World War Three (0)
Well done Russell, you've surpassed yourself.
Yeah, so, remember that exciting cliffhanger where it looked like the Doctor was only going to die? Well, turns out that thing that looked like it was killing everyone (including him) was only deadly to humans. So he then picks off his tag of death, and tags it to the Slitheen in the room with him. Like a should-be-deadly game of, dare I say, tag. Excellent cliffhanger resolution. Better still, the lightning energy seems to start hurting the Slitheen chasing Jackie and Rose/Harriet. Why? Because otherwise RTD might actually have to make up a different way they can escape. And he's not clever enough for that.
So, the Doctor runs off, gets some soldiers, the soldiers believe the Slitheen (in their people suits), and then chase after the Doctor until they have him at gunpoint. But aha! He's standing right in front of the lift. So while he keeps chattering away and they have ample time to grab him, he backs into the lift and goes to another floor.
Meanwhile, Rose and Harriet are still hiding, now from three Slitheen. I'm sure this will be resolved logically. Ah yes, there we go: the Doctor runs in with a fire extinguisher. Sure is lucky he knew where to find them. And the Slitheen are idiots/useless.
So, a bit of a chase ensues, until the Slitheen catch up. Now, the way I do these reviews is by taking notes as I watch the episode. Anyway, for the next bit, I paused it and wrote about a paragraph of why it was stupid. But then, there was a rare outbreak of competence in the writing when the Slitheen (albeit much later than the rest of us would) realised how stupid it was. So all my criticism of it (specifically, some idiotic non-jargon from the Doctor as to how his magic wand and a bottle of alcohol could kill them all) goes to waste. Still, plenty more where that came from.
Anyway, rather than just attacking immediately, the Slitheen stumble around a bit while the Doctor gives a quick history of Downing Street, culminating in explaining how the cabinet room (which the Doctor, Rose, and Harriet are in, but the Slitheen are just outside) is the safest place ever. Then he presses a big obvious button at the side, and shielding comes up and surrounds the entire room. Now, even though he didn't do the sensible thing and press it as soon as he found out what he needed to from the Slitheen and as soon as they stopped being fooled by the old "sonic screwdriver to the whisky" trick, and instead took the time to chatter on even then, I'm (almost) willing to forgive it, purely because of how in the quick history he gives of Downing Street, he describes Mr Chicken as a nice man. Made me smile
. And that would be the last time I smile for this episode.
Meanwhile, because the army are idiots/useless, we see Jackie and Mickey easily sneak around them to get to Mickey's flat. At the same time, some fat people who obviously aren't human go into Number 10, and the dead horse of flatulence is flogged a bit more. Lol, bodily functions sure are funny
.
So, Rose, Harriet, and the Doctor talk, and apparently the British government no longer have control over their own nuclear weapons; the UN have the codes. Words can't describe how stupid this is, but it's a development very necessary to the plot. Harriet Jones says she voted against that, so here's a character who isn't an idiot/useless at least.
They then phone Mickey (it's nice to know they can get a signal in a room completely surrounded by 3 inch thick steel), and after the Doctor insults Mickey for a bit (what a guy), Mickey helps by going onto the UN website. And conveniently, all the secret information known to man is kept on one website with only one password.
Sadly, before things get too convenient and the episode can end, Constable Slitheen arrives at Mickey's door. So the Doctor asks Rose and Harriet to go through the things that the Slitheen can do because somehow he'll magically know their weakness. Then, he works out what planet they're from. Because despite knowing the planet they're from because of the nature of their gas exchange, he can't recognise their planet from looking at them.
Anyway, considering the Slitheen is chasing Jackie and Mickey into the kitchen, it's damn useful that they're vulnerable to vinegar. And despite being gone for a year (what was the point in that subplot anyway?), Rose still knows Mickey's kitchen better than he does, so she tells him where the vinegar's kept, along with pickled onions and stuff. So they chuck vinegar at Officer Slitheen, and he explodes. Does it make sense that he explodes? I'm perhaps blissfully unaware enough of chemistry to be able to give a definitive no, but I'd have thought if such a reaction should happen, it should be immediate on contact, not with it standing there dripping for a few seconds first.
History lesson though kids: Hannibal crossed the Alps by dissolving boulders with vinegar. Which is sort of true.
So, then PM Slitheen goes outside and we get an odious little reference to the claim leading up to the invasion of Iraq that Saddam Hussein had weapons he could target at us and fire within 45 minutes, when he says that there are aliens above who can attack in 45 seconds. This is so that the UN will give Britain the codes to their own nuclear weapons, which they can then fire about at other countries starting World War 3, with everyone dying while the Slitheen watch, and then they sell off the bits of dead planet. Because bits of radioactive planet will apparently power spaceships. Why they can't just make some nukes (which you'd expect a species so advanced could easily do), radioactivise some barren planets, and sell that is but one of a million reasons why this is some of the most stupid and ridiculous television I've ever seen.
Up until then, this episode could have been passed off as mindless, idiotic fun (I wouldn't call it fun, but at least, if nothing else, it's not boring). But this ham-fisted attempt to create a parallel to the WMD claims made leading up to the invasion of Iraq is ill-advised at best and offensive at worst. And it's not just a passing reference; the standard American fake news channel repeats the whole thing for us, as the UN supposedly deliberates and the Earth is propelled into "interplanetary war". How we'd strike this other planet I'd like to know, but...
And then we get the stupidest false dilemma I've ever heard. The Doctor has a way to save the world, but he'd lose Rose. Oh no! Heart-wrenching! He'd lose an idiot girl he's known for about a week, while saving 5 billion people. Pathetic.
Meanwhile, the UN council is deliberating (you'd think maybe they'd have a look at the sky themselves to see if these hostile aliens are up there before believing the words of a minor minister who's become British PM suddenly, which would make no sense to anyone). And Mickey continues to easily hack his way to wherever the plot needs him to. It seems the same password as worked for the UN site also works for the Royal Navy. And on the internet, you can fire missiles (though obviously not the nuclear ones without the codes, because that would be silly).
So we get a tensionless race as we find the UN, being as stupid as everyone else on this show, has voted yes on the nuclear codes, and meanwhile a missile soars towards Downing Street to kill the Slitheen, while everyone else manages to evacuate, and the Doctor, Rose, and Harriet are safe after all in the big safe cabinet room. So that stupid dilemma with either Rose dying or everyone else in the world? Didn't exist. And even though they've been thrown around a steel shell, they all emerge completely unharmed and completely unrattled. Emerge by easily opening their way out of a supposedly impenetrable room that's survived being blasted by a missile and thrown around, I might add.
A few pointless things happen and the episode takes 5 minutes longer to end than it should. And I'm left with a nasty taste in my mouth.
Even the sight of a Dalek in the preview for next week can't lift my hopes. Doctor Who is dead, and they'll probably just ruin the Daleks as well.
