Open Message to Office People

[John Picard]

Feel free to add to this.


Dear Office Co-Worker(s),


Although we see each other on a regular basis and must share space(s), I would like to point out the following behavior of yours that is irritating and should be grounds for your destruction:
1) Stop walking past my cube, tap on it, and continuing to walk off. It's annoying and I don't have eyes in the back of my head to observe your walking past. You tend to do it when I'm concentrating on something and break my train of though.
2) Stop holding impromptu meetings with another person in front of restroom doorways. It's very aggravating and tacking. This counts double of both of you are of the opposite gender of said facility.
3) Learn what an indoor voice is and use it. I'm fed up with hearing the antics of your bratty kids with the sitter, who's going to the doctor, and why you need bail money *yet again* for that worthless child of yours who is in his mid-20s.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

What possess you to share super personal information with the entire office, anyway? Do you feel there is some sort of unspoken sorority connection that every women is a part of that makes it okay to share this information? Do you think that because we both share a female anatomy it is okay to share the intimate details of your life with each other?

Hello? I didn’t join a sorority in college. I refuse to be in one now. Why are you dragging me into your drama? If I grunt a response to you, it’s probably because I don’t care what you’re saying. Filter it.

What’s worse is getting on your cell phone and conducting your personal business where everyone can hear you. So, not only do we get to hear the episode while it is going on, we get to hear all about it from you when you hang up the phone.

No one wants to hear your business, okay? This isn’t Jerry Springer. We aren’t all sitting in the audience yelling “JER-RY, JER-RY” at the top of our voices while you gripe out your 19 year old son because he won’t get a job. No one is going to jump up from their cubical as you’re talking on your cell phone with your ex and say, “Oh no he didn’t!” when you tell him he is out of line telling you how to raise your children.

This is an office. This is not your home. If you want to go off and deal with your personal drama trauma, by all means please do so. But, go do it out of ear shot of the rest of us. Please don’t come back in and tell me all about, or anyone else for that matter. None one cares.

This is an office. You stick with polite conversation. You talk about the weather. You talk about what’s on television. You talk about *gasp* work related things. You don’t talk about your baby’s daddy, okay?

Look, I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with your coworkers. Some of my best friends were once coworkers of mine. What I am saying is there is a time and a place. Learn it.

 

[Garak]

I swear to God, if one more person at my office starts talking to me while I'm taking a dump, I'm coming back with a shotgun.

 

[the 4th hanson bro]

I swear to God, if one more person at my office starts talking to me while I'm taking a dump, I'm coming back with a shotgun.

But is your neighbor's cubicle really the best location for that?

 

[Garak]

I swear to God, if one more person at my office starts talking to me while I'm taking a dump, I'm coming back with a shotgun.

But is your neighbor's cubicle really the best location for that?

It's still my private time!

 

[Robert Maxwell]

It's completely unprofessional to slam shit around in your office just because you're pissed. We all have to deal with pressure and chaos, and we don't toss books and papers all over the place to vent our frustration.

If you're going to share a joke with your neighbor, it would be kind of you to keep your laughter to a dull roar. I should not be able to hear five of you laughing your asses off from the other end of the building.

Stop holding meetings right outside my office. Not only are you blocking my exit, you're also blocking a corridor and the main path used to get to a very heavily-used printer. Have some consideration, assholes.

If you're going to gossip about coworkers, do it outside the office. You might think your hushed voices are quiet enough I can't tell who you're talking about, but you're wrong.

I don't care if you don't like writing specs or communicating with the rest of the group. This is allegedly a team and we need to act like one. If one of us gets hit by a bus tomorrow, we need to be able to not miss a beat. Yeah, it makes you expendable. In the end, you are anyway. Deal with it.

 

[Vulcan Princess]

The lobby is not a conference room. If you stand around and chit-chat, it looks unprofessional when guests come to visit. The only person who should be in the lobby for more than about 5 minutes is the receptionist.

I'm aware that I have a privacy filter on my computer screen. I work in human resources and have to view extremely confidential data on a regular basis, like your social security number. Trust me, you don't want that visible to the whole office. Please don't make jokes about how you would look at porn all day if you had one of those filters. Those jokes are offensive and have no place in an office. Plus, if you joke often enough, I might go have a chat with the IT department to inquire about your web surfing habits. Yes, we record that stuff.

 

[The Borgified Corpse]

No one is going to jump up from their cubical as you’re talking on your cell phone with your ex and say, “Oh no he didn’t!”

Well, not usually anyway...

Hmmmm. Maybe that's why I'm unemployed right now?

 

[John Picard]

While I am on the subject, could you *please* not conduct one-on-one meetings in the aisles? All those times I encounter the two of you and grumble, "'scuse me" while executing The Riker Manuver** and appear rude is that I'm actually trying to be rude to you people. Is it that damned difficult for the two of you two hug the wall and keep the pathway clear?

I'm also fed up with you, the sorry SOB who leaves a dribble in the coffee pot and doesn't bother to start another. The burnt remnants at the bottom of the pot are not pleasing to either my pallete, nor anyone else's, so why not fire up another pot. Believe it or not, there is no Coffee Fairy who comes in when no one is looking and brews it. This is a community area, so why not have some consideration for others who work here? It won't kill you.

While we're on the subject of leaving things empty, I, as well as the rest of the people here, would appreciate it if you would stop printing out to what amounts to a ream of paper and then not remove said ream from the printer. If you have a job that automatically prints, then either disable it, set yourself a reminder to go to the printer, or else have the job configured to generate an Adobe PDF. This is the 21st Century and there's very little need for printed reports. It's also aggrevating when that same report you generate prints one or two lines every other page. It's no wonder office expenses are going through the roof. I've implemented a personal policy whereupon I toss your report on the table next to the printer, and if it's still there the next day, I then chuck it in the recycling bin. Wasteful? Probably, but you deserve the aggrevation you're generating upon the rest of us.






** The Riker Manuver is named after Cmdr Will Riker, of Star Trek: TNG, for what looks like his attempt to drive his head through a wall or doorway whenever he walks.

 

[The Borgified Corpse]

** The Riker Manuver is named after Cmdr Will Riker, of Star Trek: TNG, for what looks like his attempt to drive his head through a wall or doorway whenever he walks.

I'd figure the Riker Maneuver would involve farting nearby, thus emitting noxious, flamable gasses similar to those found around the Briar Patch.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

If you're going to use the last of the toilet paper in the bathroom stall, for fuck's sake, put another one on the spool. The spare rolls are sitting on the back of the toilet for a reason, and it's not to be decorative. You wouldn't pull that shit at home, so why do you think it should fly here?

When you're on the phone, you can still use your "inside voice." It's not necessary to amp your volume by 10 decibels when you're speaking into a mic less than an inch from your mouth. Seriously. And it's really annoying when you're walking a customer through something that takes an hour or two to do, and I have to listen to you give them the step-by-step because you don't know how to turn down the volume.

When you're walking through the building, please watch where you're going. We have a lot of blind corners, and I'm sick of you almost slamming into me because you're reading something as you turn the corner. PAY ATTENTION, ASSHOLE! Thank you.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Another thing...

Me informing you of a situation is not an open door for you to stand in my cubical to chat. I told you because I wanted to bypass having the explain it later when it was less convenient for all of us.

However, that doesn't mean I want, or even like, your company. I am telling you for the sake of efficiency in the office. When I turn back around, that's HR for get out.

How can you not know this? Why are you still standing there?

Get out. Get out. Get out.

I have work to do.