My Star Trek review

[3D Master]

I made my own thread, because it's simply too big to be in the other generic one.


JJ's Trek Wars the movie review. *Spoilers*


This review is written in the stile of the Nostalgia Critic’s (http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic) reviews, because it is so bad, it deserves nothing less.


So, Trek XI came out - and well... it's really bad. Why? Well, let's examine it, shall we?

A ship is flying through space, and a ring of blue fire emerges, through which comes a Shadow Battle Crab from Babylon 5. Huh? Am I watching the right movie? Anyway, I got no clue what the f that ring of blue fire which they call electricity is supposed to be. I suppose you could consider it a wormhole - although it is seriously weird for a wormhole. It certainly doesn’t look anything like Black Hole, so that couldn’t possibly be it. All I got is; the wicked witch from the West created a portal to teleport Dorothy into space to let her suffocate, missed and got his spindly thing instead?

Anyway, we get to see the bridge of the Starfleet ship- Holy, fucking shit! Back that camera up! Back it up, dang it, I can hardly see anyone. And keep it steady! I need to cross my eyes to get one clear picture, jesus. And keep it straight too! Diagonal camera doesn’t make it look more dramatic or something like that, it just hurts my neck craning it to get the picture straight! Now, come down so I can see and thus review the damn content-

Lense flare? Lense Flare inside a bridge!? You only get lense flare with big bright lights, not inside a bridge of a starship!

Maybe if I rewind, and close my eyes I can at least catch the dialogue with my ears. Alright then, there’s a radio transmission and there’s a Romulan or Vulcan on it. Oh, look, they're not surprised by the Romulan's appearance at all, despite the fact that Romulans and Vulcans are the same species and they've never seen a Romulan before. :sighs: Seriously, is the chance that one would acknowledge even a little bit of continuity so horrible and restricting, they couldn't even put in a little surprise and shocked question as to why a Vulcan is attacking their ship!?

So, the Romulan commands the captain over. Captain Robau faces his Kobayashi Maru, a no-win scenario. He's screwed whether he goes or not, but goes, sacrificing himself and hoping his stalling for time allows his ship and crew to find a way to escape. Dang, now that takes balls. So, he goes over to the Romulan's ship, the dude's name is Nero, Robau has no clue what Nero is talking about, and realizing the good captain doesn’t have any use for him, he kills him right there and is done with it.

Oh, goody, we get a space battle . . . Back that camera up, for the gods’ sakes! We can’t see anything that’s going on! Inappropriate lense flares obstruct my view. It’s some vague shapes that maybe a ship, and some stuff is flying around, and some colored li- What the, inside the ship!? Lense flare. Back outside!? Some people running!? More lense flares. All in ridiculous close up!? Outside again!? Which ship is firing what!? I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING! Even more lense flares! How about finishing a damn visual!? Lense flare. Finish? Hell, pull back enough we can actually see a visual! And stop bouncing around like a bunny rabbit on crack, viagra, and red bull!

Okay, so Jim Kirk’s born - it might have been more impressive, if we actually get to see anything, instead of only parts of people because of the constant closeups. My god, the photography, or editing, or both is horrible. George Kirk flies the Kelvin into the Nerada - with a warp nacelle flaring (which they earlier said was inoperative) and the impulse engines doing nothing, how the hell do you manage to make that mistake!? - some explosions, and it limps away. Woop-die-doo; I can’t seem to care, as I’m looking for my aspirin to relieve me of the headache the horrible editing and photography have induced in me.

So, young Kirk is joyriding the “antique” car as his uncle calls it through the hyper modern communications system installed. If he’s so concerned about the antique and its worth; maybe he shouldn’t have desecrated it with a hyper modern communications system ruining it and its worth. Kirk hangs up the call, and is not long after pursued by a police hover bike, it easily catches up to him. Kirk swerves off the road . . . and all the speed and acceleration advantage the cop had just now - is gone. Kirk almost drives off a cliff and jumps. Maybe the ffing police bikes need something installed like a tractor beam or something else, so they can save antique cars from being driven into ravines, innocent pedestrians that maybe driven over by reckless a-holes . . . and oh, yeah, annoying ten-year-old little pricks driving said car.

We switch to Vulcan, somewhat in the past (but they don’t tell you that). Ten-your-old Spock gets badgered by some bullies and then his father comforts him. Wow, I’m in shock, this may actually be a good scene. No potholes, and my god! They didn’t change what we know of Spock’s childhood. What a shocker!

Spock rejecting the Vulcan Science Academy. One more good scene - except for that camera that’s hanging from Spock’s nose - if camera’s didn’t have a zoom function, that’d be the only way to get the camera close enough.

Back to Kirk in a bar now. He’s hitting on Uhura; he’s hitting on her like an arrogant prick and a-hole. Not someone who is simply interested in Uhura’s looks, nope, he has to take the time to make as many obnoxious gestures and voice tones as he can. Perpetually angry a-hole Kirk to the rescue; or in other words: this isn’t Kirk. He’s just prick using a good Kirk’s name. Anyway, some fellow cadets wonder where their drinks are, and notice Kirk bothering Uhura. Fight ensues . . . Did that cadet just hit Kirk, but he went flying back himself!? Again: back the damn camera up! I can’t see anything but blurs. (This is going to go on all movie isn’t it? I’m thinking yes.)

Captain Pike interrupts the fight - sadly, as prick Kirk is righteously getting his bullshit punched out of him. Then he goes to give Kirk a pep talk about how he should be less of an asshole and join Starfleet. Starfleet this, Starfleet that. “You understand what the Federation is, don’t ya? It’s a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada.” Uh . . . what!? No, you bloody MORON! That would be Starfleet. You know the organization you’ve been yapping about that you want Kirk to join? Right, THAT is the peacekeeping, humanitarian, AND EXPLORATION armada. (You know, “to EXPLORE strange new worlds, to SEEK OUT new life and new civilizations, TO BOLDLY GO where no man has gone before!?” I don’t see ‘peacekeeping’ anywhere in that Enterprise mission-statement, but the exploration, yeah, big time. So let’s drop the exploration, heh, it’ll be fun!) Now the Federation would be the inter-planetary and inter-species organization that employs Starfleet. It seems these morons never proofread their script - which explains a lot.

Kirk takes the bait, and goes to join Starfleet, driving up to a ship in construction . . . ON THE GROUND!? ON THE GROUND!? Let’s count all the ways you could die in less than a few seconds on the ground:

1. You trip, you fall, you go splat.

2. Working in the anti-grav field that keeps the ship up; you get a bump and sent flying away, until you go outside of the anti-grav field, rapidly drop to the ground, and you go splat.

3. The power supplies temporarily malfunctions - everything that is held up by power hungry anti-grav systems, come crashing down, including the ship, and all the workers, who all go splat.

4. The anti-gravity systems itself malfunction - the same thing happens.

5. The magnetic or gravity boots that allow you to walk on the hull while there’s no gravity there from anti-gravity devices, malfunction. See 2 for the results.

6. Transportation system of large beams may malfunction, it crashes, crushing people.

7. Somebody mishandles the above, making the beams slide off - same problem.

And I could probably think of lots more if I really take my time. Now, how about any quick deaths in space that can’t happen on the ground . . . yeah, I got nothing. Even naked you will survive minutes in space before you die, a slight malfunction in your space suit would allow you to survive for hours no doubt - more than enough for someone to beam you in. Radiation is no problem - a planet’s magnetosphere helps with that, and suits would be radiation proof. Micro-meteorites? Nah, the same thing that deflects those away from ships - navigational shields - could also be set up to protect the space dock and everyone living there. Systems shutting down, tethers snapping? There is nothing there to give anything great acceleration - like say, gravity, dun, dun, dun - the ship and beams and stuff will simply continue to float there. No danger.

So, building in space is far safer (not to mention cheaper, more efficient, less fuel use as you don’t need to move materials all the way down to the planet, and any space stations, workers, people and space docks would still be around from the time that we didn’t have anti-gravity, so why put in all the extra effort and money to build a ground-based construction dock!?)

Let’s think, let’s think. Not enough people to do the construction? That can’t be it; there’d still be all those people who live in space stations, descendants of all those people who built ships in space before anti-gravity . . . unless;

a. They never built in space,

b. They never lived in space, thus no tourism in space,

c. Humanity is too apathetic about space to go into, not even to work there.

d. Humanity, either through bad education, or deliberate miss education is irrationally afraid of space, and except for a tiny few, won’t go there, not even to work.

The result is a horrifying dystopian future, and a humanity that would never go out and explore the universe, never build the Federation, and have no colony worlds, no city on the moon, no terraformed Mars, etc. etc. See here, the heart of Star Trek, see the stake that the writers and directors wielded, see it being stabbed into the heart of Star Trek.

So, Kirk arrives at the shuttle that’ll take him to the Academy, and he meets Leonard McCoy, who tells Kirk that one little hole in the shuttle will have their blood boiling in 13 seconds. Hmm, you know, this bad education or miss education thing above seems spot on. Nope, one little hole in the shuttle won’t even cause all the air to leave the ship in 13 seconds, let alone make their blood boil. That’ll take quite a bit longer.

Three Years Later

The spindly ship moves through space, and then we get to see Nero - no, we get to see a small part of Nero’s face. Has any movie ever, had this many ridiculous extreme close ups? The guy who allowed his planet to be destroyed comes through another magic mirror portal - whatever the hell it is supposed to be. And it’s Spock. Nero says he’s not going to kill him, he’s going to make him watch.

Skip to the Academy. Kirk is going to take the Kobayashi Maru test for a third time. Cut to the room of a green woman. Wow, unless this is an entirely different green-skinned species, this would be an Orion Animal Woman or Orion Slave Girl. Because after all, no Star Trek movie or episode would be complete with Kirk bedding a green space girl . . . yeah, no, it’s cheap, and it’s ridiculous. Because unlike popular bullshit, Kirk didn’t actually bed all that many women - least of all casually, but hey, this is new and improved a-hole Kirk, so he can do what all the myths say about him! Yay! The green chick says she might love Kirk, she says it’s weird. Her roommate arrives and Kirk has to hide, because the green girl is all nervous, because she promised she wouldn’t bring anymore guys over. So, what about the whole love thing that Kirk didn’t have to bother with? Of course not, because after all, who would possibly want to see some character development and interaction, right? Nah, no one; big ‘splosions is all people want to see!

Oh, and look. The green-skinned woman acts like a completely ordinary human flustered female, who’s afraid of her roommate. Remember the original Star Trek reality? All those aliens that rather seemed too human, usually one aspect of humanity - but at least they would try to make them somehow unhuman, and alien? It seems we done away with that bullshit altogether. Nope, in the new reality, we’re not going to try to make the few lacking things in Star Trek better, we’re going to make them WORSE! Green-skinned girl? Totally human! Of course, the Orion Animal women of Star Trek, would have told her roommate to fuck off with her judgmental bullshit about the essence of the Orion species; and if the roommate had more thinks to say; she’d scratch her eyes out and slam her up against the wall. They’re not called animal women for nothing you see.

Uhura, the roommate apparently, walks in. And she picked up a distress call from the Klingon prison planet! 47 ships destroyed. 47 ships!? Shit, you might wanna send that up to Starfleet command! Anything that can destroy 47 Klingon warships could be a massive threat to the Federation as well. Do you think she will or did? Hmm, we’ll see.

Kobayashi Maru test! Let’s take a moment and imagine how the original Kirk, mostly a nerd, very smart, and lots of hard work would have done it. He’s a decent person, a good hard-working guy. If he reprogrammed the simulation, would he have done it blatantly and obviously, then gone through the simulation flippantly, and disrespectfully? Would he have reprogrammed the simulation somehow all alone? Or would he have done it with several other people helping him - showing his future command stature? Would he have allowed himself to beat the simulation but still with hard work? And would he have acted through the simulation seriously? Yeah, the old Kirk, a good Kirk, a Kirk that is a genuine hero, would do the latter.

So how about the new and improved a-hole Kirk? Yep, he’s being a total asshat about it, the Klingon ships’s shields just drop, their weapons fire does nothing to the simulated ship. Ooh, Spock created the simulation. And the admiral has to ask how Kirk did it!? And Spock doesn’t know!? It’s probably just me, but the Klingons’ shields just failing, weapons doing nothing, totally counter to the program, my immediate theory would be: he reprogrammed the scenario. But maybe it’s just me, and I’m smarter than Spock. Or the writers wrote everyone in this movie as a bunch total buffoons and morons - I’m pretty confident about my intelligence, but I’m going with the latter. This movie . . . words fail me at the moment.

Hold on a moment. 47 Klingon ships; let me guess that was the Nerada. It couldn’t possibly be anything else. I’m cheating a little here, but the ship didn’t just happen to pass by the planet and got attacked; they rescued Nero from the planet. This of course means, a. not showing the scene where Nero is rescued from Rura Penthe is a huge pothole, and b. the scene is a pothole in and of itself. Could someone please tell me how in HELL the Klingons managed to capture Nero would blowing his ship sky-high!? Either George Kirk hurt the Nerada enough the Klingons could hurt it and however capture Nero, which would mean they’d blown it up, or the ship wasn’t hurt enough, and the Klingons got blown to bits - and most certainly wouldn’t be able to capture and imprison Nero. It’s a classic case of you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Now we have a hearing because Kirk cheated. Spock explains the Kobayashi Maru test; it’s to make you experience fear at your certain death, and teach you to control yourself, thus you are better if it happens for real. And Kirk? Well, buffoon Kirk hadn’t thought that far ahead, and can’t come up with anything on the spot either - so much for his genius! He was just being an arrogant jerk who thought he was clever and figured it all out. Now, what would the original Kirk have said. Hmm, ah! “That is a flawed assumption. One should not learn to accept death, certain or not. Should a captain accept defeat, a captain sends his ship and crew to that death, when there might have been a way out, a way to win; if only he continued searching for a way, to never give up. Besides, it’s a simulation, and everyone knows it’s a simulation - nobody will feel any fear at all. If you wanted them to feel fear and learn to stay in control - you should be giving them the test without them knowing they’re being given the test. Only if they think it is real, could they possibly feel fear.” A-hole buffoon Kirk or original competent Kirk? Which do you think makes the better captain, not to mention character? I’m going with the latter.

:Continued in next part:

 

[Borgminister]

Sheliak's is better.

 

[Fish1941]

Why did Nero attack the U.S.S. Kelvin? And what was he doing during the next twenty years? And why are there canyons in Iowa?

 

[DonIago]

Ranty Review is Ranty.

 

[Kpnuts]

Why did Nero attack the U.S.S. Kelvin?

Because he didn't like the Federation much? Because Robau didn't give him any useful info?

And what was he doing during the next twenty years?

Spending time in a Klingon prison

And why are there canyons in Iowa?

It was a quarry.

 

[3D Master]

Conveniently there’s a distress call from Vulcan and all the cadets have to get to starships - as the primary fleet is busy in the Laurentian system. So, cadets have to go to a hangar? Which begs the question, what happened to the secondary fleet, and the tertiary . . . actually forget that. What I want to know is; what the HELL is going in the Laurentian system that requires an ENTIRE fleet to be there!? Not to mention can NOT go to Vulcan, NOR does it bother with that one ship that destroyed 47 Klingon ships. You’d guess it’d be rather important to go there - unless Uhura told no one but her roommate, and she’s forsaken her duty - and no one else in the entire Federation 8,000 lightyears across, with countless billions if not trillions of people detected the same signal. So, Laurentian system? Are the Borg attacking? Is the Federation at war with the Kzinty!? Or maybe the Vorlons, after seeing the Nerada, have decided to crossover from the B5-universe to make the Federation’s life a living hell for harboring a Shadow ship? Seriously: WHAT!? I’m guessing that whatever is going on in the Larentian system - if it’s written by a different writer (team) than the one that’s writing this movie - is a HELL of a lot more interesting, coherent, and intelligent than this junk. Of course, if I got to see that, this movie wouldn’t exist but a. it does, and b. I’m obviously not that lucky.

The hangar; Kirk’s name isn’t called. He asks why; he’s on academic suspension. But McCoy has a plan. We switch to Uhura who is assigned to the USS Faragut. Uhura doesn’t like it and goes to find Spock. She talks about how good she is and how she’s the best student he has. And Spock says he wanted to avoid the appearance of favoritism. Huh? Uhura: “No, I’m assigned to the Enterprise.” Spock (making a change on a pad): “Yes, I believe you are.”

.

.

.

What!? What the flying F!?

Didn’t Uhura only just have a problem with her green roommate for having sex!? And she’s doing an instructor!? Ooh! How horrible, your roommate has a healthy sex life and enjoys being with fellow academy students! But doing an instructor is a-ok! That must have been her problem with the green chick; you’re having sex with students, you dumbass; doing an instructor gets you better grades! This does not compute! Totally inconsistent characterization. But the problems with this scene don’t end there, oh, no:

Ensigns get to order Commanders now? All she did was tell Spock bloody obvious information he already knew, and then ordered him she was on the Enterprise - and he caved!? How about pointing out some logic: “That is illogical, Spock, if you were worried about appearances, you should not have started a relationship with a student to begin with.” And the best part of her saying this sentence; it also gives at least a hint at the reason why they may be together; she is smart and intellectual as Spock is, and has at times out reasoned him, defeating his logic with her own. But now, she just gives him an order.

Which gets us to the problem with this scene! Where’s the GOD DAMN character development!? This is Spock we’re talking about here. Spock who wouldn’t look at a woman unless his mind was screwed up by either the Pon Farr or some alien drug! Why in fucking hell is the guy not only suddenly in a relationship with a woman, but with ONE OF HIS STUDENTS! Let me use this ridiculous scene to formulate a theory: hmm . . . he’s a, a secret masochist . . . who likes it when women order him around . . . and spank him, so he has a human fetish induced quasi Pon Farr that shuts down his logic and he can’t resist a dominant woman like Uhura? This writing is abysmal! I repeat: where’s the character development!? Spock choosing to do one of his students is material enough you can fill a novel, two entire movies, and easily a season worth of episodes with it - or at the very least a third and major part of a movie! Instead, the writers just snap their fingers, and by their fiat Spock and his student Uhura are in a relationship. THIS IS HORRIBLE WRITING!

Onward to the next scene. McCoy pumps Kirk full of something, causing him to have symptoms allowing him to smuggle him onboard. They fly off, and McCoy impressed with something points out a view to Kirk. Huh? Didn’t we only just have a scene where McCoy was irrationally scared to death of flying in space? Now he’s happily pointing things out in space? Oh, let’s just look at the view. Uhm, what’s that supposed to be? It looks like a misshapen cobbled together from multiple decades turd pushed out through a constipated a-hole, causing the damn parts to be shifted back and forth wrongly. It’s ugly as all hell! It’s the Enterprise!? Well, they nicely screwed the pooch on that one.

McCoy avoids Spock, and we follow him too . . . AAAHH!! I’m blind, I’m blind! It’s the ffing iBridge, and it’s so bright my eyes hurt just looking at it. Are the set makers totally incompetent or something? And more lens flares EVERYWHERE! The damn thing was bright enough to hurt my eyes without them, with them, I have the urge to scoop my eyeballs out, they hurt so much - not to mention, you can’t see half the screen because it’s obscured by CGI lens flares. Ugh.

After some stupid jokes that are nowhere remotely funny, the Enterprise and other ships of this task force, I suppose, are finally away at warp, and Ensign Checkov speaks to the whole ship. Uhm, isn’t this usually the captain’s job - how the hell does Ensign Checkov who looks young enough suck candy canes even know this shit? At his youth I’m thinking he’s just graduate of the Academy like most everyone else; so how does he know all this? Anyway, there was a lightning storm in space somewhere - oh, so that’s what they’re calling the witch’s magical portal. Anyway, we can now be damn certain this phenomenon is most certainly not a black hole. A short while later the Vulcan High Command detected seismic activity. Seismic activity - Earthquakes - and that’s what they signaled to Earth; I’m getting a bad feeling about this. They’re there in under three minutes - I’m getting more bad feelings about this.

Kirk hears the speech. Lightning storm in space! And he suddenly realizes something . . . uh, what!? Oh, I get it, he remembers his mother telling him about the lightning storm in space at his birth, so the lightning storm MUST be another one of the same things . . . the portal that Spock came through. And the Enterprise is now apparently flying into a trap . . .

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!! First of all; it isn’t like there are lightning storms in space all over right? Wrong, yes, they are all over the place. Lightning storms occur in nebulas; and that’s just the beginning with the whole slew of subspace anomalies that exist in Star Trek. There is NOTHING to suggest both lightning storms are the same thing. Even if they are, there is NOTHING to suggest the same ship that came through the first would be at the second! Indeed, the only reason it was even there, is because its crew knew Spock would come through it and they wanted to capture him to make him suffer! So essentially linking the storm to the ship that killed his father is DEAD WRONG, he only got LUCKY it was there for other reasons. Then, he’s somehow decided that Vulcan’s seismic activity is caused by the same ship, and “It’s a trap.” Uh . . . whaaayyy? The ship could have flown into the opposite direction as Vulcan and never get anywhere near it! There is not a single shred of evidence to hint at a connection between the two, at all!

So, Kirk asks the computer, where crew member Uhura is. How the fuck does he know there’s a crew member Uhura!? There were multiple ships, she could have been on any one of them. Indeed! We only just had a scene where Uhura ordered her boyfriend to put her on the Enterprise. If she hadn’t done that, she wouldn’t BE on the Enterprise; so how does Kirk know she’s a crew member!? Well, bloody hell; two gaping potholes in less then thirty seconds, I wonder if it can get it up to three as the above scene between Spock & Uhura.

Kirk, still suffering from McCoy’s injection, rushes through the ship with the latter hot on his tail giving him more injections to counter his first. It’s supposed to be funny, I suppose, but it isn’t. It’s just forced juvenile emptiness, that comes nowhere close to being funny. Even if it were, it completely goes against the critical haste of the scene! It’s a mess.

Kirk finds Uhura, and he asks her who was responsible for the 47 destroyed Klingon ships, whether it’s a Romulan ship - EH!? Romulan ship!? Where the fuck does Romulan ship come from!? Since when in hell do Romulans build Shadow Battle Crabs!? I’m pretty damn sure Romulans like Warbirds and Birds of Prey, not War Insects! In fact, at this point in time, the Federation hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the Romulans in nearly a century, and more so; they’ve never seen a Romulan before that time, at all! Apart from Nero’s spoke person to the Kelvin, but he could just as easily have been identified as a rogue Vulcan. So how in hell would they know this is a Romulan ship? Especially when it is so completely different from any Romulan ship seen before (and a little cheating here) is from a hundred and thirty years in the future!? Strictly speaking, they wouldn’t even know a contemporary Romulan ship - unless it happens to carry the same Birds of Prey paint jobs they did a century earlier - and even then it’d be an educated guess! So how the hell do they identify this ship as Romulan!? It’s like you driving a Mitsubishi car through a time portal, arriving a hundred and thirty years ago in the Wild West, you driving up to a local sherif complete with six shooter, you turning down the window, and the 19th century sherif saying: “Japanese workmanship, right? Recognize it anywhere!” IT DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!

Pothole number 3, incidently.

Vulcan! There’s Nero’s nine kilometer massive shp! And it’s firing a massive beam at the planet - drilling a hole! We even see Amanda walking out on the balcony of her house and looking straight at the massive beam weapon . . . and the Vulcan High Command sent, “Seismic activity”!? How about; “Unknown ship not answering hails entering system!” How about, “Unknown massive ship drilling hole in planet with energy drill!" How about, “Help! We’re under attack!”

Oh, great, the smartest most logical race in the Star Trek universe, has just been reduced to a bunch of blathering, illogical morons. And oh, yes, plot hole number 4! IN JUST ONE SCENE! Surely this is all there is to this scene, right?

Anyway, on the Nerada some guy tells Nero seven Starfleet ships are coming in. Obviously not a trap, or else Nero wouldn’t need to be told, and he wouldn’t be just sitting there, not caring less whether any Starfleet ships find him. Suck that, buffoon Kirk, but then, we’d already established the idiocy of Kirk’s “conclusions”.

Onward to the bridge where Kirk attempts to convince the bridge he’s right about his idiotic conclusions. Yep; a lightning storm, and an unknown ship, which - for some reason, everyone decided is Romulan - attacked Kirk’s father’s ship. And yesterday there was another lightning storm and a Romulan ship destroyed 47 Klingon Warbirds. Nooo . . . Klingons don’t have Warbirds, Klingons have Birds of Prey and Battlecruisers. Warbirds are the Romulan ships! And his reasoning is supposed to be sound, how exactly?

Pike asks how Kirk knows about the unknown ‘but called Romulan’ attack. And Uhura says she picked up the transmission herself! So Captain Pike does not know about the Romulan attack, but the cadet . . . ah, yes, remember the question asked earlier whether Uhura would have sent what she found in the transmission up to Starfleet command? The answer would be a big, fat NO, Uhura did not send the transmission of one, count them ONE, ‘Romulan’ ship destroying 47, yes, forty-seven Klingon Birds of Prey - which would be a major thread to the Federation - up the chain of command. As such Uhura performed gross dereliction of duty - and is a blathering moron. Grand - and oh, plot idiocy number FIVE!

Now that I think about it; why would Pike not know this? There’d be Starfleet listening posts along the Klingon border much closer to the actual event than Earth where Uhura is listening, not to mention a Federation spanning 8,000 lightyears, with billions if not trillions of people across it, some of it probably listening to frequencies - especially Starfleet Intelligence folks deliberately listening in on Klingon frequencies. Either Uhura out of all that, was the only one to hear it; or Starfleet like a bunch of morons decided not to inform the captains of the ships in their fleet. Or in other words: plothole number six neatly wrapped into a single package with plot idiocy number five!

What the hell are they trying to do? Trying to break the world record for the amount of plotholes and idiocies they can stuff into one short scene!?

Spock says Kirk’s logic is sound . . . except that it is not, even if it even exists, but eh. Pike asks to scan for Romulan transmissions, and the lieutenant at communications can not distinguish Vulcan from Romulan. Eh!? Now granted, they’ve never seen a Romulan before (except Nero’s spoke person but they wouldn’t know that), so they wouldn’t know the Romulan language either - unless through Starfleet spies smuggling it out of the Star Empire maybe, or painstakingly decode detected transmissions and work on translating them; but that would all be classified. But it doesn’t matter! He knows all the Vulcan; so all he has to do is filter out all the Vulcan; then other Federation languages, and if whatever’s left is unidentifiable - bingo! (Of course, they’d then be shocked if the universal translator says there is some Vulcan elements in the Romulan language and that they share a common source.) So, the communications guy at the station: total moron. Also known as, plothole number SEVEN!

Seriously, guys, I think you’ve broken that world record twice over by now, you can ease of on them.

And Uhura, a cadet, casually mentions she knows all three Romulan dialects, and can easily do what the Lieutenant couldn’t do. How in hell would she know, not only the Romulan language, but dialects!? The Federation has never even seen a Romulan before! The only language they might know is something they picked up at the peace talks across subspace radio a century before, and anything Starfleet Intelligence may have figured out in the meantime. But that would be classified! A mere cadet doesn’t get access to these things . . . unless she’s an intelligence officer or Section 31 agent. Plothole number eight!

We’re on a roll guys, keep up the good work. This record I feel, nobody will ever break!

A female lieutenant mentions that the rest of the fleet arrived at Vulcan, but she lost all contact. Hm? If the Enterprise is close enough to Vulcan to know the fleet arrived there; wouldn’t its sensors then also detect the MASSIVE NINE KILOMETER SHIP DRILLING A GIANT HOLE INTO THE PLANET VULCAN THAT ALSO JUST DESTROYED THE FLEET!? Now that I mention it; why the hell haven’t they detected it a long ffing time ago!? They’ve got subspace FTL sensors, don’t they? You know the ones that allowed the Nerada to see the ships coming earlier on? The ones that in the original time line are even on civilian ships at this time? Hell, they were on civilian chips a century earlier before there was even any disruption in the time line by the Nerada attacking the Kelvin. (I’m beginning to think the Nerada and Spock didn’t come back to the past at all, they went into an entirely different reality, and the past of that. Would explain the whole Romulan mess. In this reality they did know and saw them much earlier on. Of course, that makes the whole recognizing a Romulan ship from a century into the future AND a different reality even more impossible. Or in other words: alternate reality? Nah, CRAP WRITING.) Unless; they do indeed, not have subspace / FTL sensors; and the only thing about the ships reaching Vulcan would have come through communications. It would rather explain this whole ridiculous scene with Kirk trying to convince everyone they’ll find a ‘Romulan’ ship attacking Vulcan, when sensors should have detected it a long time ago. And why the rest of the fleet happily flew in weapons’ range of the Nerada.

Of course, you do need subspace / FTL sensors to navigate anywhere without smashing into anything big along the way, so not having them makes no bloody sense: plothole number NINE!

Un ffing believable! I couldn’t get nine plotholes in a single scene in such a short time, if I deliberately tried! I’m getting a headache; the sheer lunacy, inconsistent crap that’s on the screen might be starting to melt my brain . . . peace . . . calm . . . relax . . . I’m okay, now, onward.

No transmissions at all, says Uhura - and the lieutenant couldn’t have seen that one earlier!? Don’t need no knowledge of Vulcan and Romulan language to detect: nothing. Plothole number TEN!

Arrival at Vulcan in 5 seconds . . . Are you fucking kidding me!? So these last four minutes of screen . . . hold on . . . Four minutes? Hmm. Not to mention all the time of Kirk running around the Enterprise finding Uhura and getting her to the brig that was cut . . . Remember Pavel Checkov saying it was less then three minutes till Vulcan? Plothole number ELEVEN!!!

No . . .

Noo . . . :whimpering:

NOOOOOOO!!!!

FOUR MINUTES! ELEVEN PLOTHOLES! FOR NOTHING!!!

We just sat through all horrific, ridiculous pile of shit plotholes, with people being morons, species reduced to the same, for NOTHING! The whole scene is about Kirk getting Pike to stop the Enterprise to not go to Vulcan for fear of the Nerada. But after finally convincing the bridge crew; they’re at Vulcan ANYWAY! A completely useless plothole ridden scene!

And that would be plot idiocy number TWELVE!!

TWELVE!! TWELVE plot holes and idiocies in under FOUR MINUTES! How the hell did they manage it! This makes Nemesis look like a perfectly coherently written film, and it’s a plothole ridden pile of crap! I can’t grasp it! I can’t wrap my mind around it! I would have to struggle to write a scene with even half the plotholes in it deliberately! This movie does not compute! It is horrifying in its sheer stupidity! It . . .! It defies words! Still . . . trying . . . AH! . . . wrap . . . head ar- . . . :grabbing head: . . . Feels like its going to explode! . . . Danger . . . danger . . . stop trying . . . veer away from imminent explosion . . .

Whew . . . that was close one. My head almost exploded.

:continued in next part:

 

[Kpnuts]

PS: that's a shit review, and I doubt many people will care about part 2 of your delusional self-important rants.

 

[RAMA]

Whew . . . that was close one. My head almost exploded.

:continued in next part:

Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all before, only YOUR criticism on the movie is correct, not the 96% of legitimate critics, or the 85-90% of viewers who voted they liked it, or the 33.426 million ticket buyers who voted with their wallets. Don't call us, we'll call YOU after the sequel.

RAMA

 

[3D Master]

So the Enterprise maneuvers through the fleet’s wreckage and see the huge undamaged Nerada, being practically on top it. Cut to the Nerada itself, and Nero’s aid warns there’s another starship . . . apparently the FTL sensors that allowed them to detect the fleet earlier, mysteriously stopped functioning! Oh, brother . . . So a fight starts, and the Enterprise’ weapons do nothing, Nero’s weapons easily hurt the Enterprise though. Nero looks at the screen, sees the Enterprise, and before the Nerada gives the killing blow, “WAIT!” The scene is magnified because he recognizes the hull . . . eh!? Recognizes the hull!? Wasn’t the whole bloody point of this movie that Nero changed time, that the Enterprise was built differently and that that’s why it looks ugly as hell - and is by some statements twice as big - and it now only vaguely resembles the Enterprise at the most basic of shapes!? So how the fuck does Nero recognize what might be the Enterprise!? Especially considering that that most basic of shapes is woven into most Federation starship classes!! This movie just continues giving me a headache.

Anyway, Nero talks to the crew. He wants Spock to watch the destruction of his planet, just like old Spock, no doubt. Transporters and communications are offline due to the energy drill drilling a hole into Vulcan . . . then how the hell are they talking to Nero? :shaking head in despair, moving on: Nero wants Pike to come over, and Pike complies - but he has a plan! Everyone that has advanced hand to hand training has to come with him. And the one who has advanced hand to hand training is Sulu: the helmsman. Apparently security officers aren’t actually taught how to be proper security officers!

Anyway over on the Nerada, Nero says to prepare the Red Matter. Red Matter . . . which is a sphere of . . . red matter on board Old Spock’s ship. Red Matter? Really? You couldn’t have come with something that at least made some sense!? When scientists name a substance or particular, the name is descriptive of what it is, and what’s so special about it. That this stuff is red, folks, is NOT what’s so special about it. The sphere of Red Matter looks like it comes out of a cartoon, with a muahahah mustache-twirling villain. Hell, the Star Trek cartoon never got anywhere close to this cartoony bullshit.

One bad thing that had managed to creep into Star Trek especially with Voyager is the particle of the week; but at least then the names somewhat sounded plausible. Now, we have another new particle of the week - uh, movie - but it sounds and looks stupid beyond measure. They took one of the weaker things of Star Trek - and made it WORSE! Brilliantly done! But not really.

So, Pike explains plan: he goes over to the Nerada, Sulu, Kirk, and an engineer go with him - not a security officer, as mentioned above, security officers seem to have no training on how to actually fight and perform security. The latter three jump out of the shuttle. Orbital sky dive down to the drill portion and destroy it. That should bring transporters and communications back on-line, so Kirk and co. can transport back to the Enterprise, rescue a couple of Vulcans, and if all else fails get to the fleet in the Laurentian system. And then Pike promotes Kirk to first officer . . . Why!? What the fuck for!? Especially since he’s about to jump out of a shuttle and fight a couple of Romulans! He could be dead in a few minutes! Promote someone else who’s actually earned it and isn’t about to die to the position! This movie makes less and less sense as we go along - and it started out making no sense at all!

Oh, by the way, the chief medical officer died in the last attack, now McCoy has his position. So, Kirk, Sulu, and the engineer get in the shuttle and it leaves. As they leave Kirk asks what hand to hand combat training Sulu had. ‘Fencing’ is Sulu’s answer. They jump out of the shuttle, and the engineer with the demolition charges is an adrenalin-junkie asshat that opens his suit to late and dies. Kirk lands, starts a fight with the Romulan that comes out of a hatch. A second Romulan arrives and Sulu lands. And he’s now in his fight with a Romulan, and pulls out a sword handle . . . from which a blade springs up in pieces and clunks together to form a katana. Where the HELL did this weapon come from!? I didn’t see Sulu telling Pike he needed to make a detour to his quarters to get it? Did he have it with him even on the bridge!? Starfleet, last I checked, doesn’t deliver swords in the hands of its personnel, they get phaser pistols - and doesn’t look kindly on navigators bringing concealed swords to the bridge!!

But far worse hen the plothole: IT’S A KATANA! You do NOT fence with a katana; for fencing you use a FOIL! You know; like the ORIGINAL Sulu had in his quarters and pulls out in the episode ‘Naked Time’. And you know WHY it was a FOIL, not a Katana!? Yes, because George Takei wanted to see the cliche of Asians with katanas go, and when they asked him if he had any experience with fighting, he said he could fence. (After which he took classes to be able to do so.) But, the original Sulu used a FOIL, and forty years later? A katana! Because after all, no Asian could use any other sword than a katana, right! It’s bad enough if Sulu had answered sword fighting and pulled out a katana, but he said, FENCING! He’s got advanced combat training in fencing, and then pulled out a katana limiting his own abilities! Why? All hail Hollywood racist stereotyping!

^You know, the type of stuff that the original Star Trek attempted to get rid off, to show it was wrong, and George Takei understood this perfectly - only so that forty years later a STAR TREK movie happily continues it! See Star Trek’s heart. See stake. See stab NUMBER TWO! As if the first stab wasn’t a sure kill, let’s stab it again, just to be sure. AAAAARGGHH!!

So they use the Romulans’ disruptor rifles to destroy the brill instead of the charges. They’re too late, though. The drill reached Vulcan’s core - which means the hole is now filled up with magma already, and it should be coming out of the hole, but it isn’t, so what was the bloody point? Oh, right, according to the writers, when you drill a hole through something that is liquid, the liquid helps you by stopping to be liquid and not flowing into the hole! Anyway, they launch the red matter in a torpedo down the hole that should no longer be a hole, and Checkov says they’re making a singularity at the core of the planet. Then he says the planet only has minutes. :sighs: No . . . black holes are not vacuum cleaners, they do not suck anything toward them anymore then any other matter! It would thus take a black hole thousands of years to consume a planet! More so, the black hole only has the gravity of the mass it’s made up off; it’s just so compressed to such tiny sizes that at that point it shreds apart and warps space-time. The event horizon is the cut off point - beyond the event horizon you notice nothing that the gravity source you’re next to is a black hole. You could simply be orbiting it, like our moon orbits the earth. More importantly, black holes evaporate; at the event horizon a quantum mechanical reaction occurs that creates radiation and sends it out into space, and the mass inside the black hole is consumed in the process. A black hole made of the little bit of Red Matter they sent down to the planet, would evaporate in seconds if not shorter. So even if it could consume the planet, it wouldn’t have enough time to do so!

Spock says to send an evacuation call to the planet and that he needs to get the Vulcan High Council and his parents will be among them. They can’t be beamed, because they’ll be in the Katric Ark . . . shouldn’t that be Katra Ark? Yeah, a Katric Ark would be an Ark made from Katras, however it is an Ark for katras. It seems Spock, or rather the writers, don’t know English. Which explains a lot.

Anyway . . . Hold on . . . what!? You even need to get them yourself!? What the f!? This does not compute! What the hell is the Vulcan High Council, which needs to govern the planet Vulcan, doing in a place where they can’t be beamed out, and they can’t be communicated with!? They need to govern a planet, and also have contact with other planets in the Federation, and they go to a place where they can’t be communicated with!? This is completely illogical! Worse off, anyone that needs to see the High Council, and there’d be a lot of them, would have to banger on through Vulcan’s most sacred grounds! Oh, right; seismic activity instead of: big ship drilling hole - the Vulcans were reduced from those who prize logic, to illogical idiots. Moving on.

Nero says to retract the drill, and it is time to move on. Drill retracts, Sulu falls of, and Kirk jumps after him. They’re beamed back by Checkov’s brilliance just in time. They arrive on the platform, crash, and . . . get up with lots of pain? Why? If they still had the speed from when they were falling, beaming them up wouldn’t matter - they’d go splat on the transporter platform every bit as much as on the rocks. If they do not keep the speed they were falling at, it’d be a gentle bump, and barely feel it, and thus wouldn’t be in pain! This does not compute!

Seriously, apart from the Spock scenes when he was a kid on Vulcan, will there by any more scenes that we can get through without plotholes, idiocies, and asshole Kirk? I want to raise my hands into the air and scream at this utter dreck, but let’s just get on with this crap quickly.

Spock arrives to be beamed down to the surface of Vulcan . . . apparently he’s either a whole lot slower than Checkov, or he took his leisure time getting there - while his parents might be “consumed by a black hole in mere minutes.” Again: I wanna raise my hands to the sky and scream, because I got nothing at the sheer idiocy of this bullshit.

So Spock runs down into a cave, gets the people there out, including his mother. They go back out, are beamed out . . . but now the beaming process suddenly slows down to a crawl, to allow Amanda to turn around, give Spock a pitiful meaningful look, and then the rock outcropping she’s standing on falls, and she falls to her doom. Wait, hold on, I’m noticing something, AMANDA!? Wasn’t she on a balcony of her home a short while ago? Back when we saw the Nerada firing at Vulcan for the first time!? Something that looks nothing like they place she’s standing at now? . . . Let’s check above: yes, indeed, she was. Remember that short scene about Kirk warning the bridge crew, that contained 12 entire plotholes, that the Amanda on the balcony view was part of? It just went up to THIRTEEN!

Also, if Vulcans see humans as so inferior, and look upon them with such disdain they call Spock disadvantaged for having human DNA, would they really let a human set foot in the Vulcan High Council chambers, let alone on some of Vulcan’s most hallowed grounds? I’m guessing not, but you know Vulcans: totally inconsistent, illogical morons.

So Vulcan gets, counter to all laws of physics, sucked into black hole on only one . . . side, instead of all sides as if the black hole is cone shaped instead of a sphere . . . and that has blue lightning in a circle. OH, OF COURSE! Remember how I’ve been speculating on what those portals could be that the Nerada and Spock’s ship came through? Remember how I said, that whatever they were, they couldn’t possibly be black holes? This movie purports them to be black holes after all! Science . . . apparently you don’t need it in a science fiction movie!

Anyway, Vulcan is gone, just like that, without ever showing it was a major world, with cities and a lot of people. So, Spock gives a log entry and says so. Only 10,000 Vulcans from Vulcan survived, he is now part of an endangered species. WAIT WHAT!? What the hell happened to all the Vulcans on Vulcan colonies established in over 2,000 years of space travel!? What, after carefully realizing that being stuck on one planet means one good hunk of stray space rock and they were wiped out, that the most logical thing to do, would be to colonize other planets to increase their change of survival, the Vulcan in their ever present logic decided: screw it, we’ll remain stuck here, and hope for the best!? I’ve said it a hundred times already it seems, but: THIS MOVIE DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!

Anyway, Spock walks off the bridge into the lift - without naming someone else to take the conn. Apparently he lost whatever little bit of intelligence he may have been given by the writers of this shitfest. Uhura promptly goes after her boyfriend - also naming no one to replace her position. Because after all, women must exist to sooth their boyfriends. Professionalism? Intelligence? Prioritizing? Competence? Nah, women only exist to hug boyfriends! She even asks what he needs. My answer would be: “Someone who knows how to prioritize and remain functional on the bridge; as my senses seem to have left me and I can no longer do it myself. You’re failing.” Spock’s answer is similar, “I need everyone to continue performing admirably.” He’s leaving out, the ‘you’re failing’ bit - and maybe it should be “I need everyone TO START performing admirably,’ but oh, well.

Cut to the Nerada and Pike being strapped to a medical bed . . . and the room around him, has a bottom of water. :smashes head on table: This is not a leaky submarine, it’s a spaceship!! A highly advanced spaceship. If for some reason water is needed, it won’t be in a room they have medical bed in, but in a room it’s actually useful temporarily, it would be very easily removable - in the extreme case by transporter! Thus it would only be filled with water when you need it to be!

Anyway, he talks about in his time this is but a simple mining ship. And how in his time Romulus is destroyed, cracked in half, killing his wife and children and the Federation only stood by and did nothing, and how Spock betrayed them. So now he’s going to destroy the Federation one planet at a time. And Pike says he’s mistaken because Romulus still exists. Oh, great! Pike is also a complete moron! HELLO! Nero just told you straight to your face, in “his” time. He’s got a mining ship that can plow through 47 Klingon Birds of Prey and get not a scratch on it. He’s got a substance you’ve never heard of that can consume a planet in no time flat. And oh, yeah, he just told you straight to your face: in “his” time. When I put all those things together - actually, the “his” time is more then enough - I go, “He’s from the future.” Not, “He’s insane and delusional, because Romulus still exists.” Okay, I would be going, “He’s insane and delusional because he wants to destroy the Federation instead of prepare the Romulans for what’s coming - but that’s a whole other matter.”

Nero wants the subspace frequencies for the Earth system’s defense grid. I don’t see what it matters, as there are no FTL sensors and so they can’t fire at him anyway, but eh. He uses the same creatures as Kahn did back in STII - which doesn’t make any sense as the only people who knew about the things are Kahn and his men, who are dead, and the place they are from is a hell hole nobody would want to bother setting foot on! :sighs:

Anyway, back to the Enterprise, where prick Kirk has put himself in the captain’s seat despite the fact that Spock is on the bridge. Spock wants to hook up with the fleet - he better hope that whatever was at the Laurentian system has been dealt with by now. Kirk disagrees, because Nero is from the future and so they should be “unpredictable”. Buffoon Kirk to the rescue! :sighs: Anyway, Spock rightly points out that Nero doesn’t know the future anymore then they do, because he’s changed it. Yes, Kirk, Nero killed your father, and just blew up Vulcan; I would say it’s rather obvious he changed the past - hell, if he hadn’t changed the past and simply be repeating it from memory, he’d be a complete moron . . . Yes, I know he’s a complete moron, but you know what I mean. Further, if the past hadn’t changed, whatever “unpredictable” thing you were going to do, you did the first time around as well, Kirk, and Nero will know exactly what you did from historical records anyway, you blithering idiot!

So, Uhura says, “Alternate reality.” Huh? And Spock agrees. What!? Where in hell in that entire conversation about a ‘changed past to make a new future’ did ‘alternate reality’ come into play? ‘Alternate reality’ is an entirely different parallel universe, with its own changeable timeline, while any other reality is completely separate and parallel to this one. A changed timeline however, is simply alternate events in this reality. Star Trek has always operated with the later convention, and Spock’s words reflect that. So why the hell did Uhura pull ‘alternate reality’ out of her ass that has got nothing to do with anything that was said just before that? And why did Spock agree with her ass-pullery even though he probably wishes he was doing the ass-pulling? Hmm, oh, right, I get it! They wanted a slim, non-existent reason to tell Star Trek fans: “See, we didn’t really erase the good, coherent, barely any plot holes, soulful, meaningful Star Trek; it’s still in an alternate reality! Of course, effectively it matters not, because from now one you’re stuck with this empty, soulless, plothole and idiocy-ridden, empty, SFX-shot after SFX-shot strung together by stupid, juvenile, unfunny jokes pile of shit, but hey, it’s still out there.” BULLSHIT!

Spock’s made his decision; he’ll go rendez-vous with the fleet. Kirk doesn’t agree and starts screaming at Spock in front of the entire crew. Oh, yes, such a great First Officer! Good call there, Pike - not. Spock rightly tells security to get Kirk out of there because he’s disrupting the functioning of the ship. Kirk decides to fight, apparently attempting a one-man mutiny, gets loose from the two security officers - yes, indeed, Security officers: totally untrained - but Spock performs the Vulcan nerve pinch, and Kirk’s out cold. Then Spock says to get Kirk of this ship; which they do, shooting him at a planet . . . Huh? How about, ‘confine him to quarters’, or ‘lock him in the brig’, or something else that doesn’t waste the time of having the ship get close enough to a planet to allow an escape pod to reach it! (Not to mention waste a precious escape pod you’re very likely going to need facing the Nerada.) Yes, I have said it before, and I’ll probably be saying it for a long time to come: every character in this movie is blithering idiot!

Kirk wakes up in his escape pod on an ice planet called, ‘Delta Vega’. Hold on, wasn’t that a desert planet that had an automated fuel-cracking and refueling station somewhere near the edge of the galaxy? Well, there are only so many names and many more planets, I suppose it could have the same name; I wonder where this planet is. It couldn’t possibly in the Vulcan aka 40 Eridani system though . . .

:continued in next part:

 

[Kpnuts]

Whew . . . that was close one. My head almost exploded.

:continued in next part:

Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all before, only YOUR criticism on the movie is correct, not the 96% of legitimate critics, or the 85-90% of viewers who voted they liked it, or the 33.426 million ticket buyers who voted with their wallets. Don't call us, we'll call YOU after the sequel.

RAMA

Spot on sexy fella.

Spot on.

 

[SalvorHardin]

Whew . . . that was close one. My head almost exploded.

So close ...

 

[Deranged Nasat]

PS: that's a shit review, and I doubt many people will care about part 2 of your delusional self-important rants.

Delusional? He's pointing out legitimate plot oversights and plotholes. Much of what he says makes sense to me. Do you have constructive criticism, or is "that's shit" all you have? Shall we just accept that you liked the film and this guy didn't? No-one forces us to read these reviews if we don't want to.

 

[3D Master]

Kirk starts walking, and talks into his communicator, “Stardate 2258.42 whatever.” We’ll assume it doubles as a recording device - then again, I can see moron Kirk be stupid enough to try to record a log entry by just talking into a bare bones communicator. Hold on, ‘Stardate 2258.’ Last time I checked, the stardate at around the year 2258-2270, are in the 5000 to 7000 range. 2258 is about the year this story would be occurring; therefore 2258.42 would be an EARTHdate not a stardate. Apparently the writers couldn’t be bothered with making something up (or stuffing the earth date in the myriad of on-line stardate calculators), and just plonked the AD after Christ year into the stardate slot. Brilliant writing, truly showing you were so lazy you couldn’t even make up a four digit number somewhat in line with the original Stardate system! (Of course, it rather brings home that whole “this is an actual alternate reality that Nero and old Spock stumbled into, that is entirely different from the original one, even long before Nero stumbled in and killed George Kirk.’ A reality entirely populated by morons.)

So Kirk slumps along in the snow storm, and there’s snarling. Ooh, a giant canine like beast comes into view, intend on making Kirk its lunch. Go doggy, kill, kill. Ah shit, an even bigger bug-like creature eats it- . . . no, it just wrestles with it while it’s in its mouth and tosses it away. The bug-monster tossed a meal away in a freezing climate where nothing grows. You know how I said I’d probably be saying “every character in this movie is an idiot” more often? I never actually imagined I’d be saying it about animals, but yes: even the animals in this movie, are complete and utter idiots with brain damage! It turns to Kirk, and Kirk starts to run, the monster in pursuit. I wonder if the monster wants to eat Kirk, or just want to play catch with Kirk as the ball like it did with the doggy, but anyway, Kirk enters a cave . . . and some guy with torch makes the giant monster run off . . . think about it; a giant monster in a freezing climate where it’s never seen fire before, and thus has no idea how dangerous it can be, and a tiny flicker from a torch makes it run off. Of course, we had already established this animal is an utter moron, but let me repeat it again, every character in this movie is a complete idiot, EVEN THE BLOODY ANIMALS!

So, the savior turns around: it’s old Spock! Anyone wanna bet Leonard Nimoy can save this movie? No? Nobody? Didn’t thinks so. Spock reveals his identity, and says Kirk they’re friends. Kirk says he doesn’t buy it, because he and Spock hate each other, and Spock marooned Kirk on this planet for mutiny. “Mutiny? You are not the captain?” old Spock asks. Maybe senility has set in, or it’s just an honest mistake on when this is; but Kirk wasn’t always the captain of the Enterprise. You see, first there was Robert April, then there was Christopher Pike, (who you served under, Spock-m’boy <– senile), and Kirk had to go from Cadet, to Ensign, to Lieutenant, to Lieutenant Commander, and finally Captain. (Most people do a stint as a pure Commander as well, but Kirk skipped that.) In 2258 Kirk, in the original timeline, is still a Lieutenant or Lieutenant Commander on board the Farragut. He won’t be the captain of the Enterprise originally, for another six to seven years. Now, shall we check whether this is a mistake on the year, or senility . . . okay, we already know from above - let’s rephrase that; how senile Spock has become? Who wants to take a guess?

So, Spock goes to mind meld with Kirk and starts, “129 years from now a star will explode and threaten to destroy the galaxy.” Yeah, senility has set in, and he’s now a moron. Stars explode all the time, and it never threatens to destroy the galaxy. It may kill off a shitload of life in the galaxy, it will destroy its solar system, but the galaxy itself will happily keep on going. You see, a star is but a tiny dot in unimaginable vastness of a galaxy; and in a galaxy’s core for example are very likely super massive black holes, with the mass of thousands and many more stars. A tiny light going boom, isn’t going to do a damn thing. But, lets deal with the basic anatomy of an exploding star, so we can use it to analyze what Spock shows us: as a star reaches its end, its hydrogen will run out, and so will start to fuse more and more heavy materials. As it does so, it will expand, consuming and plasmatizing its inner planets, and possibly even its outer planets depending on the size of the solar system and star. After it’s consumed the last of its fusionable materials, it no longer has that much outward force coming from the fusion reactions, and will start to collapse. Until it reaches a critical density and explode its outer atmosphere out and away, forming a nebula far greater than the original solar system, even the size of multiple solar systems, accompanied by a massive radiation surge. The star itself, will either become a neutron star or a black hole, depending on the mass of the star.

Spock says the star went super nova and consumed everything in its path. No, when the star goes super nova it would already have consumed its solar system, it will not consume any other solar systems, it might cover them in its material though, the nebula encompassing several system, but won’t actually consume them, let alone the stars at the center of them. The gasses forming the nebula are thin and don’t have enough density to hurt planets. The radiation surge accompanying it though, may very well kill lots of life on planets in several solar systems across a radius of multiple ten lightyears. After that, the intensity will have diminished enough to no longer be fatal. Of course; do notice that this will take decades; the radiation and material will be moving at most at lightspeed, so it takes an equal amount of years at best to cross an amount of lightyears.

Then Spock says that using red matter he would create a black hole that would consume the exploding star <– utter moron. (Remember my explanation with the planet earlier?) Putting a black hole near an exploding star, let alone in it; will make the whole thing a whole shitload worse! The gravitational forces of a black hole near a super nova, is only going to super charge the explosion and the material that’s flung from it. Further, it won’t stop the star from going super nova, and it would take a black hole, even a massively big one, millions of years to consume a star. In fact, if the super nova produces a black hole of its own, you now have two black holes circling each other; which is going to be bad, really bad, as it would produce radiation fountains that would make whatever the Super Nova tossed out look like a water pistol in comparison.

Yes, black holes radiate gamma radiation, and lots of it. It even evaporates. Although nothing can come out from the event horizon by sheer speed; at the event horizon a complicated quantum mechanical reaction takes place as matter falls in it, that radiates gamma radiation away from it. This process takes some of the mass inside the black hole to form this radiation in an even more complicated quantum interaction.

Now, you could use a black hole to consume the plasma discharge from the star, or rather the bit of it that threatens living planets, but this requires truly massive black holes, and placed in the path of the plasma discharge and radiation spike, so the plasma’s and radiation’s own momentum carries it inside the black hole’s event horizon. Of course, the resulting gamma radiation spike from the black hole would make the super nova’s look pathetic in comparison and the damage to the planet you were trying to protect would be far worse.

In other words: protecting your planet from a super nova with black holes: complete and utter idiocy.

Let’s get on with the mind meld flashback: Spock was on route when the super nova destroyed Romulus. :sighs: Nope, the only way the plasma discharge could completely destroy the planet would be when the planet is inside the star’s own solar system. But as we established, any inner planets that could support humanoid/Romulan life, would be consumed by the star long before it actually went super nova.

Of course, there comes the next problem; apparently the guy who could guess the right weight of water and whales and put them properly in an equation for a time slingshot to get a ship back in their own time, miss-calculated a long-time-taking, and thus easily predictable super nova by entire minutes or if the star as said was genuinely in another star system by YEARS! Which is friggin’ impressive considering subspace-sensors should allow them to see it occurring real-time! <– Senile!

Which gets us to ANOTHER problem! A big ass plothole in fact! Spock left Romulus to go the Hobus star and create his black hole, he would be going from Romulus to the Hobus star: aka the path of the plasma discharge of the super nova. In other words: Spock rinky dink little ship, passed through the super nova that destroyed a planet UNHARMED! All the Romulans would have had to do, was mount those shields around their planet, and they’d be fine! Of course, as they saw this super nova coming at least years, if not centuries ago, they’d have had plenty of time to do so. Or evacuate Romulans, or move the population underground, or move them to the bottom of Romulus’ oceans; and all things that would allow them to easily withstand a Super Nova’s killing radiation surge (ignoring, now, the planet being completely destroyed idiocy.) A super nova is no threat to an FTL-capable society, least of all one the likes that populate the Star Trek universe.

Do you think we’re done with this scene? If you paid attention through this review; you probably would have guessed no. And you’d be right . . . I don’t have any prizes for you, sorry. Anyway, notice how all the above is about a super nova that is mentioned in the film, and what this can and can’t do. Well, there is such a thing as hyper nova. Now, a hyper nova occurs when a star is massive enough (more then enough to form a black hole), and spins fast enough. A hyper nova is accompanied by such a massive radiation surge, that it could kill all life on the surface of planets in a radius of multiple tens of thousands of lightyears. Things significantly below a surface of a planet could still survive, but the surface of a planet would be all but barren. Or in other words, should such an event occur near the center of a galaxy, it would essentially be killing just about all life in a galaxy. And although not actually ‘destroying’ a galaxy, metaphorically interpreted, it could be seen at least, as a reasonbly accurate description. (Notice, it would still take an equal amount of years as lightyears to do so, planets in other solar systems still wouldn’t be destroyed; and Star Trek’s societies are still so technology advanced they could deal with it easily.) So, the problem? The writers of this tripe, couldn’t be bothered to type in ‘nova’ into wikipedia, and then click on the links ‘super nova’ and ‘hyper nova’ provided there. What was written would still be horrific scientifically, but if they had used ‘hyper nova’ it would have at least shown they put a modicum of effort into getting it at least somewhat in line with science!

It also means they didn’t use a scientific advisor - that’s been around for some forty years in Star Trek before this movie. Hm, black holes that are nothing like black holes, who behave one moment by destroying things, the next moment it acts like a wormhole, a super nova that makes no bloody sense, couldn’t even be bothered with doing the most basic of research that would allow them to at least use the term that comes closest to what they’re describing - science as non-existent. Say, I’m pretty sure in previous Trek there was always an effort to make things seem and sound scientifically plausible and not make a total mockery of science, and they employed a science advisor for that. Yes, folks, behold Star Trek’s heart and THE THIRD STAB through it. Grr - argh.

But we’re still not done. And this one, is another doozie of a plothole, and not a simple technical problem. So the Nerada and Spock’s ship came through a black hole, right? And this was the black hole used on the ‘Hobus Super Nova’, right? But the super nova has already come and gone (destroying Romulus in the process), right? SO WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT BLACK HOLE THEY CAME THROUGH CREATED, WHEN IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE? What; Spock decided to do it for kicks? Or he’s become just that senile!?

And oh, yes, apparently even a simple mining ship is capable of surviving the super nova plasma ejection. So, it isn’t even some highly difficult ultra modern shields that could have protected Romulus from the ‘super nova’, but some mining ship shields could have done the same thing!

So, we go on with the mind meld, and Nero holds Spock responsible for the destruction of his world. Yes, Nero is destroying planets and committing genocide, because Spock decided to try and protect Romulus from A NATURAL DISASTER! And the Federation is guilty because they “didn’t do anything”? Because after all; the Romulan Star Empire isn’t an organization that rivals the Federation in size, power and science - like having artificial singularities, yes black holes, as their power cores, and were thus totally incapable of doing anything themselves! Oh, wait a minute, yes it is. This is idiotic!! This is like a guy in Indonesia hijacking the Russian nukes and then nuking all western cities because we “failed to stop the 2004 tsunami and didn’t do anything.” This is utter idiocy!! It seems Nero (and his entire crew by sheer convenience) were already a bunch deranged maniacs only waiting for an excuse to start slaughtering countless billions, and now they have it! I seriously question the Romulans’ screening methods though, if they manage to put an entire crew of deranged, serial killing maniacs on one ship.

This fucking movie is SOOO bad. It is indescribable in words, but I’ll try - just give me a long time in thinking up the few words that describe this utter tripe.

Anyway, according to Spock, as Kirk already knew, there’s a Starfleet station they need to get to, and then return Kirk to the Enterprise as soon as possible. Why? I got no clue. Anyway, it seems Spock had no trouble with watching his planet get consumed by a black hole, but Kirk away from the Enterprise, now that requires getting to that station as fast as possible. Sending a warning message to Starfleet from that station never occurred to him it seems <– senile.

Wait . . . I’m noticing something. OH, FOR THE GODS SAKES! Remember how I said Delta Vega couldn’t possibly be in the Vulcan system? IT IS! Not only is it in the Vulcan system, but you can see Vulcan pretty much as a moon from Delta Vega. The only planet you can see Vulcan that up close from, would be Vulcan’s sister planet T’Khut. So, instead of either racing to the rest of Starfleet, or racing after Nero; the Enterprise remained limping about in essentially Vulcan’s orbit for all that time. Not only didn’t it go to warp, it didn’t even bother going to full impulse, or it would have left T’Khut behind relatively ages ago! :smashes head on table several times: And T’Khut’s Terran name is apparently Delta Vega - which makes no bloody sense! How about ‘Vulcan beta’, or ‘40 Eridani A II beta’, or ‘Vulcan IIB’, or SOMETHING that indicates it’s actually in the Vulcan system. But hey, that might actually require thinking about a name a bit longer - or using a Star Trek wikipedia - than just jotting down the first name that pops in your head. GRRrrr, I hate this movie and the writers that pulled it out of their ass!

There’s a scene now on the Enterprise’ bridge between Spock and McCoy; it’s about tossing out Kirk, and McCoy complaining about Spock’s unemotionalism . . . My GOD! They’ve done it! Hallelujah! For the first time since the Spock’s childhood scenes, a scene without problems and plotholes, and plotholes and plot holes . . . and more plotholes! It took them nearly one and a half hours, but they’ve done it! Applause!

So, Kirk and old-Spock reach the rinky dink Starfleet station, that doesn’t even get proper supply runs for food according the person running the place - which turns out to be Scotty. Oh, bloody hell! I didn’t say anything above because I was too occupied by the outright plotholes and scientific bullshit, but come on! It’s official. This movie no longer trumps Nemesis just in plotholes and idiocies, now it also trumps that farce in plot contrivances and coincidences! This movie is horrible!

They talk about transwarp beaming. I didn’t know Starfleet successfully achieved transwarp speed yet in the future? Scotty talks about how he attempted to transport Admiral Archer’s prize beagle to another planet and it killed the dog, so that’s why he’s here. Really? Admiral Archer? As in Jonathan Archer of the Enterprise NX-01? :nods: I see, so you just wipe out 40 years of good Star Trek across 2 centuries of continuity; four series, two master pieces (TOS, and the epic DS9), the grand TNG, nine good movies (and one pile of shit), but the ONE thing you keep is Star Trek Enterprise? The series that had about as many continuity problems as this movie has plotholes, and about the same level of writing, (okay, I’m exaggerating here, the level of this tripe is so low it is directly in hell). A series so bad that even a good chunk of the people that like it, say it’s bad, and are only really there for the characters? THAT shit you keep in continuity!?

RAAAAH! I need a break and a drink.

:continued in next part:

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Whew . . . that was close one. My head almost exploded.

:continued in next part:

Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all before, only YOUR criticism on the movie is correct, not the 96% of legitimate critics, or the 85-90% of viewers who voted they liked it, or the 33.426 million ticket buyers who voted with their wallets. Don't call us, we'll call YOU after the sequel.

RAMA

Spot on sexy fella.

Spot on.

We all know most people liked it. Greatly disliking it is not a crime. It's success is unimportant when considering a personal response. If you liked it, good for you. No, really, good for you, I mean it. If some people didn't, they can express that as they please, surely? Again, this review's discussion of various plotholes and poor story logic works for me. This is a forum for discussion and personal response, not "like this film or b****r off".

 

[SalvorHardin]

Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all before, only YOUR criticism on the movie is correct, not the 96% of legitimate critics, or the 85-90% of viewers who voted they liked it, or the 33.426 million ticket buyers who voted with their wallets. Don't call us, we'll call YOU after the sequel.

RAMA

Spot on sexy fella.

Spot on.

We all know most people liked it. Greatly disliking it is not a crime. It's success is unimportant when considering a personal response. If you liked it, good for you. No, really, good for you, I mean it. If some people didn't, they can express that as they please, surely? Again, this review's discussion of various plotholes and poor story logic works for me. This is a forum for discussion and personal response, not "like this film or b****r off".

Obviously, you are quite unaware of 3DMasters posting/trolling history in this forum and his inability to actually listen to anything anyone else says. This is not just some random posters review.There's really nothing new here he hasn't ranted about 100 times before.

 

[3D Master]

Al right, let’s get on with it. So, apparently transwarp beaming is transporting someone from an object going at sublight, to an object going at warp. Eh? And it’s Scotty’s invention!? Since when can Starfleet folks transport anything that far!? The only way to do that, is either use Dominion transporters, or use subspace transporters. (The latter of which, destroys the molecular bonds in your DNA, and after a certain number of uses you’re reduced to a puddle of goo!) And I doubt even those ever managed more than a few lightyears. You also better keep your shields up at all time, now . . . a little kid fiddling with the transporter controls, and boom there you go. Hang on . . . no . . . no- no, no, no no no, they can’t be doing what I think they’re doing. No, no it can’t be. It just can’t be. Not even these writers can be this bad, can they?

YES! They’re doing it, and they’re that bad! They’re going to transport from this rinky dink station onto the Enterprise! And WHAT would you need to pinpoint a ship flying faster than the speed of light in order to transport on it? That’s right, FTL aka subspace sensors. YOU KNOW, THOSE SENSORS THE BRAND NEW FLAGSHIP OF THE FLEET DOESN’T HAVE! Those sensors that if it had it, would have made that 13-plothole and idiocy ridden four minutes of Kirk screaming “It’s a trap” even MORE superfluous and bullshit than it already was - because the Enterprise and the rest of the fleet would have detected the Nerada and buffoon Kirk wouldn’t have needed to tell anyone! And yet, this rinky dink little station that doesn’t even get proper food resupply; it has them! Oh, by the way, the number of plotholes and idiocies in, or directly relating to that 4-minute scene - it just went up to FOURTEEN!

Anyway, Spock says Kirk needs to take control of ‘his’ ship. No, you bloody moron, it’s not Kirk’s ship at all, it’s Pike’s ship; and if not, it is Spock’s ship. Kirk wants Spock with him to convince young-Spock. Yes, that would be rather logical. No, Spock says, it is not his destiny, and he must not tell young Spock about his existence, because that would make things go wrong with young Spock’s destiny I suppose. Destiny!? WHAT DESTINY!? The ‘destiny’ where Kirk takes command of the Enterprise on his first day out of the academy a full six to seven years before he did it in the unaltered timeline? The ‘destiny’ where Kirk’s father dies on Jim’s birthday because of interference from a ship from the future? The ‘destiny’ where his planet is less then rubble, if you don’t count the rubble made from the laws of physics? The ‘destiny’ where Uhura is now at communications because she took the place of lieutenant that was an utter moron - must have had a daddy in the admiralty or something?

What destiny!? Ah, right, that’s why the Enterprise is ‘his’/Kirk’s ship, it’s his destiny! In fact, let us examine one of the corner stones of Star Trek: secular humanism. You can find this in ever series, even the original. We improved ourselves, and are still improving ourselves, we stopped killing each other, we went to the stars, we founded the Federation, we ended war, poverty, and hunger on Earth. WE. Not someone else, not guided by ‘destiny’ or by god’s will, with us not doing anything about it. No we did it on our own. It is the essence of secular humanism - except now there’s destiny. In this new world of Star Trek, hard work is not necessary, not progressing through the ranks, not working hard, no, there is: ‘destiny’. Or in other words; See Star Trek’s heart. See stake. And behold, there is stab number FOUR!

This movie is disgusting.

So Spock says young Spoke is emotionally compromised, and that’s bad, and according to Starfleet regulations he must stand down. Kirk must show the Enterprise youngSpock is compromised, and then he can take command of the Enterprise. Kirk and Scotty are about to be beamed to the Enterprise, when Kirk says to Spock that going to the past and changing history was cheating. And Spock says he picked it up from a friend. I guess it is supposed to be Kirk and that’s some poignant and emotional statement. Except for the annoying fact that Spock did NOT go back in time to change history, and the only one that’s done any history changing is Nero, and Spock was just talking about making sure ‘destiny’ stayed intact, making sure there was NO change, making the entire exchange utterly meaningless and moronic!

Kirk arrives . . . uh, somewhere on the Enterprise. Scott’s pounding from inside some tube - that’s smoking. Maybe they should get an engineer down there. And then . . . tubes of water? What the flying fuck is this place!? There’s also no one around. The tubes of - useless water - have early twentieth century gauges and taps. There are more tubes, pipes, and a stupid maze, and there’s nobody here. What the hell is this supposed to be? Engineering? How come it looks less advanced then twentieth century nuclear submarine’s engine room!? What the hell do hey need all the water for anyway!? Why is there no engineer minding engineering!? And why the hell are the tubes big enough for a man? They got talking dolphins swimming around in there!? How come the tubes don’t lead into the saucer of the Enterprise then? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!! AND IT LOOKS IDIOTIC!!

Kirk saves Scotty, the bridge notices. Kirk and Scotty start running - and the engineering set gets worse and worse. Why in hell is an early twentieth century factory built inside the Enterprise!? Jesus, mother of god this looks horrible. You’d think the makers of this movie could have done a little research into what the engineering is supposed to look like; or for that matter what the most advanced power source of present day submarines look like, and try to come up with something that looks at least more advanced then that! But alas, that would require research, some semblance of scientific accuracy, but then you couldn’t have done the stupid, useless, and pointless Scotty flushes through the pipes scene. Ugh.

They are captured, they are taken to the bridge. Kirk spends his time pissing off Spock. Spock loses his cool, and leaves the bridge. In a transporter room his father confronts him, and his father says that he didn’t marry his mother for logic, but because he loved her. Wow. Scene number four that isn’t entirely bad; at least the content. The horrifying lense flares to the point of obscuring more than half the picture, the horrible editing, even worse cameras strapped to people’s noses - that indeed have been kept going throughout this movie, make this scene horrible to watch. Anyway, it seems the writers like Spock; it seems his scenes are the only ones that aren’t ridden with plotholes and idiocies; he seems to be the only one they like enough to put some effort into. Then again . . . they made old-Spock senile, and didn’t bother examine why in hell’s name Spock is doing his student; it’s probably just coincidence.

We go back to the bridge, and Checkov has an idea. The Nerada will go past Saturn, so they can hide behind one of Saturn’s moons and its magnetic disturbances, so the Nerada’s sensors can’t detect them. . . . Noooo, you bloody idiot, a. the Nerada is from a 130 years in the future, you have no clue what its sensors are and are not capable of, and b. whether the Nerada went past Saturn matters not, all that matters is having a celestial body with those properties you can hide behind; Saturn doesn’t magically gains further immunity to Nerada sensors because it passed by it. McCoy asks how old Checkov is, and he answer 17 . . . SEVENTEEN!? SEVENTEEN!!

Oh, son of a bitch! Starfleet is a military, a navy. For Checkov to have graduated at seventeen, he was allowed entry into the academy at the youngest thirteen years old and at the oldest sixteen. If we assume he’s even more of a genius then Kirk (which is hard to as everyone including Kirk is a moron), and he did it faster than Kirk, but not in a year as there probably wouldn’t be enough time to do all the practicals, we get that he entered the academy somewhere around 14.5 to 15 years of age! A military allowed a student in its academy at 14 / 15 years old. Because after all, nothing says a positive, better future created by secular humanism as shown in Star Trek like: CHILD SOLDIERS!! Yes, that would be the FIFTH stab in Star Trek’s heart.

Spock arrives and volunteers for a mission to the Nerada, saying Checkov is right - while he’s dead wrong. We jump to the Nerada, at Earth. “Prepare the drill.” You know, I didn’t really mention it at Vulcan; as they’re supposed to be pacifistic - until logic says otherwise of course - but right now we’re at Earth:.the capital world of the Federation; seat of the Federation government, the center of its military; and thus logically the most heavily guarded planet in the Federation. Heavily armed starbases everywhere, probably lots of sentry satellites everywhere, planetary phaser banks and photon torpedo launchers across the globe, almost certainly shields protecting at least the major cities. SO WHY IS NOBODY SHOOTING AT THIS HOSTILE SHIP!? Granted, Nero got the frequencies and codes from Pike so any automated defenses will probably be shut down, but there are still people there, who could think: you know, there’s a ship going to attack us, maybe we should fire whatever weapon we’ve got at it? Remember DS9; one little station, and what it could fire at an attacking fleet? Now imagine a planet full of weapons, not to mention actual starbases and sentry satellites, and what it could throw at an attacking ship. The Nerada maybe from a 130 years in the future, but the sheer quantity coming from that; I’m thinking even it would have some trouble with that, or be outright destroyed. But instead; population Earth, not firing a single weapon: idiots. I repeat: every character in this film: idiots, complete and total idiots!

The Enterprise arrives at Saturn; unopposed, and apparently undetected by the Nerada. Apparently the only thing in this universe that has subspace sensors is a rinky dink station that doesn’t even get regular food resupplies! Yet, high tech brand new flagships of the fleet, and alternate reality future ships, that need them to get anywhere at warp speeds without smashing into planets or other ships - even when that alternate reality future has these sensors on every bloody civilian cheap ass ships; or they’d smash into things - does NOT have them. Even though the Nerada demonstrated having them at the beginning of the Vulcan scene when it detected the fleet being en route to Vulcan! Consistency, coherency, logic . . .? I believe JJ Abrams and the writers went: “Who cares!? It’ll be flashy on the screen!”

I feel like screaming my head off.

Transporter room. Uhura is there for some reason and kisses Spock goodbye . . . heh? So, what has Uhura done in this film? Failed to do her duty to relay to Starfleet command what she picked up in Klingon space, complain that her roommate likes sex while doing her instructor, inexplicably as a cadet had access to top secret Starfleet Intelligence files so she could learn Romulan’s three dialects, get put by the hand of destiny in the communications station by default because the Lieutenant manning it before her is complete moron, even more so than most - and support her boyfriend, while leaving her post unmanned as; because after all, what is a woman good for, but to be supportive of her boyfriends. Critical thought, competence, not abandoning her duty? Nah, supporting her boyfriend, that’s important!

Remember how forty years ago, Uhura was written as a serious, competent role? How in the pilot there was a serious, for a while in command, female second officer - but it was Roddenberry’s girlfriend so the networks had some beef with it? Remember how Vulcan was ruled by a competent matriarch that inspired awe in men? Remember how the women Starfleet officers wore what was at the time feminist, female empowering, and female sexuality empowering miniskirts; showing that they were free and empowered? Remember how they failed through sixties limitations to properly show women, but at least gave it their best shot and for the time it was progressive? Forty years later - not so much.

Yes, there it goes; stab number SIX. It’s almost like the writers and director are these demonic serial killers, who hated Star Trek because it was too talky, and now made it flashy Trek Wars while sitting on top of the real Star Trek with knives in their hands repeatedly stabbing it down, screeching: “DIE! DIE! DIE! HAHAHAHA! DIE!” Either that, or they’re incompetent beyond measure and don’t even know themselves what they wrote down - or possessed by demons steering their hands.

Scotty beams Spock and Kirk to the cargo hold of the Nerada where nobody should be in sight. Apparently at the heart of the Federation, the most heavily fortified government seat of the Federation, and the Nerada attacking it - they kept their shields down, otherwise the transport would have failed. It would also have allowed for the easy destruction of the Nerada by the Earth arsenal; but nobody bothered to fire at the hostile, massive nine kilometer ship. This does not compute! Spock and Kirk’s destination turns out to be the engineering nerve center, however. Of course, because Scotty hadn’t quite shown his idiocy yet, we can’t leave him out! I repeat: every character in this movie is an utter, utter, utter moron! Spock and Kirk run off getting shot at and firing back, Nero is warned. “No! NO!” And he runs off.

Spock mind melds with a Romulan and finds out where old-Spock’s ship is, as well as Pike. They reach old-Spock’s ship, and Spock didn’t expect it to be this advanced, because after all, even more blindingly bright iDesign equals advanced. The ship reacts to his voice as it is Spock after all, and young Spock asks when it is build. “Stardate 2378.” Ugh, :smashing head on table: This is even more idiotic! It does’t even have the point and then a more precise designation the original had; apparently a computer working for a Vulcan, built on Vulcan at its science academy designates an entire year as a stardate. January? 303rd day? Let alone Vulcanly hours and minutes? Nah, just year, take a guess as when in that year. And of course, it’s still NOT a stardate. It’s a Christian earth date. Seriously, couldn’t these writers notice how utterly moronic an earth year sounds after ‘stardate’. In fact, this ship is supposed to be from the previous Star Trek timeline right? That means this stardate should be in the 60000, NOT an earthdate year. It seems Spock and Nero are from an entirely alternate reality than the one we’ve been familiar with for the past 40 years; one populate by nothing but idiots like this reality. My head hurts, it feels like it’s going to explode again form the horror of this movie.

:Continues in next part:

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Spot on sexy fella.

Spot on.

We all know most people liked it. Greatly disliking it is not a crime. It's success is unimportant when considering a personal response. If you liked it, good for you. No, really, good for you, I mean it. If some people didn't, they can express that as they please, surely? Again, this review's discussion of various plotholes and poor story logic works for me. This is a forum for discussion and personal response, not "like this film or b****r off".

Obviously, you are quite unaware of 3DMasters posting/trolling history in this forum and his inability to actually listen to anything anyone else says. This is not just some random posters review.There's really nothing new here.

I certainly acknowledge that I rarely come into this forum and don't know any of the posters or their attitudes. You're quite correct to point out my ignorance. However, not knowing this guy, I can only respond to what I read in his review, which works for me. To me, this is all new.

 

[3D Master]

Spock flies off. Kirk goes somewhere . . . idiotic. A ship with massive deep falls, with little tiny walkways across with no railings. As if the deep fall in the E-E in Nemesis wasn’t bad enough; let’s make it WORSE! He sees Nero, across a rather wide divide, on such a tiny walk way. He aims his phaser and starts to order Nero to order his men to shut down the drill or he’ll shoot. Before he can finish, Kirk gets shot . . . BY A GUY STANDING NOT TWO METERS AWAY FROM HIM! Behind Kirk, you say? Nope, in front of him, slightly to Kirk’s right. Nero has to pass the shooter to get to Kirk, meaning Kirk has extreme tunnel vision and either needs glasses, or major eye surgery - some cybernetic eye-implants wouldn’t be a bad idea! My god, is this movie horrible!

Nero beats up Kirk, and he’s going to strangle him to death, saying he’s going to deprive Kirk of his life just like he did Kirk’s father. WHAT THE FUCK!? How the HELL does Nero know he killed Kirk’s father!? What, after the Kelvin smashed into the Nerada he sent a request to the lifeboats: “Please, send over a detailed list of your crew and who is in those boats so I know who I killed? By the way, while you’re at it, could you send over a list of surviving relatives of the dead people, so I may mock them somewhere in the future about having killed their relatives? It’s a personal fetish of mine you see.” And the survivors in the lifeboats going: “Sure, here ya go.” I want to poke my eyes out and tear off my ears this movie is so bad!

Spock shoots the drill. Intercom comes on-line, “The Vulcan ship has been taken, the drill has been destroyed.” Nero stops strangling Kirk, standing straight, and screams, “Kahn! KAAAHN!” Uh, sorry, wrong movie, my mind is trying to numb the pain of this idiocy it seems, by playing good movies inside. He runs and jumps off the walk way to his doom hundreds of meters below - except after a short downward motion he floats more horizontal apparently a nul-gravity lane, and lands on another walkway. And he runs off.

He reaches the bridge - apparently Nero is the Flash. Nero and Spock exchange pleasantries, Nero orders his ship to fire on Spock’s. Spock jumps into warp, and the Nerada . . . goes after it? At warp? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? The Nerada’s ‘warp engine’ much more clearly that the small bits of the Enterprise nacelles, is a giant ass blue flame! A warp engine does not work by busting a flame out the back! A warp engine works by - get this - warping space-time. It does not work on a kinetic impulse from flames out the back, that would be the ‘impulse engines’. And such an engine, will not allow you to break the lightspeed barrier. I suppose that idiotic intro of the tie-in game that has the Enterprise warp-engines with flames out the back, is pretty much the way this shit is actually envisioned. Yes, folks! The creator of Star Trek forty years ago, in a bid for scientific accuracy, plausibility and looking futuristic did NOT want flames out the back of the warp engines. So what does the re-creator forty years later do; flames out the back! “But that’s what Star Wars did, and Star Wars is cool, huhhuh! Look! Heh, heh! I even copied exactly the ships going to lightspeed of Star Wars and stuffed it in Star Trek! Cool huh! You see, I love Star Wars, hate Star Trek, and since old George won’t allow me to make a Star Wars movie, I just turned Star Trek into Star Wars! Huhuh! Smart huh! Aren’t I kewl! Hehheh!” Somebody give me a gun so can blow this bastard’s brains out.

Kirk jumps; but the no-gravity zone that Nero slipped through seems to be gone. He grabs a hold of a ledge, and the Romulan shooter lands, then picks Kirk up by the neck with one hand, and spends his time insulting Kirk and humanity. Kirk shoots the guy with his own gun, and he tumbles, and tumbles, and falls, and falls, and tumbles some more, and only now finally, maybe, comes anywhere close to the bottom. Because you know, lots of people complained about this idiocy in Nemesis, so for this movie they asked JJ Abrams; “You think we should leave that out.” And his answer was: “Of course not! Hell, we’re going to put in an even WORSE version that the one in Nemesis!”

A space battle occurs between Spock and the Nerada. The Nerada fires missiles! . . . that are so slow a present-day Sidewinder would laugh at them. GAH! Spock could probably piss easy dance his ship around them without effort. Anyway, the Enterprise joins in destroying the missiles - needlessly. Kirk reaches Pike, Spock is about to crash his ship; and . . . Scotty beams all three at the same time. Yeah, apparently the Nerada decided to have a space battle WITHOUT RAISING ITS SHIELDS, because if it had, Kirk and Pike would have been screwed!! These people get more moronic by the minute!

Anyway, the giant ball of red matter forms a ‘black hole’ . . . that is not even flicker bigger then one generated by a tiny drop. :sighs:

Nero doesn’t want to be saved, Enterprise and the black hole destroys Nerada. Enterprise tries to get away, but it can’t, not even at warp. This DOES NOT COMPUTE! If they could go to warp, they would be warping space-time, the one thing that would easily allow and counter act the warping done by a black hole. And Kirk asks Scotty to get them out of there . . . Scotty!? SCOTTY!? What happened to the Enterprise’ chief engineer!? Oh, right, it’s destiny that Scotty is the Enterprise’ chief engineer, so the real chief engineer was no doubt simply erased from existence by destiny. ARGH! Scotty’s solution; jettison the cores and hope the explosion gets them free. NO! That wouldn’t work, because riding a detonation is nothing but a kinetic impulse. This does not allow you to reach speeds faster than the speed of light, warp drive DOES, warp drive is thus a GREATER acceleration (let alone that whole warp drive countering the black hole’s warping space thing) than a mere explosion could provide, which means the explosion would do nothing. Of course, this movie and its creators don’t give a damn about science, so the ship gets free anyway.

Spock meets old-Spock. Old-Spock says he sent Kirk alone to the Enterprise because he could not deprive the two of the experience of how much they can accomplish together and the start of a beautiful friendship. Oh, so THAT is why you did it! Because after all, a gentle explanation and then letting the two work together with Kirk as the captain, would deprive them of doing that! But letting Kirk go in there, and forcing Spock to lose control of his emotions one of the most horrible things you can do to a Vulcan and Spock in particular, then do it in public, publically humiliating him in the process and then hijacking his command away from him, now THAT will most certainly lead to a great friendship! <– SENILE!

Kirk has his graduation ceremony and is immediately captain! Because after all, someone doesn’t need hard work, dedication, seasoning and experience in lower ranks to make a great captain! Nope, just getting the pure luck of an opponent that’s an even bigger moron than you are, who only didn’t get defeated by planetary defenses before you could get there because the Earth people are even BIGGER morons for not firing at it; now THAT makes you great a captain! Oh, and everybody is perfect happily, and clapping and cheering; after all; who cares about 6 billion souls, the near annihilation and genocide of an entire species (granted, because they were too stupid to establish colonies long before, but still), and destruction of their planet, a founding-member of the Federation? Right. A mean a single hint that it might be bitter sweet might make this movie have at least some depth, right? Depth? In a JJ Abrams Trek Wars? NAH!

THIS MOVIE SUCKS!! It is horrible. Only 4, FOUR, scenes in this entire pile of shit that aren’t ridden with plotholes, idiocies, scientific bullshit, or asshole characters you rather shoot than watch a movie about.

The camera-work, the editing, the FUCKING LENSE FLARES that obscure the picture and look idiotic, is horrible on a whole new scale. You spend more time craning your neck, causing neck panes, to try and see what’s going on because a. the camera is on its side, and b. it’s too damn close! And it’s throughout the ENTIRE movie! I pretty much stop commenting on it, or this review would have become twice as long, and it’s already ridiculously long because of the utter ludicrous amount of plotholes and idiocies in this horrendous pile of shit.

But that is just the beginning. The writing is HORRIBLE. And I’m not even talking about the plotholes! I’m talking about the fact that there is nothing there but shallow, juvenile jokes and SFX scenes. The most egregious of this being the Spock / Uhura relationship. I’m still waiting on the explanation why oh why mister logical Vulcan that won’t see a woman unless he’s mentally compromised, not only is suddenly in relationship with a woman, but with one of his STUDENTS! Hell, you might for a moment mistake that we might get a theme: Robau, deals with a no-win scenario, George Kirk deals with a no-win scenario, Kirk derides and cheats on the academy no-win scenario and at the hearing it showed him to be immature and unable of forward thinking, he really just cheated for the heck of it, Pike deals with a no-win scenario - so, maybe Kirk has to a face a no-win scenario, something that forces him to grow up, and make a believable captain? NAH! Kirk is perfect the way he is! He didn’t need learn anything, the cadet is 100% great from beginning to end, despite being an asshole.

And then there’s the plotholes. Yes, I’ve mentioned them at the beginning of this epilogue, but they deserve another mention. THERE ARE SO MANY! Over and over and over again, scene after scene! It makes Nemesis look like good, coherently writing movie - and that was plothole ridden pile of shit. I couldn’t write a movie this bad if I deliberately tried! Well, now that I’ve scene this, I could conceive it, but after about a page or two or three; my hands would lock up, and refuse to write more. And the ones I named, I know, aren’t even all of them! I know I glossed over several of them as they are small in comparison to the ones I mentioned, and more than that, being so shocked at the utter absurdness of many things, I probably missed another load of them.

And now, we’ve only talked about Star Trek as a movie, as a Star Trek movie . . . GHORRIBLE! Everything good in Star Trek was tossed out the window after being shredded into pieces, and everything that was bad in Star Trek, was made WORSE. Exemplified by every stab in Star Trek’s heart that I mentioned about. Six of them! And the total disregard, for everything that made Trek Trek is STAGGERING! The fact that it turned this into Star Wars, right down to engine going to FTL SFX, is just . . . AAAARGGH!! It is a horrible movie on its own, but as a Star Trek movie it is FAR BEYOND horrible. It is far beyond putrid. I said I’d be trying to describe this movie in a few words, come on, come on . . . yes!

This movie is sick and wrong!

In fact, reading over this review again, I’d say, if I didn’t know any better, this is a demonically possessed horror; created and written, and infused with unholy rituals and magic, that if only enough people watch it, it’ll come to life, jump out of the screen and start killing ev-

RAAARGH!

“FUCK ME!!”

:running: “Somebody get me a phaser!”

ROAR!

:catches a phaser: “Are you nuts man!? This one based upon this movie; it’s just as demonic in origin, it’ll only empower it! Get me the real deal!”

GROWL!

:catches another phaser: “Oh, yeah, EAT PHASED ENERGY, BITCH!!”

 

[Bishbot]

We all know most people liked it. Greatly disliking it is not a crime. It's success is unimportant when considering a personal response. If you liked it, good for you. No, really, good for you, I mean it. If some people didn't, they can express that as they please, surely? Again, this review's discussion of various plotholes and poor story logic works for me. This is a forum for discussion and personal response, not "like this film or b****r off".

Of course, but NO-ONE is going to read this, so there's no point him putting it on the internet. It's the kind of nitpicking that would go on if nits themselves had smaller nits that they then had to pick. The ridiculously specific standards the OP holds the movie to, which essentially boil down to: "Why didn't they produce my fan-script?" make any review by him completely pointless.

 

[RAMA]

Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all before, only YOUR criticism on the movie is correct, not the 96% of legitimate critics, or the 85-90% of viewers who voted they liked it, or the 33.426 million ticket buyers who voted with their wallets. Don't call us, we'll call YOU after the sequel.

RAMA

Spot on sexy fella.

Spot on.

We all know most people liked it. Greatly disliking it is not a crime. It's success is unimportant when considering a personal response. If you liked it, good for you. No, really, good for you, I mean it. If some people didn't, they can express that as they please, surely? Again, this review's discussion of various plotholes and poor story logic works for me. This is a forum for discussion and personal response, not "like this film or b****r off".

In this case, I think he's seen the movie weeks ago, and now all of a sudden, after pretty much all the reviews have been made here, he decides to post this....so we pretty much know the reason why. I know that no movie will ever have perfect reviews but at this point he's preaching to the choir...all dozen or so purists who dislike the film.

Edit: BTW I just noticed he's a Duke Nukem and bad anime fanatic...oh boy...

RAMA