Voyager Caption Contest #43: "No Returns Without Receipt"

[Jonas Grumby]

Neelix: "You have some really nice melons!"
Vendor: "Fresh!"
Neelix: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be forward."
Vendor: "No, I mean the melons are fresh."
Neelix: "Oh!"

 

[Shon T'Hara]

Thanks for the win.

Girl: There must have been more to this act.

Neelix: No. All Gallagher did was stand on stage and smash melons while telling lame jokes.

Girl: And humans found this funny?

Neelix: Mr. Paris assures me this is a classic of human comedy. We shall find out Tuesday when I reenact it in the ship's talent show.

B'elanna: Torres to Tuvok. We have a Code 7 emergency.

Tuvok: I'll notify the Doctor to prepare the mindwipe.

B'elanna: And tell Tom that if he shows those Gallagher tapes to Neelix again, I'll shove a bat'leth so far up his ass he'll have ridges on his forehead.

Seven: I cannot believe Amazon is charging $20 for the new Stephen King book.

Doctor: I can't believe they're charging anything for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. They should be paying me to read this crap.

Seven: I did warn you not to join Mr. Paris and Mr. Kim's book club.

Chakotay: Seven, what did this tree ever do to you?

Seven: It said I had a "camel toe".

Unbeknownst to the rest of the crew, Mr. Kim had a secret hobby: he liked to chew up Skittles and then mush them into a giant gooey mound.

 

[Finn]

Neelix: Blond, beautiful and growing veggies. You remind me of my ex, only much older

*SLAP!*

 

[SRFX]

Harry meets his replacement for the Ops position.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Chakotay: "It's a major award!"

You know, Darren McGavin was always one of those actors I couldn't quite decide whether I liked or not...until I saw him in that movie! Anyone who can ham it up the way he did is aces in my book!

 

[LeadHead]

Here's one for the Mass Effect fans

Neelix: I must say you Quarians look amazingly like humans.

Tali: Yes, these new envirosuits we developed have really revolutionized everything.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Chacotay: "I told that fucker to stay away from my picnic basket."

 

[J.Ashmore]

Seven: Doctor, does this shade of lipstick match this catsuit?

Doctor: Is my bat cave clear?

 

[tharpdevenport]

7 of 9: "What about this dress? Wouldn't it look nice on me? I thought maybe we could go out to diner and then -- hey! PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY!!!"

Doctor: "Sorry."

 

[Nerys Myk]

TORRES: Great, its gonna be pages of melon jokes!

EMH & SEVEN (both thinking) Yep, still the best looking crew member on board.

CHAKOTAY: Looks like an accident.

SEVEN (sarcastically) Wow, you're a regular Gil Grissom.

JANEWAY: Well?

TORRES: It's taking 75% of ship power and doubled the time to Alpha Quadrant, but you'll have coffee.

JANEWAY: Works for me.

HARRY: Doc, I need it back. I got an Away Missiom.

EMH: Like anyone could tell the difference.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Woman: Gee, Mr. Neelix, I've never met a big-time holosim producer before! And you say I can definitely have a spot in the chorus line of your new musical...just so long as I don't mind a bit of nudity?"
B'Elanna: "Oh, hell, not again!"

 

[Mistral]

Mistral says-thanks for the win! I didn't know how that was going to play! Glad you liked it!

"Somewhere around here there's a Klingon named K'Arthur..."

7 of 9 : "And a Cardassian named Glinn M'erlin?"

 

[Mistral]

"Yes, Mr. Neelix, try the yellow squash. It's quite delicious and not the least bit toxic!"

Neelix: "This stuff's poisonous, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, but Mr. Paris promised me twenty strips of latinum if I told you that."

Neelix: "You know he won those strips in a holosuite, right? They're totally fake."

"Oh, thank the gods! So that whole pregnancy test thing is fake too-right? Right?"

 

[LeadHead]

Chakotay: Chakotay to Voyager.

Janeway: Have you found Tom and B'Elanna yet?

Chakotay: Not yet, but I think the honeymoon is over. Literally.

 

[Alrik]

Vendor: "So. What do you think of my melons?"

Nelix: "Hamna hamna hamna."

B'Elanna: "Smooth Nelix, reeeeaaaal smooth."

Chakotay: "Captain, it's worse than we thought."

Janeway (os) "Report."

Chakotay: "It appears that the Klingons have gone to war with the trees."

 

[alte]

 

[Isis]

Neelix (to self): "This woman is the perfect combination of Kes and Seven. Kes is cute, but she doesn't have the melons. Seven has the melons, but I wouldn't exactly call her cute. This woman is cute and has melons to spare."

Janeway: "OK, B'Elanna. With you and Mr. Paris giving me these Robo-San 4000 coffeemakers for Christmas, you two have nailed those two promotions. Hands down."

 

[Isis]

Janeway: "Hmmm...transporters for elves. Why did Neelix just pop into my mind?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: Nice work, lieutenant. Merry Christmas to us.

 

[Alrik]

B''Eleana: "A meth lab?!"

Kate: "No biggie, you should'a seen what I could do back in high school."