This thread is hilarious.
Grits here in Georgia is a staple food that is on most restaurant breakfast menus, and in most cupboards, in one form or another.
Grits are great, but you do have to dress them up a bit for them to be good (plain grits are very bland), and what you dress them up with is up to you. I like them best with butter melted into them and some additional salt...but other people like them with cheese melted into them, for example...or even bacon bits mixed in. I have even seen people mix maple syrup into their grits.
As for cooking them, well, there should be some directions on the bag. Because like oatmeal, there are now different types - 'slow cook' grits, 1 minute grits, instant grits, etc. Just like you see with oatmeal. And all of those require different amounts of water mixed in for the initial cooking, and of course different cooking times.
But the cooking itself should really only require the grits, water, and salt. Everything else is added later, for the most part.