Spanking bad for kids?
- Thread starter Mistral
- Start date
Read the OP.
You didn't learn to act right, you learned to be scared. Don't think so? What are the specfic lessons learned from being abused? What exactly did that welt teach you?
Yes, you can beat a child down to get "better" behavior. It works. But it doesn't teach them anything. In fact, it most likely destroys whatever lesson may have been pertinent.
I work with challenging behavior all the time in developmental disabilities. More challenging than most children will ever exhibit. A lot of people roll their eyes at the practical approach, but I can tell you: nothing works better than reminding them of natural consequences and time-outs. Nothing I've found. Certainly slapping them around wouldn't do any good.
As for calm, measured spanking - I don't know. I think that is exceptionally rare if it does happen. 99% of it is angry, pissed of parent bullying their kid into submission.
I would suggest however that if you are spanking in a calm, measured way, that you might just as well use a different punishment in the same manner. The fear of the spanking is a motivator, but if it got to that point, I'd have them in their rooms with no TV or entertainment, as long as it takes.
I think spanking diminishes the true parental authority. People need to shake off what they grew up with - just because your parents did it doesn't make it right. Don't idolize their methods where flawed. And LGM - your Mother was wrong, very wrong.
I'd imagine it's needed for some kids- and I say that knowing of a person who had a mental break down because of her idiot son. But I agree- it needs to be calm, not out of rage, and must fit the action.
Though my personal experience with it was excessive and extreme, so I doubt I'd be as violent today if it'd been given as needed instead of my parent's frustration due to unrelated matters. It's discipline for actions to a child that will disobey words/time-outs etc. I mean, I am well behaved and mannerly in general, but I would be even if I hadn't gotten the beatings. I'd have a better relationship with my family, especially given the measures I had to go through to get it to stop.
There is abuse, and there is discipline/punishment. They shouldn't be the same.
Banning kids for ridiculous amounts of time seems ridiculous to me too. It just gets irritating. But I do find kids aren't as well behaved now as in the past, though parents probably don't spend enough of any kind of time, discipline or otherwise, with them.
Though my personal experience with it was excessive and extreme, so I doubt I'd be as violent today if it'd been given as needed instead of my parent's frustration due to unrelated matters. It's discipline for actions to a child that will disobey words/time-outs etc. I mean, I am well behaved and mannerly in general, but I would be even if I hadn't gotten the beatings. I'd have a better relationship with my family, especially given the measures I had to go through to get it to stop.
There is abuse, and there is discipline/punishment. They shouldn't be the same.
Banning kids for ridiculous amounts of time seems ridiculous to me too. It just gets irritating. But I do find kids aren't as well behaved now as in the past, though parents probably don't spend enough of any kind of time, discipline or otherwise, with them.
My hubby and I are in the process of adopting--just at the beginning of the process--and we've had to sign forms saying that we will never spank or resort to physical punishment. I had no problem signing that form.
My Dad was raised in a very abusive home. He beat the hell out of us, because that's how fathers--in his mind--treated their kids. He hit us out of anger, when he was completely out of control. I was shoved to the ground, had my nose bloodied, my clothes torn, etc. He was also insulting, sarcastic and uninvolved. The result? I grew up hating him, and part of me always will.
My Mom would occasionally smack me in the back of the head, smack my hand away from something or grab my arm, or give me that little pinch, along with the mom-look-of-death, if I acted up in public. But I never feared her. She explained everything to me, as to what was wrong and what was right. She made me feel loved and still let me know when I was acting like a jerk.She never left a mark on me and I still learned that there are consequences to being disrespectful.
My Dad was raised in a very abusive home. He beat the hell out of us, because that's how fathers--in his mind--treated their kids. He hit us out of anger, when he was completely out of control. I was shoved to the ground, had my nose bloodied, my clothes torn, etc. He was also insulting, sarcastic and uninvolved. The result? I grew up hating him, and part of me always will.
My Mom would occasionally smack me in the back of the head, smack my hand away from something or grab my arm, or give me that little pinch, along with the mom-look-of-death, if I acted up in public. But I never feared her. She explained everything to me, as to what was wrong and what was right. She made me feel loved and still let me know when I was acting like a jerk.She never left a mark on me and I still learned that there are consequences to being disrespectful.
Cool stuff - I wish you well.
How comforting to know you've met every kid in the world and you can so confidently make that statement. I must have been out when you came by to meet my 9 year old.
To clarify: you really have no idea what any other kid other than your own (if you have some) are like. Stop pretending you can generalise for everyone else.
Last edited:
That sounds like "my kid is so bad, he only behaves if I smack him in the head in regular intervals". And that's complete and utter bullshit. But please, correct me if I've interpreted your post wrong.
Some kids are less easygoing then others. But when you've come upon a point where nothing works except a spanking, then you'd better start finding other ways to deal with it. Spanking is never the answer. Spanking is nothing more then losing your control because you see no other way out, you see no other option to deal with the behavior of the child. But there are always options -- you just have to find them. Usually spanking doesn't even work -- it only looks like it does, since the child is too damn afraid to do or say anything back. Until he/she hits puberty, and then the problems really begin.
If spanking a child isn't due to a overwhelming feeling of powerlessness, then the parent simply has no love for the child. No matter how bad a child may act, if you feel perfectly comfortable hitting him into submission, you're better off finding some adoptive parents for the kid as soon as possible.
To clarify: I'm talking about spanking here. Not a one-time slap because the child has really stepped over the line or something like that. Anyone makes mistakes, children and parents alike. But when I talk about spanking, I talk about regularly hitting a child, for example on the butt, with your hands, in absence of better methods of parenting. Knocking a child on the head or using tools is no longer spanking, that's clear physical abuse and the parents should be immediately and permanently castrated if that ever happens, with the child(ren) taken away from them.
I don't think aftermath means there's anything wrong with his nine-year-old, he's just taking issue with the generalisations being made, because that's what they are - generalisations, since no-one has ever investigated every nine-year-old.
I'm not re-entering the argument about spanking, just wanted to defend aftermath's kid
I'm not re-entering the argument about spanking, just wanted to defend aftermath's kid
Why is the generalizations thing even coming up? Of course they are generalizations; no kid is alike. However, the argument that some kids do need spanking while others don't is not an argument at all. No matter how bad the behavior of the kid is, I don't think any kid reacts positively on spanking. Different, yes. But a kid that reacts poorly to most stimuli but gives a submissive attitude when spanked doesn't mean that spanking is what such a kid needs.
As a father of 5 (ages 3-12) and husband of a child care provider, I know a little about child discipline. You make a very important point here. Every child is different. Some of my children respond well to words and tone of voice. For some of my children, the worst thing in the world is for them to know they've disappointed me. Others don't care at all. Taking away privileges works with some, not with others. The fact is, there is no "right" way to teach children proper behavior. Some methods are better than others, but there is no method that will work with every child. For some children, judiciously applied spanking is occasionally necessary.
This is about one of the most intelligent and unbiased responses I've read so far. (I'm not saying there sren't others, just pointing out this is one of them
)
EXACTLY I don't think aftermath means there's anything wrong with his nine-year-old, he's just taking issue with the generalisations being made, because that's what they are - generalisations, since no-one has ever investigated every nine-year-old.
I'm not re-entering the argument about spanking, just wanted to defend aftermath's kid
This study shows that the more you spank your kid the lower his/her IQ compared to others his age.
Spanking is bad for kids. There's no way around that.
Mr Awe
Spanking is a quick fix that has long term consequences as multiple studies have shown. There may not be one "right" way for all kids but spanking is wrong for all kids. If you think you've gotten to a point where there's no alternative other than spanking, then you haven't thought it through enough, looked for alternatives, etc.
Generally speaking (e.g. not refering to posters in this thread), spanking is for lazy parents who are either not interested or not bright enough to look for alternate solutions and the root the cause of the problem. Spanking is for parents who just want to smack their kid and be done with it, and feel powerful in the process. Of course, nothing has been solved, and they're damaging their kids self-esteem, socially, and intellectually in the process of this "quick fix".
Mr Awe
I don't think aftermath means there's anything wrong with his nine-year-old, he's just taking issue with the generalisations being made, because that's what they are - generalisations, since no-one has ever investigated every nine-year-old.
I'm not re-entering the argument about spanking, just wanted to defend aftermath's kid
This study shows that the more you spank your kid the lower his/her IQ compared to others his age.
Spanking is bad for kids. There's no way around that.
Mr Awe
To quote The West Wing "post hoc ergo propter hoc" - after it, therefore because of it. Something that's almost never true but nearly always is the basis for parenting "studies". Unless you took a family of twins, spanked one and not the other you can't prove anything.
I'm going to end up sounding like I'm defending spanking which I most certainly am not, but nothing raises my stress levels more than articles where researchers spout off that this action by the parent causes this reaction in the child, when there is never any actual proof.
Thing is, this is one of those subjects where people will immediately jump up and down and shout "You are wrong!" Studies or not.
I've tried to be impartial in my posts, but anyone who says something that others don't want to hear turns into finger pointing and high horsing. With, I'd assume, a hint of jumping to conclusions.
