I apologize in advance for stealing JKTim's shtick, but there are some things that really must be said.
Dear Jacksonville Jaguars,
STOP SUCKING.
Dear Mike Smith,
Please come back. Please.
Dear Gregg Williams,
I'm starting to understand why you didn't become head coach of the Redskins. The defense doesn't give a shit about what's happening on the field, and whatever the reason for that is, you have a responsibility to FIX IT. And if you don't care either, that's obviously showing on the field and it is NOT doing you any favors in your inevitable search for a new job next year.
Dear Jack Del Rio,
This team has no passion. What the FUCK have you done to them? You cannot run a football team like it's a business. You must run it like it means something, or the players won't give a shit if they win or lose. And outside of Garrard, Fred, Mojo, and a handful of others, THEY DON'T. If not for the last three years and your five-year contract, I'd be telling YOU to get fucked as well. As it is, FIX the fucking problems instead of bandaging them.
Dear Secondary and Special Teams,
When someone is running, FUCKING CHASE THEM, don't just dance around going HURR DURR HES FAST! You're defining the "special" part of Special Teams. Worthless motherfucking wastes of oxygen!
Dear Brian Witherspoon,
You suck. Suck suck suck. And what's ironic is that you probably couldn't suck dick to save your life. Fuck off and stop dropping every other kick.
Dear Derrick Harvey,
Thanks for finally making mortgaging the draft look like something other than a transparent ploy to sell more tickets to Gator fans. Where the hell have you been the rest of this year?
Dear David Garrard,
I understand you have absolutely no assistance from the offensive line or the receivers. But please stop throwing into triple coverage. Just run and slide.
Dear Offensive Line,
We are at Week 14. Why the FUCK are you still be playing like it's the pre-season? I don't expect you to be perfect; three of you are backups for a reason, but I expect to seem some ACTUAL PROGRESS. Open some fucking holes for our runners and give Garrard more than 0.53 seconds to pass the damn ball.
Dear Wide Receivers and Tight Ends,
Go to hell. Alternatively, grow some balls/feet/legs/whatever and GET OPEN. Also, grow some brains and stop running the wrong routes and dropping balls IN YOUR HANDS. When Maurice Jones-Drew is running circles around you, literally, to catch balls, something is not right. When you cannot get open against the Bears, one of the WORST pass defenses in the NFL, something is HORRIBLY WRONG. The motherfucking BEARS. I hope you all get lit on fire so we can get some roster spots open.
Dear Matt Jones,
Why oh why did you do drugs? MORON! You and MoJo are the entire receiving corps right now. And I never thought I'd ever say I'll miss you.
Dear Jerry Porter,
Get FUCKED. You've done nothing but warm the bench for $10 million. Your teammates won't talk to you, your coaches won't talk to you, and you make no effort to make any sort of a positive contribution to the team. You've fucked us in the ass all season, now it's your turn to get what's coming to you.
Absolutely no love except to Joe Zelenka,
Turbo