This rarely happens - I'm angry

[Goji]

It's true, I'm rarely in a state I'd call anger. Annoyed, sure. Downright irritated sometimes. But it blows over soon enough and nothing comes of it. Right now, however, I'm pissed (hence the italics). And I think I'm only partially justified in being so. I don't know.

The reason for my anger is a bit of a long story that some of you know already. I'll try to sum it up quickly. Five years ago in my freshman year of college (wow, I'm old now) one of my best friends was a quiet little girl named Diana who shared three out of four of my classes and was picked by the teacher in one to lead a group project with me a week into the first semester. So I got to know her very well right away.

We were very good friends for a long time until she rather randomly decided that we weren't anymore. I must assume that it was random because I wasn't even there when it happened. All I know is that one day she stopped returning my phone calls and emails. I ran into her once or twice and she tried her best to avoid me, which hurt since I didn't know the reason.

I kept trying to get in touch with her since I had no idea what the hell was going on, and eventually she sent me an EXTREMELY rude response telling me to stay away from her, and that her previous silence was really a "message" that we weren't friends anymore. I asked why, and she told me it was because we don't have anything in common, which is a.) horse manure, b.) a rather terrible reason to treat someone like garbage. But anyway I did as she asked since I TRY to be a good person and don't force myself on people who don't want to be my friend, even if at one time we absolutely WERE.

That was three years ago. Today, I come home and I see, waiting for me in my email inbox, a facebook friend request from her.

Let me say that what happened between me and her I consider to be, without doubt, one of the low points of my life. I don't like the idea that someone, apparently, hates me, and for reasons that I have no idea how to explain. This was someone who I considered one of my best friends and she betrayed me for reasons that, if they exist at all, she never bothered to explain to me. Losing a friend hurt, especially since I didn't have many close friends at the time, as did not knowing the reason. And knowing that she apparently hated my guts all of a sudden, well that just about clinched the ordeal as something best put well behind me.

And I DID do that. I had no other choice BUT to do that. And now three years later, she wants to, what, get the chance to see my icon under her "friends" listing whenever she logs in? What the hell? I am seriously wondering what the HELL her motivation for this is. Part of me is just curious enough to actually accept her damn invitation to be "friends" again and find out, but another very large part hates the idea of reopening this particular wound for ANY reason.

When I lost her as a friend I was sad. Now I'm just seriously pissed off without a good target for my anger. I'll probably end up ignoring her invitation like I do all the rest of facebook, but I needed a chance to get this out. Man does this bug me.

 

[JonathonWally]

You could simply ignore it, or, you could do the proper thing and message her back and say;

"Sorry, I have a personal rule about accepting friend requests from raging two-faced lunatics without explanation".

Or, she could just be one of those people who measure their life in facebook friends.

 

[Goji]

I sort of think that's unlikely since she apparently has a grand total of 10 facebook friends. She had six back when I was her friend, so she's added about one per year it seems. I don't like being confrontational and don't really want to unnecessarily open up old wounds so I'll probably end up ignoring it, once my rage dies down again.

I did get a chuckle out of the message on her profile. "I hate everyone but you." Man, sophomore year of college fucked her up bad.

 

[Niorah]

You could just send her a message à la McEnroe : "You cannot be serious!"

Seriously though, I'm sorry she got you all riled up, but the best thing to do is to just let it go and don't look back, good riddance.

 

[Danoz]

What a bizarre situation...

If it were me, I'd probably send her a polite message out of morbid curiosity and see if she responded. If it's still an open wound, I wouldn't bother.

 

[Deckerd]

If you're angry, you're not over it. You have to deal with that before you decide what you're going to do. There's no point in anyone else advising you because we don't know you well enough.

 

[JonathonWally]

I don't like being confrontational and don't really want to unnecessarily open up old wounds so I'll probably end up ignoring it, once my rage dies down again.

If I were in your situation, I'd want to both attempt to gain some answers to put a close to that chapter of your life, and make her uncomfortable/feel shitty like she did to you.

 

[Finn]

Your friend may have had a situtation back then that she was afraid to tell you about it. I don't know.

 

[Captain_Nick]

what finn said . dont allow yourself to be consumed by bitterness. . this is an oopportunity to find out what happened

 

[SicOne]

If her profile message says, "I hate everyone but you" and she has ten FB friends, I'd steer clear because that's not exactly the kind of person who brings something good to your life. Someone with several hundred FB friends could pass such a statement off as a wry joke, but someone with just a handful, well, that statement's probably not far from the truth.

Yeah, it sucks to be unceremoniously dropped from someone's life without explanation when you considered them to be a good friend but it does happen and frequently without good reason...but you must also think about the quality and caliber of such a person. Is that really the type of person you want in your life to begin with, someone who could just do that?

If---IF---you decided to accept her friend request, I suggest you do so while keeping a good emotional distance. You are probably tempted to accept her request and then send her a barrage of questions aimed at resolving your long-term confusion over the defriending back some time ago, but I would guess that (1) if you maintain some distance you'll get the answers you are looking for in due time, and (2) discover that there are good reasons why she only has ten FB friends.

Regarding friending her just to make her feel bad later on, as a poster suggested...two wrongs don't make a right, no matter how satisfying that might feel at the time.

 

[TheBrew]

I think my curiosity would get the better of me as I sometimes am morbidly interested in the lives of past "friends" who have utterly failed at life.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

It sounds to me like she's crazy, at a minimum. If it were me, I'd probably send her a message first and try to establish a conversation. If she isn't friendly (and quite frankly, at least a bit apologetic), I'd simply ignore her and the request. Don't accept the request until you're sure either way.

Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt. None of us know the situation like you do. Do what you think is best.

 

[Trekker4747]

Or, she could just be one of those people who measure their life in facebook friends.

This

 

[Finn]

^Only ten friends? I'm not sure I'd compare her to those people with over a thousand friends on their list.

 

[Kestra]

That sucks, Goji. Re-opening old wounds is never fun. I'd say ignore her Facebook request and move on, because you're never going to get the kind of explanation you want and getting involved with her will probably just end up being frustrating.

Honestly, she probably is messed up and remembered you and missed you. She's probably been messed up for awhile and you happened to get caught up in it. I doubt she really comprehends how much she hurt you.

I had a friend in high school and everyone considered us inseparable. Then things got a little complicated our senior year and instead of dealing with it maturely and talking it out, he just started treating me worse and worse. It hurt a lot, and we ended up losing our friendship. Freshman year of college we were all back in town and we saw each other at a party but I had nothing to do with him. He got really upset and started telling me how he realized how he had fucked up and he was sorry, and I accepted his apology, but I just couldn't be friends with him again. It still hurt way too much and I didn't feel like I could trust him.

Fast forward many years and we managed to get drunk together one night and get past everything that had happened. We stay in touch now and I'm happy to have him in my life, but we'll never be as close as we once were.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes friends do really shitty things, and sometimes you can forgive them, and sometimes you can't. It might take a lot of time or it might not be worth it at all. Considering she never acknowledged how much she hurt you, I wouldn't get involved with her in any way again if I were you. I just don't think you'll get any satisfaction out of it.

 

[An Officer]

I would want to know why she cut me off so suddenly and without explanation (just to have closure), and if she didn't have a good answer, I would decline her friendship request on the grounds that I do not want to have "friends" who treat me that way.

 

[sidious618]

I think my curiosity would get the better of me as I sometimes am morbidly interested in the lives of past "friends" who have utterly failed at life.

I'm glad I'm not only in that.

 

[Starbreaker]

Been there, done that.

You say, "sorry we don't have anything in common" and optionally add "you fucking whore".

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think my curiosity would get the better of me as I sometimes am morbidly interested in the lives of past "friends" who have utterly failed at life.

I'm glad I'm not only in that.

I also find fun in such activity.

And there are a few people in my life who cut me off the way this girl did to you, Goji. Eventually, you just have to let go and say "fuck it." It doesn't matter. They're out of your life, so forget 'em. And click the "Ignore" button on Facebook if you want nothing more to do with her.

If you don't even want to see her friend requests, you can block her entirely.

 

[STR]

I would want to know why she cut me off so suddenly and without explanation (just to have closure), and if she didn't have a good answer, I would decline her friendship request on the grounds that I do not want to have "friends" who treat me that way.

Thank you. Being a passive aggressive wienie never helped me in life. I'd send her a message asking straight up why the hell she cut you off and why you would be, in any way, interested in setting yourself up for that kind of thing again.

Then again, I'm a direct person. I know exactly where everyone of consequence in my life stands in regard to me. I dislike uncertainty, gray areas, and having to deduce what people's motives are.