I really should just stop promising when reviews will be up.
So, all you Bones-watchers out there (and you must surely number in your hundreds) will have noticed that I've not posted much in this forum recently, aside from a little bit about Victory of the Daleks and the redesigned Daleks. This is largely down to my intense irritation at the accusation that my objecting to gratuitous sexual references in Doctor Who means I must be an ultra-conservative virgin prude, followed by the usual suspects laughing along at it. A bit offensive really, when this extrapolation's taken only from my views on a TV show rather than from actually knowing me (and thus maybe having a clue), and when that's the level of debate, it's easy to get a bit jaded and wonder what the point is of trying to discuss things. Of course, if it they were genuinely funny and not just knowing attempts by writers who think they're clever to slip one past the kids, then I probably wouldn't object as much. But that's one for another topic, and I'll need to mix a stiff old drink before I get back into that again.
Anyway, ever the optimist that I am, rather than giving up and departing for The Leisure Hive to argue the merits of the Cartmel Masterplan and call Russell T Davies "fathead", I thought I'd instead go back to what I (arguably) do best and carry on with these reviews. All the more appropriate that the next one should be the previous Gatiss-penned episode (what with Victory of the Daleks having just aired, in case future generations are reading this and wondering what I meant).
The Idiot's Lantern (**½)
Those of you who follow these reviews will know I rate The Unquiet Dead as the best new Who episode up to this point. Leaving aside the currently fresh in my mind Victory of the Daleks (and at my current rate, it'll be around late 2012 before you'll see that review), this means another Gatiss episode is surely one to look forward to. Isn't it?
Right, here we go then. So, a man's writing, and...oh sod, not Maureen Lipman. I can't stand the woman. And I know she's old, but was she really on TV back then? This writing man is £200 overdrawn apparently. And because we know very quickly that this is the 1950s (it looks all 50s, y'see), that's a lot of money. I'm not definite how much, but any medium-high sum like that today was Worth a Lot of Money Back Then.
Following that, we see a family's sitting around listening to the radio, and because it's quickly established that they don't have a television yet, they're instead watching the sewing machine. The old woman one (I'll call her "Nan") gives a description of television's effects on people that's crazy, because old people don't understand technology. Then, back to Mr Writingman, and Maureen Lipman's come back on the tellybox and is sucking his poor face off. By which I mean through some CGI lightning type things, not by kissing him. He's not that unfortunate.
Post-titles, and Rose and the Doctor are getting out of the Tardis and doing their usual obnoxious clowning around routine that's so far helping to make this series worse than the previous. The Doctor rides out of the Tardis on a 50s looking motorbike, and it's briefly established that he intended to land in New York in 1956 so they could see Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show. But by a stunning bit of luck, though he got it wrong (yawn), rather than landing in the middle of the ocean in 1955, they've materialised in London 1953 on the eve of the coronation.
Meanwhile, the family from the start have got their new TV. The atmosphere is, however, somewhat soured by the fact that someone banging upstairs (presumably Nan) is hungry and has something wrong with their face. Scary.
The Doctor and Rose stop in a street to see a man (Mr Writingman from the beginning, or rather Mr Magpie as he's really called) unloading a television out of a van, and Rose notices everyone has a TV aerial. She recognises this as dubious because she says Jackie told her televisions were rare at the time of the coronation, and people crowded into other people's houses to watch it. So was Jackie there then? Because she might be past her best, but to be old enough to remember that first-hand would place her in her late 50s. The alternative is that Rose learnt pretty much everything she knows from Jackie, explaining why she's such a bloody idiot.
Still, moving on, and we see someone getting removed from their house with their head covered and bundled into a black car. Sinister. The car drives off, young boy out of that family comes out to helpfully mention to them that people have been turning into monsters (though I wouldn't be surprised if the episode wanted us to think he means his dad), and so the Doctor and Rose give chase on their motorbike. Then they lose the car because of Operation Market Stall.
Mr Magpie next, and we see he's being talked to sinisterly by Maureen Lipman through the television. Bloody woman. Change the scene, quick.
The young boy out of that family (y'know, that one) goes up to nan's (err, oh, "gran's") room and says he'll come in. But the dad one catches him and gets a bit angry.
Then the Doctor and Rose ring at the door of that family that keeps cropping up (I've not noticed their names mentioned yet), psychic paper their way in as people of authority, and criticise the dad one for suggesting housework is for women. But this is the 1950s, so I think this reflects more badly on Mary and Sue for just blundering into someone's house and trying to impose the values of a future time on them. So the dad one puts the flags up and Rose gives an, as I understand it, incorrect version of what the term "Union Jack" means (surprise surprise, another one she got from Jackie). Then the dad realises this isn't really on in his own house, and him and the Doctor have a bit of a shout.
Eventually, they end up going upstairs (as people often do after arguments) to have a look at Gran and for a reasonable shock moment (more effective than the Cybusmen ones anyway, and the plinky piano chords are a nice touch) where we see her face is gone. The Doctor has a look with his screwdriver, and determines that she's in complete neural shock and there's scarcely an impulse left. Though she clearly had the presence of mind to bang the floor earlier.
Soon after though, some heavies break into the house to take Gran away, and while the Doctor tries to talk to them, they knock him out. Now, I'm no Tenth Doctor hater (with the benefit of hindsight of his entire era), but up to this point of his tenure he really hadn't been much more than frantic and irritating, so seeing him get knocked out like that afforded a certain level of enjoyment for me. He recovers very quickly though, but not quite quickly enough to stop them escaping. He chases after them on his handy bike, but Rose stays behind after noticing the TV being a bit buzzy. She has a quick look, but clearly isn't welcome any more, so is told to leave. Though she still calls Mr Connelly (the dad one) an idiot in the most irritating way before leaving. The hypocrite. Frankly, I'd happily see her get clocked around the face at this point too.
The Doctor's chase leads him to the same dead end as earlier, but after looking around the area some more, he finds a dark cage of locked up faceless people. Creepy. Creepier still, they start crowding around him. Then the men who drove the car shine the headlights at him.
Rose, meanwhile, having found Mr Magpie (from the company logo on the back of the TV, which I guess must have included an address), bothers him. There's a bit that made me smile when Maureen Lipman comes on one of the TVs saying "hungry!" and he tries to dismiss it as "one of these modern programmes". Rose won't take the hint and leave, so instead gets her face sucked off by the Wire (as Lipman's actually called).
The Doctor's being questioned now, and it turns out the two men are police. They don't have a clue what's going on, because if they did it would be less of a Doctor Who episode I guess. Can't have other people being too competent, because the Doctor's the hero. While they discuss it, faceless Rose is brought in having been found on the street. Because the Doctor fancies her, he gets really serious about it now. It's also at this point that we know that everyone will get their face back, whether it makes sense or not.
Next scene and it's daytime, so people are crowding around the Connellys' TV to watch the coronation. But hang on, I thought the thing about this street was that everyone had a TV, and probably so do most of the area. Because they were so cheap from Magpie. So the Wire could eat all the faces when the coronation was on. Still, the "Eddie, you wanna beat that out of him" bit of the dialogue was funny.
Next up, the Doctor and Inspector Whatsisname come to the door, and we discover that Eddie (dad) ratted on Gran's facelessness so she'd be taken away. I'll tell you what, this episode may seem to be stacked so that we hate Eddie, but he's the most sympathetic character in it for me. Clearly locking up faceless gran and getting her taken away was the wrong thing to do, but at the same time what else could he have done? And we're perhaps meant to go "dear me, what a chauvinist" because he thinks housework was only for his wife to do, but that's how things were. He's a man who fought in the war, has traditional views, and when strange things started happening with grandma's face, he had no idea what to do other than to try and keep it secret. The upshot is Rita (the mum one) shuts Eddie out, and Tommy goes off with the Doctor and the Inspector to be useful in the climax.
So, the Doctor realises all these televisions being sold on the cheap could be part of the mystery and goes to Mr Magpie's. He's not there, so he looks around and finds a retro-looking portable television. Which, of course, is an anachronism. The Doctor has a right old look at it with his third eye (hang on now, I mean the wretched screwdriver) and detects some energy. Then, all the stolen faces appear on the TVs, Mr Magpie comes in, and the Wire appears and talks a bit, helpfully giving away its background and plan. It's a standard sci-fi plot really. A bit pedestrian even. It was exiled by its own people and needs the faces and minds to get corporeal form, or some nonsense. Yakkety yak-yawn.
The Wire then starts to suck off the Doctor's, Tommy's, and Inspector Thingy's faces, but notices the Doctor has a sonic screwdriver and stops. Which is a bit odd to me, because he doesn't do anything with it. She just sees he's "armed" and stops. Maybe the robot Santa pilot fish from the future had a word. And for some reason, though the Doctor and Tommy's faces are alright, the Inspector's already been had. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, because as the Wire recognised the Doctor as special and clever, you'd think she'd have put more effort into taking his face and mind first.
So the Wire switches to the retro-looking portable (existing only so we can have this unexciting climax), and the Doctor and Tommy wake up, get some bits of technology together, and chase Magpie and the portable TV to Alexandra Palace, where the Wire plans to take loads of faces. Then it starts to, as the Doctor climbs up the transmitter. And we see a single TV is capable of sucking multiple faces. So why bother with the cheap TV distribution bit? People were going to crowd into living rooms to watch the coronation anyway. Also, the Doctor and Tommy seemingly managed to get all the bits and pieces together and got to Alexandra Palace on foot in not much longer than it took Magpie to get there in his van. Maybe having Maureen Lipman in your lap screaming "feeeeed meeee!" can slow you down, and...oh my, I'm going to be sick.
Anyway, the solution isn't especially clear (Tommy fiddles some devices, err...turned the receiver back into a transmitter?), but whatever it is, absolutely everyone ends up with their face back (for all the sense that makes; should everyone who lost their face and mind really just get them back automatically?), and the Wire's stuck in a Betamax tape. Of course, we know it'll ultimately win when dull people 45 years later start insisting The Wire's the best TV show ever. But then, when this is the competition...
So, a happy ending then. Well, except poor Eddie's chucked out because the house was in gran's (his wife's mother's) name (again, helpfully, because he's the nasty hate figure of the episode, and it wouldn't do for the house to have been his). I get the feeling somehow that we're not meant to sympathise with him.
Yeah, as I say, pedestrian. It had a few bits that work though: the faceless people is briefly interesting, and it evokes the 50s perfectly. But then, that's what new Who does well. Even where the stories are rubbish, it still gets marks for the quality of the production, and this is yet another one of those times. 2.5 stars, like so many others, but very much at the low end of 2.5. And anyway, you'll recall I don't recommend watching anything lower than a 3. Watch The Unquiet Dead again instead, and we can hope the next Gatiss story will be up to scratch.
That zany screwdriver:
1. Blows up a spinning Christmas tree. Ho ho ho.
2. Scares off some Robot Santas. It's got itself a reputation now then.
3. Opens a great big secret door. Opens doors, closes plot holes.
4. Is used to threaten Cassandra's consciousness in Rose's body. A densely layered stupid thing is still a stupid thing.
5. Only the Doctor knows how to hold down the on button. Then it opens a smaller, unsecret door.
6. Makes a convenient ring thingy fall down.
7. It locks an old door. An old, Scottish door. Didn't have enough time to put porridge in the lock.
8. Fixes K9. But I won't begrudge it that.
9. Lights a candle. Sadly not a scented one to cover up the smell of bullshit.
10. Helps ascertain the continuing time portally nature of a fireplace.
11. Disables some parallel world earpods. Perhaps they're not as breakable as they look.
12. Jedi mind tricks a Cybusman. These aren't the Cybermen I was looking for.
13. Determines the location of a specific piece of technology (a transmitter), having been pointed in the direction of a factory and airship with lots of technology. I mean, bloody hell.
14. Seals a hatch. Sonic welder?
15. Gets the Cybus logo off a Cyberman. Wish it would do it to all of them.
16. Does some handy euthanasia. Sonic Dignitas?
17. Cuts a rope. In as much time as a cub scout and a knife would take, meaning it's only as magic as the plot needs it to be at a given moment.
18. Does a brain scan. Shame the writer didn't scan his brain for, err, better ideas.
19. Acts as a torch. Not that silly really, but it goes on the list all the same.
20. Detects some energy coming out of the anachronistic television. This show all over.
Regarding Tooth and Claw, it was the best RTD up to that point and nearly got 3, but wasn't quite there. The resolution doesn't hold up, nothing that was meant to be funny was funny, and neither the Doctor nor Rose are likeable. The idea of the house being designed with capturing the monster in mind is a good one, and I'd have used that far more, rather than there being one convenient room with mistletoe in the walls to hide in.
