TOS Caption Contest #167: Girls, Girls, Girls

[Rat Boy]

Enough with the dancing, because it's time for another caption contest. First, let's stroke our revolvers suggestively in honor of...

For just rambling on, our winner is...

Spock: "...so after graduating from the Academy - at the top of my class, of course - I was assigned to the U.S.S. Hermes where I won several commendations for my brilliant enhancements to the vessel's computer systems. Shortly thereafter I was promoted to lieutenant commander and... you know, you might want to write some of this down."

For missing all the signs, our winner is...

BARROWS: "So let me get this straight, Mr. Sulu... we're on a planet where anything you fantasize about becomes an instant reality... And you're thinking about stroking a long, black shaft. ...How did we not realize that you were gay again?"

And for following the signs to a classic, our winner is...

Kirk: How do we get there, Vanderburg?

Vanderburg: Simple. [pulls out map] You take the I-95 to the M-1, then M-7 to the Little Dipper off ramp, then you get off, then you get back on until you come to the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off you Slauson, get back in your car, then drive six miles until you see the giant fire-breathing Conway Twitty Statue.

There were a lot of Photoshops to choose from and I can't just pick one, so I'll pick one from each of the two pictures that were...improved. Our first winner is...

Spock: "I have been informed that you do not care for the new uniforms issued to Away Team Security."


.

And our second...

Vanderberg: Well Dr. McCoy, we lost contact with the Proteus and can't seem to find them now.​

Finally, a special award for retro captioning...

The third season of Star Trek has been widely criticized. A little known fact is that actually the producers showed some restraint when they scuttled the episode, "And McCoy and Vanderberg Shall Lead."

Congrats, folks. This week, we get back on track (kind of). In our first picture, McCoy starts to wonder when Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen will drop in on them. Second, Spock regrets telling Kirk and Odona to get a room since they decided to pick his. Finally, since the classic pictures seemed to go over well with captioners old and new, I decided that I'll try to sneak one into future contests and this week it's a doozy. Not as famous as say Carl Spock or Running Spock but he still got a lot of Photoshops back in March of '08, it's the return of...Pointing Spock!

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Yeah, yeah, sad story. Now how old did you say the women were before they turned into zombies?"

Spock: "I wish I could unsee this."

Spock: "Yeah, good luck with that."

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: No. No. The blonde and I aren't a couple. We just occasionally have cheap, meaningless, and unfulfilling sex.
Rand: *sob*

Spock: Again, sir? Where shall I have Scotty dump the body this time?

Spock: On my planet, two fingers are foreplay.

 

[jep]

Kirk (Off screen): "Wait Spock... that's not where the two fingers go."


.

 

[Rat Boy]

Miri: "And then he called me a fatty."

Kirk: "Then I shall go kill him."

McCoy: "Jim?! That's crazy!"

Kirk: "Fine, we'll only shoot him a couple of times with the phasers on stun."

McCoy: "No wonder Carol ran off with David."

Kirk: "Says the guy who's wife ran off with his daughter."

Spock (singing): "Lo lo lo lo lo lo lo!"

Kirk: "Not again!"

Odona: "Hold me!"

Uhura (off screen): "You cheatin' son of a bitch!"

Spock: "Sorry, but I'm not a one-woman Vulcan."

Sulu: "Or a one-man Vulcan."

Spock: "Shhhhhhhh!"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: While you are lovely specimen of female attributes, my dear, Lieutenant Uhura would no doubt turn my bifurcated penis into a uni-furcated penis.

 

[Admiral Shran]

Spock: Jim, this young lady is going to need some serious comforting very soon.

 

[jep]

Spock: "Captain, I need to speak to you about... oh my."

Kirk: "Geez... doesn't anyone know how to knock anymore?"


.

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "I'm just trying to teach him how to waltz!"

Spock: "Yeah, sure."

 

[jep]

Spock: "Sir, once again I must protest, as I am not... "

Kirk: "Mind your own business Mr. Spock, I'm tired of your half-breed interference!"


.

 

[jep]

Spock: "No offense to the young lady, but I believe I'll go for a swim in the lake with Ensign Shaw.

Kirk (Off screen): "Uh... yeah, Spock... about that... "


.

 

[Rat Boy]

Nimoy: "I now pronounce you husband and husband."

Shatner (thinking): The things I'll do to avoid getting deported.

Takei (thinking): The things I'll do to get more lines in an episode.

 

[Captain Crow]

DeForest Kelley: What the fuck is my line?

Director (off screen): CUT!

Spock: Hey Jim, come over here and feel Sulu's Female impersonator boyfriend's face. You can't even feel the stubble.

Spock: Captain, please don't play with your "Blow up Wanda Doll" in front of the Klingons.

Spock: As you can see Jim, even with baby urp on my shoulder I can still pull in the bitches!

 

[Rat Boy]

Nimoy: "There are so many flaws in this episode you can fly a plane through, first and foremost being that my contract says that I get the blondes."

 

[jep]

Kirk: "Why no, that isn't a phaser in my pocket.... but it IS a gun... a spectacular one."

Spock: "Sigh"


.

 

[Captain Crow]

Nimoy, to director: I told Bill not to sing to her but, would he listen to me? NNNOOOOOO!!!!

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Little help here Spock. Her zipper's stuck.

SPOCK: Kif like sigh.

 

[Rat Boy]

All right, some more old Photoshops done by yours truly:

Spock: "Show me 'sehlat!'"

Wedge: "That's impossible, even for a computer."

Spock: "I'll have you know I've been accused of being one, Mister."

Spock (singing): "Take on me, take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two"

Same rule: Captions for these are eligible for wins.

 

[Captain Crow]

Spock: We surveyed 100 people and asked them: What things would you want to do to or have done to you by Lieutenant Uhura. Mr. Scott, you said "golden shower".

Scotty: Aye.

Spock: Survey says!

[Buzzer goes off and a red "X" appears on the screen]

Scotty: BOGUS FRAT!!

 

[Nerys Myk]

My blasts from the past.

SPOCK: Must be a defect in the audio processer. Sounds like she smoked for 50 years

SPOCK: HA. Ha. Very funny McCoy!