You're going to loathe the next two episodes...
Skip the next two.
Too late
Aliens of London(*½)
So, we open with clips from Rose. Which makes me feel that that 1.5 out of 5 was a bit on the generous side for that episode. Also, does the audience really need a recap? Well, we've got it.
Anyway, the Tardis lands back in its favourite spot in London, and Rose rushes off to tell her mum about how she can say she's been in at least 1 good 45 minutes of television. Meanwhile, the Doctor notices a conveniently placed missing person poster, which looks very new considering it turns out Rose has been "missing" for a year. Either that, or they haven't thought to leaflet anywhere outside of a 5 minutes radius of her flat. But yeah, anyway, the Doctor's managed to get things wrong by a year. Meaning he can pinpoint the exact point in 5 billion years to be present to see the world end, but can't arrive within 12 hours of where he was a couple of trips ago. Here's an example of the Tardis acting exactly as the plot requires, especially as a big spaceship is about to crash into the middle of London.
And crash it does, giving us a great shot of the ship going through Big Ben (or, more precisely, St. Stephen's Tower), which was great for the trailers, and the best thing in the episode.
We then see the BBC News, which is of course a shoddy attempt to look like the real thing, even down to Andrew Marr, who probably bit their hand off when offered the chance to appear in this. So, we find out a body has been recovered. And apparently a state of national emergency has been declared. Err, national? I'd have thought a BBC Wales production would have avoided being so London-centric. Though come to think of it...emergency? Meh, whatever.
Then the channel gets changed by a child, and we see that Blue Peter is showing us how to build a cake that looks like the spaceship. Which is a nice gag and everything, but they must have rustled that up pretty damn quick, because we get the impression that it only crashed about half an hour ago. Quicky-back plastic.
And then we get some flatulence. And if you find that funny, you won't have any ribs left by the time this episode finishes. Of course, being older than 6, I find it distasteful and not in the least bit funny. But it's always good to see Annette Badland pop up. I think the woman's on a mission to guest star in every single BBC show ever.
And then the Doctor gives Rose a Tardis key. Hey, it's not as if she's an idiot you've only known for a few days; giving her keys to the most sophisticated machine any human's ever seen will be fine. He then leaves, but Mickey, also being an idiot, tries to run into the Tardis (which if there would have hurt) as it dematerialises and he runs into the metal sheeting and falls down. I can't tell any more what's meant to be funny, because nothing really is.
We then get more lame Tardis controls. This time a hammer. Makes me appreciate that bloody screwdriver. Talking of the screwdriver, like a bad penny, here it is next, unlocking a conventionally locked door this time. Why a group of soldiers would lock the room they're in isn't explained, but by now I suspect the screwdriver must be contractually obliged to appear. Really though, would the scene have lacked anything if the Doctor had just walked in and had the guns pointed at him?
And then, because soldiers are notoriously sheep-like, they instantly follow him when he shouts "Defense Pattern Delta!". Defense Pattern Delta is well known as meaning "run down the corridor pointing your guns ahead" it seems. Though surely that's an offense. Nevertheless, being such an obvious military expert and instant commander of men, they obey when the Doctor then tells them to spread out and tell the perimeter it's a lockdown. Really, why bother even having psychic paper?
And oh no, tension! There's an alien in the creepy dark mortuary. Oh hang on, it's a pigman. Anyway, it gets shot after charging at a group of soldiers. The Doctor criticises their action in shooting, insisting the pigman was just scared. I don't know about you, but I don't tend to run towards things I'm scared of.
We then get a scene of lots of flatulence while a general (and that MP woman who probably won't ever matter) watches. Then it turns out the fat farters are aliens, as is shown when they unzip their heads. But here's a thing: at one point the lights are on in the room, then the camera changes and they're suddenly off, so the forehead light is more noticeable. It doesn't make any sense, and is obviously just to make the forehead light more effective. Very lazy.
Anyway, turns out the pig alien was a decoy pilot for the ship, and actually a real pig augmented mentally. Or something.
So we get more on the fallout of Rose being missing for a year. Poor Mickey was left all alone, questioned many times by the police, and suspected by everyone around of having murdered her or being responsible somehow. The Doctor comes back and reverts to some childish unlikeability when confronted by Mickey, presumably being played for laughs. Especially unpleasant when you consider it's the Doctor's fault Mickey was accused because he ended up a year late. Jackie calls the hotline to tell the authorities about the Doctor, and the Doctor himself takes the opportunity to be rude to Mickey because he wouldn't understand how a time machine works, all while he fiddles with the Tardis using only the screwdriver.
Anyway, turns out the Doctor "patched in the radar [and] linked it back 12 hours so it followed the flight of that spaceship". Leaving aside whether that makes any kind of sense, it seemed the screwdriver was all he needed for the meddling. Yet another silly thing for the screwdriver list you may think, until you consider that you'd think the Tardis controls should do that themselves. Or maybe he didn't have the right type of hammer.
We then get back to the aliens, and after more flatulence (
), we see one of them has changed into the general, and they chuck the previous skin (that of the PM) in the cupboard with the MP woman. Pretty horrific you'd think, but the skin couldn't look more like a pink rubber cap with a cheap wig attached if they'd left the price tag on.
Then we see UNIT's back and involved. I say involved; they get mentioned and we see some brief dashing about, so maybe it's just a little fanwank for all the classic series fans. Still, nice to see. No Brigadier though
. But then, we wouldn't want our memories of the good old days ruined with him appearing in this rubbish. It'd be like when the (then) three remaining Beatles did Free as a Bird.
Then the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey step out of the Tardis to see that the army's come for the Doctor (and obviously they send lots of trucks and cars, because they're the army). Quite a lot for an escort, but it's nice to give the heavily armoured vehicles a run round the block when the opportunity presents itself. Incidentally, though they even have dogs, Mickey manages to run and hide with ease. You'll notice I called it an escort, because even though the voice coming out of the helicopter shouts that they're under arrest, when Rose calls it as such, the Doctor says it isn't - it's an escort to Downing Street. Usually I'd be inclined to believe the ones making the arrest/escort, but this being an RTD story, the Doctor is, of course, automatically in the right.
A copper then talks to Jackie about the Doctor, but he's got stomach noises, so obviously he's not a propper copper. Meanwhile, at 10 Downing Street, the Doctor goes in for a briefing, but Rose is left outside because you don't really want an idiot hanging around (unless you are the Ninth Doctor of course).
So she goes off with Harriet Jones and they find the dead PM and get confronted by Badland. While this goes on, the policeman with Jackie starts to unzip his head, but for some reason the lights don't turn themselves off. Weird, huh.
And then we get the single worst line I can recall in the whole of Doctor Who:
"Excuse me, do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?"
Give. Me. Strength.
And then all the Slitheen start peeling out of their dead people suits, some lights stay on, some flicker, and some go off. Some people seem to nearly die, including the Doctor, but he's obviously going to be ok because 1. he's the Doctor and 2. he's fine in the teaser for next week that immediately follows.
At least they've not given the second part much to live up to.
Now, I've given this episode 1.5/5, which despite being such a low score, might still seem kind for this episode. Well, despite being ruddy awful, it's still sort of entertaining, if only to spot the one stupid thing after another. It's not what I'd call fun, but it's not boring at least. Still, who knows, maybe the second part will salvage the whole thing...
Extraordinary screwdriver:
1. Stops plastic arm from receiving signal.
2. Disengages computerised lock on door.
3. Seems to be the only tool you need while fixing a time machine.
4. Even opens conventional doors.
5. Helps "patch in the radar [and] link it back 12 hours so it can follow the flight of that spaceship". You mean your screwdriver can't?
