Voyager Caption Contest #53: This Contest Has a Title

[Mr. Laser Beam]

ALIEN: Hello. I'm the Caretaker. Has this ever happened to you? You're minding your own business one fine day, in your own space station, and these aliens show up looking for something called "coffee"? Well here on the Ocampa Shopping Network, we've got the answer. With the SpecialSpew 5000, no insane Starfleet captains need trouble you again. Now for the bargain price of only 4000 quatloos while supplies last. Order now and we'll throw in a free carrying case!

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Janeway: Whoa. That's totally awesome! What does your tricorder make of that?

Tuvok: Actually, there's nothing there, Captain. Your bloodstream, however, is another matter. In it I'm reading approximately 500 micrograms of a semisynthetic organic molecule known as lysergide.

Janeway: Psychedelic! What's lysergide?

Tuvok: It is also known as lysergic acid diethylamide, or more commonly referred to simply by the three-letter abbreviation L.S.D. Ah, I believe I know what may have occurred. Didn't Mister Paris bring your coffee this morning?

Janeway: Yes. It was a thoughtful peace offering. He must really have reflected on his sour attitude while scrubbing all the plasma conduits by hand. I thought it tasted a little sweet, but I drank it anyway. Look at those colors!

Tuvok: Uh, yes, Captain, the colors are very, uh, "groovy." Tuvok to Voyager. Two to beam immediately to sickbay. Energize.

Janeway (during transport): Psychedelic!

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Janeway: What in the world is this?

Tuvok: That is one of the drawings you did when Mister Paris spiked your coffee with a hallucinogen. I believe that one represents plans for a device you called an oscillation overthruster.

Janeway: Oscillation overthruster—Oh, yes! I remember now. How are B'Elanna and Seven coming on reproducing one?

Tuvok: I believe I heard Lieutenant Torres say that the designs might make more sense if she, quote, dropped acid too, unquote.

Janeway: I see. And how is Tom coming on manually sterilizing the waste recovery system?

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Neelix: How are you faring, Mister Kim? I heard you had quite a scare on your last away mission.

Harry: Yeah, no more unauthorized chemicals from Tom's vintage drug lab for me! And no more bridge duty for a while, either. They've got me down here manually verifying the spare parts inventory. What's that you've got there?

Neelix: This? Oh, nothing. Just some solutions I'm synthesizing for To—I mean—some new vitamin concentrates I've been experimenting with.

Harry: I see; Tom's roped you in, too. You know, we're probably the first Starfleet vessel in history to have a drug dealer on board. At this rate, next week I'll probably hear that Captain Janeway is having a secret love affair with Seven of Nine!

Seven (from across the cargo bay): What?

Neelix (whispering): Uh-oh, you forgot about that Borg hearing! Here she comes!

Seven: How did you find out about that?

 

[Isis]

When Neelix needed extra spending money, he became a Mountain Dew salesman, but people wouldn't even take the free samples.

 

[Isis]

Neelix seriously challenged Kim as "dumbest person on Voyager" when he forgot to label the urine samples from the crew's annual physicals.

 

[Isis]

If Harry had known the suns would be setting so soon, he wouldn't have beamed down to the planet all prepared to work on his tan.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Hanar Embassador: "This one implores you to allow it to take a moment of your time to speak to you about the Enkindlers."

Janeway: "Next time, let's not answer the door."

 

[Distorted Humor]

Janeway: You dragged us all the way to the Delta quadrant to sell us...AMWAY?

 

[Leviathan]

The Death Orb stalked silently into place...it prepared to rid the universe of yet another Comic Relief.

 

[LeadHead]

Tuvok was very smart, he came to the Doctors performance of Forever Plaid with a phaser.

Janeway: Ah, so this is why we don't need the warp 5 speed limit anymore.

Neelix: I finished mixing the crews urine samples.

Kim: No Neelix, you were supposed to sort them.

Neelix: Whoops, at least you told me before I got to Chakotays Pregnancy test results.

Lorien: Who are you? What do you want? Who are you? Who are you?

Chakotay: Make a note of that.

Seven: Very well, Ensign Kim sucks as both a left handed and right handed pitcher.

 

[Capt_Pickirk]

(Shuttlecraft rises out of the swamp)

CHAKOTAY: I...I don't believe it...

HARRY: That, is why you fail...

 

[LeadHead]

Chakotay: (voiceover) Harry thought the trip to the Planet with no air was just for fun... but it was the perfect place to shoot him.

 

[Captain Crow]

TUVOK: Just when I thought this day could not get any worse.

Tuvok, continued: Though on the plus side it is not multiple Neelixes.

[Tuvok shudders]

Tuvok: THERE ARE FOUR DOCTORS!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Tuvok: THERE ARE FOUR DOCTORS!

FOURTH DOCTOR: Jelly Baby?

 

[Isis]

Janeway: "How many times have I told the EMH he needs to clean up after he does a liposuction?"

 

[Isis]

TUVOK: Just when I thought this day could not get any worse.

Tuvok, continued: Though on the plus side it is not multiple Neelixes.

[Tuvok shudders]

TUVOK: "Or multiple Kims."

 

[Captain Crow]

Neelix: How many more of these do I have to fill for my urine test? It's taken me all day to fill this and the other eleven batches of test tubes.

Kim: Oh, that. We just told you to fill all those so you'd leave us alone.

Neelix: What!? Why would you do that?

Kim: Because we don't like you... and you smell like a kitty litter box.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Hello Voyagers!

Due to an incredibly busy weekend for me, i am going to extend this contest until NEXT friday (June 3rd), so keep your thinking caps on and please continue submitting captions until then!

Have a GREAT WEEKEND (and holiday to my fellow Americans)! Stay safe and a big THANK YOU to our Vets!

~Randi

 

[Schistocerca]

Janeway: "Tuvok, for my birthday really? Oh I love it so much!.....You did keep the receipt didn't you?