Is it okay for people to live together before getting married?

[RJDiogenes]

Of course it's okay for people to live together before or, preferably, instead of marriage.

I grew up in a neighborhood of Boston and a suburb South of Boston.

I'm an Atheist.

I don't like the idea of marriage. I don't think Human relationships, especially love, should be defined by a contract.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Along with your answer to the above, please state (i) where you spent your formative years (i.e., what city/state/country), (ii) how religious you are, and/or (iii) any other factor that you think plays into why you think the way you do. Thanks!

Yes, I think it's okay for people to live together before getting married, and in fact I think it's a wise idea.

1) I grew up mainly in Southern California.
2) I'm an Atheist who was raised Catholic.

3) There was a long term study done years ago that followed couples from when they got married through 14 years(?) later, and it showed that how a couple got along during the first two years together was a significant indicator of the continued success or failure of the marriage after that. Usually it would take a few years longer for a divorce to occur, but all the warning signs were there in the beginning years of the marriage, some even in the first few months.

If a couple first tried living together before marriage and seeing how compatible they were, it would largely serve the same purpose of making you aware of your differences or allowing you to iron out the kinks before you decide to make that leap into a greater commitment or not.

 

[Shazam!]

The correct and only answer is "Yes, it is okay."

 

[SmoothieX]

1. Grew up in a suburb of NYC. Conservative town, overall liberal area

2. I'm ambivalent toward religion. I don't practice any faith, but I don't feel strongly about atheism either.

3. I lived with my now wife for 2 years before getting married. We had the intention of marrying one day, and this was sort of our trial run. There were a lot of ups and downs, and we worked hard to get through them. Once we felt confident that we did, we got engaged.

I firmly support cohabitation before marriage. As another member said, don't buy the car before you test drive it.

 

[kimc]

I think people can do what they want BUT I personally find the idea of giving up your independence without a commitment to be silly.

1) Grew up in East and Midwest (US).
2) Spiritual but not officially religious.
3) I've seen people who move in together end up homeless and with financial issues after the relationship ended.

 

[Kestra]

3) There was a long term study done years ago that followed couples from when they got married through 14 years(?) later, and it showed that how a couple got along during the first two years together was a significant indicator of the continued success or failure of the marriage after that. Usually it would take a few years longer for a divorce to occur, but all the warning signs were there in the beginning years of the marriage, some even in the first few months.

Oh, great.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

3) There was a long term study done years ago that followed couples from when they got married through 14 years(?) later, and it showed that how a couple got along during the first two years together was a significant indicator of the continued success or failure of the marriage after that. Usually it would take a few years longer for a divorce to occur, but all the warning signs were there in the beginning years of the marriage, some even in the first few months.

Oh, great.

Sorry to be a downer.

Hey, did you know that a stingray killed Steve Irwin?


Yeah, I sidestepped that landmine nicely.

 

[JonathonWally]

I had to live in a 6 person suite in my freshmen dorm in college, can't be all that hard to live with a girlfriend in comparison.

 

[Kestra]

^^^ Good thing I knew about Steve Irwin! Remember that time I decided to watch all the TOS movies and discovered that Spock dies? Yeah, still recovering from that.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

^^^ Good thing I knew about Steve Irwin! Remember that time I decided to watch all the TOS movies and discovered that Spock dies? Yeah, still recovering from that.

That was classic.

By the way, don't watch the ending of Old Yeller.

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osRX86BYsVg[/yt]

 

[Wicca who Wonta]

Over here people would raise their eyebrows if you wouldn't live with someone before marriage. It happens but it's not very common. Personally, I think it's wise to get to know the person you want to marry since it's a bigger deal to get a divorce compared to just moving out.

i Sweden
ii I was raised in a religious home but I wouldn't call myself religious now.
iii I've seen some bad things caused by religion.

 

[Bears Discover Fire]

Yes I feel it's fine to cohabitate prior to marriage and you probably should, especially in a town as expensive and filled with sketchy potential roommates as LA.

1) Raised in a conservative SoCal suburb.

2) Not religious. Raised very religiously.

3) I've watched a lot of people jump into marriages with people they didn't know well enough, due to their religious strictures on premarital sex and premarital cohabitation. Just happened to my mother a few months ago, and the asshole that's now under her roof...well the less I say about him and the catastrophic impact he's had on mom's well-being, the better. Most end with expensive and distraught divorces because their differences are too insurmountable.

I also live in a very expensive area where most people cannot keep a roof over their heads by themselves. Cohabitating with an S.O. prior to marriage both allows a person to become familiar with the other's habits and idiosyncracies prior to a legally binding commitment, and avoids the peril of inviting a basic stranger in as a roommate.

 

[John Picard]

A-OK so long as you end it before common-law marriage legalities kick in.

1) Raised in the Midwest somewhat Christian
2) Agnostic
3) Religion causes more problems than anything else

 

[NCC1701]

1. Lived in the Netherlands for the first 10 years of my life, have lived in New Zealand the 13 years since then.
2. I'm atheist.
3. My girlfriend recently moved in with me, so I may be biased, can't say I care too much though . We might get married, eventually. My personal philosophy is do whatever you want to make yourself happy, live and let live and all that.

 

[propita]

1) Grew up in Pasadena, CA. Middle-class (Dad worked, Mom didn't, but no new cars and no yearly vacation).

2) Raised conservative Jewish but pretty non-religious.

3) Hubby and I lived together for 9 years before marrying. I was for marrying, he was...hesitant. My parents had a strong marriage. His parents were still married, but there was some abuse and not much love shown (or likely felt)--more companionship from the years spent together. Hubby was raised Catholic (also pretty-non-religious.

Biggest influence? I wanted to be with Hubby, even if he didn't want to marry yet. I'd rather have been with him, unmarried but happy, than not with him at all.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Is this a survey? I want a poll! I love polls!

Answer: of course it's okay. It's more than ok. It should be mandatory! (not really, but strongly recommended).

(i) Bologna, in Italy (yes, we invented the sausage).

(ii) Atheist (raised Catholic, but never really believed).

(iii) Common sense is a wonderful thing to use.

 

[cultcross]

I would strongly recommend it, I can't imagine living with someone for the first time when I'd just committed to do so forever. Some people who get on just fine day by day really could never live together (as I learned while being a student) - better to find that out before saying 'I do'.
The Mrs and I have lived together for 4 years unmarried, and proved to ourselves that we are compatible domestically - so the idea of settling down to it permanently isn't half so daunting (I should point out that 'my mrs' is purely a descriptor given to any female significant other in the West Country it doesn't necessarily imply marriage).

Edit: oops, forgot the questions.
i) Buckinghamshire, UK
ii) Raised atheist, now non-denominational Christian
iii) experience of living with people who were close friends of mine and discovering that good friendship doesn't always translate to good living in close quarters.

 

[Timby]

I think it's absolutely okay, and beyond that, I would heavily, heavily recommend it. While my wife is the only person I've ever lived with after moving out of my parents' house (outside of a roommate in my freshman year of college), living together for a little over a year before we were married allowed us to work through a lot of the interpersonal issues and conflicts that would have waylaid us if we had only moved in together right around the time we were wed.

1) Raised in the Western suburbs of Chicago.
2) Grew up in a very strict Catholic family; currently, while I don't practice, I align myself with the United Church of Christ.

 

[Tribbles]

Chiming in because I have seen a few people say they are surprised by the idea of not living with someone before marrying them. I'm sure it is problematic for some people, but as a personal example, I didn't live with my husband until I married him in August '08. We've been married a little over a year, and everything has been fine so far. As you can imagine, we both had to adjust to each other during the first few months, but I don't recall anything too drastic. It was a pretty smooth transition from my apartment shared with roommates to living with my husband. (He had lived alone for several years before our wedding, so it may have been less easy of a transition for him.)

(Edited to add: Not sure if it is relevant or not, but I did date my husband for over two years before we got engaged, even though we didn't live together.)

I don't know if we're the norm or the exception, but it can be done.

To answer the OP's questions: I was raised in Alabama as a Baptist, and I consider myself a non-denominational Christian now. For me, living together after marriage is preferable for both faith-based and personal reasons. However, the majority of couples I know live together before marriage and I do recognize the practical reasons behind it.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Chiming in because I have seen a few people say they are surprised by the idea of not living with someone before marrying them. [...]

I don't know if we're the norm or the exception, but it can be done.

Of course it can be done, and I suppose it's done often. But it's a big jump into the void, and one that could be avoided easily. A trial run seems the most sensible thing to do. Baby steps in a relationships are usually a good idea.

For me, living together after marriage is preferable for both faith-based and personal reasons.

May I ask what you think could be personal, not-religious reason for going straight to marriage without living together? I understand religious reasons: I don't agree, but I can understand them. But I can't see any secular reason for that.