TNG Caption This #224: We have a lot to caption about, Mr. Barclay

[LeadHead]

Good evening and a happy Friday to all of you! Sorry I'm a little later in the evening than normal. Another crazy week for yours truly.

First up to the plate, we have the "A British Tar" Award goes to:

Data: It's standard ship's protocol to not encourage the captain to sing

Second in tonight's lineup we have the "Repeat Business" Award, going to:

Worf: It's red, flaky, and about this big.
Pulaski: How many times have I told you not to wear your sash without a shirt? Go in exam room one and sit down while I get the ointment.

Hoping to get an RBI, we have the "Man On The Street Interview" Award goes to:

Pulaski: Do you have anything to say to the listeners at home?

Batting cleanup, we had several entries go in this direction, but this one stood out to me, it's the "Massive Head Trauma" award, going to:

PICARD: I thought you meant Riker lost his head and caused the accident, not vice versa.

[Insert Baseball Metaphor Here] we have the "Yeah, Literally" Award goes to:

At the Klingon talent contest, the Enterprise crew killed.

Our Photoshop Award goes to:

Data: Your opinion, doctor?
Pulaski: He's dead.
Miles: *awkward glance* Shouldn't you give him a run-over with a medical tricorder, at least?
Pulaski: Look, he's missing half his chest. The man is dead, OK? Enterprise, beam me back.
Wesley, with a deep sigh: I miss Mom.
LaForge: We all do, kid...

Many thanks to all of our contestants and congratulations to all of our winners! Our character centric contests will come to a conclusion within the next couple of weeks and we'll be doing something special for that. I'll announce what that will be next weeks contest. And now, one of Starfleets great Trouble Stories/Success Stories, Reginald Barclay!

Off we go!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Hey, down in front!

Barclay: (thinking) Stop thinking about The Goddess of Empathy. Stop thinking about The Goddess of Empathy. Stop thinking about The Goddess of Empathy.

Worf: Impressive, Lieutenant. No one has ever gotten kicked off of Risa before.

Ogawa: Prognosis, Doctor?

Crusher: They're all insane!

The new 3-D TV's work great! As long as you're on a holodeck.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Barclay: "Geordi! Help...help me!"
LaForge: "Christ, Reg, didn't we warn you! On your first visit to Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, stay away from the Rawhide Club!"

Barclay: "Computer, new modifications to program 'Man Cave 1': The chair is bitchin'! But that screen has got to be much larger!"

 

[Mojochi]

Thanks for the win! I'm a sucker for Picard singing

Give Reg a couple doses of whatever Will is on. I'm sick of him staring at me

Dammit computer, the chair has to swivel! My neck is killing me

Barclay: Cross your legs.... Ah ah ahh Captain, Counselor & Doctor. I didn't say Simon says

Reg: I mean, I was just sort of wondering if you had some reason why you like showing more of the right one than the left one

Barclay: I saw something in the matter stream! People's heads were coming out of Geordi's ass, I tell you!

(I mean seriously, WTF is that?)

 

[Finn]

Troi: First, the NX-01 holoprogram. Then yesterday, there was the Voyager holoprogram. This needs to stop. What made you create all those characters. Geordi was really disturbed by this Neelec character.

Barclay: Neelix

Troi: Whatever. But creating a character like that signals a deeper problem. Do you think this has to do with the rat you found living in your father's bar as a boy?

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Troi: Reg, it happens to many men at least once.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Will: A little to the left. Oh, yeah!

Alyssa: Doctor, the extra credits will come in handy when we enter the Ferengi sector, but are you sure turning Sickbay into a massage parlor was a good idea? (whispers) No one wants to work on Mister Barclay.

Reginald: Doctor, I really think it's my turn!

Beverly: Computer, activate the EMH.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Troi: "Reg, when you created the Goddess of Empathy in the holodeck, you were trying to create the perfect fantasy woman, so naturally you made her in the image of the most beautiful woman you know in reality, the one you find irresistibly attractive."
Barclay (thinking): "My God, she's full of herself!"

 

[LeadHead]

Reg: I mean, I was just sort of wondering if you had some reason why you like showing more of the right one than the left one

Troi: Wasn't my idea, needed some space to put the commbadge.

 

[Noname Given]

Lt. Barclay: "Yes! The Holodeck is for porn..."

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Barclay: "Ah crap. My yellow uniform's blending in with the chromakey background. The holodeck sucks for fanfilms. I should have asked to borrow the bridge."

 

[inflatabledalek]

Reg: If it's any consolation, I only used the Holodeck to act out my sexual fantasises with seven of you. Mind, that's only because I'm banging Wesley in real life...

Reg: I'm sorry, you dress like that and expect people not to have naughty thoughts about you? The only psychiatrists who do sessions with their twin moons hanging out are psychiatrists in porn films. They'll be someone along to deliver a pizza in a moment I'll bet.

Riker: Hi Imzadi, I brought a pizza...

Reg: But there was a... thing... on...the...wing!
Shatner: Not you as well?!

Reg: FFS Doctor, these chairs are really uncomfortable, no wonder Riker's back went.
Crusher: Did you just use net speak in a real conversation? You've never known the touch of a non hologram woman have you?
Reg: Don't make me get the Picard facepalm picture out of my wallet.

Reg: Damn it, the TNG Blu Rays are just upscaled! Bloody cheap Paramount. I brought a HD TV for this?

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Troi: Reg, it happens to many men at least once.

Reg: "When they are by themselves?!"

 

[Isis]

Barclay was quite pleased when the others gave his presentation their rapt attention.

Worf: "Hey Barclay, you need to zip your fly."

 

[LeadHead]

Worf: Sir, sensors detect an annoying Junior Officer on the Bridge.

Picard: Wesley?

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Barclay: "Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Picard".

 

[Holdfast]

Thanks for the pick, LeadHead!

PICARD: Well, I think we can all see why you're so insecure, Mr Barclay. Now please, put it away.

TROI: Have you tried Enzyte?

BARCLAY: The side-effects were... astonishing...

CRUSHER: Valium. Lots of Valium
OGAWA: Yes doctor, I'll give it to him immediately.
CRUSHER: Not him. Me.

Lt. Barclay in his special porn-viewing chair, at the start of a session.

 

[Finn]

Barclay was quite pleased when the others gave his presentation their rapt attention.

Worf: "Hey Barclay, you need to zip your fly."

Barclay: So I'm not gonna get the Chief engineer job on DS9, right?

Geordi: Afraid so

Wesley: Sorry, man

 

[Nerys Myk]

BARCLAY: And then the man in the mohawk and chains called me a fool...

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Troi: What's bothering you, Reg?

Barclay: I'm....st- st- still a virgin.

Troi: There's nothing wrong with that! Even in this age of free love, a few people choose to remain celibate.