Cooking Abomination!! XD

[Azlynn]

I would like to hear an explanation, though. From those of you who *can* cook. How the hell do scrambled eggs appear in the middle of a pudding mixture? This was a long time ago, but I do remember I put in the exact ingredients the recipe called for. How could I have fucked up that badly? What did I do wrong?

I'm assuming you were at the point of either just adding the eggs, or cooking the mixture on the stove?

When adding eggs to something warmer, the eggs need to be heated first by adding some of the warmer mixture to them. This also makes a difference in that as you're cooking it, they don't tend to cook into chunks. Eggs need a gradual rise in temperature, and too much heat can also cause it.

It's very common, and happens to a lot of people. A lot of people end up sieving (straining) puddings and custards.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

When I was a kid, my grandmother and I tried to make a chocolate mousse. It was a disaster from start to finish.

I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember her starting by saying, "First we need [some number] cups of milk," and promptly pouring the milk into her sugar bowl. Then, replacing the sugar, she managed to lose hold of the bag and poured sugar all over the kitchen table.

The final result was anything but mousselike - it was soup in the refrigerator, and harder than granite if we put it in the freezer. The strange thing is that I'm pretty sure we were following the recipe fairly closely.

 

[JustKate]

I once tried to make pudding from scratch. Epic fail.

For some reason - and to this day I have absolutely no idea how this happened - scrambled eggs appeared as if by magic. I took that as a sign that I should never attempt this again.

I would like to hear an explanation, though. From those of you who *can* cook. How the hell do scrambled eggs appear in the middle of a pudding mixture? This was a long time ago, but I do remember I put in the exact ingredients the recipe called for. How could I have fucked up that badly? What did I do wrong?

I know, I know! At least I have pretty good idea. Azlynn is right. What happened is that you didn't "temper" your eggs. Eggs cook really quickly, as you probably know, and so when you add them to a hot mix of some kind, such as a pudding mixture, you need to warm up the egg mixture a bit so that the eggs can be incorporated into the rest of the ingredients before they cook.

The way to do this is to:
1. Beat the eggs in a separate bowl and get them to the desired consistency.
2. With a spoon or with your whisk, take a small amount of the hot mixture that you're planning to add the eggs to, but instead add it to the egg mixture. Stir it in immediately and thoroughly.
3. Take a little more of the hot mixture, add it to the egg mixture, stir it in immediately and thoroughly.
4. Take a little bit more of the hot mixture, add it to the egg mixture, stir it in immediately and thoroughly.
5. Now that the eggs are warmed up a little bit, you can add them to the hot mixture, but you need to stir them in gradually, mixing constantly. Make sure you get them thoroughly incorporated.

Here's a nice little video from Better Homes & Gardens: http://www.bhg.com/videos/m/21882551/tempering-eggs.htm

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I'm assuming you were at the point of either just adding the eggs, or cooking the mixture on the stove?

yep.

When adding eggs to something warmer, the eggs need to be heated first by adding some of the warmer mixture to them.

So how do you prevent the eggs from scrambling when you do that?

JustKate: Many thanks, but I think I will stick with the pre-made mixes. Much less risk of burning my house down if I do that.

(This thing with the pudding from scratch - that happened in 1995, and I haven't attempted it since...)

 

[Holdfast]

When adding eggs to something warmer, the eggs need to be heated first by adding some of the warmer mixture to them.

So how do you prevent the eggs from scrambling when you do that?

The small amount of hot you add to the cold dissipates quickly through it, so it doesn't curdle.

Don't you people ever watch a TV cookery programme?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Don't you people ever watch a TV cookery programme?

You're talking to somebody who would quite happily eat baseball park hotdogs for the rest of Earthly existence.

 

[Holdfast]

Don't you people ever watch a TV cookery programme?

You're talking to somebody who would quite happily eat baseball park hotdogs for the rest of Earthly existence.

Point taken. You wouldn't want to watch a TV programme showing you what they're made of.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I also love cheesesteaks.

 

[Timby]

I discovered, the hard way, that even though they look similar to one another and no matter how much you wish it to be so after the fact, Liquid Smoke will never, ever be vanilla extract.

Those were some unfortunately flavored cookies that night.

 

[Gepard]

The worst cooking mistake I ever made was when I tried to make cream of broccoli soup from scratch, shortly after I'd moved out of my parent's place for the first time. Since I didn't have a blender, I decided it would be a good idea to leave the soup on the "warm" setting of the stove overnight, sort of like a crock pot to soften it all up into mush. Bad. Idea. I woke up the next morning to find it had burned into a smokey black gel fused to the bottom of the pot. I spent three months soaking the pot in hot water to try to soften it up and scrape it out of there, and eventually just had to throw the cookware in the dumpster.

 

[Timby]

I've had some pretty amazing experiences in the kitchen. A few years back, I learned the hard way that if you put the flame to an alcohol-rich sauce right after adding said alcohol, you'll get a cool little blue flame on the saucepan--but if you allow a few seconds worth of alcohol to vaporize while fumbling with the torch, you will get a column of flame in your kitchen that is truly spectacular. Holding a straight face while claiming "that's what I meant to do" was never so hard. That said, don't add alcohol to the saucepan directly from the bottle. The stream of booze can catch on fire, leaving you holding an exploding bottle, and picking glass shards out of your skin and mise en place.

I also tried to boil an egg in the microwave once. The egg exploded with enough force to blow open the door of the microwave and sprayed scalding hot egg goo in a six-foot radius. (I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)

I think my ultimate kitchen abortion came when I started frying up a pound of bacon, without washing the pan from the last time I made bacon in it. Stepped away for a few minutes, returned to the kitchen to see massive flames. I actually wound up chucking the flaming pan off my second-floor balcony. (Which was an awesome thought process, looking back: "Oh, shit, the pan's on fire ... what do I do? I know! Launch it off the balcony, possibly killing / immolating / bashing passers-by? Brilliant!")

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.

 

[Gepard]

(I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)

Like, just put an egg in the rack and go? Because that's awesome.

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.

What? I'd think that would spice things up!

...ow. Stop throwing things.

 

[Plecostomus]

(I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)

Details?

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.

Indeed. Been there... done that...

 

[Timby]

Like, just put an egg in the rack and go? Because that's awesome.

Wrap it in foil (and I also recommend not using any soap in the cycle, just to be sure), put it in the rack and tally-ho.

 

[auntiehill]

I watched my Mom poach a salmon that way. Wrapped it in tin foil (several times) and put it in the top rack and turned on the dishwasher. It worked, actually. No soap, no other dishes in it---just turned on hot wash.

My hubby, in his brilliance, decided to make meatloaf one night, even though we had NOTHING in the house but ketchup, one egg and ground beef. So, to make it stick together, he crushed up a whole box of Cheez-Its and used it instead of cornmeal or breadcrumbs. It was fairly vile, and I tease him about it to this day.

And then there was the time hubby wanted brined pork chops. No problem, right? Well, it was, when instead of putting in sugar and salt, I got distracted and put the salt in TWICE. And I didn't realize it until we were actually eating it.

BLEH.

 

[Timby]

And then there was the time hubby wanted brined pork chops. No problem, right? Well, it was, when instead of putting in sugar and salt, I got distracted and put the salt in TWICE. And I didn't realize it until we were actually eating it.

BLEH.

Reminds me of the time when, oh, I was ten years old or so, and put two cups of salt into mashed potatoes, instead of teaspoons.

Sweet Christ, that was horrible.

 

[Gepard]

Not quite as horrible, but when I was a kid, before learning the ways of notation, I took the "3/4 cup milk" instruction on the side of a packet of oatmeal to mean "3 or 4 cups." So I made oatmeal with 4 cups of milk. Yay.

 

[Australis]

You guys have it easy. This is nothin', nothin', I tells ya.

Baked beans in tomato sauce.

How will we spice them up? says No 1 son. Oh, I know, says SO. Sweet and sour sauce.

Not a good day. The word inedible doesn't even start to describe it.

That is all.

 

[Gepard]

^It's odd. That sounds like it could work. My faith in food has been shaken.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I can only imagine how bad the farts must have been that night.