We're not saying it's easy to change, but the way you post it sounds like you have no intention of even trying. You're way too young to be giving up.
What's the point...
- Thread starter Trekker4747
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No. It isn't. I fully realize that it isn't. But until you sack up and realize that it is possible, you'll be stuck in this same rut and pissing and moaning to the same people about the same problems.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. I also suffer from clinical depression. But I have a loving wife, a decent job, and wonderful family and friends, and I actually enjoy my life.
Do you know how I did that last part? I got off my ass and did something about it. I quit drinking, I went to therapy to address my mental problems, I got myself a sponsor, and I threw myself into life.
More than a decade ago, I was a high school kid, in good shape, and as a sophomore pitcher I was put on the varsity baseball team. I was considered "attractive," by the standards of 1997 - 2001 high school. But I couldn't find a girlfriend at all. And all I would do was piss and moan about how no one ever thought me to be desirable, and I'd sit around feeling sorry for myself -- "take me out to the pasture and shoot me." This continued through my freshman year of college, during which I ruined many prospective relationships in the same way.
Then I woke the fuck up. I lost weight, I got involved in organizations, and I stopped valuing myself by how others saw me. I started actually living. Your question is "Why didn't she say anything to me," when the question should be, "Why didn't I say anything?" And the answer to the latter question is to fucking ask it. You won't get accepted or rejected for a job if you don't apply for it. You won't actually improve your life if you don't try to do it.
Change is scary. It sucks. I hate it. But if you want your life to change, sack up and make it happen yourself.
You have to be realistic though. What do you expect when you post things like this online? I mean seriously, what are your expectations? That people say "Keep going!" or "Yeah, things never can never change!"? You still get sympathy here but people don't have endless reserves and you should be treating people better than that.
But here's the question I never get a good answer for.
Why do I have to make the first move or show the first, clear, sign?
ed629
Rear Admiral
If you're not going to do it for yourself, no one else will.
I used to be shy, and worried about making the first move. But it wasn't working for me. Now, if I'm interested in a girl I'll just go up to her and introduce myself and start talking. And it works, haven't been pepper sprayed, kicked in the nuts, or even told to fuck off. Most of the time they'll talk back or at least chat for a minute.
Just seems odd to me. I have to make the first move or else I'm a chicken not taking a step forward but they don't have to make the first move and are just part of the process?
ed629
Rear Admiral
Seriously, quite being a pussy and a whiner, and just make the first fucking move already. After a few times it gets easier and easier, and when they reciprocate your confidence will increase. Fuck dude, are you always this much of a whiner offline around people as well?
Maybe because, as I said above, I don't pick up on the minor, subtle, signals it seems women use.
Oh, she flipper her hair over her shoulder and extended her neck? That MUST mean she wants me!
It's 2012, girls. Why not start making some moves yourselves?
After my break-up I did "get back out there" and tried asking people out I knew, went to a couple of parties with friends and tried it. The results... Not so good. Rejected pretty much at every turn so not a whole lot of confidence-building there.
If you're interested in someone, yes, you have to make the first move.
If someone is interested in you, they should make the first move.
The reason people don't make the first move is because they're afraid of rejection. It goes both ways. For all you know, there are girls who are interested in you, but, just like you, they're afraid to make the move.
You can't wait for life to happen to you. If you want things to change, you have to make an effort to do it. You can't rely on other people doing it for you.
Don't go in blind willy-nilly. Think about all the reasons a woman would want to go out with you. Focus on that. Show your strengths, you're attractive, endearing qualities, and see if there's any sign they're even remotely interested in you, then ask them out.
But, if you can't convince yourself you're someone they might want to go out with, you're not going to convince them. You're not going to attract them.
But, if you can't convince yourself you're someone they might want to go out with, you're not going to convince them. You're not going to attract them.
You just spent several posts complaining that you found out after the fact that girls had a crush on you in high school. They didn't make the first move, you never found out, nothing happened. Now you're trying to argue that you shouldn't have to do anything, and others should come to you? Which is it?
If you want something, at least sack up and put in half an effort to GET it, or at least express interest in it. Otherwise, please stop complaining that you never get things that you don't make any effort TO get. Sure, magical beings that grant our wishes would be nice, but even then you've to tell the fucking genie what you wish for. You can't even be bothered to rub the lamp, and are bitching about your wishes going unanswered.
Your happiness is kinda your problem, not someone else's to fix. If they attempt to show interest, and you're too busy bitching about how your life sucks, or generally looking miserable, suspect they keep it to themselves and get over it. When all you do (through body language and even talking) is tell people you're worthless and you suck, they're going to just trust you on that one.
Hypothetically, if there's a group of girls at the bar, and one of them didn't bother to dress up like everyone else, was moping, eyes down towards her drink, and generally looking pissy, that's not the one you're going to talk to, right? (unless you're up for a challenge, I suppose) Nope, you're probably going with the decent looking girl that put on a cute dress and is winking at you.
Acting like a sad sack is kinda a self-fulfilling prophecy. Seems like, in short, you're just waiting for someone else to put in all the effort to fix your life. Good luck with that.
ed629
Rear Admiral
Then that is a problem in itself... if you come across as being sorry for yourself, and acting like you're going to get rejected then you most likely will. They're going to see you as a pathetic insecure loser. And yes, I'm being harsh and a dick, but nothing else seems to work to get a point across to you. Don't let other turn downs make you feel like you will. Don't just start talking about a relationship right away, talk to them and get know what like, interests, etc. If you have a similar interest say so and talk about it. If you haven't tried what they're interested ask them about it. Hell she may suggest you go and try it out with her.
Also, have you given any consideration to what I said about going back or if you haven't been, starting school. Take a few classes to start with, you may enjoy it and it's a great way to meet people, and girls. I've met several girls by being in school, and have had a few dates as well because of it. Granted, most of them have been because I'll tutor or help them out with their classes and gone from there.
Yeah, gotta get your own house in order first. If you don't see value in yourself, no one else is going to. Not a lot of people looking to sign up for a trainwreck; although I suppose you COULD find a martyr somewhere if you look hard enough. Either way, it won't last long, because it won't fix things the way you think they will. then we'll be recycling the ex-gf threads instead of the pity party threads.
Stop defining yourself by your relationship, or lack thereof. If you make your life halfway interesting to YOURSELF, might find someone else interested as well.
Stop defining yourself by your relationship, or lack thereof. If you make your life halfway interesting to YOURSELF, might find someone else interested as well.
ed629
Rear Admiral
Bingo! I've had one fuck of a fun and interesting life, and that carries across in the way I act and the way I'm around others. Hell, my not getting citations post is pretty pale in comparison to shit I've done. And the only one that gave me that life is me, me getting out, trying new things, doing things people have said I couldn't. Shit, half the reason I became a cop was because and ex of mine told me I couldn't do it. So yes, you are the only one that can make that change.
ed629
Rear Admiral
The last girl I was with (2 years, and restraining order aside), I met her in class. The first day of class I saw her and thought she was gorgeous. I was seeing another girl at the time, but we broke up about 2 weeks after classes started. So I decided what the hell, she can only say no. So the next time I had class with her I asked her out on a date, she was really nice about and said maybe, she wasn't sure because she might have plans that night. 2 days later she said she'd love to. And I wasn't all ummm... well.. acting like I was going to get rejected. I told her that I was going to party and that it should be fun, and asked her if she would like to go. And when I asked her I was confident and made it sound like it would be fun to go.
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