Too Many Decisions

[Amaris]

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone. In mom news, she's doing much better. She's still out of it (due to the morphine) and forgets what day it is, and whether the doctor has visited her or not, but still, getting better.

In Dallie news, she ate a little bit more this evening, drank a lot of water, and she'll walk from her bed in the living room to her bed in my room. The tumor is getting nastier by the day, it almost looks like it's spreading. I love her to bits, but when I look at that thing on her leg, well, I'm probably going to swear off chicken for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow morning I call the vet, and he'll give me my options. Now, unless he has some miracle cure that will extend her life in both quality and quantity, I only really have one option. I told him already when we were in the office last week not to give me false hope. So he hasn't, and I appreciate it. I've been giving her kisses and hugs all evening, and I look at her now and I know that I'm doing the right thing.

 

[Niorah]

Be strong for her, nobody wants to be undignified in their own death, animals even less than human beings. When the little doggie I had died, many many years ago, she did so in her own time and where she felt comfortable, she went away from us and into another room for the night, and in the morning we found her dead on her favourite rug.
They know when it's time better than you, so yes, listen to what she's trying to say.

 

[Amaris]

Be strong for her, nobody wants to be undignified in their own death, animals even less than human beings. When the little doggie I had died, many many years ago, she did so in her own time and where she felt comfortable, she went away from us and into another room for the night, and in the morning we found her dead on her favourite rug.
They know when it's time better than you, so yes, listen to what she's trying to say.

I will. I'm making her comfortable. It's all I can do until everything is scheduled.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

Sorry to hear about your dog John. I know how hard losing a pet is. I lost my 2 19 year old cats a month apart. My thoughts are with you.

I'm glad that your mom is doing better. I'm sure that she will improve even more when she is away from that place and gets to go home.

 

[Amaris]

It's done. She's gone.

 

[Kira's Mom]

^I'm so sorry, J. It sucks to lose a pet.

 

[Amaris]

^I'm so sorry, J. It sucks to lose a pet.

It hurts so much. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.
This evening, I forced myself to eat a cheeseburger to keep my sugar up, and I came to the last bite and I always gave that to Dallie.
I started to throw it in her direction and realized that she was gone, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. God it hurts.

 

[ancientone51]

So sorry. Have a good cry and a good sleep and focus on your mom.

We are here for you.

 

[Bears Discover Fire]

^I'm so sorry, J. It sucks to lose a pet.

It hurts so much. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.
This evening, I forced myself to eat a cheeseburger to keep my sugar up, and I came to the last bite and I always gave that to Dallie.
I started to throw it in her direction and realized that she was gone, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. God it hurts.

[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]

No need to hold it in. Losing a pet sucks. I've grieved harder for my pets than I have for some people, my dogs especially. No need to beat yourself up in the following months or even years when you get misty-eyed thinking about Dallie, either.

Although I knew this was coming from reading and participating in this thread, it was still a punch in the gut to this distant internet poster who has never even met you or Dallie.

She was obviously an extremely loved and cared for dog, and it was an act of love and selflessness to choose a painless and dignified end to her life. Not that it makes you feel any better at the moment, but it will eventually.

 

[Amaris]

So sorry. Have a good cry and a good sleep and focus on your mom.

We are here for you.

^I'm so sorry, J. It sucks to lose a pet.

It hurts so much. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.
This evening, I forced myself to eat a cheeseburger to keep my sugar up, and I came to the last bite and I always gave that to Dallie.
I started to throw it in her direction and realized that she was gone, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. God it hurts.

[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]

No need to hold it in. Losing a pet sucks. I've grieved harder for my pets than I have for some people, my dogs especially. No need to beat yourself up in the following months or even years when you get misty-eyed thinking about Dallie, either.

Although I knew this was coming from reading and participating in this thread, it was still a punch in the gut to this distant internet poster who has never even met you or Dallie.

She was obviously an extremely loved and cared for dog, and it was an act of love and selflessness to choose a painless and dignified end to her life. Not that it makes you feel any better at the moment, but it will eventually.

Thank you to the both of you. She was well taken care of. The vet told me not to feel guilty, that we had done everything in our power to sustain her. I agree, we did everything, but for a few hours after it had been done, I felt like I had betrayed my closest friend. I don't feel that way now, and the raw grief is starting to subside, but the pain is still powerful. The habits will be the hardest to break, but I can do it.

You know, I had been thinking about it for a long time, whether there is something to an afterlife, and I have to say, there are human beings, and sweet, loving animals, that convince me that if there is a heaven, then such people and animals would be the reason. That may sound weird, but it is something I have thought about, and something I contemplate now.

Edit: Sorry, I'm still a little jumbled in the head. I just want to say thank you to all of you, that I appreciate all of your comments. I appreciate all the hugs and the sweet words, and I know that in time my heart will heal. Even now, I laugh to myself at all of the great and funny things Dallie used to do, like the time she tried to jump into our car and didn't realize the window was rolled up. *smack*, hit the grass, bounced right back up and gave that look that says she meant to do that. When I feel really sad about it, all I have to do is remember how she was, and compare it to her last week of life, which was painful, miserable and excruciating for her. It makes me feel better, because it makes me realize that I didn't lose her, I gave her freedom.

You know, I tend to compartmentalize my pain, and while it will find it's way out at times, I also believe in moving forward, to celebrate her little life by celebrating the fun we had, the good memories, and by pushing forward. Grieving helps neither of us, although there will be copious amounts of crying. She was a good dog, and it will be rough, but life goes on. My biggest concern, though, is telling my mom. I don't know how to do it, but I have to do it before she comes home. I don't want to hinder her healing, but she'll want to know.

Please forgive me if any of this sounds out of whack. I'm not thinking too clearly at the moment.
Anyway, I love all of you guys, and really appreciate the sentiments. <<HUGS>> to all of you.

 

[propita]

It's done. She's gone.

So sorry for you.

 

[Amaris]

It's done. She's gone.

So sorry for you.

Thank you, sweetheart. It's really odd. Sometimes I feel fine. A minute later, I'm in tears.

 

[Captain Ice]

You know, I tend to compartmentalize my pain, and while it will find it's way out at times, I also believe in moving forward, to celebrate her little life by celebrating the fun we had, the good memories, and by pushing forward. Grieving helps neither of us, although there will be copious amounts of crying. She was a good dog, and it will be rough, but life goes on. My biggest concern, though, is telling my mom. I don't know how to do it, but I have to do it before she comes home. I don't want to hinder her healing, but she'll want to know.

Even though I knew this was coming, it still pains me to see it. Hugs, man.

My advice to you at this time is to not even try to compartmentalize the pain. At least not for a week or so. You've just lost your best friend and trusted companion of 15 years. There's no way in hell that you can just get over that in just a few hours. So don't even try. Anyone who has been in your shoes will understand the pain you are going through right now. The only thing that compartmentalizing the pain will get you is it surfacing at the worst possible moment, like picking your Mom up at the hospital. So let it wash over you for a few days and then try to move on with your life.

J., this is the reason why setting her free like this is the absolute hardest damned thing in the world to do. Going in, you know what you're setting yourself up for, yet you have to do it anyway. Part of you knows why this had to happen, but I will also bet that part of you holds yourself to blame for it because you're the one who made the choice. It's illogical, but it's part of the process and it will take time to come to terms with.

 

[Australis]

^ I'm with the Captain. I never met her, never knew her, but knowing how dogs are faithful, loyal companions...

You never want to hurt them. But you want to do right by them. Sadly, at the end of the day, this was right. Deepest condolences, man.

 

[Deckerd]

She was lovely. When it's not so raw you should post those lovely pics of her one more time John. I'm so soppy I'm filling up here. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Mr Awe]

I'm so sorry to hear this J. It's painful, no way around that. I've been there with pets multiple times. You took the best care of her that was possible. She had a great life with you and your family. A dog could not ask for anything more than that.

The first week after a pet passes I find that I'm barely keeping myself together. It does get easier. The pain goes away. Eventually, you think back with only smiles and laughs.

That doesn't help you right now but just know that you will be able to look back and chuckle over the good times.

Mr Awe

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Oh John, i am so sorry! Please please know that i am thinking of you, and grieving with you. We had to have our beloved little Smooshie put down 4+ years ago. She was 16-1/2 years old and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, so i totally totally understand. Don't hold it in, cry and grieve. It will get easier and eventually you will be able to think about Dallie and smile and remember. And truly, knowing you loved her and did right by her all of her life will help you get through this. I am here for you.
Much love,
Randi

 

[Scout101]

Sorry, J., know it's tough. Did the right thing, though, and she's not in pain anymore. Last thing you could do for her...

 

[Kira's Mom]

It's done. She's gone.

So sorry for you.

Thank you, sweetheart. It's really odd. Sometimes I feel fine. A minute later, I'm in tears.

That's normal. When I got the news that my Kira had been put down, I was sitting on a bench in the Museum of Modern Art in NYC...and I actually started crying. Then I was fine the rest of the day until dinner, and got sniffly again.

 

[Mary Ann]

I'm so sorry, John. I know how painful this is, but you know you did the right thing. I know I'm simply repeating good advice here, but let your grief flow freely. Losing a pet can hurt as much as losing a person in your life. I'm thinking of you. *hug*