Open Relationships (Can They Work?)

[Ood Sigma]

This subject comes up every couple of months, and as someone who has some experience with it, I feel compelled to chime in.

Of course they can work, many people are in them and do just fine. Many people try them and find they can't handle them. And some don't ever try because they know it'll never work for them. It depends on how all partners handle jealousy.

I'm part of one. My wife and I have been married for quite some time (just celebrated our 10th anniversary). About two years ago she decided she wanted to try it. We're currently in a situation where all three of us live together and we all get along pretty well. Sure, there are fights, but it's usually over stuff that any couple fights over: money, rude behavior, etc. In that sense it's not much different from a more traditional relationship.

I'm not interested in being involved with anyone else. Some people take that to mean that she's forcing the lifestyle on me or that it's not a "true" open relationship, but that's not the case. I had some time to think about it and I decided that I could be OK with it and I'd at least give it a shot. What do I get out of it? Honestly, it a) makes her happy and b) gives her someone else to communicate & connect with. Sometimes I don't know how to handle her moods and he does. And vice versa. Someone else mentioned fulfilling needs - this means I don't have to fulfill those needs I'm not able to. Which is why a lot of relationships fall apart.

The other thing I'll say is that it has changed me a lot personally. I used to be a very emotional person. The wrong word would cause me to go on a crying jag. I'd spend weekends depressed out of my mind, caused by worry or boredom or... for no reason whatsoever. Dealing with the emotions that being in this situation brings out (jealousy, loneliness, etc.) taught me to accept things, to let them pass and move on, to not worry over every detail of life and just enjoy it, even when the circumstances aren't ideal. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that truly examining your feelings in this way, instead of just giving your off-the-cuff reaction, is a way to grow as a person.

 

[Malleus]

I don't like the implication that getting married means the commitment you're making is of a sexual nature. "I will only have sex with this person for the rest of my life." That's not what marriage is. I mean, it might be for some people, but if that's the barometer by which you're measuring the success of a marriage, you are probably looking at it the wrong way. It's a lot more than that.

Anyway, an open relationship can work just fine as long as all parties involved are okay with it and there's no jealousy involved.

I still can't grasp why people who aren't in open relationships feel the need to criticize them, though. Can't people just mind their own business and do what makes them happy rather than worry about what other people are doing?

As the New York poster said above, there are open relationships, there are open marriages, and then there are polyamorous commitments.

 

[greenguy]

This subject comes up every couple of months, and as someone who has some experience with it, I feel compelled to chime in.

Of course they can work, many people are in them and do just fine. Many people try them and find they can't handle them. And some don't ever try because they know it'll never work for them. It depends on how all partners handle jealousy.

I'm part of one. My wife and I have been married for quite some time (just celebrated our 10th anniversary). About two years ago she decided she wanted to try it. We're currently in a situation where all three of us live together and we all get along pretty well. Sure, there are fights, but it's usually over stuff that any couple fights over: money, rude behavior, etc. In that sense it's not much different from a more traditional relationship.

I'm not interested in being involved with anyone else. Some people take that to mean that she's forcing the lifestyle on me or that it's not a "true" open relationship, but that's not the case. I had some time to think about it and I decided that I could be OK with it and I'd at least give it a shot. What do I get out of it? Honestly, it a) makes her happy and b) gives her someone else to communicate & connect with. Sometimes I don't know how to handle her moods and he does. And vice versa. Someone else mentioned fulfilling needs - this means I don't have to fulfill those needs I'm not able to. Which is why a lot of relationships fall apart.

The other thing I'll say is that it has changed me a lot personally. I used to be a very emotional person. The wrong word would cause me to go on a crying jag. I'd spend weekends depressed out of my mind, caused by worry or boredom or... for no reason whatsoever. Dealing with the emotions that being in this situation brings out (jealousy, loneliness, etc.) taught me to accept things, to let them pass and move on, to not worry over every detail of life and just enjoy it, even when the circumstances aren't ideal. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that truly examining your feelings in this way, instead of just giving your off-the-cuff reaction, is a way to grow as a person.

Thank you for the insightful post that summed up what I wanted to say but wasn't really sure how. Speaking from experience on the topic of open relationships, one of the keys to any relationship is to acknowledge your needs and admit honestly whether or not they are being met. If they are not, then the relationship isn't working for you, and that is okay. This is actually very hard for many people to admit, let alone bring up and resolve in conversation. An open relationship is a possible means of addressing this while still holding on to what does work for you in the relationship, which is likely worth more than it would be to just break up over a whim, a mild crush on someone else, or some petty fight.

 

[CaptainStoner]

The best answer I have to this question is yes and no.

 

[Ood Sigma]

Thank you for the insightful post that summed up what I wanted to say but wasn't really sure how. Speaking from experience on the topic of open relationships, one of the keys to any relationship is to acknowledge your needs and admit honestly whether or not they are being met. If they are not, then the relationship isn't working for you, and that is okay. This is actually very hard for many people to admit, let alone bring up and resolve in conversation. An open relationship is a possible means of addressing this while still holding on to what does work for you in the relationship, which is likely worth more than it would be to just break up over a whim, a mild crush on someone else, or some petty fight.

No problem! I often stay quiet unless I feel I have something to add but on this subject I have a lot of experience, including going from one of those people who thought it'd never work for me to someone who admits that it does.

I'm also a shy person and even though I'd been with my wife for almost 13 years at the time, I don't think I could have initiated the conversation. That actually took a lot of courage on her part, and I really respect her for that. She took a heck of a chance... she even told me that she thought I'd want to leave her rather than agree to it. That was brave of her to admit her feelings rather than be sneaky about it, even if it meant losing me.

For me, the idea of losing her completely seemed worse than "sharing" her with someone else. I decided that if things ever got to a point where I couldn't handle it any more, then I could always reconsider then. And now, over two years later, I'm still not at that point.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ You've got more courage than I do, Ood.

If I was in a relationship for that long and my wife decided she wanted more, I wouldn't be able to handle it. As I said, open relationships don't appeal to me at all. Maybe that makes me closed-minded, obsolete or jealous; so be it.

But, and this may sound weird coming from a terminal case of loneliness like myself, I think I would rather get out of it than be forced into a relationship I don't want. Doesn't that make at least *some* sense?

 

[Kestra]

^ You've got more courage than I do, Ood.

If I was in a relationship for that long and my wife decided she wanted more, I wouldn't be able to handle it. As I said, open relationships don't appeal to me at all. Maybe that makes me closed-minded, obsolete or jealous; so be it.

But, and this may sound weird coming from a terminal case of loneliness like myself, I think I would rather get out of it than be forced into a relationship I don't want. Doesn't that make at least *some* sense?

I don't know why you're trying to clarify your position and are acting defensive about it when several other people in this thread have expressed the same sentiments as you.

Yes, it makes sense that an open relationship wouldn't be something you'd choose, and no, that doesn't make you close-minded.

 

[Emher]

Absoluetly it can work with the right mindset. But I have trouble enough getting one relationship, so hey, what do I know?

 

[propita]

Ood, that really was interesting. It sounds like you all know what you want and are able to achieve it. I doubt everyone who thinks an open relationship is quite as rational as your family.

I guess I don't expect one person to fulfill all of my needs, so I prioritize. Sometimes some go completely unfulfilled--but sometimes I'm "too" needy, you know what I mean? I think it's good that I am sometimes forced to grow and provide for myself, primarily because I can be the laziest person ever. But, like Shameless McBundy, I don't think I could share.

Also, it was important to both Hubby and me that we be each others' only. This wasn't religious. It is the "MINE" that is important to us. I know that to many, this makes us immature, insecure, co-dependent. But it's OUR lives and we're not telling anyone else that they must do what we did. And if we're going to be co-dependent, at least we're co-dependent with each other. I thought that our attitude (even the "mine") was not so common, but we've met people, many much younger than us, who do want something similar for themselves.

So, to each his own. If all participating parties are in agreement and no one's getting hurt, it's not my business how people run their physical and emotional lives.

 

[Ood Sigma]

^ You've got more courage than I do, Ood.

If I was in a relationship for that long and my wife decided she wanted more, I wouldn't be able to handle it. As I said, open relationships don't appeal to me at all. Maybe that makes me closed-minded, obsolete or jealous; so be it.

But, and this may sound weird coming from a terminal case of loneliness like myself, I think I would rather get out of it than be forced into a relationship I don't want. Doesn't that make at least *some* sense?

Oh sure, it makes sense. I always left myself that option; if I was truly miserable, I'd leave. I decided to give it a chance based on the strength of my feelings for her. So far, it's worked out pretty well. My feelings of jealousy are practically zero and I genuinely like the other guy (despite a few minor annoyances which are normal for anyone living with any housemate).

Since you're so strongly against it, I hope you never have to find out what it feels like. I'll be honest, as someone who wasn't brought up to consider that to be normal or even acceptable, it *did* hurt a lot. Much soul-searching was done, and I think I'm a better person now and I understand what's truly important to me. I'm glad I gave it a chance.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

Our unique inheritance as sentient animals is that we're able to move beyond 'natural' behaviour as can be adequately encapsulated within a documentary narrated by David Attenborough to moral behaviour: to replace 'what is' with 'what should be'. But it doesn't do anyone any good to ignore biology if for no other reason than, as Sophia Lamb says in Bioshock 2, one must know the beast before it can be slain.

Very nicely written. When I saw the topic title I had half a mind to post a bit of past experience myself and arrive at a similar enough conclusion, but you went and did that for me, it seems.

At any rate, open relationships can work and I don't see a problem with them so long as they're mutually open. If that's what two people -- or perhaps, twenty people -- are interested in and wish to pursue, then so be it. Myself, they've never been a thing of interest, nor have some of the things I witnessed in my upbringing cast a positive light on them for me to arrive at such wants. But I don't see anything inherently wrong with them, so long as they're mutual.

And yes, by extent of emphasizing they be truly open, I'm casting a righteous gaze downward upon evolution and its 'male must ensure offspring are his' subroutine. I'm calling evolution wrong, even though I believe in it wholeheartedly.

It's an interesting life I lead, being sentient.

 

[Ood Sigma]

Ood, that really was interesting. It sounds like you all know what you want and are able to achieve it. I doubt everyone who thinks an open relationship is quite as rational as your family.

Yeah, my guess is that a lot of people use the concept to run around on their partner but with their permission. Probably mostly for physical satisfaction. That's not the case with us, it seems to be an extra emotional connection that she needed. Once I realized that I can't possibly be all things to her, it was easier to understand. Like you, I don't need to feel 100% connection - so in my view, being with someone else would only complicate things, not improve them. I now know that I can rely on myself for things I thought I needed someone else for.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

That is an interesting read, Ood. I've always been fascinated by individual interpretations of things, especially (I just can't help it) the more controversial things in our current societies.

 

[Captain Ice]

They only work when the people involved in them are completely open and honest with each other, with themselves, and with what they want from the relationship. Some people can pull them off and some cannot. I like them, but for them to work, all partners involved have to work at them and it is not anywhere near easy.

 

[ThunderAeroI]

The fact it isn't easy - to me - proves it can't work. My own prejudice against it makes it hard for me to understand how it mechanical works on any level. As I'd see one person set back as the maid unless everything was truly equal, and if you have to "make" it work, it doesn't.

I don't have to "make" my marriage work, it just does. I don't have to worry about paying attention to or doing things for someone else other than my wife and If I did, I wouldn't have to worry about my wife either. Its simple.

Sharing strikes me as somehow cowardice and I can't explain why.

 

[RandyS]

I could never handle an open relationship, I know that. I would always feel like a "third wheel". I would always be afraid: "Does she love this other person more than me?" I try not to be jealous, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

And in the end, open relationships just don't *appeal* to me. I not only couldn't handle one, I don't *want* one. That's not being closed-minded, is it?

I don't think so, but then, I agree with you.

 

[AstroSmurf]

To answer the original question: Yes. An open relationship can work. But this kind of relationship can only work if both people are mature enough to handle things. They also need to have a certain emotional stability as well. However, most people would not be able to have this kind of relationship. Unchecked emotions would end up destroying things before long.

I myself have been in an open relationship and handled it just fine. He did internet porn for extra money. But I also knew about this before I got into the relationship. It never bothered me though. I have never been the jealous type and won't tolerate someone who is either. But we had a rule, we told each other everything. No secrets. Talking about things openly really helped keep things grounded.

The relationship worked but we ended it after about a year. But it wasn't the sex that got in the way. We both ultimately wanted different things. I want kids and that is a deal breaker for me.

 

[ThunderAeroI]

To answer the original question: Yes. An open relationship can work. But this kind of relationship can only work if both people are mature enough to handle things. They also need to have a certain emotional stability as well. However, most people would not be able to have this kind of relationship. Unchecked emotions would end up destroying things before long.

I myself have been in an open relationship and handled it just fine. He did internet porn for extra money. But I also knew about this before I got into the relationship. It never bothered me though. I have never been the jealous type and won't tolerate someone who is either. But we had a rule, we told each other everything. No secrets. Talking about things openly really helped keep things grounded.

The relationship worked but we ended it after about a year. But it wasn't the sex that got in the way. We both ultimately wanted different things. I want kids and that is a deal breaker for me.

See it isn't all about the sex though and I'd consider that just a rung below pole dancer on the occupation list. The real question is, did he have other "connections" with these people or was it purely physical.

 

[AstroSmurf]

To answer the original question: Yes. An open relationship can work. But this kind of relationship can only work if both people are mature enough to handle things. They also need to have a certain emotional stability as well. However, most people would not be able to have this kind of relationship. Unchecked emotions would end up destroying things before long.

I myself have been in an open relationship and handled it just fine. He did internet porn for extra money. But I also knew about this before I got into the relationship. It never bothered me though. I have never been the jealous type and won't tolerate someone who is either. But we had a rule, we told each other everything. No secrets. Talking about things openly really helped keep things grounded.

The relationship worked but we ended it after about a year. But it wasn't the sex that got in the way. We both ultimately wanted different things. I want kids and that is a deal breaker for me.

See it isn't all about the sex though and I'd consider that just a rung below pole dancer on the occupation list. The real question is, did he have other "connections" with these people or was it purely physical.

It was purely physical. He did have one or two he had a crush on but nothing more than that. I even slept around a little myself. Again, that was purely physical. But we came home to each other at the end of the day. We were close and loved doing stuff together. We were crazy in the kitchen, enjoyed dancing and going to the movies. We also loved camping, biking and hiking together. And I also got him addicted to Trek. Other than the family thing and his nasty smoking habit, we were very well matched. I loved him. He loved me. We still talk from time to time.

 

[Kestra]

The fact it isn't easy - to me - proves it can't work. My own prejudice against it makes it hard for me to understand how it mechanical works on any level. As I'd see one person set back as the maid unless everything was truly equal, and if you have to "make" it work, it doesn't.

I don't have to "make" my marriage work, it just does. I don't have to worry about paying attention to or doing things for someone else other than my wife and If I did, I wouldn't have to worry about my wife either. Its simple.

Sharing strikes me as somehow cowardice and I can't explain why.

On a more general note, many couples find themselves having to "make it work," at least at times. Relationships that take more work than others are not necessarily fake, invalid, or unrewarding. They are different, though, and everyone has their own idea of what is okay in a relationship and what isn't. The important thing is that your idea matches with your partner's.

I'd also suspect that the phrase "making it work" doesn't have entirely negative connotations to some people. Some people may speak of that in terms of the commitment they have made to the relationship and do not see their compromises as negative or unhealthy things.