How do I spurn a girl's advances?

[Ethros]

Yes it's another "girl problem" thread on the TrekBBS. So there's a girl at my work (not on my department but I see her round now and again) who has come to "like me" recently I guess. I knew she was interested recently as a friend of hers told me about it, and then she was messaging me on Facebook, talking to me more, etc

The thing is I'm really not interested in her that way. Maybe it makes me sound like a jerk but if a girls not my type and I'm not attracted to her what else can I do?
She's not "bad" looking, but I don't think of her as attractive, I mean I go for "tidy" girls, she isn't really, a bit rough round the edges, tattoos, and not the smartest person in the world if you know what I mean. Plus she has a baby, and not that's a bad thing but I'm just so not ready for that and this point in my life.
No doubt those reasons make me sound an ass but I'm just being honest.


Anyway I check my Facebook this morning and there's a message from her asking me if I'd like to go for a drink and get to know each other more. Ha, even worse its all written in text speak "mayb go 4 a drink sum time?" *shudder*



So basically I just don't know what to say. I can't say I have the Lothario expertise in these sort of matters really. I mean I don't just wanna say "no," do I? But I don't want to have to give some ridiculous excuse or something. Plus if I still have to see her around work.

Hmm, suggestions?

 

[SmoothieX]

Enjoy the casual sex for what it's worth.

 

[JRS]

Enjoy the casual sex for what it's worth.

Oh..I am sure he would.
Anyways, Ethros..you could always tell her the truth, and politely tell her that you are not interested of her.
Or you can just tell her that you allready have a girlfriend.
Just do not hurt her feelings more than its necessary.

 

[Winterwind]

Ethros, not being attracted to someone doesn't make you a jerk or an ass. In fact, to me, and in this regard at least, the fact that you have concerns about letting her down easy, makes you anything but.

Chemistry and attraction have to be mutual. If it's not there, it's not there. You're clearly smart enough to find some way of letting the lady down easily. I wouldn't suggest giving any details as to why you're not interested. I'd keep it generalised, along the lines of either you're not interested in dating anyone at this point or that you don't believe in getting involved with co-workers.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

The thing is I'm really not interested in her that way. Maybe it makes me sound like a jerk...

No doubt those reasons make me sound an ass....

I'm rather confused by these parts. Why do you feel bad for not being sexually interested in someone? Are you saying people have an obligation to return other people's interest? In what possible way are you in the wrong for not sharing an attraction?

If you're not interested, say so. "I'm afraid I'm not interested in a relationship like that". No offence, my friend, but I don't see the problem here. How do you spurn advances? You say "no". It's no more complicated than that.

 

[trekkiebaggio]

You should try to be honest with her because the worst thing you can do is lead her on.

 

[sonak]

let her know how you feel but be nice to her while doing it. I don't think she'll be hurt if you're not a dick while letting her down.

 

[Mr Awe]

No, you're not being an ass at all. You're doing a favor for both of you. I would contact her friend who talked to you and just tell her that you think she's nice but you're not interested in her that way. That seems the simplest. Or, just be upfront with the girl and tell her the same. You can be nice about and just say that you don't want a relationship at this point. In other words, you can make is less about rejecting her. I guess talking to her directly would be best but at the very least, tell the friend.

Mr Awe

 

[TheSeeker]

As others have said, You're not a jerk just because you have no interest in her. I would just be honest with her. Thank her for the invitation, politely decline, and move on.

 

[SmoothieX]

I don't think you're a jerk either as you are being thoughtful about things.

If you politely decline 2 or 3 times, she'll get the hint. Unless she's crazy and you wind up in a bathtub full of ice without your kidneys, but that hasn't happened to me too often.

 

[auntiehill]

...
So basically I just don't know what to say. I can't say I have the Lothario expertise in these sort of matters really. I mean I don't just wanna say "no," do I? But I don't want to have to give some ridiculous excuse or something. Plus if I still have to see her around work.

Hmm, suggestions?

Take from a woman who has had her share of rejection: a simple, "No, thank you" goes a long way. It's polite but definite. If the invitation is for a specific event, "No, thank you; I have plans" with no further details whatsoever. Don't make excuses, don't explain anything and for God's sake don't make up a story. People can tell when they're being BS'ed. Just smile, say, "No thank you," and change the subject. That way, you can still work together and be friendly.

 

[sojourner]

Ask her what color burka she'd like to wear in public should you start dating her.

 

[the 4th hanson bro]

I don't think you're a jerk either as you are being thoughtful about things.

If you politely decline 2 or 3 times, she'll get the hint. Unless she's crazy and you wind up in a bathtub full of ice without your kidneys, but that hasn't happened to me too often.

You really only get two chances at that, don't you?

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Yes it's another "girl problem" thread on the TrekBBS.

And yet, it's the opposite of every girl problem thread ever posted here.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Usually, guys ask for advice on how to "spur" girls to make advances. Add a letter to that word and it means exactly the opposite. Well, sort of, in terms of the context anyway.

As for me, honesty is the best policy. You don't have to be a jerk, per se. Just say you're not interested right now. Or you could tell a white lie and say you're already in a relationship.

 

[Ethros]

^


Mm, I think the jerk thing just came because I don't wanna come off as being shallow for the reasons I listed for not liking her.

She only works a few days a week, and I don't think she does weekends, so if I'll probably have to reply to this FB message soonish. Just I've also been on the "other side" and been given BS excuses, or even better just been ignored and it being awkward; I don't really want that to happen.
Although that's probably what causes this, as I saw at work yesterday and knew she liked me, but I didn't want to start being immature and have to avoid her all the time, so I just treated her like normal. Maybe that's what got her hopes up for this message. Ah well.

Guess I'll think of what to put...

 

[doubleohfive]

You are not a jerk for not being interested in this woman.

My advice: Be honest with her. Tell her you appreciate how nice she is to you and that you are starting to become aware that perhaps she has more than a platonic interest in you, and while that is genuinely flattering, you are not interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship. Or that you don't date co-workers. Either would be an acceptable explanation. You don't have to go in to extreme detail about why, or whatever reasons are motivating your disinterest. That's not important, and frankly would only lead to bad feelings. Be diplomatic about it.

Most importantly: Just treat her the way you would want to be treated in this situation if you were the one pursuing her. It may hurt her in the short term, but you'll be saving yourself and her a lot of time and bad mojo but nipping this in the bud early.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I think it's very nice that you're concerned for the other person's feelings as well as your own, but really there's nothing to be worried about. Just say "sorry, I'm not interested". You don't have to justify the answer to anyone, so don't worry about seeming "shallow". After that, it's entirely their problem if they can't accept it - unless you were somehow rubbing it in, which of course you wouldn't be. I understand that you're nervous about seeming too blunt or dismissive, but no-one is obligated to return another's affections. Obviously, be polite and friendly as well as firm, but that goes without saying, and you were going to be anyway. So don't worry about this .

If you were thinking of screaming "BEGONE, FOUL HAG. You dare presume yourself worthy of the great and terrible Ethros?!" then it might be a problem. But something tells me that's not what you had in mind for a response

 

[marillion]

^^ This... Don't go through the craziness of telling her you have a girlfriend (unless you do) or that you have plans... Telling her you have plans only leaves the invitaiton open for her to ask you again.

Honesty here, is the best policy, as long as it's delivered with respect and politness.

On the other hand here... And just playing devil's advocate... Ok, on the surface you're not attracted to her, but how well do you really know her? It might be worth going for a drink on a casual basis and getting to know her a bit better.. Once you learn more, you might find you ARE actually a little attracted to her and that would leave the door open for more.

 

[Warp Coil]

I agree with others that honesty is the best policy. You shouldn't feel bad or feel like a jerk because you aren't interested in dating her. If she makes advances or asks you out, politely turn her down. Be respectful and courteous and take her feelings into consideration, but you shouldn't try to force something that isn't there.