As long as it's the character's actions that are criticized, the gender doesn't play a part. Or at least shouldn't.
But gender does play a part, female characters get routinely criticized for actions that male characters don't and never have. To pretend that's not the case and feign some supposed impartially is frankly bullshit that's ignoring the cultural context we're currently in.
If one finds oneself having to preface a criticism with "I'm not being sexist, but..." that's usually a dead giveaway that one's about to be particularly sexist. And stuff like this...
Many people resent Rose for stopping Finn's kamikaze run, or Holdo for being too secretive. Gender - swap the characters and these resentments don't automatically disappear.
...isn't that far off, as much as you like to think it is.
That's really nice that you think people would have the same problem if these people were men, but there's obviously no way to test that. What we do have is a long history of male lead shows and movies. How many buddy cop movies have one guy going for a suicide run and his partner saving his ass at the last second and finding another way to catch the baddie? How many eyebrows did that raise back in the day? How many cunning, secretive, smart dudes that do an asspull plan they had all along at the last second exist? Did people whinge about [insert favourite detective dude here] waiting to reveal who done it till everybody was in the room at the end? Did Kirk or Picard always fully explain everything to everyone? Were those such massive problems too?
If Holdo was a dude, she would be glorified as a Robau-tier character, but she's not, so her actions get intensely scrutinized. Even if you think that the criticism is valid, to outright dismiss that gender bias could be the reason why that scrutiny is applied here is just being deliberately glib.
Bottom line is, #notallcriticism is just as counterproductive as #notallmen, it's hard to see it as anything than just an attempt to deflect the conversation from the uncomfortable issue of omnipresent sexism that's still dominant in "geek culture" stuff. If you do have a criticism, just lay it out. If people say they notice some gender bias in how you arrived at that criticism, maybe instead of getting defensive and doubling down on it, just pause for a second and consider
why your criticism comes off like that. Is that such a difficult thing to do?
