TOS Caption Contest #182: Sulu-te Your Shorts

[Rat Boy]

Never mind the wardrobe, because it's time for another caption contest. First, let's sit and have a drink with...

For proving that space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence (deadly silence), our winner is...

Scotty feels somewhat better, but Bones, well aware of the lethal vacuum of space, desperately wants to crack a window.

For walking right into it, our winner is...

Scotty: "I"m on a twenty-four hour pass woman and I'm looking to kill some time.

Stripper: "What a coincident, my name is Thyme."

Scotty: "Hee hee hee."

For boldly going where anyone on a European drinking tour has likely been before, our winner is...

Scotty: Right, ye three are going ta be beaming down with me to the coldest most hostile environment you've ever seen, with huge aggressive red haired creatures that'll make a Mugatu look like a wee tribble in comparison.

Security: Wheres that Sir?

Scotty: Scotland

There were Photoshops a plenty this week, so let's give out our first award to a tag-team effort...

Scotty: "How much for the hat, lass? It's just the bonnie finishing touch me dress uniform needs."

Scotty: "So what de ye think, laddies? Does the hat make this outfit or what?"

Guard: "Its missing something."

Scotty: "Better?"

Kara: F'ing Earthers. Give 'em an inch and they take a mile."

[With thanks to jep for the final photoshop.]

And next we have the latest entry into the Caption Contest Character Pantheon, Late Night Scotty...

Conan: "I'm telling you, the only way to handle it is to go up to Kirk like this, pop him in the mouth, and tell him your poor bairns can't handle any more.



.

And my favorite riff on the subject...

Scotty: "Admit it, you banged number one, didn't ya?"



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Congratulations to the winners. This week, it's all (mostly) about Sulu. First up, it's the ubiquitous Sulu head-turn. Next, Mirror Sulu's got a little problem with peripheral vision. Third, we have the picture that Shatmandu once used as the perfect definition of "too much information." And since it's the 4th of July weekend here in the States, what better way to celebrate than to bring back...Cloud William and Cloud Festus? Enjoy:

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock (off camera): "It's as we feared, Captain. The Borg have assimilated the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."

Sulu: "I recommend we surrender. Immediately."

Takei: "And so you die, Captain, and we all move up in rank."

Melllvar: "No, no, no! That was Chekov's line!"

Takei: "Would Leela and the rest of those clowns hurry up and rescue us already?"

Uhura: "Is that your fencing foil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Sulu: "Nope, it's the foil."

Kirk (off camera): "Wait a minute, your Holiest of Holies is a phone book!"

Cloud Festus: "Kill him!"

 

[TeaKirk]

Cube:This one time, I ate boiled peanuts. I mean like, a whole lot of them, right? And I like to got sick, you know what I mean?

Sulu-Holy Crap not another wisdom cube!

 

[Tribble]

Spock (off camera): "It's as we feared, Captain. The Borg have assimilated the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."

Sulu: "I recommend we surrender. Immediately."

Blender version 45.39--still comes with the default cube scene.


(Well, I don't know how many of you know Blender...)

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock (off camera): "It's as we feared, Captain. The Borg have assimilated the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."

Sulu: "I recommend we surrender. Immediately."

Kirk: "Explain."

Sulu: "Their gayness is increasing geometrically. It's like taking a penny and doubling it every day. Inside of a month, you'll be a millionaire."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SULU: (maniacal laugh) You think lensflare is going to stop us, Mr Abrams? The OCD Fanboys say hello!!! (maniacal laugh)

 

[Rat Boy]

Uhura: "But...I thought..."

Sulu: "I never said I was only in to men."

 

[Tribble]

Rubick's Cube 3D--The Solitaire of the 23 century.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Blasts from the past:

SULU: If he's out there, then who's....

SULU: Claims he was your boyhood hero, Captain.

Next on the Korielly Factor...

SULU: I told you I was wearing red today!

 

[Rat Boy]

Since Nerys Myk beat me to it, I might as well throw some of mine in. Sadly, the Sulu screen ones got eaten long ago. Buckle up, folks, we're in for a bumpy ride:

Cloud William: "...and the Fourth Amendment says that chiefs shall have their pick of best women of the land. So it is written and so it shall be obeyed."

Old Guy: "God bless America."

Jenson: "It is said that good shall defeat evil..."

Shatner: "Wait, wait; isn't this like the seventh episode where people from another planet pit us against each other in a contest of good versus evil?"

Nimoy: "Just stick to the script, Bill."

Shatner: "You stay out of this, you prima donna!"

Nimoy: "Hack!"

Jenson: "Well, it sure wasn't like this on the set of Bonanza."

Cloud Honky-Tonk: "Sorry; no Megan Fox on list."

Carl Spock: "I think we can make an exception, you dig?"

Cloud Honky-Tonk: "I... do not fully understand, one named Carl... but the Funky Words will be obeyed; I swear it!"'

Cloud Honky-Tonk: "It is said that groovy shall defeat funky."

Carl Spock: "Amen, soul brother."

Riker: "Helm, set course for Rigel VII, warp factor six."

Cloud William: "I do not fully understand, one named Number One, but the course change will be obeyed. I swear it."

Riker: "Cut the theatrics and engage already!"

Cloud William: "Me not like being told how to drive."

Spock: "What the hell are you two doing?"

Cloud William: "Reading owners manual for great sky canoe."

Spock: "The owner's manual? You guys are smarter than you look."

A personal favorite of mine by Shatmandu:

Cloud William: "Book of Holies no say why Proximity Phasers look like Photon torpedoes."
Cloud Festus: "Someone should be fired for that ..."
Spock: "Who gives a fuck?!"

Sulu: "What's my tatoo say?"

Uhura: "Dude! What's mine say?"

Sulu: "Sweet! What's mine say?"

Uhura: "Dude! What's mine say?"

And of course, the one that no one will ever forget from Shatmandu:

Sulu: "This time, I promise not to just squeeze your buttcheeks and beat off."



***Based on a True story.***

Two of my co-workers dated for a year, and she dumped him because, among other reasons, he would never have sex with her, he would just squeeze her buttcheeks and beat off.

Now, he and I can be talking about very serious issues, budgets or pricing or pay scales, and I have to think about running over my own dog to keep from giggling.

Joe, leadfoot

I miss that perverted son of a gun.

 

[Captain Crow]

Kirk: Sulu do something!

Sulu: I afraid I can't Sir. I don't know what to do in situations involving boxes.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Stupid Einstein!

 

[Rat Boy]

Cloud William: "It is said that whoever captions old pictures by Nerys Myk and Rat Boy the best shall win something."

Cloud Festus: "So it is said, so it is written, so shall it be captioned...hopefully."

 

[Gorn Captain]

Enjoy this image taken directly from the upcoming DVD release of J.J. Abrams's Star Trek: The Original Series - Special Lens Flare Edition


Dammit, I didn't see the earlier Lens Flare comment.

 

[jep]

Sulu: "Aw shit..."

Stooge: #1: "What is it?"

Sulu: "We're all wearing red shirts..."

Both stooges: "Awww shit."


.

 

[jep]

Sulu: "Nice try Captain Sweet Cheeks, but this isn't the kind of 'blue movie' I have in mind for you. Your agonizer, please."


.

 

[jep]

Cloud William: "This is an impressive medical history, one named Lohan. But what is lymphogranuloma venereum?"

Sidekick: "And what is a 'fire crotch'?"



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[Captain Crow]

Kirk, offscreen coughing and gagging: Buttfuck on a cracker! How many gallons of Hai Karate did you douse yourself with Sulu?

 

[jep]

Sulu: "Uh... captain... "



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[Tribble]

Cloud William: The first rule about Fight Club: Do not talk about Fight Club. (Turns the page.) The second rule about Fight Club: Do not talk about Fight club. (Turns the page.) The third rule about Fight Club: Do not talk about Fight club...

Kirk: How many pages does this effing book have?

Cloud William: ... and then Captain Kirk pointed his phaser towards the Klingon captain and said...

Kirk: Damn those fan boys and their fanfiction.