What if: Berman Led Star Trek Remake?

[F. King Daniel]

Now, I don’t know how the new Trek remake (don’t start on that ‘is it a remake’ shit, thanks) is going to turn out. It might be the best film ever, or it could be the final nail in Trek’s coffin. But what makes me optimistic about it is that it’s being done by a totally new team, and will bring a fresh perspective to Star Trek (a la Batman Begins).
But what if it wasn’t?

What if the ‘old guard’ (Next Gen/DS9/Voy/Ent) were behind a remake? Am I alone in cringing at the thought? Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed Enterprise (and I thought Nemesis was one of the best Trek films) but could you imagine it?

Kirk as an early-Trip-like hillbilly. Spock as an Enterprise-style Vulcan (or worse, that Vulcan from Voyager that fancied the Klingon woman). The re-imagined Enterprise cobbled together from old Voy/DS9/Ent sets. Romulans with those horrific TNG shoulder pads and haircuts. Trek uniform one-piece PJ’s with those stupid shoulder stripes. A completely American cast living The American Way™ (Voy and Ent really missed the point of Trek, here). Endless namedropping and references to other Treks (cadet Kirk in Red Squad, endless drivel about his hero Captain Archer, eating at Sisko’s great-great-grandfathers, drinking Picard wine, getting career advice from Young Boothby etc.)
Problems solved with nonsense technobabble (“Invert the poloron flux matrix to oh-point-four-percent!” “Genius idea Captain! Their shields are failing! They’re retreating!” – roll credits. More than one Voyager ended like this). *Shudder*

Yes, that’s the worst-case scenario version, but my point is that Star Trek really needs fresh blood. It’s going to get it. Hopefully it won’t have AIDS and die a final death.

 

[Michael]

I think I agree with most of your points, but that last sentence had me go ...

 

[Mr. Adventure]

One word: "Enterprise"

 

[The Wormhole]

Diss Berman all you want. At least he knew that a four digit registry shouldn't begin with zero. And aside from the Enterprise D in AGT, all Starfleet ships designed in Berman era had an even number of nacelles.

 

[The Mirrorball Man]

Diss Berman all you want. At least he knew that a four digit registry shouldn't begin with zero. And aside from the Enterprise D in AGT, all Starfleet ships designed in Berman era had an even number of nacelles.

I guess that's a nice set of skills, but they're not much help if you're trying to make an entertaining movie.

 

[Ovation]

Diss Berman all you want. At least he knew that a four digit registry shouldn't begin with zero. And aside from the Enterprise D in AGT, all Starfleet ships designed in Berman era had an even number of nacelles.

I'm glad he got the ESSENTIALS right. If that's all you've got (either for Berman or against Abrams), you've got nothin'!

 

[Mister_Atoz]

Well let's see, he'd probably hire that awful Braga to write it so...

Old Spock would be replaced with crewman Daniels in his PVC fetish wear, and all the women would be wearing cat suits. The villains wouldn't be Romulans, they'd be time travelers from the future, or perhaps some sort of trans-dimensional beings, probably both, oh and all their women would be wearing skin tight cat suits too. He'd threw in just enough time travel and alternate realities to confuse the hell out of the audience then end with a giant reset button.

 

[Basil]

While I do have reservations about Abrams' version -- in part from some of the trash-mouthing he makes about the original series -- they're nothing compared to the outright terror I would feel if Berman were in charge.

On a sidenote, Abrams and Braga are both white, dorky, beady-eyed, and wear nerd glasses, in their early 40s, have similar unflattering takes on the original series, envision a future run almost entirely by caucasians, and have produced mediocre, derivative TV series about a team of scientific misfits investigating strange crimes . . . the eerie similarities give me more pause than the idea of Berman rising from the crypt.

 

[Sheridan]

If Berman led a Star Trek remake it would probably be a low budget direct-to-dvd movie like the Stargate movies. He'd also probably figure out some inane way to fit cameos from every prior Trek series in the movie. And of course, full of technobabble.

 

[ialfan]

If Berman led a Star Trek remake it would probably be a low budget direct-to-dvd movie like the Stargate movies. He'd also probably figure out some inane way to fit cameos from every prior Trek series in the movie. And of course, full of technobabble.

Yes, because all of the blame lies with Berman and not any with the writers...

 

[ncc74302]

He would probably be very pleased.

 

[Sector 7]

If Berman led a Star Trek remake it would probably be a low budget direct-to-dvd movie like the Stargate movies. He'd also probably figure out some inane way to fit cameos from every prior Trek series in the movie. And of course, full of technobabble.

Yes, because all of the blame lies with Berman and not any with the writers...

Like the sign on President Truman's desk said, "The buck stops here."

 

[I am not Spock]

While I do have reservations about Abrams' version -- in part from some of the trash-mouthing he makes about the original series -- they're nothing compared to the outright terror I would feel if Berman were in charge.

On a sidenote, Abrams and Braga are both white, dorky, beady-eyed, and wear nerd glasses, in their early 40s, have similar unflattering takes on the original series, envision a future run almost entirely by caucasians, and have produced mediocre, derivative TV series about a team of scientific misfits investigating strange crimes . . . the eerie similarities give me more pause than the idea of Berman rising from the crypt.

Oh my god, you're right! Oh no, hopefully this means we're not in for more of the same poop with a different shovel

 

[c0rnedfr0g]

Bless Berman's heart; the franchise owes him a lot. But the franchise definitely started to feel tired and in need of new blood. BLOOD!!

 

[Samurai8472]

"This movie will be *chokes up* a Valentine to fans"

 

[Qonos]

Diss Berman all you want. At least he knew that a four digit registry shouldn't begin with zero. And aside from the Enterprise D in AGT, all Starfleet ships designed in Berman era had an even number of nacelles, except when they didn't

fixed. (all good things, bobw)

 

[Jon1701]

Well, Nemesis and TATV aside, I enjoyed the vast majority of Berman's Trek. I think, after 25 seasons and 4 movies under his stewardship everyone involved got burned out by the end.

In reflection, its probably a good thing it ended when it did, but I still would have looked forward to a new Trek series with him at the helm.

 

[The Wormhole]

If that's all you've got (either for Berman or against Abrams), you've got nothin'!

On the contrary, I've got everything!

 

[Trevacious]

What if the ‘old guard’ (Next Gen/DS9/Voy/Ent) were behind a remake? Am I alone in cringing at the thought? Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed Enterprise (and I thought Nemesis was one of the best Trek films) but could you imagine it?

If you enjoyed Enterprise and Nemesis, I'm surprised you'd cringe at the thought of having the same team in charge of the relaunch.

 

[Ovation]

If that's all you've got (either for Berman or against Abrams), you've got nothin'!

On the contrary, I've got everything!

Such picayune examples do not a serious critique make. But hey, whatever keeps you warm at night, I suppose.