Damn... not sure if I want this to happen.

[ed629]

ED629, never mind if she took one of your cars, what if she took one of your cars and killed someone because she was once again driving drunk?

Seriously, this girl needs an intervention and i think jail time might be good for her. PLEASE, do not let her move in with you. She isn't going to change because you are kind to her or give her a place to stay. She needs serious help.

As a side note, I started to tell her that today and I'm thinking she sensed it was coming and she started to have a sort of breakdown, so instead of telling her today (I know I should have instead of skirting it) I changed subjects. And as much as I know it will hurt and upset her, I have to consider my own well being and peace of mind, I don't want to have to constantly worry if she got stopped and arrested for another DUI (if her parents let her keep using the car she is currently driving) or if she got stopped on a traffic stop and the LEO discovers her license is suspended.

ed629, you would just be taking over the role of her parents. Her parents have been playing that role for years and they have come to understand that she is not going to change as long as they keep a roof over her head.

I'm disturbed that you would even contemplate her driving without a license, this is illegal and considering her previous convictions, if she get's pulled over even just for not signalling, she is in deep shit.

She is incredibly stubborn on that part... she insists on driving even with knowing what can happen. She says she will be extra careful, I was an LEO for a short period, she knows it. And I have, with her in the car with me pointed out several times, what I could of stopped someone for, not signaling, crossing the balk line at a light, crossing the gore to get into a turn lane, etc. And she has done those either when I was in her car with her (I know, I know... that's something else at this point) or when she was in her car and I was in mine and could see her driving. She does know that if she loses the car she has, I will not and can not put her on my insurance and will not allow her to drive one of mine.

If you provide her with a car, you are complicit, and if she had an accident, you would be screwed.

You are totally correct, and I don't want to lose my home, savings, etc because of anyone.

She cannot live with you without any source of income, period. It is one thing if she was working and supporting herself and contributing to your shared home, and then lost her job. We all help out our spouses when that happens. But this is someone who has never been independant, she just wants to become dependant on you.

That's true, she has lived with an ex or two in the past and while she was working at the time, she has said that she didn't do any of the bill paying, budgeting, etc. and that she has no idea how to even start doing any of that or even cook for herself. She has lived with her parents for the last 2 and half years, before that with an ex and before that with her sister, and all those times she was 'taken care' of.

Don't even think, like her parents, that "tough love" is going to straighten her out. If you say no, she will find someone else to "take care of her".

If you really don't know how to handle it, call her parents, explain what she's trying to do, you need to hear about things from them too, otherwise I think she will just manipulate the situation.

I'm saying she is evil, but she is not able to support herself so she will use you, there is just no other way for her. She isn't moving in with you because she loves you, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

She will whine that you made the offer. Here is the thing, it's not a binding contract, dear. People are allowed to change their minds. And what you say is, "But I've changed my mind." Say that and be done with it.

Her mom does like me a lot, both her and her mom have told me that I'm the first guy her mom has liked and felt that I would be good for her. I was even told that her stepdad who doesn't really care to have her in his home, he trusts and respects me for how I treat her, her mom and him. And I do plan on calling her mom about the whole thing, I want to ask her what is her reason for wanting her daughter out. I want to know from her both sides of the story, right now I'm hearing only one side of it, and I need to know both sides of it.

 

[Finn]

^don't be a wuss. Be a man, dude! I know it's hard but just do it.

 

[nevermore]

I don't want to have to constantly worry if she got stopped and arrested for another DUI (if her parents let her keep using the car she is currently driving) or if she got stopped on a traffic stop and the LEO discovers her license is suspended.

How is it that someone with three DUIs still has a license? Where do you live so that I never drive there?

 

[kimc]

Her mom does like me a lot, both her and her mom have told me that I'm the first guy her mom has liked and felt that I would be good for her. I was even told that her stepdad who doesn't really care to have her in his home, he trusts and respects me for how I treat her, her mom and him. And I do plan on calling her mom about the whole thing, I want to ask her what is her reason for wanting her daughter out. I want to know from her both sides of the story, right now I'm hearing only one side of it, and I need to know both sides of it.

Of course they like you. They think you can save their daughter. Unfortunately she's the only one who can do that but she may need to hit bottom before she wants to. Good luck.

 

[ed629]

I don't want to have to constantly worry if she got stopped and arrested for another DUI (if her parents let her keep using the car she is currently driving) or if she got stopped on a traffic stop and the LEO discovers her license is suspended.

How is it that someone with three DUIs still has a license? Where do you live so that I never drive there?

She doesn't, it is currently suspended because she didn't send in a form after her last one, but did after her second one. She was able to keep it until her trial date, then when she got the 3rd one she didn't send in the form and now it's suspended.

 

[nevermore]

I don't want to have to constantly worry if she got stopped and arrested for another DUI (if her parents let her keep using the car she is currently driving) or if she got stopped on a traffic stop and the LEO discovers her license is suspended.

How is it that someone with three DUIs still has a license? Where do you live so that I never drive there?

She doesn't, it is currently suspended because she didn't send in a form after her last one, but did after her second one. She was able to keep it until her trial date, then when she got the 3rd one she didn't send in the form and now it's suspended.

So, you just send in a form and it's all good?

Where I live your third DUI results in up to 4 years in jail, a minimum 18-month suspension of license and up to a $4000 fine. Which I think is too lenient. Shit, a SECOND DUI results in up to 3 years in jail, a ONE-YEAR suspension if within 5 years of the previous, or a 45-day suspension an ignition interlock device, and up to a $3000 fine. Even a first conviction carries a minimum 6-month suspension.

I also can't believe her parents let her use their car on a suspended license. That's almost as irresponsible as her choosing to drive at all. Also, driving on a suspended license will get the car impounded in most places. Not to mention that it's a criminal offence that can carry jail time.

 

[ed629]

How is it that someone with three DUIs still has a license? Where do you live so that I never drive there?

She doesn't, it is currently suspended because she didn't send in a form after her last one, but did after her second one. She was able to keep it until her trial date, then when she got the 3rd one she didn't send in the form and now it's suspended.

So, you just send in a form and it's all good?

Where I live your third DUI results in up to 4 years in jail, a minimum 18-month suspension of license and up to a $4000 fine. Which I think is too lenient. Shit, a SECOND DUI results in up to 3 years in jail, a ONE-YEAR suspension if within 5 years of the previous, or a 45-day suspension an ignition interlock device, and up to a $3000 fine. Even a first conviction carries a minimum 6-month suspension.

I also can't believe her parents let her use their car on a suspended license. That's almost as irresponsible as her choosing to drive at all. Also, driving on a suspended license will get the car impounded in most places. Not to mention that it's a criminal offence that can carry jail time.

Not really, if you get a DUI charge then within 10 business days you need to send in a form (forget the title/name). You are asking to keep your license until your trial date. She did it for her second one, but not her third one. She was stopped for her second one, and had a valid license at the time but it was an out of state one. She filled out the form, but since it was an out of state, probationary license it was suspended. She then got her 3rd one, along with a driving on a suspended license, the next day she went and got her license since she had applied for it, but the DUI stop hadn't shown up on the license records yet. So she was able to get her license then, only because a license number and ID card number are the same here. So she had her ID, got her license with the same number as her ID which she presented at the time of her 3rd DUI arrest. She did have a form which did state she had a license at her 2nd arrest and it did say it was a restricted/probationary license. But that caused her probationary one to be revoked.

So now she is driving on a suspended license, due to her 2nd one, she will have her license revoked for 3 years, and not eligible for a probationary one for 18 months, her 3rd one revokes her license for 5 year, and no probationary one for 2 years. And most likely, the will be set consecutively, license revoked for 8 years, and no probationary license for 3-1/2 years.

And it gets worse.... here driving on a probationary license outside of the restrictions is the same as driving on a suspended license, so that happened on her 2nd DUI. The 3rd DUI, she is charged with driving without a license and driving with a suspended license. So she has 3 suspended license charges now.

That means she has 5 license reinstatement fees, 2 from the DUI, 3 from the other charges, also she will need to attend 2 substance abuse courses, and at a minimum, 60 days of community service. Which can be interpreted by a judge to mean one day is 8 hours, or one day is 24 hours. And apparently her judge for her second one is a hardass, so she may get 30 - 24 hour days... 720 hours of community service, and the same for her 3rd one. She can be facing 1440 hours of service, or 140+ days of service. She is facing 7 days jail time for the 2nd one, and possibly 30 for the 3rd one. And she may end up having 24 months probation as well, unless they decide to have her do her probation at the same time, but even then she will be on probation for 15-16 months. With the suspended license thing, she is looking at around $1500 - $4500 in fines and 12 - 32 days jail time, plus another 12-36 months revocation. The DUI fines are around
$1600-5600... adding in the costs of the license reinstatment fees, surcharges, substance classes, etc... around $4000-$12000 depending on how hard she gets hit.

 

[JiNX-01]

^
Maybe I have a big heart...but then you should let her stay with you but have rules and some sort of deadline for her to get herself together or find another place to stay.

I was thinking of doing it that way, establishing some rules, nothing crazy or ridiculous... the worst would of been if she loses her car (it actually belongs to her parents, not her) that she cannot use or drive any of my cars and that she will need to stay in school and work on her problems.

But now, I'm leaning towards just telling her that it's not going to happen, that if she has managed to somehow alienate most of the people she knows or knew before I met her, and her parents want her out then I'd have to be stupid to let her come here and she needs to find something else. I guess the biggest thing is that I have 4 cars, all paid for. And we have had arguments in the past where she shouldn't of been driving and she did after her 3rd DUI. Here, if you have a 4th DUI the vehicle gets seized, the law doesn't say the vehicle belonging to the driver, but being operated by the driver.. so considering her stubbornness and nature to do what is contrary to what I am trying to tell her when she gets in that mood, I would be livid if she drove one of my cars and had it seized under a 4th DUI, and no I would NOT bail her out if it was in the car she has now, much less if it would occur in one of my cars. I'm not trying to brag on myself, but I have a feeling that she would feel or think, if she is in a mood where she insists on driving, and I'm not at home she just may decide to take one of the cars out... not only could I lose a car, but I could get sued if she gets in an accident or causes one, then not only could I lose the car, but I could lose my home, savings or anything else. And she is not worth that.

Good for you! Don't back down no matter what she says!

 

[nevermore]

She doesn't, it is currently suspended because she didn't send in a form after her last one, but did after her second one. She was able to keep it until her trial date, then when she got the 3rd one she didn't send in the form and now it's suspended.

So, you just send in a form and it's all good?

Where I live your third DUI results in up to 4 years in jail, a minimum 18-month suspension of license and up to a $4000 fine. Which I think is too lenient. Shit, a SECOND DUI results in up to 3 years in jail, a ONE-YEAR suspension if within 5 years of the previous, or a 45-day suspension an ignition interlock device, and up to a $3000 fine. Even a first conviction carries a minimum 6-month suspension.

I also can't believe her parents let her use their car on a suspended license. That's almost as irresponsible as her choosing to drive at all. Also, driving on a suspended license will get the car impounded in most places. Not to mention that it's a criminal offence that can carry jail time.

Not really, if you get a DUI charge then within 10 business days you need to send in a form (forget the title/name). You are asking to keep your license until your trial date. She did it for her second one, but not her third one. She was stopped for her second one, and had a valid license at the time but it was an out of state one. She filled out the form, but since it was an out of state, probationary license it was suspended. She then got her 3rd one, along with a driving on a suspended license, the next day she went and got her license since she had applied for it, but the DUI stop hadn't shown up on the license records yet. So she was able to get her license then, only because a license number and ID card number are the same here. So she had her ID, got her license with the same number as her ID which she presented at the time of her 3rd DUI arrest. She did have a form which did state she had a license at her 2nd arrest and it did say it was a restricted/probationary license. But that caused her probationary one to be revoked.

So now she is driving on a suspended license, due to her 2nd one, she will have her license revoked for 3 years, and not eligible for a probationary one for 18 months, her 3rd one revokes her license for 5 year, and no probationary one for 2 years. And most likely, the will be set consecutively, license revoked for 8 years, and no probationary license for 3-1/2 years.

And it gets worse.... here driving on a probationary license outside of the restrictions is the same as driving on a suspended license, so that happened on her 2nd DUI. The 3rd DUI, she is charged with driving without a license and driving with a suspended license. So she has 3 suspended license charges now.

That means she has 5 license reinstatement fees, 2 from the DUI, 3 from the other charges, also she will need to attend 2 substance abuse courses, and at a minimum, 60 days of community service. Which can be interpreted by a judge to mean one day is 8 hours, or one day is 24 hours. And apparently her judge for her second one is a hardass, so she may get 30 - 24 hour days... 720 hours of community service, and the same for her 3rd one. She can be facing 1440 hours of service, or 140+ days of service. She is facing 7 days jail time for the 2nd one, and possibly 30 for the 3rd one. And she may end up having 24 months probation as well, unless they decide to have her do her probation at the same time, but even then she will be on probation for 15-16 months. With the suspended license thing, she is looking at around $1500 - $4500 in fines and 12 - 32 days jail time, plus another 12-36 months revocation. The DUI fines are around
$1600-5600... adding in the costs of the license reinstatment fees, surcharges, substance classes, etc... around $4000-$12000 depending on how hard she gets hit.

OK, i misunderstood. I thought she had already been convicted and just had to send in a form to get her license back.

Anyway, that's a lot of shit to face while continuing to engage in the same behavior (if I understand correctly and she is still driving at all). It sounds like she hasn't yet had to actually serve any of her time or really face up to the consequences. Hopefully, having to finally do so will help her get her head right and stop engaging in such self-destructive behavior.

 

[ed629]

OK, i misunderstood. I thought she had already been convicted and just had to send in a form to get her license back.

Anyway, that's a lot of shit to face while continuing to engage in the same behavior (if I understand correctly and she is still driving at all). It sounds like she hasn't yet had to actually serve any of her time or really face up to the consequences. Hopefully, having to finally do so will help her get her head right and stop engaging in such self-destructive behavior.

Her license (privilege to drive) has already already been suspended because if the last DUI and failure to send in the form to keep her license until trial. And if the arresting officer initiated a suspension then she has lost her license for a year, and it is added onto the suspension(s) she will get for the DUI's themselves, again it can be done consecutively, so no license possibly for up to 4-1/2 years.

And yes, she still is driving, even after both myself and her mom have told her we can drive her to school and back, I would driver her in the morning since she is currently only 1 mile out of my way and her mom could when she gets out of class, or she can wait until I am out and then ride home again with me. What she fails to acknowledge is that if she is involved in an accident she may be charged with a felony while driving due to her current circumstances. Already more than once, she's come over shooken up and having a near break down because she thought she was going to get pulled over.

 

[ALF]

Breakdowns > Drunk Drivers killing people.

 

[tafkats]

ed629 -- this girl really sounds like bad news. Seriously, there are just so many things you've said in this thread that make me want to just go "RUN! Run while you still can!"

 

[ed629]

Well.... today she pushed enough buttons that I told her to fuck off.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Ed629, Sorry to say this, but i think that was probably the best thing you could have done. This girl is toxic. You are much better off without her.

 

[JiNX-01]

Well.... today she pushed enough buttons that I told her to fuck off.

Good. Stand your ground!

 

[Capn Flukie]

Wow, I don't think I could do that.

 

[JiNX-01]

Wow, I don't think I could do that.

I think you could in the interest of self-preservation.

As has been noted, the girlfriend is toxic and could have wrecked his life.

 

[Capn Flukie]

My recent gf is an alcoholic, she had been to rehab 3 times in the past 9 months. She left last July without warning, other than a phone call goodbye. A month ago she showed up at my job looking for me, and ended up staying the week while I took care of her. Her parents told her to come back to me, because I was the only one who ever cared about her (she says). She left at the end of the week in an ambulance to get serious alcohol addiction treatment. She wants to get 'back with me' and try to start our relationship over. When she drinks, she is very mean and nasty, and I don't want that in my life. But... other than the alcoholism, (yeah I know it's enough) she's a great person. Smart, beautiful, funny, a great cook. I've had no other offers between the six years from my previous gf, and none since S. So, I'm torn between taking her back and trying to help her, or just forget about her, and most likely just end up being alone. I'll probably do the latter though.

 

[Docbrown777]

If you break it off I promise you a few years from now you'll look back and be glad you did. It's tough to do but sometimes you got to do it.

Like that scene from Crimson Tide where they have to shut the hatch and let the repair crew drown in order to save the submarine.

 

[tafkats]

Wow, I don't think I could do that.

I think you could in the interest of self-preservation.

As has been noted, the girlfriend is toxic and could have wrecked his life.

Indeed. Sometimes you just have to say no.

Flukie, does she seem to genuinely want to change ... and have the ability within herself to do so? That's going to be the key question.