Is my middle-aged friend wrong to propose to a teenager?
- Thread starter Jefferies
- Start date
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
I wonder if anyone felt this way when Richard started dating Monica?
They are both over 18, so it's all up to them.
There are many good points that have been made throughout this thread. However, I do take exception with the claim that 18 year olds aren't adult or mature enough to make this kind of major decision and commitment. This line of thinking is far too general. Does it apply to most? Yes. All? Not by a long shot. It depends on the individual. I have known more than a few who, at 18, were more responsible and mature than many 25 year olds.
Jeffries, you mentioned that by continuing to be there for your friend, that your other friends see it as you condoning their situation. I too would follow the advice from upthread and stay out of it (as far as taking a stand one way or the other). Although I would make it clear to those who already think that you condone what they are doing, that you are choosing to stay out of it, and regardless of your personal feelings in the matter, you refuse to abandon any friend.
Jeffries, you mentioned that by continuing to be there for your friend, that your other friends see it as you condoning their situation. I too would follow the advice from upthread and stay out of it (as far as taking a stand one way or the other). Although I would make it clear to those who already think that you condone what they are doing, that you are choosing to stay out of it, and regardless of your personal feelings in the matter, you refuse to abandon any friend.
FWIW, John and Bo Derek were 46 and 16, respectively, when their relationship began. They married when Bo turned 18 and remained married until John's death. And Woody Allen and Soon-Yi are still married, I believe.
Okay, so maybe celebrity couples aren't typical. But, like the saying goes, they put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us.
Okay, so maybe celebrity couples aren't typical. But, like the saying goes, they put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us.
And who are Richard and Monica?
I don't think the 18 year old thing is unfair. It's not that people are stupid at 18, it's that you are a vastly different person at 18 than you will be at 35. This doesn't mean that you don't know anything, or don't know what love or commitment means. But you're adding something else difficult into the mix when you have one person who will be going through a lot of changes while the other person doesn't change nearly as much.
You can stay together, sure. But even that isn't necessarily proof of whether a relationship is good or was a wise choice.
We got together at 18 and the best convincing came from just ... staying together. So if they do, they do, and if they don't, they don't.
You can stay together, sure. But even that isn't necessarily proof of whether a relationship is good or was a wise choice.
We got together at 18 and the best convincing came from just ... staying together. So if they do, they do, and if they don't, they don't.
This. Though I think 18 is too young for most girls to get married there are always exceptions to the rule.
We can also add James and Wende Doohan to the list. I believe she was 18, and he 54 when they married and the marriage lasted until his death,
Just because a few people stayed married doesn't make it a good idea. I remember watching an interview with Bo and John where he was asked if he would stay with her if she was disfigured in some sort of accident and he said no. You should have seen the look on her face.
The part that freaks me out is he's a teacher and no one knows how young she was when it started. Not to mention, what is the rush. It's not the age spread that is the problem, it's her age now.
The part that freaks me out is he's a teacher and no one knows how young she was when it started. Not to mention, what is the rush. It's not the age spread that is the problem, it's her age now.
If it is such a poor idea than maybe the minimum age of marriage should be put up to 21.
I doubt many 18 year olds are getting married to men over the age of 30 in western countries these days. It was more common in the past.
I doubt many 18 year olds are getting married to men over the age of 30 in western countries these days. It was more common in the past.
The problem is that all or at least most of those things will change for her. Right now they may be very compatible, but in the next 5 years or so, her interests, values, life goals, way of thinking, and personality will become very different. It's a difficult time to build a lasting relationship with someone your own age, because of these changes, but at least you can grow and change together. With this age gap, he will pretty much stay the same while she develops into a new person, and this is likely to cause much tension for both of them as things that they once agreed on suddenly become issues to argue over.
I'm not saying it can't work out, but it sounds like it wouldn't be easy and will probably end with somebody's heart being broken. Whether that's next month or five years from now remains to be seen.
Because it will work itself out in the end (for better or worse), there's really not much you can or should do. There's not really much anyone can do. It sounds like you are unsure about it at the moment; if other friends/family ask for your opinion, tell them exactly that - you aren't sure how you feel about it, but think it's best to stay out of it since there's not much you can do anyway. But do let them know that you won't stop hanging out with either of them because of this; tell them that to you, this is not a friendship-ending event.
The only advice I would suggest giving to the couple themselves is to wait on the proposal. There really isn't any rush and it will only exacerbate the situation, especially with him being a teacher. I mean, this is the kind of relationship that ends up in news columns.
Even if he is completely innocent, he WILL be judged as being attracted to minors and his job will be in jeopardy.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
And who are Richard and Monica?
A popular one though, and a storyline that likely sparked some discussion about the topic at the time, hence my earlier query.
A
Amaris
Guest
If they love each other, then I am happy for them and see no issues with it. Even if they don't love one another, it's really none of my business. Still, I would hope they do, and that if they do, they have a long, happy life together. That is my stance on the issue.
What, so I've old got three years until I'm considered old??
But to address the question, No. I agree with you. They're both adults, although 18 MIGHT be considered young, unless the girls is really mature, and should be left alone.
As a friend of the guy I suggest you tell him to back off on the proposal part. There is no reason for an 18 year old to get engaged and it just makes the whole thing look worse for him. Is he trying to provoke the parents? Is he trying to cement the relationship via engagement? If the latter than he needs to ask himself why it's not strong enough to just move along at a regular pace without the big heavy deal of being engaged. THAT is the part that sounds manipulative to me. An 18 year old girl might be very much carried away by the romance, as the older person in the relationship he needs to take into account her age and lack of life experience and be willing to wait several years at least. If it's two 18 year olds getting engaged it's a bit silly.. but if it's a mid 30's person proposing to an 18 year old a whole lot of other things come into it. The guy needs to be the mature one making mature decisions, not the impulsive one.
So far, thanks everyone for your genuine and measured advice. It's all been really helpful and has made me consider things I hadn't before.
What's interesting about this is that the whole proposal thing was brough up by her. From her perspective I think she feels that no one is taking this relationship seriously, everyone is expecting it to fall apart at any moment, especially her parents who feel this is no more than an affair. So the proposal is a bit of a stunt, but they insist that the feelings behind it are completely genuine. They are rather conservative so in their mind the man has to propose. In the end though it was her initial idea and it took some convincing before my friend felt it was the right thing to do. To be honest I think he still has some doubts, not because of how he feels but because of how sensitive everyone is about the situation. It's one of the reasons why he wants my advice. People might feel this is nobody's business and they should figure it out by themselves but they are under a lot of pressure and I think they are looking for a way to calm the waters. An engagement certainly would force the parents to acknowledge the relationship on a different level then they have been prepared to do until now. Would it annoy them further? I'm not sure, they couldn't accuse them anymore of not being serious about their relationship.
In the end I believe what others here have said is true. Time will decide the outcome of this. Time will demonstrate commitment, it will mellow people's attitudes and it will put them both to the test if they really are suited to each other. So they will probably have to stick it out and deal with the criticism and resentment from everyone as long as it lasts. And my prediction is it will last for a very long time so maybe they just have to get used to it.
What's interesting about this is that the whole proposal thing was brough up by her. From her perspective I think she feels that no one is taking this relationship seriously, everyone is expecting it to fall apart at any moment, especially her parents who feel this is no more than an affair. So the proposal is a bit of a stunt, but they insist that the feelings behind it are completely genuine. They are rather conservative so in their mind the man has to propose. In the end though it was her initial idea and it took some convincing before my friend felt it was the right thing to do. To be honest I think he still has some doubts, not because of how he feels but because of how sensitive everyone is about the situation. It's one of the reasons why he wants my advice. People might feel this is nobody's business and they should figure it out by themselves but they are under a lot of pressure and I think they are looking for a way to calm the waters. An engagement certainly would force the parents to acknowledge the relationship on a different level then they have been prepared to do until now. Would it annoy them further? I'm not sure, they couldn't accuse them anymore of not being serious about their relationship.
In the end I believe what others here have said is true. Time will decide the outcome of this. Time will demonstrate commitment, it will mellow people's attitudes and it will put them both to the test if they really are suited to each other. So they will probably have to stick it out and deal with the criticism and resentment from everyone as long as it lasts. And my prediction is it will last for a very long time so maybe they just have to get used to it.
By and large, 18 year olds DON'T know what they want. Even the extra mature ones.
However, in this specific case, there is the complicating factor that he knew her well before 18, which leads to the possibility of an overly large influence at a much younger age. That definitely adds to the creep factor. Now, that may not have been the case but the possibility is there.
Mr Awe
