However, i like men with meat on their bones.
Ladies, what do you look for in a man?
- Thread starter T'Baio
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However, i like men with meat on their bones.
However, i like men with meat on their bones.
Squiggy POUNCE!
I agree that intelligence and humility are a good combination...and I would say that only by coupling the two does one become wise. And wisdom is something I look for in a man. Common interests are helpful, too...I don't want to talk and feel like I don't connect, and that can't feel good for a man, either.
Another thing I look for is patience. The man I would marry is someone who would be able to let the relationship grow naturally out of a friendship, someone who wouldn't badger me. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a man who puts on the moves too quickly--I find that offputting if not frightening in some situations. A man that I would be comfortable marrying would be one willing to restrain himself and get to know the PERSON, not just the body. I want to be confident and comfortable in mutual respect before there's any discussion of love.
I would marry a man who has compatible values and beliefs to mine. That does not mean agreeing on everything, but agreeing on the big things in life. My husband is someone who would not just be a friend, but a soulmate--and that means growing in faith together, being able to share that part of ourselves as well and then, if and/or when we had children together, being able to impart those values to our children.
Each of us would be the only one for each other...we would learn together in all ways. I'm sure we would make mistakes, and it would take time to learn how to please each other, but that would be something we could do together instead of turning an equal thing into...well, a teacher-student thing.
Well, I guess I should address appearance. It's always possible I'd go for a guy who doesn't fit this description, especially because having the other things I described above goes a LONG way towards making someone attractive, but when it comes to build, I like a guy who is healthy but not...overly muscular. On strictly appearance, I tend to find myself attracted to men of a tan complexion--Mediterranean, sometimes Indian or Middle Eastern, but this is not a hard-and-fast rule. (But in the cases when I am attracted to a "whiter" man, I much prefer dark hair though I might make an exception for red in certain cases.) Appearance is not a guarantee I will actually be attracted, though--I tend to be rather...rational in how I approach men and if I don't think the chances of a viable long-term relationship are there, I won't consider you dating material, as I see no purpose in stringing someone along when I don't see any likelihood of my ever being comfortable enough to go further.
Another thing I look for is patience. The man I would marry is someone who would be able to let the relationship grow naturally out of a friendship, someone who wouldn't badger me. If there is one thing I HATE, it's a man who puts on the moves too quickly--I find that offputting if not frightening in some situations. A man that I would be comfortable marrying would be one willing to restrain himself and get to know the PERSON, not just the body. I want to be confident and comfortable in mutual respect before there's any discussion of love.
I would marry a man who has compatible values and beliefs to mine. That does not mean agreeing on everything, but agreeing on the big things in life. My husband is someone who would not just be a friend, but a soulmate--and that means growing in faith together, being able to share that part of ourselves as well and then, if and/or when we had children together, being able to impart those values to our children.
Each of us would be the only one for each other...we would learn together in all ways. I'm sure we would make mistakes, and it would take time to learn how to please each other, but that would be something we could do together instead of turning an equal thing into...well, a teacher-student thing.
Well, I guess I should address appearance. It's always possible I'd go for a guy who doesn't fit this description, especially because having the other things I described above goes a LONG way towards making someone attractive, but when it comes to build, I like a guy who is healthy but not...overly muscular. On strictly appearance, I tend to find myself attracted to men of a tan complexion--Mediterranean, sometimes Indian or Middle Eastern, but this is not a hard-and-fast rule. (But in the cases when I am attracted to a "whiter" man, I much prefer dark hair though I might make an exception for red in certain cases.) Appearance is not a guarantee I will actually be attracted, though--I tend to be rather...rational in how I approach men and if I don't think the chances of a viable long-term relationship are there, I won't consider you dating material, as I see no purpose in stringing someone along when I don't see any likelihood of my ever being comfortable enough to go further.
I would hope that girls don't get turned off by the sound of my voice. I sound like a 45 rpm single played at 33. It's a deep bass thing, but not in a good way. I *hate* to hear myself talk.
I know exactly what you are saying (I'm 41 AND a radio DJ), but some of the young uns here might not. 45...33...what?
If you're trying to make me feel even MORE old and useless, you're succeeding.
(and just to be clear, I was talking about records. 45-rpm singles vs. 33-rpm albums.
Another thing that I hope isn't an automatic turnoff: Baldness. I always hated the way I looked with hair. I was almost embarrassed to be seen that way. I didn't go bald to get women, I did it because I feel more comfortable as a baldie. But I'd hate to think that it killed my chances with girls...
All depends. Plenty of noted bald men that women admire. Patrick Stewart, Telly Savalas, Robau...the list goes on...
A
Amaris
Guest
If for nothing else, bless you for that statement (which I have bolded) right there (although I find what you have said overall to be quite reasonable). I have been the unfortunate recipient of such a string along, because she wanted someone nice and sweet (her words about me) but wanted a bad guy (her words about the guy she ended up choosing).
Sometimes I think most women are just as confused as I am when it comes to what they want in a relationship. By her own words, I was kind, compassionate, very nice, intelligent, and treated her with respect. She liked that about me, she said, but she didn't know what she wanted, because she also wanted a "bad boy". I knew the guy in question, and he was indeed a "bad boy". He got her pregnant, treated her poorly, refused to take responsibility for the child. A couple of years later, they got married. From the few occasions in which I see him, they're still married and he's still the same way.
The thing is, I don't think she got what she wanted.
The one and only time I dated, back in high school...the guy was not a bad guy, but I said "yes" when I should not have, and in the end I was not able to give him what he wanted in a relationship.
I felt like complete and utter dirt about that, afterwards.
And I don't EVER want to repeat that mistake because I know in the end it just hurt everyone, even though our final breakup was mutually agreed upon, not a case of one of us dumping the other.
That was also the thing that made me realize how important to me a patient man is...someone who won't use pressure tactics to get what he wants, even if he might know sooner than I do that he's attracted. I didn't like that feeling of being pushed into something I didn't REALLY want. That guy was just too, too much--he was smothering. Well-intended, not malicious, but just way...too much.
I felt like complete and utter dirt about that, afterwards.
And I don't EVER want to repeat that mistake because I know in the end it just hurt everyone, even though our final breakup was mutually agreed upon, not a case of one of us dumping the other.
That was also the thing that made me realize how important to me a patient man is...someone who won't use pressure tactics to get what he wants, even if he might know sooner than I do that he's attracted. I didn't like that feeling of being pushed into something I didn't REALLY want. That guy was just too, too much--he was smothering. Well-intended, not malicious, but just way...too much.
A
Amaris
Guest
You are a very principled woman. I like that. As for patient men, well in high school that just doesn't exist. To be honest, I don't know how I've managed to hold myself together after a nearly 17 year constant bombardment of a combined libido, torrential downpour of social sexuality from every direction, and hormonal tidal wave (I'm 29).
However, I get the feeling that when I meet the right person, sex (as much as it consumes my thoughts) will take a back seat (no pun intended) to everything else in the relationship. I think. I honestly do not know.
J
Jetfire
Guest
I know this all to well. When a woman thinks you are wonderful and would rather be with a jerk...it hurts more than if she thought you were horrible from the begining.
It makes you feel bad for being a good guy...which you should never feel bad about.
A
Amaris
Guest
It's just utterly confounding to me.
J
Jetfire
Guest
After the last relationship I was in I don't think I could be in something serious again...this sounds dumb but I cannot have my heart broken one more time. I don't even want to think about dating until I have my life the way I need it to be and want it to be. Even then it isn't a major consern of mine.
What do I look for in a man? Well, the things that made me marry my hubby, I guess.
1. He didn't take himself so seriously. He laughed at himself and acknowledged his own flaws.
2. He was kind and thoughtful but still called me on my own stupidity. He teased me, and I teased him, and we could (and still can) laugh at each other without being cruel.
3. We had the same values. We're both atheists, we don't smoke or drink, we're both deeply curious about the world, and have a very strong sense of personal ethics.
4. We have the same interests. We're both Sci Fi geeks, movie fanatics, foodies, and we both love kids. We both love music, board games and reading.
5. He loves to help people. He's the tech support for my entire family. He takes care of people and is far more patient with them than I ever could be. All in all, he's pretty damn nice, and that's a trait that's hard to top. Not that he's perfect; he's had his "complete asshole" moments (he IS a guy after all---hee hee!). We don't always see eye-to-eye. But I like hanging out with him.
And he, for some strange reason, likes me. That's a huge plus, right there. One thing that really struck me when we first met was that he talked to me like a person, instead of like a guy hitting on a girl. "Hey, baby, so---you come here often?" No. None of that bullshit. He talked to me, because we were stuck in the same room--at a convention, no less--and bored silly, so we started talking about why we came to the convention and what we liked.
He wasn't rabid nerd fan boy--ie, "Anyone who doesn't like my show is an IDIOT!" Nope. It was just a conversation. He was just being himself, and so was I. I think it helped that I was in another city and figured I would never see this guy again, so I could just be ME--the real ME---so it didn't matter if he liked me or not.
He was confident in who he was and not trying to impress me. He wasn't pretending. He had a beard--and I never liked beards in guys. He was extremely skinny, and I had never been attracted to guys who were that skinny. He didn't have a college degree, and I swore that I could never love a man who wasn't as educated as I was.
So, that whole list ended up going right out the window. What I was looking for and what I fell in love with were completely different. I think that just being yourself, having a great sense of humor, not taking every damn thing so seriously, being basically kind and generous, and having common interests and beliefs is what makes a relationship work.
In my own limited experience, anyway. YMMV.
1. He didn't take himself so seriously. He laughed at himself and acknowledged his own flaws.
2. He was kind and thoughtful but still called me on my own stupidity. He teased me, and I teased him, and we could (and still can) laugh at each other without being cruel.
3. We had the same values. We're both atheists, we don't smoke or drink, we're both deeply curious about the world, and have a very strong sense of personal ethics.
4. We have the same interests. We're both Sci Fi geeks, movie fanatics, foodies, and we both love kids. We both love music, board games and reading.
5. He loves to help people. He's the tech support for my entire family. He takes care of people and is far more patient with them than I ever could be. All in all, he's pretty damn nice, and that's a trait that's hard to top. Not that he's perfect; he's had his "complete asshole" moments (he IS a guy after all---hee hee!). We don't always see eye-to-eye. But I like hanging out with him.
And he, for some strange reason, likes me. That's a huge plus, right there. One thing that really struck me when we first met was that he talked to me like a person, instead of like a guy hitting on a girl. "Hey, baby, so---you come here often?" No. None of that bullshit. He talked to me, because we were stuck in the same room--at a convention, no less--and bored silly, so we started talking about why we came to the convention and what we liked.
He wasn't rabid nerd fan boy--ie, "Anyone who doesn't like my show is an IDIOT!" Nope. It was just a conversation. He was just being himself, and so was I. I think it helped that I was in another city and figured I would never see this guy again, so I could just be ME--the real ME---so it didn't matter if he liked me or not.
He was confident in who he was and not trying to impress me. He wasn't pretending. He had a beard--and I never liked beards in guys. He was extremely skinny, and I had never been attracted to guys who were that skinny. He didn't have a college degree, and I swore that I could never love a man who wasn't as educated as I was.
So, that whole list ended up going right out the window. What I was looking for and what I fell in love with were completely different. I think that just being yourself, having a great sense of humor, not taking every damn thing so seriously, being basically kind and generous, and having common interests and beliefs is what makes a relationship work.
In my own limited experience, anyway. YMMV.
A
Amaris
Guest
I feel for you. As for myself, I'm still looking. I just want someone to love me because they love me. I have so many varied interests that I am bound to find someone who shares some commonalities with me. Maybe I just live in the wrong place. You see, around here, we have some of the lowest test scores in the state. We also have a lower than average reading level. Some women whom I have dated would say it wasn't working because I was "too smart" for them. I don't get that. It's not as if I was quoting Einstein or engaging in discussions about quantum theory. It was just general conversation.
That is beautiful. I know I'm just some random internet stranger, but I wish you both all the best.
Thanks. I just wish I'd learned my lesson before that time. I guess I can write it off to being 15 and still learning, but it's not something I like remembering or that I felt good about writing just now.
That's what I'm hoping would be the case. I know my mom and dad started as friends, and they're still enjoying a happy marriage...so I'm really hoping it's possible.
Honestly, men being too forward scare me. I HATE being hit on by customers at work and other people I don't know...it honestly scares me because all I see is their wanting. And it makes me feel unsafe.
I've never been hurt in that manner. I'm not sure WHY I feel that way, then.
But sometimes I think when I meet that right man--it's actually possible I will be the one who decides when it's right to ask him to go out with me. I'm not sure a lot of guys would care for that. But I think that if I'm really comfortable with someone, I would at least be able to imagine myself initiating the relationship.
A
Amaris
Guest
Don't feel bad about it. You feel that you made a mistake, but you have apparently learned from it. I can count to you the number of female friends I know who made the mistake, regretted it and then continued making it. Do you know how many calls I have received over these past 14/15 years from female friends who call and still ask for advice, yet still make those same mistakes?
You are smart and very wise. Trust me on that one.
Because the old adage is fairly true (but definitely not wholly true) that men are after one thing. However, there is a difference between someone being attracted to you physically, and someone whose sole intent is to get you into bed.
There is nothing wrong at all with initiating the relationship. There are plenty of guys like me who are looking, but don't want to impose themselves upon women. I have been known to ask politely and friendly, and have often been rejected. There are some women who only reject me because they want me to push further, and I won't. I don't play those games. This probably explains my lack of dating in recent years.
I have, however, long since stopped believing in the idea that "good things come to those who wait". I have never seen that come to fruition, and I have waited a long, long time. I usually try not to think about it.
Skinny white nerds that are intelligent and sweet.
Squiggy POUNCE!
She said "skinny."
For the record, this sort of thing isn't a requirement. And I'm with someone, anyway. My first boyfriend was a guy with quite a bit of pudge on him and as far as I was concerned, that simply made him comfier to cuddle with.
I was just trying to think about the common factors between the four guys I have fallen in love with, and three of them were skinny white nerds.
Even if you have a type, life has a way of throwing you a curveball and making you fall for someone different. I had every intention of marrying an Indian doctor, but the heart wants what it wants.
Edit (I missed this):
There are many men that are okay with that. My first boyfriend? We were casual friends and once I realized I had feelings for him, I just told him straight out. I told him I wasn't expecting anything, but I wanted him to know how I felt. He asked me out later that week. My husband? We had an ... encounter ... while visiting friends at another college, but I told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship as I had just gotten out of another one. He respected that but let me know he was interested every day that we talked, and one day I just said "Okay, I'm ready now." It was like that with our marriage, too. He knew he wanted to marry me long before I knew I was ready to commit to him for a lifetime.
As long as you're upfront and no one's stringing anyone along, it's all good.
I think so. Again, judging from my mom and dad, and the other stable relationships in my family, I really think that the men in those cases may want and like the physical aspect, but they seem to want and value the whole person. That's what I want to find for myself.
But that's a good thing, it sounds like, to not want to be with women who would toy with you. That's self-confidence and self-respect.There is nothing wrong at all with initiating the relationship. There are plenty of guys like me who are looking, but don't want to impose themselves upon women. I have been known to ask politely and friendly, and have often been rejected. There are some women who only reject me because they want me to push further, and I won't. I don't play those games. This probably explains my lack of dating in recent years.
And it's good to know there are at least a few guys who wouldn't have a problem with the woman making the first move.
A
Amaris
Guest
There have been women who I have found to be very attractive superficially, but a quick conversation results in my disappointment. For me, physical attractiveness is only a small part of the whole. I have been far more attracted by intelligence and wit than by red hair or size DD's.
What is unfortunate, is that the words I say are spoken by many men who do not mean a single syllable of it whatsoever, which makes it far more difficult for the genuine article to come along.
You know, you're right. I just don't like toying with people or playing games. I think in our society it's expected, but I just don't do it. People aren't playthings, they're not conquests or prizes to be won.
As for a woman making the first move, I'm all for it. I believe in equality, on all levels.
On the contrary, I think most guys would find it a refreshing change of pace and for some who get nervous in those situations it would take a lot of the pressure off.
