Changing last name after marriage: Who takes whose?

[JustKate]

^ She still had a choice, Squire. She could have chosen not to marry you. For that matter, though I would not recommend this, she could have married you and then refused to change her name after the wedding...or changed it and then changed it back a few years later. You actually would have no control over this, because she has the choice.

Me, even though I did choose to take my husband's name, I would have thought a lot less of him if he'd made it a requirement.

And Tachyon Shield, family pride and history are great, but what you don't seem to realize is that when you marry, there are at least two families involved - two separate family histories and family prides.

 

[SeerSGB]

I'm not presenting it like that, i'm just expressing my personal opinion.

You are, though, IMO. See?

She didn't need a choice

Again, I agree with your general notion insofar as that I'd want my wife to take my name (and fiance has already said she is planning to), but you're presenting it in such a way as to imply that it's mandatory, or that women should have no say in the matter, which isn't right. Even if they end up deciding to take your name, they still get a choice...

Not necessarily. If my wife had not taken my name I would not have married her. I'm sure many men feel that way too.

See I don't get that line of thought: If you love her enough to propose, why let something like what she wants to call herself be a issue? Seems to me letting something like that break up a couple is just the person looking for an excuse to bug out of the relationship.

"What's in a name?

Family History and pride.

Yet isn't part of marriage starting a new life together and forge your own family and own history.

 

[Scout101]

So, if all other things were equal, but she decided she wanted to keep her name (especially coming from a different cultural background), you'd have left her over it?

Guess some things are more important than love!

Me? I'd be a little hurt/upset for a while, but eventually get over it, as the theory is that love is the most important thing in the relationship, and that you'd do anything to be with each other. If something like that (or general issues of obedience/subservience) was a deal breaker, I'd be concerned about the rest of the relationship...

 

[JustKate]

Well, Scout and Sith, I don't think it's quite fair to summarize Squire's position in quite that way. I've known some guys (though I've never married one ) who hold the same opinion he does, and for them, having their wives agree to take their names is sort of a test - a test of what kind of person she is. They want to marry women who value the tradition as much as they do.

And if it's that important to them, they probably should, actually. I must point out, though, that they are taking a chance in making this such a definitive test. Who's to say she'll feel the same way in 10 years' time?

 

[SeerSGB]

Seems to be a rather trivial test. I would think her saying yes and not cheating on you would probably be a pretty good bench mark. As for the concept of testing a spouse, frankly I hate those type of games, always have always will, and would never in a million years "test" my wife. I see a "Test" as a mark of distrust and disrespectful to the person as an individual. to me, it's like saying "Okay, I deem you worthy of being my wife cause you passed my test".

 

[JustKate]

^ "Test" is my word and my interpretation - it may not be a really fair one, Sith.

But I wonder about it too. What if she's a perfectly wonderful wife, but 10 years or 20 years in, she decides for some reason or other that she wants to do something a bit different? I mean, my parents were married for more than 35 years - right up until Dad died, actually. But Dad (who was 18 years older than my mother - perhaps this was a factor) was a bit upset when Mom stopped signing things Mrs. John Doe and started signing them Mrs. Mary E. Doe. Even though she was using his last name and in fact still does, it bothered him.

People are funny.

 

[SeerSGB]

See I've started using my wife's last name on anything doesn't require a legal binding signature. So my full name is now 1st name Middle name wife's family-name--my family name. And oh-bother you can bet the tongues are wagging From "cool, romantic, and smart move" to "Oh my god, you're disrespecting your family!!!!". Oddly more women have been pissed than men, the latter seeing it as no big deal to smart move from a immigration stand point (establishing ties and all that noise), while the former [the women] are much more wound up over tradition and "pissing on the family".

They really going to be pissed, considering me and the wife are going to use her family name if our next kid is a boy; and that once I leave the USA I'm legally changing my last name just to her

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Well, Scout and Sith, I don't think it's quite fair to summarize Squire's position in quite that way. I've known some guys (though I've never married one ) who hold the same opinion he does, and for them, having their wives agree to take their names is sort of a test - a test of what kind of person she is. They want to marry women who value the tradition as much as they do.

And if it's that important to them, they probably should, actually. I must point out, though, that they are taking a chance in making this such a definitive test. Who's to say she'll feel the same way in 10 years' time?

That's exactly what it is. I wanted to marry a traditionalist because I believe they make the family unit stronger. The family having the man's name is part of this. At least for us.

 

[SeerSGB]

Well, Scout and Sith, I don't think it's quite fair to summarize Squire's position in quite that way. I've known some guys (though I've never married one ) who hold the same opinion he does, and for them, having their wives agree to take their names is sort of a test - a test of what kind of person she is. They want to marry women who value the tradition as much as they do.

And if it's that important to them, they probably should, actually. I must point out, though, that they are taking a chance in making this such a definitive test. Who's to say she'll feel the same way in 10 years' time?

That's exactly what it is. I wanted to marry a traditionalist because I believe they make the family unit stronger. The family having the man's name is part of this. At least for us.

Yet, what makes the "man's name" stronger over using the woman's? Seems a bit of outdated thinking.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Seems to be a rather trivial test. I would think her saying yes and not cheating on you would probably be a pretty good bench mark. As for the concept of testing a spouse, frankly I hate those type of games, always have always will, and would never in a million years "test" my wife. I see a "Test" as a mark of distrust and disrespectful to the person as an individual. to me, it's like saying "Okay, I deem you worthy of being my wife cause you passed my test".

I agree with you. It's not a test at all though. It's a requirement, just as she had a requirement that I want children.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Well, Scout and Sith, I don't think it's quite fair to summarize Squire's position in quite that way. I've known some guys (though I've never married one ) who hold the same opinion he does, and for them, having their wives agree to take their names is sort of a test - a test of what kind of person she is. They want to marry women who value the tradition as much as they do.

And if it's that important to them, they probably should, actually. I must point out, though, that they are taking a chance in making this such a definitive test. Who's to say she'll feel the same way in 10 years' time?

That's exactly what it is. I wanted to marry a traditionalist because I believe they make the family unit stronger. The family having the man's name is part of this. At least for us.

Yet, what makes the "man's name" stronger over using the woman's? Seems a bit of outdated thinking.

Tradition is why we use the man's name. If the tradition were reversed we'd use the woman's. That's what traditions are all about.

 

[SeerSGB]

That's exactly what it is. I wanted to marry a traditionalist because I believe they make the family unit stronger. The family having the man's name is part of this. At least for us.

Yet, what makes the "man's name" stronger over using the woman's? Seems a bit of outdated thinking.

Tradition is why we use the man's name. If the tradition were reversed we'd use the woman's. That's what traditions are all about.

Cause it's "Tradition" is seldom a good reason to do something. A lot of traditions are outdated ideals, at best, meaningless at worst.

 

[iguana_tonante]

That's what traditions are all about.

Arguing over stupid shit?

 

[Shaw]

And Tachyon Shield, family pride and history are great, but what you don't seem to realize is that when you marry, there are at least two families involved - two separate family histories and family prides.

Well, apparently he didn't read the post he was quoting from.

I'm the only Shaw in my family (other than my wife), and the quote from Romeo and Juliet was in relation to my feelings for my wife not being dependent on what her name is.

I'm guessing that Tachyon Shield doesn't believe in that type of unconditional love.

 

[Kestra]

Cause it's "Tradition" is seldom a good reason to do something. A lot of traditions are outdated ideals, at best, meaningless at worst.

That's what traditions are all about.

Arguing over stupid shit?

Some people do take comfort, pride, whatever ... in traditions. I believe that many people follow traditions not simply out of pressure, but because they personally find more comfort in it as well.

And Tachyon Shield, family pride and history are great, but what you don't seem to realize is that when you marry, there are at least two families involved - two separate family histories and family prides.

Well, apparently he didn't read the post he was quoting from.

I'm the only Shaw in my family (other than my wife), and the quote from Romeo and Juliet was in relation to my feelings for my wife not being dependent on what her name is.

I'm guessing that Tachyon Shield doesn't believe in that type of unconditional love.

Well, unconditional love is a different thing. One might love someone and still not wish to marry her. In choosing a partner for life, there are things to consider beyond love. And while I do think that this whole naming situation should not be a dealbreaker, it's obvious that everyone has their own standards. True unconditional love is rare, and most relationships are dependent on at least some conditions.

 

[SeerSGB]

Cause it's "Tradition" is seldom a good reason to do something. A lot of traditions are outdated ideals, at best, meaningless at worst.

Arguing over stupid shit?

Some people do take comfort, pride, whatever ... in traditions. I believe that many people follow traditions not simply out of pressure, but because they personally find more comfort in it as well.

And Tachyon Shield, family pride and history are great, but what you don't seem to realize is that when you marry, there are at least two families involved - two separate family histories and family prides.

Well, apparently he didn't read the post he was quoting from.

I'm the only Shaw in my family (other than my wife), and the quote from Romeo and Juliet was in relation to my feelings for my wife not being dependent on what her name is.

I'm guessing that Tachyon Shield doesn't believe in that type of unconditional love.

Well, unconditional love is a different thing. One might love someone and still not wish to marry her. In choosing a partner for life, there are things to consider beyond love. And while I do think that this whole naming situation should not be a dealbreaker, it's obvious that everyone has their own standards. True unconditional love is rare, and most relationships are dependent on at least some conditions.

I've only ever had one hard and fast condition in a relationship: No cheating. Amazing how many people actually have a problem with sticking to that one.

 

[JustKate]

Well, unconditional love is a different thing. One might love someone and still not wish to marry her. In choosing a partner for life, there are things to consider beyond love. And while I do think that this whole naming situation should not be a dealbreaker, it's obvious that everyone has their own standards. True unconditional love is rare, and most relationships are dependent on at least some conditions.

Yeah. I mean, you're talking about a life together here (at least that's what I'm talking about, and the other posters seem be talking about the same thing) - and "life" doesn't just mean "the period of time that makes up the rest of my life." You're talking about all the things that make up that life: where you live, what you do for a living, children, in-laws, vacations, house cleanliness standards, religion, finances...everything. So there had better be some conditions. You might love him/her with your whole heart, but if you don't want the same kind of life and and the two of you don't agree on how you are mutually going to try to achieve that life...well, that will NOT be good. At all.

So really, the only discussion is, what constitutes a valid condition? And that's going to vary quite a lot.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Arguing over stupid shit?

Some people do take comfort, pride, whatever ... in traditions. I believe that many people follow traditions not simply out of pressure, but because they personally find more comfort in it as well.

Oh, I know, Kestra. I was just kidding. There are traditions I don't agree with, but I fully I recognize the value and even the necessity of tradition.

However, you can't deny that most traditions are about arguing over some stupid shit.

 

[Kestra]

However, you can't deny that most traditions are about arguing over some stupid shit.

If I deny it, does that mean we can argue some more?

 

[JustKate]

Well, lots of times, traditions are about symbolism...and there are such things as very important symbols.

Edit: And some "stupid shit" symbols as well, of course.