Seinfeld meets Star Trek
Captain Jerry and Chief Engineer Lt. Tony stand beside the warp core. Captain Jerry looks worried and Lt. Tony is looking like he's in love with the core. He runs his hands over the control panel and along the lines of the outer casing. Lt. Tony is a little intense.
LT. TONY: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this engine. Beautiful core.
CAPTAIN JERRY: Yeah. So, anyway, the nacelles have been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up...
Lt. Tony isn't hearing Captain Jerry. He moves back to the control panel and begins ferreting about.
CAPTAIN JERRY: There's really nothing wrong with the panel.
LT. TONY: Well, the core ejector button is loose. You know about that?
CAPTAIN JERRY: No, I hadn't noticed.
LT. TONY: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?
CAPTAIN JERRY: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.
LT. TONY: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
CAPTAIN JERRY: The nacelles are really the only thing that need checking.
LT. TONY: You been rotating the dilithium crystals?
CAPTAIN JERRY: Try to.
LT. TONY: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all warp speeds is warp 4 or higher. You know that? 'Try to.'
Captain Jerry is summoned to the bridge. He promises to return to check on Lt. Tony’s progress
Later, Captain Jerry returns to engineering. Captain Jerry looks a touch anxious as Lt. Tony approaches. Lt. Tony is still real intense.
CAPTAIN JERRY: Hey, Lt. Tony.
LT. TONY: Thanks for coming in, Captain.
CAPTAIN JERRY: Sure.
LT. TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here Captain, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Captain. You know those low grade crystals you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky Ferengi places, isn't it?
CAPTAIN JERRY: Well, I change them so often, I mean to come all the way down here...
LT. TONY: Captain, dilithium crystals are the lifeblood of a warp engine. Okay, you put in low-grade crystals, you could damage the core’s vital parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this crystal holding clamp? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that clamp.
CAPTAIN JERRY: I really wanna...
LT. TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the warp engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under warp two for a while. You gotta go to a space dock, and you gotta get the highest quality crystals and change them every million light years.
CAPTAIN JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?
LT. TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own ship we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the ship. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the warp circuits. When was the last time you even checked the matter and anti-matter injectors?
CAPTAIN JERRY: The injectors are fine.
LT. TONY: (angry) THE INJECTORS ARE NOT FINE!
CAPTAIN JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my ship, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.
LT. TONY: What d'you mean?
CAPTAIN JERRY: Just, can I have my ship? I have some latinum . I wanna pay my bill and then I'm gonna be on my way.
LT. TONY: Well, the ship’s in space dock.
CAPTAIN JERRY: Well, just get it out.
LT. TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll get it out.
CAPTAIN JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.
Tony walks out of engineering. Counselor Elaine arrives.
COUNSELOR ELAINE: Hey. We ready to leave?
CAPTAIN JERRY: Yeah, he's getting the ship out of dock.
COUNSELOR ELAINE: Good.
Captain Jerry and Counselor Elaine are forcibly beamed off the ship. Switch to view of ship in space dock. The warp nacelle’s begin to glow, then the sound of the ship powering up and Captain Jerry's ship flies out of space dock at impulse and then enters warp. Captain Jerry and Counselor Elaine stare open-mouthed after the ship, and at each other in astonishment.