The Speed of Relationships Falling Apart

[Me-Ike]

Pretty much right now (via e-mail, anything else would get too hot) I am having a major meltdown with my father. Short backstory: One year ago my parents split up, a few months later my father had a new girlfriend, ever since we have been having problems.

It's not his girlfriend's fault (at least not that I am aware of) but has more to do with misinterpretation of things said and done, lots of bottled up anger, and the penchant my family has for being stubborn fools who cannot admit to things they did wrong. (I am including myself here.)

Anyway, I used to be a real father's daughter, if you know what I mean. Although I have a brother and a sister, I was always closest to him. And yet, such a short time later, we're barely talking to each other. Right now I am trying to salvage this by writing him mails, but it is incredibly hard and a lot of baggage to get rid of. He is also shooting very sharp, lots of anger there. We certainly will never go back to the kind of relationship we had before.

What amazes me the most, though, is how quickly this happened. How quickly my family of five, the strongest bond I have known in my life, spiraled in five different directions. How quickly rage was fostered, accusations brought forth, and, all in all, bonds broken. It's mind-boggling, really. You blink and all of a sudden you're alone, without ever having had the intention for it to be that way.

Know anything similar? Ever been in a relationship which went poof although you tried to hold onto it so hard? Share, I feel that even telling this now helps a little.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I don't know of anything similar in my experience, but I wish the best for you and your family. You might want to reach out in person and apologize for anything you've said that you regret. Tell him you don't want to lose him and that you love him no matter what. (if you indeed do) Good luck. You sound like a good daughter.

 

[Me-Ike]

^

Reaching out is what I'm trying to do right now. Mails are just the first step, to get the first major blows out of the way by using a medium through which we have a little more control. I'll talk to him in person eventually.
Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Mr Awe]

I am very sorry to hear this. I'm a father who is very close to my daughter. She's 4 years old and Daddy's girl. I hope it is always this way. It would be tragic to lose this. So, hearing your story makes me feel sad.

Please try to repair your relationship. Regardless of who's fault it is, it's not worth losing it. Maybe let a little time go by to let things calm down a bit, but don't let go of it.

Mr Awe

 

[An Officer]

You're probably still in a bit of shock. You'll feel better once that wears off.
I'm sorry you feel so bad right now.

 

[Chaos Descending]

I don't want to go into details, but something similar happened between myself and my Aunt, who was like a second mother to me.

It's been a few years now and we are not on speaking terms. I wish I knew exactly what to do about it, but in order to reconcile, the problems that let to the falling out have to be solved first, and there's no sign of that on the horizon.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

Pretty much right now (via e-mail, anything else would get too hot) I am having a major meltdown with my father. Short backstory: One year ago my parents split up, a few months later my father had a new girlfriend, ever since we have been having problems.

It's not his girlfriend's fault (at least not that I am aware of) but has more to do with misinterpretation of things said and done, lots of bottled up anger, and the penchant my family has for being stubborn fools who cannot admit to things they did wrong. (I am including myself here.)

Anyway, I used to be a real father's daughter, if you know what I mean. Although I have a brother and a sister, I was always closest to him. And yet, such a short time later, we're barely talking to each other. Right now I am trying to salvage this by writing him mails, but it is incredibly hard and a lot of baggage to get rid of. He is also shooting very sharp, lots of anger there. We certainly will never go back to the kind of relationship we had before.

What amazes me the most, though, is how quickly this happened. How quickly my family of five, the strongest bond I have known in my life, spiraled in five different directions. How quickly rage was fostered, accusations brought forth, and, all in all, bonds broken. It's mind-boggling, really. You blink and all of a sudden you're alone, without ever having had the intention for it to be that way.

Know anything similar? Ever been in a relationship which went poof although you tried to hold onto it so hard? Share, I feel that even telling this now helps a little.

Almost the same thing with me, except my situation turned out better.


I was always daddy's little girl and when my parents divorced, my mom let my brother and I choose where we wanted to live so of course I chose to stay with my dad and my mom was hurt by that decision but I didn't care because my mom and I didn't get along when I was younger (we are great now) and when she divorced my dad, she was my ultimate enemy because I saw how much she hurt him that day.

The first three years were great. It was just my dad and I. Then, my older brother (who is from my dad's first marriage) moved in as well, which was fine, because the three of us were the closest while my younger brother was a big momma's boy.

For some reason, shortly after my older brother moved in, dad changed and started coming home from work angry all the time and wouldn't talk to me or my brother. This went on for a long time and I was pissed at the situation because I was the one who always stood in his corner and I was the one who chose to stay with him when he would have otherwise been alone and this is the repayment?

After I moved into my own place, it was about a month or two before he decided to drop the BS and we've been great ever since. We go to a lot of baseball games, talk about hockey, all those things.

No one ever knows when their time on earth will be up. Fighting with the people you love isn't worth it.

 

[Me-Ike]

I am very sorry to hear this. I'm a father who is very close to my daughter. She's 4 years old and Daddy's girl. I hope it is always this way. It would be tragic to lose this. So, hearing your story makes me feel sad.

Please try to repair your relationship. Regardless of who's fault it is, it's not worth losing it. Maybe let a little time go by to let things calm down a bit, but don't let go of it.

Mr Awe

Don't be sad, I'm sure a falling out of this multitude happens not very often. And besides, it's a family thing; we're just stubborn idiots. I'm sure your daughter and you won't make the same mistakes we made.

I sure will try to save whatever can be saved. Time is on my side on this, and it tends to heal some wounds.

You're probably still in a bit of shock. You'll feel better once that wears off.
I'm sorry you feel so bad right now.

Thank you.
The shock has more or less passed already, it's what incited me to write the first mail. It's the bottled up rage right now which makes things complicated.

I don't want to go into details, but something similar happened between myself and my Aunt, who was like a second mother to me.

It's been a few years now and we are not on speaking terms. I wish I knew exactly what to do about it, but in order to reconcile, the problems that let to the falling out have to be solved first, and there's no sign of that on the horizon.

I can absolutely relate to that. After a while the problems just have piled up, interwoven themselves somehow, and it is so freakishly complicated to find the first thread. And when you do, it's like opening this can of worms.
I hope for you that one day you will find a way to somehow fix this, if at least partially.

ETA:

No one ever knows when their time on earth will be up. Fighting with the people you love isn't worth it.

That is most certainly true and should always be the motivator behind every argument (or better: the ending thereof). It's what I try to remind myself of when I get too angry with my dad.

But yes, this business about who hurt whom and how also plays a role and makes it never easy to stay on good terms with everybody. I'm glad to hear that it eventually worked out between you and your dad.

 

[Mr Awe]

After I moved into my own place, it was about a month or two before he decided to drop the BS and we've been great ever since.

Just curious, but did he ever say what the problem was?

Mr Awe

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

After I moved into my own place, it was about a month or two before he decided to drop the BS and we've been great ever since.

Just curious, but did he ever say what the problem was?

Mr Awe

He basically started falling apart after the marriage ended. The first three years were more of him taking it really hard because him and my mom had been together for a very long time and it was one of those things where he just felt like he was losing almost everything he loved the most.

Then, more fighting started because my mom was always going after his money and, even though he had me, he didn't get any pay for me and couldn't afford to go fighting for it.

It was total BS and wasn't fair at all. Each parent had a kid and, yeah, my dad made more money but it's not like my mom didn't have money. She always gets positions at work that offer great pay so it wasn't as if she was scraping by and, I am not sure if this is 100% true, but my dad told me she tried to take the house (my dad and I lived in the house while she went from apartment to apartment) but I never thought my mom was that way.....unless it was some way for her to get the courts to force me to live with her.

My dad gets angry easily and had no one else to take it out on so my brother and I were the best sources so we both just got out of the house a hell of a lot more so we could avoid it.

It was one big emotional thing and my dad tends to have a hard time letting things go.

 

[Mr Awe]

Sounds rough on everyone. Really rough. I sincerely hope you're all in a better emotional place now.

Mr Awe

 

[Me-Ike]

^ Money is always such a complicating factor. It's what both parties very often use to settle some score on which they feel they have been handed the short end of the stick.
And then it gets dirty.

To update my situation, after my father wrote his very hurtful mail, I tried to answer as calmly as I could and concentrated mainly on the reasons which I could discern caused his anger in the first place. I tried to explain myself and eradicate any possible misjudgments.

As a reply I received a very quick "it's okay", an update on how he is doing, and that he is hoping that we might do something together some day. It feels a little rushed and I am not quite satisfied yet, as I didn't get to hear him explaining himself so far, but at least we are talking.

 

[freak]

Me-Ike, so sorry to hear of your situation. When a divorce is involved or a break up, it's like the kids are stuck in the middle, deciding who to live with and so-forth. That puts the children in a horrible position and both parties argue constantly. While I haven't had any previous experiences involving divorce, I do know what it's like to feel like you have to walk on eggshells every night when your Dad comes home from work, always afraid that he'll explode at the drop of a hat and doesn't talk much to you. I hope things smooth out soon for both of you. I have once small piece of advice-why don't you let things cool off by not sending him emails or mail messages for the time being? Maybe waiting a few weeks(or months for that matter) will settle things(maybe not resolve them just yet however) and make your relationship a bit stronger in the end? That's what I would do if I were you though. It might pain you to do that, but maybe that will be what it would take for him to worry a little bit about you.

 

[Arrqh]

^ Money is always such a complicating factor. It's what both parties very often use to settle some score on which they feel they have been handed the short end of the stick.
And then it gets dirty.

Yeah, I can identify with that... my parents very recently got divorced (as in everything was finally over and done with about 2 months ago). When it started I knew that it would suck, but at the same time my parents are both intelligent, reasonable people and neither one of them were jerks. So I figured it would be painful and awkward but wouldn't have any petty squabbling.

Turns out, nope. And what did all the squabbling revolve around? Money. Sigh. Of course the current economic situation in the US didn't exactly help. I'm 27 and living pretty much on the other side of the continent from them now so I was insulated from a lot of it... but hearing them both complain about it on the phone was bad enough. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through if I was still living at home.

 

[Me-Ike]

Me-Ike, so sorry to hear of your situation. When a divorce is involved or a break up, it's like the kids are stuck in the middle, deciding who to live with and so-forth. That puts the children in a horrible position and both parties argue constantly. While I haven't had any previous experiences involving divorce, I do know what it's like to feel like you have to walk on eggshells every night when your Dad comes home from work, always afraid that he'll explode at the drop of a hat and doesn't talk much to you. I hope things smooth out soon for both of you. I have once small piece of advice-why don't you let things cool off by not sending him emails or mail messages for the time being? Maybe waiting a few weeks(or months for that matter) will settle things(maybe not resolve them just yet however) and make your relationship a bit stronger in the end? That's what I would do if I were you though. It might pain you to do that, but maybe that will be what it would take for him to worry a little bit about you.

Thank you for your advice, but it's pretty much what has already happened. I need to add that I am no longer living at home and, thankfully, it's not about who is going to live with whom. It's just our respective relationships which need to be rearranged; and since I have always had a very close one with my father, this is quite a blow. It's similar to what Arrghman just mentioned, only with me living closer to my parents and its not being so much about money (yet).
Anyway, I tried to let things cool off by not writing mails for a while, but that only made him angrier. He didn't understand why I didn't contact him anymore, whereas I was hoping that he might make the first step for once.

It's really convulted and I'm telling only half of it; there are so many details which I don't really want to get into now nor bore anyone with. But I am grateful for all the responses so far. You're all being really nice.

 

[Omnius]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Me-Ike.
I hope your friendship with your dad will get better soon!

 

[RJDiogenes]

Sorry to hear all this, Me-Ike. I hope everything settles down for you guys soon.

My family was never exactly close, so I've never had to deal with anything like this. I never liked the drama so whenever they acted up, I'd just go away somewhere until it was over.

 

[Me-Ike]

^ Thank you both very much.
I think before things get to settle down, we need to make my father see that we are not all against him. For some reason he truly believes that.

Usually, I also tended to avoid the drama, but my father and I were so very similar in personality that the arguments which turned nuclear, the ones about which the neighbours still speak in a hushed whisper, were between me and him. No running out there.