Damn... not sure if I want this to happen.
- Thread starter ed629
- Start date
Red flag No. 1.
Red flag No. 2.
BIG RED FLAG No. 3.
Red flag No. 4
Can you swing bail? Red flag No. 5
If she isn't willing to take responsibility for herself, why should you?
If she is homeless and without resources, point her in the direction of public assistance. There are also organizations that can help people who are in the fix she is in (Catholic Charities comes to mind -- and they don't care if you're not Catholic).
I don't get the impression this girl (how old is she?) is going to be getting her crap together. If she was making an effort, I suspect her parents wouldn't be giving her the boot and putting a rush order on it.
ed629, you might love this girl (woman?) but don't forget she comes with an enormous amount of baggage that has nothing to do with her income.
Do yourself a favor: Skip the grief and find yourself a girlfriend who hasn't racked up a felony and multiple DUIs (I presume the pending loss of her license is the consequence of another drunken driving arrest?).
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Ooooo, she's a bad girl. 
Send her my way. Maybe she could use a spanking. 
Ok, but seriously. Not only does this sound like someone that should not be moving in with you but perhaps someone that you should break off your relationship with. I don't know you but I bet you can do better. Surely there's some well behaved non-felon nerd girl working in the public library or something. You know, like a younger Tina Fey.
Well, that's more a description of my ideal woman.
Send her my way. Maybe she could use a spanking. Ok, but seriously. Not only does this sound like someone that should not be moving in with you but perhaps someone that you should break off your relationship with. I don't know you but I bet you can do better. Surely there's some well behaved non-felon nerd girl working in the public library or something. You know, like a younger Tina Fey.
Well, that's more a description of my ideal woman.
ed629
Rear Admiral
Maybe I didn't phrase that entirely correct, we had talked about her moving in with me previously and yesterday instead of being if and when it happens, it became when she does move in. She didn't just say she was moving in out of the blue, it was something we had talked about as a possibility. She said that her parents told he she needs to move out and she told me that, and that instead of maybe her moving in as we talked about she will be moving.
This was something that she knew was going to happen eventually, even before I met her. It was a topic that had come up with her parents, and she had tried to avoid it and put it aside almost as if she ignored it, it would go away. So even if I wasn't involved, this would still be happening. The situation was always there and her step-father doesn't want to be responsible for her in any way, he has told her that too. And her mom is stuck in between, so it would of still happened. I am nervous about it, it would mean a lot of changes for me too.
I do love her, and care for her. And I feel that she does too. We could have a future, nothing is certain. And that is something we both see, that it can be a way to see if we can be together for a long time.
She knows she has made mistakes, and I don't judge people from their mistakes. I know what you're saying and it doesn't upset me, you have a very valid point. Yet, people do make mistakes that cost them though out their lives, and she has done that. She is facing that everyday and she has said that she wishes over and over that she could go back and stop the events that led to her felony. And I know that it will also be something that will affect me as well, and possibly cause me some problems too, there are jobs and positions that do ask if there is someone with a criminal background living/dating/married with/to.
That has occurred to me, and it is the easy way out. But as much as it is the easiest and probably the best thing to do, I don't think I can do that to her. I care too much about her and wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did that to her.
She does stay over several nights night a week, anywhere from 1 to 4,5 nights and she does clean or help me clean. She does contribute around in that way. She will walk my dogs, clean the kitchen, do laundry both mine and hers. So I don't see that happening. And I do the cooking, I enjoy it and that is something we already have going. I cook and she will clean up afterwards.
I know she has many problems, and if I knew about them before hand I probably would of run away. But now, it's not that easy. She is a good person, who has made mistakes, but that doesn't excuse them. I don't think I'm trying to do the white horse thing, but maybe I am.
But you do give some good points, if she doesn't work on straightening out her life then she needs to go and I will tell her that. That will be a condition of her moving in, she has to do something, and not just a half assed attempt, but actually work at it. And she has never asked or expected me to help her to that, I will if she needs it. But I won't do it for her.
Everyone has given me their opinion and I thank them for that, and it has given me a lot to think about. I know the best thing to do is to get her out of my life and forget about her, and to be totally honest I know I need to do that. I'm letting my feelings for her affect my best judgment and right now I am 50/50 on it. I am very apprehensive about and very worried about it. And she is at an age, almost 30 where she shouldn't have this happening to her. I was way more responsible when I was her age, and had more going for me too. I have that several times, she is a grown adult living at home with issues that are her fault. And that anyone with a right mind would tell to get out of their life, but she is working at making it better, she is in school to work on her degree and has said to me several times that she is worried with her background it can be for nothing, because of her past. And I have talked to her mom too, her mom feels that in some ways I am too good for her daughter and that she does have a lot of problems.
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Yes. Because criminals never change.
ed629, if you are truly fishing for opinions not only should you shut this operation, you should do so ASAP, like this afternoon. The information you've given suggest that you know the situation isn't great. You did provide us with her criminal background which suggests you know she's a tall order.
Just because you care about someone doesn't qualify to have them live with you. I wouldn't move in with a woman without dating her for at least a 6-12 months.
Soooooo glad my wife doesn't drink.
I was wondering the same thing.
I see it ending badly, too, ed629.
Pay close attention to the fact that her own parents are tossing her out. It's take a lot for most parents to get that fed up with their kids. You might want to have a chat with them to find out what happened.
Your girlfriend certainly sounds troubled. If you do (inexplicably) decide to take her in, it should be on the condition that she gets into intense, serious counseling.
Wow, the parallels with my own situation is frightening.
*saves this thread for future reference*
*saves this thread for future reference*
Pretty much agree with everyone else here. This sounds like a disaster in the making. This girl has gotten herself into trouble (multiple times), is being abandoned by her parents, and is looking for someone to leech off of. Sadly, ed629, it's going to be you. I wouldn't let her.
ed629 said:
The problem with that idea is that she's already IN, and moving someone in is always easier than getting them back out.
ed629 said:
Than there should really be no question as to your choice of action at this time. Again, in the future, you may choose to be with her, once she has some track record of being able to solve problems of her own creation rather than relying on someone else to solve them for her.
ed629 said:
Yes, she IS a bit too old for this. And you're right, comparisons aren't always completely valid. And it sounds as if she IS trying to fix things--but a few months is not a strong enough track record for the problems she's caused herself. Support her efforts? Fine--as long as she's not living with you yet.
ed629 said:
This should be the BIGGEST red flag. There could be family problems predating this and in fact helping to cause this woman's problems. If she is actually turning her life around, then it is odd that, right at this time, her family is turning her out. If they have a damn good reason (like prior and repeated broken promises on her part), then don't go near this person relationship-wise (or as roommates) until she's had 2 yrs of stability. Friends/support? Fine, but not more.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, but you're having trouble actually doing it. Just trust your instincts and do what is best for you. I understand that people can change and do stupid things, but forgiveness and responsibility are two different things.
It's probably better for her in the long run if she learns how to be independent and make better choices in her life. Two people who know how to live on their own are going to do a lot better in a relationship than a situation where one person is dependent on the other.
I know it's a difficult decision, I just think that internally, you've already made that decision and need to go through with executing it now. Saying you don't want her to move in with you doesn't make you a bad person by any means. It's perfectly reasonable.
What she said. A VERY BIG
Just out of curiosity, when was her last DUI? It sounds as if it was fairly recent if she hasn't had her licence suspended yet.
At another message board I post on it is pretty much a requirement that when someone talks about their girlfriend that they also must post pics.
I'm just saying....
I'm just saying....
Wow, she's a keeper....
(translation: love is blind, and you must be head over heels...
)
Or the sex is really, REALLY, good.
Wow, she's a keeper....
(translation: love is blind, and you must be head over heels...
This.
This right here is enough for me to see that you shouldn't do it. If you aren't immediately excited and thrilled at the prospect of her moving in with you, you shouldn't do it. Her life is a train wreck, and she's only going to further bring you into it if you live together.
When my girlfriend's mom was mistreating her to the point where she was so stressed out that she was getting sick, I extended the invitation for her to live with me with no hesitation whatsoever. Her reasons for needing to leave were no fault of her own, and she had her life together. I never had any sense of regret about my decision and things have never been better.
Your situation, however, is just about the total opposite. She is being forced out due to her own actions, and isn't even wanted by her own family! She's a criminal, and apparently not the brightest in the bunch if she has not one but two DUIs. I have a friend who had a DUI, and I have no problem letting them know I think they're an idiot. Why would you want this person to be in a relationship with you, much less live with you. Do you really want this girl to be your wife...the mother of your children??
In the immortal words of the late Commander Kruge, I say this.
Get out. Get outta there. Get out.
^Yeah, I was thinking that, amazing how many posters didn't mention that point. If you guys truly had discussed it through, you wouldn't be posting about it here, especially with that thread title.
Note how I almost never start a thread about my love life...because we talk about EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING. We had a lot of up and downs, got engaged pretty fast (after 3 1/2 months). I've been there for her as she finished her degree and trying to support her as she is looking for a job, possibly moving to her dream city. It's a lot to take in. But we talk about everything. So I don't feel the need to post here about our relationship.
Note how I almost never start a thread about my love life...because we talk about EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING. We had a lot of up and downs, got engaged pretty fast (after 3 1/2 months). I've been there for her as she finished her degree and trying to support her as she is looking for a job, possibly moving to her dream city. It's a lot to take in. But we talk about everything. So I don't feel the need to post here about our relationship.
Dont do it!
