That's one word for it.
Why Do Parents Allow Their Adult Children To Move Back In?
- Thread starter Knight Templar
- Start date
Living with one's family, besides being very common in my country in contrast to other cultures, seems very logical to me in many cases.
For example, while I was studying at the University, my department of choice happened to be in my hometown. I was making some money of my own and could probably get a place of my own to live, but what was the point? There was nothing to gain out of it. By staying home, I was saving money and also my parents and I shared household-stuff (taking turns in cooking, laundry etc).
After graduation, I made more money but, still, I saw no point at moving out. Only in the last few years, me and my boyfriend were considering the more general option of moving together at some point and/or starting a family of our own at some point. That was what made me thinking about moving for the first time.
I am not saying that one should stay at home until marriage. I am saying that there is nothing wrong with staying with your parents as long as everyone is happy and you act as an adult (i.e., not expecting your parents to have everything set up and ready for you at home).
In the end, I moved out of home because I got a job at another city. I now spend most of the money I make because of rent etc. I am glad I stayed at home during the previous years and was able to save some money - I won't be able to do that anymore.
For example, while I was studying at the University, my department of choice happened to be in my hometown. I was making some money of my own and could probably get a place of my own to live, but what was the point? There was nothing to gain out of it. By staying home, I was saving money and also my parents and I shared household-stuff (taking turns in cooking, laundry etc).
After graduation, I made more money but, still, I saw no point at moving out. Only in the last few years, me and my boyfriend were considering the more general option of moving together at some point and/or starting a family of our own at some point. That was what made me thinking about moving for the first time.
I am not saying that one should stay at home until marriage. I am saying that there is nothing wrong with staying with your parents as long as everyone is happy and you act as an adult (i.e., not expecting your parents to have everything set up and ready for you at home).
In the end, I moved out of home because I got a job at another city. I now spend most of the money I make because of rent etc. I am glad I stayed at home during the previous years and was able to save some money - I won't be able to do that anymore.
Wow...
For the record, there are many cultures around the planet where children living with their parents or vice versa is something that is embraced and considered of great emotional, spiritual and economic value to everyone involved. India, for example, where it's common to see parents and grandparents living with children and grandchildren under the same roof or kids continuing to live with their parents for extended periods of time even if they've wed and have wives and children of their own. I'm not of Indian/South Asian descent so I myself can't confirm this as a bulletproof fact, but we've had numerous posters either from India or who are the children of South Asian immigrants and they've spoken rather fondly of large, multigenerational families living together and getting great reward from doing so.
This.
Any parent who would "never allow" such... frankly isn't much of a parent.
Reverse the roles OP. Do you think elderly parents should never be "allowed" to move in with their grown kids?
What about siblings moving in with one another?
You can't qualify these sorts of things.
Because they're fucking parents!
This may be beyond your species' capacity to understand Human emotions but parents of children have this feeling called "love" toward their children (you would call these "offspring.")
So rather then your race and most of the rest of the animal kingdom who once the child "leaves the nest" they're on their own humans want to see the best of their child and do everything they can to help them.
If a child is in a place in their life where they cannot support themselves then being loving parents they'd rather see their child live at home rather than struggle themselves into debt out on their own.
My brother and his wife are both 30 and have a 9-year-old daughter. They've always lived with my parents in the complete finished basement (lacking only a shower.) And the love it and enjoy it there, eating dinner as a family. (As we all did when I lived there for a period.)
If my SiL broke down and got a job they probably could live on their own but they're happy where they are at and living very comfortably. (The finished basement is about as large as a two-bedroom apartment.) They pay a fairly minor "rent" to my parents only due to their burden on the utilities and the household benefits from a cheaper cable bill due to my brother's job. They're also responsible for cooking one meal a week for the family.
It's called being a family my friend. Families help one another. If your child is a place in their life where they cannot afford to live on their own and you do not welcome them back home with open, loving, arms then you should probably re-read sections of The Bible.
Last edited:
I've told my son he doesn't have to move out until / if he wants to. He's 15 at the moment and I suspect he'll live with us when he goes to University.
I lived with my folks until I got married. If I was single I'd probably still be there - why not ? What's wrong with living with people you love and who love you ?
I lived with my folks until I got married. If I was single I'd probably still be there - why not ? What's wrong with living with people you love and who love you ?
Knight Templar
Commodore
Parents who want to see the best for their child should want them to succeed and thrive on their own.
Ultimately, the goal of childhood should be preparation for independence.
QFT.
Seriously, don't judge others when you have no idea what they have been through.
Not everyone has a secure job, as well as a newly built house handed to them.
KT, you're out of your league, again. Maybe try a religious argument next time.
No...wait.
That's in American culture. Not so much a lot of others around the world, like the South Asian/Indian culture I mentioned above. Sure, it's always far preferable in America to move out, get married, establish some sort of career and become fully independent of your parents but it doesn't always happen and there are many mothers and fathers who don't mind their children continuing to live with them because of love, emotional attachment and other factors.
This doesn't necessarily mean the children don't work or earn some sort of income to help their parents with the bills and groceries nor does it mean their presence isn't very useful. Parents with severe health problems often ask for or require their children to live with them to provide caregiving services and make their lives easier and more comfortable. And as I and others have said, sometimes the cultural traditions of a family prefer two or more generations living together to form a larger, stronger family unit.
You're certainly not incorrect when you say that kids in this country are expected to become somewhat independent and move out on their own at or after a certain age, but as great and awesome as America is we're not the only nation or culture on the planet you know. And even inside our own borders there is a vast patchwork of different nationalities and subcultures, many of which don't view the nuclear family the exact same way Caucasian, mom-and-apple pie folks do.
Why do parents allow their adult children to move back in? Because of their own reasons, none of which are really any of your business. What you demand and want of your own kids is one thing, but don't assume that other families should follow your way of doing things or that they're immature fools and idiots for not doing so.
This doesn't necessarily mean the children don't work or earn some sort of income to help their parents with the bills and groceries nor does it mean their presence isn't very useful. Parents with severe health problems often ask for or require their children to live with them to provide caregiving services and make their lives easier and more comfortable. And as I and others have said, sometimes the cultural traditions of a family prefer two or more generations living together to form a larger, stronger family unit.
You're certainly not incorrect when you say that kids in this country are expected to become somewhat independent and move out on their own at or after a certain age, but as great and awesome as America is we're not the only nation or culture on the planet you know. And even inside our own borders there is a vast patchwork of different nationalities and subcultures, many of which don't view the nuclear family the exact same way Caucasian, mom-and-apple pie folks do.
Why do parents allow their adult children to move back in? Because of their own reasons, none of which are really any of your business. What you demand and want of your own kids is one thing, but don't assume that other families should follow your way of doing things or that they're immature fools and idiots for not doing so.
Yes, the ultimate goal should be preparation for independence. Something you clearly never accomplished, considering that job your parents gave you and the house they built for you. Ahhh, the hypocrisy.
Indeed.
Sheesh.
Yes, empathy is always a good thing. How could it not be good to understand and (vicariously) experience the feelings of another?
Completely agree. Where it falls apart is that you're apparently trying to put an arbitrary deadline on it, and judge anyone that doesn't achieve independence by then as a failure. (that you've in no way achieved this independence from your family is a side-issue)
In your mind, where IS that line? Kick them out at 18? Can live with you during the summer in college, but can't move home after college ends? arbitrary age (25?)?
In MOST cases, people DO want to get their own place, have their independence (both in living situation and financial), but with the high cost of housing and the low (comparable) pay starting out, and add in the terrible job market and average 25k in student loans for a college grad, it's not an easy time to achieve your goal in short order.
To try that Empathy thing: Imagine you just finished college. You've got $25k in loan debt, and your degree field is not hiring many people (mostly swamped with people having 5-10 years experience and were laid off, so you can't really compete with them, as they're willing to work for entry-level pay and bring experience you don't have). Your parents don't have a job lined up for you, and you aren't given a house or apartment to live in. What's YOUR plan?
yeah, you move home and try to find a job. Or maybe even if you do find a job, the pay is really low, so you crash at home for a couple years while you pay down the loans and increase your salary enough to stand on your own.
That's the situation people are finding themselves in, more and more. Calling them a failure because they weren't gift-wrapped a house and career falls a bit flat.
Now, we can debate whether they should have taken the high student loans to obtain a (sometimes) middling degree that will never pay it back, or if they should have had less fun in college and picked a harder degree field instead of deciding to 'find themselves', have easier classes, and get a degree in basket-weaving or dead languages (or the ever-popular default Business degree), but that's another thread. For this thread, that decision has come and gone, so the thing is: Now what?
I lived with both parents until I was 15, then my father until I graduated high school, then my grandfather for my first year of college, then my mother. I moved out at 20 into my own apartment, because I couldn't stand her trying to run my life. The one time after that when I asked for help--just a little money, due to a complicated and desperate situation--she basically told me to get fucked. I never asked her for anything again.
When I lost my job in 2008, she had nothing to offer except a litany of things she thought I'd done wrong with my life, and then plenty of unhelpful advice about what I "should" have been doing. I got through that without her.
To this day, we have a crappy relationship because she can't seem to figure out where appropriate boundaries are.
You guys must have much better parents than me. I wouldn't move back in with my mother unless I was facing imminent death or something. Even then, it's probably a coin toss.
When I lost my job in 2008, she had nothing to offer except a litany of things she thought I'd done wrong with my life, and then plenty of unhelpful advice about what I "should" have been doing. I got through that without her.
To this day, we have a crappy relationship because she can't seem to figure out where appropriate boundaries are.
You guys must have much better parents than me. I wouldn't move back in with my mother unless I was facing imminent death or something. Even then, it's probably a coin toss.
If I were your parents, I wouldn't want you around either.
warriorsfan is now being considered for inclusion in my will. Hope he likes lots of goofy chotchkies and DVDs he probably already owns copies of. 
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
I've read and re-read this thread and I still don't know what the fuck the OP's problem is with the concept of kids moving back home during economic difficulty.
And I'm not even talking about glaring, obvious hypocrisy of the OP's statement given the revelatory facts about him (as so eloquently covered by Locutus).
Maybe I'm the odd duck here, but I grew up in a big family that loved each other. We stayed together in the same house for a long time, longer than most before we (the kids) started moving out on our own. And though we have our differences and go through periods of turmoil (2006-2008 was a really shitty time for us), we always knew we could count on each other and that at the end of the day, home was home. On occasion when I find myself between jobs or starting to crack under the pressure of my bills and my debt, my mom will always tell me "If you want to come home, you can."
Which is not to say that it would be my first choice if I were in that particular scenario, as my mother and I rarely get along very well. But it's nice to know that if worse came to worst, I still had the option of having a place to stay till I got back on my feet.
It is beyond incomprehensible to me that a family that loves each other, parents that love their kids, would not open their doors to them in the face of such financial strife, and to those whose parents would, like OP, turn their backs on you, I offer my sincerest sympathies.
To the OP - you should be ashamed of yourself.
And I'm not even talking about glaring, obvious hypocrisy of the OP's statement given the revelatory facts about him (as so eloquently covered by Locutus).
Maybe I'm the odd duck here, but I grew up in a big family that loved each other. We stayed together in the same house for a long time, longer than most before we (the kids) started moving out on our own. And though we have our differences and go through periods of turmoil (2006-2008 was a really shitty time for us), we always knew we could count on each other and that at the end of the day, home was home. On occasion when I find myself between jobs or starting to crack under the pressure of my bills and my debt, my mom will always tell me "If you want to come home, you can."
Which is not to say that it would be my first choice if I were in that particular scenario, as my mother and I rarely get along very well. But it's nice to know that if worse came to worst, I still had the option of having a place to stay till I got back on my feet.
It is beyond incomprehensible to me that a family that loves each other, parents that love their kids, would not open their doors to them in the face of such financial strife, and to those whose parents would, like OP, turn their backs on you, I offer my sincerest sympathies.
To the OP - you should be ashamed of yourself.
Last edited:
You could move in with my parents. Or with me and Dan.
Living with family is always mixed. In some ways I enjoy being away with my own life, but I think a lot of it just depends on where you are in life. If we had kids I'm sure I'd want my parents a lot closer.
My uncle came to live with us after moving to the US from India when I was in elementary school. I loved it. When he got married and his wife and son moved here as well (and then later another son was born), they lived in my parents' house for awhile. I have such fond memories of that time. The house was always full of warmth and there was always something going on, someone to hang out with. I think that big families and multi-generational households have some major positives. With so many people around and everything so lively, I didn't really have the opportunity to sit and brood about problems or feel isolated.
My mother used to live in a house with a lot of her relatives every summer and she still has awesome stories from that. It's the kind of thing that really makes an impact on you.
I'm so glad that my aunt and uncle and cousins lived with my parents for that time. They were able to save up money (they now live in a beautiful house) but we've all kept close ties. It's really a great feeling.
I love seeing that so many people here have had positive experiences with their own families.
Personally, I wish "western" culture would regress to that old encompassing, multi-generational family unit.
You could move in with my parents. Or with me and Dan.
Living with family is always mixed. In some ways I enjoy being away with my own life, but I think a lot of it just depends on where you are in life. If we had kids I'm sure I'd want my parents a lot closer.
My uncle came to live with us after moving to the US from India when I was in elementary school. I loved it. When he got married and his wife and son moved here as well (and then later another son was born), they lived in my parents' house for awhile. I have such fond memories of that time. The house was always full of warmth and there was always something going on, someone to hang out with. I think that big families and multi-generational households have some major positives. With so many people around and everything so lively, I didn't really have the opportunity to sit and brood about problems or feel isolated.
My mother used to live in a house with a lot of her relatives every summer and she still has awesome stories from that. It's the kind of thing that really makes an impact on you.
I'm so glad that my aunt and uncle and cousins lived with my parents for that time. They were able to save up money (they now live in a beautiful house) but we've all kept close ties. It's really a great feeling.
I love seeing that so many people here have had positive experiences with their own families.
I think the forced family disassociation our culture created is really detrimental and the root of a lot of modern society's shortcomings. It forces people into an isolation that seeps into other facets of their lives. It also promotes disunion in their own families, which, over the coarse of several generations, can potentially become a slippery slope.
Sure there are some negatives, but they are (ultimately) arbitrary and can't really be weighed against the positive.
Similar threads
