Dealing with Death

[Sibyl]

I've mentioned in a couple of places the reasons behind my question, so I won't rehash it here.

For those of you that have dealt with the death of a close family member, how did you get through it?

I tend to be a highly emotional person, and I'm afraid of what will come of me, especially given my life-long depression.

What has helped?

Please don't say prayer. I'm a steadfast atheist.

So many regrets...

 

[DimesDan]

For those of you that have dealt with the death of a close family member, how did you get through it?

Not that I am "fully through it" but friends, family (including a very loving wife) and talking it through with someone has helped massively.

 

[Sibyl]

Not that I am "fully through it" but friends, family (including a very loving wife) and talking it through with someone has helped massively.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, my closest family member is an extreme introvert and disappears into their phone before I can finish a sentence, and my sibling lives in another state and we rarely talk, even on FB or by phone; we've grown kinda distant over the years, them keeping the same job for over 20 years and married to a successful business person, me a two-time loser when it comes to marriages and disabled.

I do have a large extended family who've offered their support. I'll try to take them up on it.

I'm hoping there's something I can try that's more solitary, as that's kind of how I live my life.

TBH, I'm a wreck right now and have been for some months leading up to the inevitable. I'm having a difficult time involving myself in activities that I just love, ordinarily. I know that's a symptom of my depression, but I cannot afford to see a psych or therapist. Thank you, American medical industry. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Ugh.

 

[Refuge]

I'm hoping there's something I can try that's more solitary, as that's kind of how I live my life.

Your grief is so personal it's possibly hard to share anyway. I must admit with a loss I had when I reached out to my Mother I ended up being her support (which I didn't begrudge), but it didn't help mine. At some stage all that guilt and there is always guilt, and all that lost opportunity has to give way to acceptance. So cry. And get tired with it. Then truly remember the life's worth of your loved one because they deserve it and you deserve to give them that grace even if it is a part of forgiveness and moving on.

Be selfish. Eat, sleep, look after your health and distract yourself. Life is seriously for the living and you need to absolutely make the most of yours.

 

[Sibyl]

Your grief is so personal it's possibly hard to share anyway. I must admit with a loss I had when I reached out to my Mother I ended up being her support (which I didn't begrudge), but it didn't help mine. At some stage all that guilt and there is always guilt, and all that lost opportunity has to give way to acceptance. So cry. And get tired with it. Then truly remember the life's worth of your loved one because they deserve it and you deserve to give them that grace even if it is a part of forgiveness and moving on.

Be selfish. Eat, sleep, look after your health and distract yourself. Life is seriously for the living and you need to absolutely make the most of yours.

Thank you. That seems like sound advice. I'm trying to be there for my introvert's support, and they will need a LOT of support IF they accept it.

I need to find my own support because I'm not sure how much will come from the two people I mentioned, even if it comes from within.

 

[Refuge]

Scribble, I didn't say it earlier. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Lord Garth]

I don't have an answer. At least not a clear-cut one. My mother died when I was 18. She died from cancer and was in the hospital for three days. So I cried on the first day because it was too much for me to see. And it was slow. Three days later, it felt surreal after she passed away, then I tried to think about other things.

In the time since then, sometimes it hits harder, like a ton of bricks, other times it doesn't at all. And then there's no way of knowing when it's all going to hit you. Something triggers it and it just happens.

Everyone's going to want to see if you're okay. As in everyone. But sometimes it's best for you have some space from everyone else.

If someone else you know has been hit hard and it becomes too much for them in a particular moment, like another member of the family, you have to let them get it out of their system, then try to do something with them. Most important of all is: you have to be there for them and vice versa. And they have to know when to leave you alone and vice versa.

 

[Awesome Possum]

I lost a grandma, a close friend and my father in about a six month period. In my case I was deep into depression at the time and just felt numb the entire time. Since coming out of it, I've had to deal with those emotions. It's hard and there is a lot of regret over what you did or didn't do with the time you had. But those feelings do fade and you begin to just remember the good times.

 

[J.T.B.]

So much of grieving is personal and hard to share and I don't really feel qualified to give much advice. But I will tell you one little thing that is so simple that it may sound silly: Get out and take walks. Half an hour at a time, at least. You will get into some heavy thinking, and I don't know why but walking helps. It did for me, anyway, and other people in my family. Best of luck.

 

[ALF]

A large part of my ability to deal with death has been to draw from the memories I have of the person - and then try and re-incorporate those memories as if they were accessible to me at all times. It's tricking myself and my brain to adapt to the cliche of, "they'll always be with you." But this cliche can actually be very valuable because it changes and challenges your perception of time and gives you back part of what you've lost. It's been of tremendous help to me.

TBH, dealing with other people's grief is the most challenging part of mourning. It can be difficult to say the right thing to others grieving. Then you'll get people that do or don't want to hear, "they are in a better place," or "it was God's plan," or something. Personally I've found little help in memorial ceremonies and funerals - they tend to only generate awkward small talk instead of closure. That may sound self-absorbed - maybe it's just part of my being fiercely introverted.

Sorry for your loss, Scribble.

 

[Sophie74656]

I don't know your paticular story but what helped me this past year after my grandmother passed was to remember that she was no longer sick and in pain. But i don't think anything other than time can really help

 

[Riker'sMailbox]

I am sorry for your loss.

Since you already know you pitfalls when it comes to dealing with emotional trauma and loss, maybe speaking with a grief counselor would be productive for you. I found them to offer much fewer platitudes and much more in the way of coping mechanisms.

 

[Sibyl]

The inevitable happened at 8:35 Friday evening. I was there, by their side when they took their last breath.

I've been numb ever since. I welled up a little when the cremation people loaded their body into the hearse and drove away, but there have been no strong outbursts otherwise.

It's almost like when my best friend, my puppy of 14 years, died. People around me were worried that I would completely lose all reality, but I didn't cry for days, and when I did, it was a short period or light sobbing when I look at the box with her ashes on my shelf. I knew she was suffering and had been preparing for the eventuality of her death for a couple of years.

I've been preparing for this death for about 25 years when they had their major heart attack in '92 and was "given" a year to live, at most.

I guess I just need to deal with it a day at a time, as it were. I just hope I can have some sort of emotional release to give me some assurance that I actually do care. It's not that I don't, but this lack of emotion is kind of scaring me.

 

[Avro Arrow]

So sorry for your loss, Scribble. My sympathies to you and your family.

I'm no expert, but my understanding is that your current (lack of) reaction is not necessarily unusual in this situation. Give yourself time.

And please don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

Best wishes.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

@Scribble, my condolences.

 

[Australis]

@Scribble sorry for your loss. The 3rd anniversary of my Dad passing is coming up soon. I miss him a lot, and there are regrets, but I know, without a doubt, he'd want me to focus on the good times, and, as all parents do, be the best person I can be. That in itself is a major struggle, but It's in the back of my mind every day, and I try to live up to it. Every day will presents challenges great and small, you just have to work trough them. Again, my deep condolences.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

{{{{{{{Scribble}}}}}}} I'm so sorry I think I speak for all of us when I say please don't hesitate to contact any of us if you need someone to talk. What with us being from all over the world there is always someone online and you need never be alone.

Don't feel guilty about being all numb right now. That's perfectly normal and will cease gradually. It may take days or months or sometimes even years - everyone is different in that respect - but the reaction itself is absolutely normal.
I often think it's actually a very wise idea of nature: it enables us to deal with the inevitable red tape, packing things away, clearing out houses etc. Only after we've done that and have time to mourn, we do so.

It's propably difficult at first but in the long run it helps to think not of the loss but of the gain. Since this person was said many years ago to only have one year left, he or she actually gained all those years. And so did you, indirectly. Recall not the time of sickness but remember the closeness you had and the really cool adventures and all the funny mishaps.
At traditional Bavarian funeral lunches it used to be the custom that people would be sad till the main course was served and then would gradually start to tell each other funny anecdotes they had lived through with the deceased. And by the time coffee was serverd, the whole family and the guests would almost be rolling on the floor. To some people this tradition may seem heartless but I think it is a very good custom. One should always remember people as they were all those years in life, not for the short time they spent dead. After all, when someone goes on a holiday trip and you think of them, you don't recall them as the person who has gone away for a fortnight but you have an image of their talking and interacting with you instead. The principle is the same, only the trip is longer.

 

[USS Firefly]

Scribble my condolences.

 

[cosmic mouse]

Hey Scribble... I am sorry for what you are going through. I have had to deal with death of close family members in the past (and one very close friend more recently), so I can empathize right now.

I'm hoping there's something I can try that's more solitary, as that's kind of how I live my life.

This is exactly how I am as well and what works for me in these situations is to go for a walk or hike in the woods alone... even when I am not in a grieving or otherwise unsettled state this helps me immensely. It's like a form of meditation for me (and I am not a person who prays either). Other than leaning on the support network of family & friends and letting yourself grieve this is what I do.
I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Sophie74656]

So sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with this their own way. I hope you find something that helps you