Dad needed to understand why I stay in therapy. I refer to that part of myself as a monster that needs to be kept in check. And this year has been a hard one. The monster clawed at me from the cage.
Mental Wellness Support Group
- Thread starter Twilight Phoenix
- Start date
Losing your support network sucks. My best friend of 13 years, with whom I've been really emotionally intimate and we leaned on each other for all kinds of support, has been very busy in the past few months after some major changes in their life, so we've been mostly able to meet up twice a week for our morning jogs which did a whole lot of heavy lifting for my mental health since Covid started, especially after I realized I was trans. But in early May, my employer has abruptly instituted new office attendance requirements that, combined with my friend's busy schedule, have made it all but impossible for me to have these morning jogs outside of every second Friday. Which of course means that if anything comes up on that Friday, that's another two weeks of not seeing anyone to whom I could talk to about my feelings openly. And now, for the second two-week period in a row, something came up.
I do have other friends but none with the same length of shared history and level of emotional intimacy, and they have commutes that rule out casual meetups unless they already have business in the area. And now my stress levels and feelings of being alone in a crowd are through the roof because instead of one weekday of my choice, I have to go to my almost exclusively cishet male office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, with all three of my direct coworkers having cynism, fragile masculinity and anti-wokeism constitute their entire personalities (and I can't even request a transfer because there's a total moratorium on new roles without degrees in programming or data science, as "automation is the way of the future"; also, with the pay raise I've just got, switching jobs would practically guarantee a huge hit to my financial status). Just why.
I do have other friends but none with the same length of shared history and level of emotional intimacy, and they have commutes that rule out casual meetups unless they already have business in the area. And now my stress levels and feelings of being alone in a crowd are through the roof because instead of one weekday of my choice, I have to go to my almost exclusively cishet male office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, with all three of my direct coworkers having cynism, fragile masculinity and anti-wokeism constitute their entire personalities (and I can't even request a transfer because there's a total moratorium on new roles without degrees in programming or data science, as "automation is the way of the future"; also, with the pay raise I've just got, switching jobs would practically guarantee a huge hit to my financial status). Just why.
That sucks. *HUGS*
Hang in there.
I have crazy coworkers too. The conspiracy theorists provide entertainment. The pandemic taught me that people are far dumber than I could ever imagine.
The National novel writing month folks tend to have stuff going on in the summer. Check them out if you like to write. I also go to a book club once a month. It’s good to get out unless the air will boil your lungs.
Got a call this morning about a medical referral from like 18 months ago. I turned it down because in the intervening 18 months I've improved a lot and didn't think three hours of driving to a clinic and all the other stuff I'd have to go through would help improve me more and that I was already on the right track.
But then I started to have an anxiety attack that I made the wrong decision and should have done it anyway, despite my problems being anxiety related not physical and participating in the clinic would probably make them worse because then I'd be focusing on them all the time.
Was messaging my girlfriend for a bit while I was freaking out and she told me she'd support whatever decision I made but from her perspective she didn't think I needed the intensive clinic either. Ended up taking my first pill in 6 weeks to get hold of it. Of course I forgot I had a conference call with a dozen people and had to hop on it still freaking out. Pill kicked in about halfway through.
But then I started to have an anxiety attack that I made the wrong decision and should have done it anyway, despite my problems being anxiety related not physical and participating in the clinic would probably make them worse because then I'd be focusing on them all the time.
Was messaging my girlfriend for a bit while I was freaking out and she told me she'd support whatever decision I made but from her perspective she didn't think I needed the intensive clinic either. Ended up taking my first pill in 6 weeks to get hold of it. Of course I forgot I had a conference call with a dozen people and had to hop on it still freaking out. Pill kicked in about halfway through.
***HUG***
While that sounds incredibly awkward and painful, I appreciate that you powered through it, and glad you were able to find support and keep going. Hopefully you keep finding resources to help!
It sounds like you have a supportive girlfriend, and that's good, it's always nice to have someone on your side like that.
Took a big step in my ongoing job hunt, and managed to fight through the anxiety and actually called one of the stables where I want to work. But I ended up on their voice mail, and hung up, I hate leaving voice mails. I might try again at a different time tomorrow, and might go ahead and leave voice mail if I get it again. It's one I go by on my bike ride, so I'll also keep trying to talk to someone in person too.
I've been trying to talk to someone at the other stables, but even when I've seen people, I haven't been able to get their attention. This place doesn't come up on Google or anything like that, so I have no way to find a phone number or email or any other way to talk to someone there.
OK, so now I can no longer contain my appreciation for Neal Brennan's podcast "Blocks". In his latest, he gets to sit down with Howie Mandel, & it is one of the most in-depth & well explored conversations you can find on people experiencing mental health issues imho. I was riveted. He explains OCD in better terms than I'd ever heard, so much so, that even I have a better understanding of it. It seems almost like the terminology is backwards, & the lead focus should be on the compulsory part, rather than how we more primarily think of the obsessiveness part
Straight up-I have to write down what I want to say and I rehearse it before leaving a VM. I can get thrown off very easily.
Hard feeling.
Sorry to hear that.. things get better.. it's always going to be okay.. like right now this moment is ok? I think right now gets an all right now stamp?? What is next no one knows and the past is gone.. we have right now and that's all we need..
That sucks. Sleep can impact depression heavily but it sucks that it takes 6 weeks to reset.
So I'm still feeling bad today. Anxious. Was writing down everything going on in my life and my usual triggers and how nothing should be making me feel this way when I realized it's the anniversary (ish) of something terrible. So I figure that's probably a chunk of the reason.
Yeah like I've always had bad cases of "anniversary syndrome" so I combat it in two ways:
1) trying to do new and exciting things on the anniversaries so the traumatic events are overwritten by positive events on the same day.
2) just letting it go like any other day and doing my best not to focus on it (vs my having calendar reminders for them) until eventually it becomes another day
But sometimes it creeps up on you
Is there anything, even just a tiny thing, you can look forward to in say the next week or two?
I've done the vampire sleep cycle. It's rough to break out of. *HUGS*
*HUGS*
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