Is phonesex cheating?

[PluckyNinja]

I say yes.

My girlfriend was talking to an ex of hers on the phone and somehow got on the topic of a "special" night they had once shared. He did his thing while he listened. My girlfriend is now mad at ME because I read about it in her email. She apologized for what she did (though didn't seem too sorry about it) and wants me to apologize for reading her email. I read her email because I was suspicious, my suspicions turned out to be valid. My point of view is that what she did was much worse, she doesn't seem to think so. Even if I'm an asshole for what I did, I'd rather be an asshole and know the truth then not be an asshole and be in the dark. Of course I'm very angry and upset at the situation so any views or opinions from unbiased sources would be very welcome.

 

[Koinek]

Let the internet decide who to blame:
SideTaker

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

If one feels the need to conceal it, then yes, it's cheating.

 

[Captain Intrepid]

If it's something she wouldn't be comfortable doing in front of your Grandma, it probably isn't good.

 

[Jethro Elvis]

It's only cheating if you charge it to her credit card.

 

[Roshi]

Yes, that's cheating. Dump her. She did it once, she'll do it again.

 

[auntiehill]

While I disagree with reading someone's email (it's a violation of privacy), I would say that engaging in phone sex with an ex would constitute cheating, especially if she did this while you two are still together. Which I gather was the case.

While it is not the actual sex act, it is an act designed to give her ex-boyfriend sexual gratification. I think that clearly indicates that she is still somehow involved with him, and you should have her hit the proverbial road.

It's not right to snoop, but neither is it right to let someone believe you are exclusive when you obviously are still emotionally invested in someone else. So, as a completely disinterested married person, I would say YES, she's cheating.

PS...a very common technique to differ blame is to turn the argument back onto the their accuser. She is totally caught red-handed, so she tries to save face by pointing out YOUR faults instead. A dead give-away of guilt, in my opinion.

 

[Danoz]

This is very simple, though it may not feel this way from your perspective right now.

You don't trust her. GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

 

[Pingfah]

I'm interested to know why you were suspicious in the first place.

 

[Amaris]

My personal opinion of course, but yes. I believe that phone sex with someone other than your wife is cheating.

J.

 

[cultcross]

Yes, I'd say that was definitely cheating.
The way I see it, if you wouldn't do it with your other half in the room too, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

[Saul]

Dump her.

If you are suspicions you'll always be. Relationships like that never last and you'll just make yourself miserable.

 

[nevermore]

I'm interested to know why you were suspicious in the first place.

And why you felt that the best reaction was to commit a gross privacy violation rather than having an honest discussion.

Though, frankly, it sounds like the relationship is pretty well shot. She's still pursuing other options for one reason or another and you don't trust her or respect her very much. You're both clearly unhappy to some extent and I'd just call it a day.

 

[PluckyNinja]

I'm interested to know why you were suspicious in the first place.

And why you felt that the best reaction was to commit a gross privacy violation rather than having an honest discussion.

Though, frankly, it sounds like the relationship is pretty well shot. She's still pursuing other options for one reason or another and you don't trust her or respect her very much. You're both clearly unhappy to some extent and I'd just call it a day.

She told me she was talking to him. She said right off the bad that there was no emotional involvement and he was no threat to our relationship. She did not disclose the subject matter they discussed. I did try to have a discussion with her. She claimed there was nothing going on. I'm not sure why, but I didn't believe her.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

Engaging in phone sex is cheating and is therefore wrong.

Rooting around in someone's private email is a gross invasion of privacy and is also wrong.

Sounds like this is a regular match made in heaven.

 

[nevermore]

I'm interested to know why you were suspicious in the first place.

And why you felt that the best reaction was to commit a gross privacy violation rather than having an honest discussion.

Though, frankly, it sounds like the relationship is pretty well shot. She's still pursuing other options for one reason or another and you don't trust her or respect her very much. You're both clearly unhappy to some extent and I'd just call it a day.

She told me she was talking to him. She said right off the bad that there was no emotional involvement and he was no threat to our relationship. She did not disclose the subject matter they discussed. I did try to have a discussion with her. She claimed there was nothing going on. I'm not sure why, but I didn't believe her.

She may not have seen it as a threat to your relationship. She may have never intended to have things turn out the way they did, but of course, if you two had an agreement of exclusivity, then she should have approached the situation differently. On the other hand, your violation of her privacy is just as bad in relationship terms as anything she did. You'll never trust her, with good cause, and she'll never trust you, with good cause, so, like I said, go your separate ways.

 

[Pingfah]

Yeah, sometimes you just know when someone is bullshitting you though, and if they won't admit it you have little recourse but to satisfy yourself. You should have already made the decision to end it regardless of what you find by that point though.

 

[M'Sharak]

I say yes.

My girlfriend was talking to an ex of hers on the phone and somehow got on the topic of a "special" night they had once shared. He did his thing while he listened. My girlfriend is now mad at ME because I read about it in her email. She apologized for what she did (though didn't seem too sorry about it) and wants me to apologize for reading her email. I read her email because I was suspicious, my suspicions turned out to be valid. My point of view is that what she did was much worse, she doesn't seem to think so. Even if I'm an asshole for what I did, I'd rather be an asshole and know the truth then not be an asshole and be in the dark. Of course I'm very angry and upset at the situation so any views or opinions from unbiased sources would be very welcome.

I'd say you've both got issues which need to be addressed, whether you do it individually or do it together.

 

[nevermore]

Yeah, sometimes you just know when someone is bullshitting you though, and if they won't admit it you have little recourse but to satisfy yourself. You should have already made the decision to end it regardless of what you find by that point though.

Well, yeah. What's the point of confirming your suspicions when doing so violates the relationship in and of itself? What would have happened if he had looked at her email and found nothing? Then he would have been guilty of a complete asshole move and by doing it would have been faced with the option of either lying to her by omission (same thing she's guilty of-violating trust and not admitting it) or telling her, which would have ended the relationship anyway (assuming this girl has any self-respect at all). It's a catch-22, so you're right, one would have to go into it with the understanding that the relationship is over regardless of what he found.

He could have just taken the high road, told her that he knew that she wasn't disclosing everything and ended it based on the fact that the relationship clearly sucked anyway.

 

[Gertch]

I say yes.

My girlfriend was talking to an ex of hers on the phone and somehow got on the topic of a "special" night they had once shared.

I agree. And such is one consequence of casual sex.

If you can't trust someone and have to start snooping you might as well hang it up or work together on building trust.