Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #460: Manipulate

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new Caption Contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Forgeries" Award, going to HMS Ark Royal for:

"So they tried to pass this off as the Staff of the Grand Nagus?"




Next, we have the "Appropriate Response" Award, going to Smellincoffee for:

Riker: My god, Worf, there's a fight in progress.
Worf: I wager 200 quatloos on the bald science lieutenant in the corner.



Next, we have the "Most Powerful Weapon in Starfleet's Arsenal" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:

PICARD: I'm sorry, Federation policy. I have to hug you.



Next, we have the "Commercialism of the 24th Century" Award, going to Triskelion for:

Berlinghoff's Coat Factory?
You're gonna "Lycra" the way you look. I guarantee it.


Next, we have the "Poorly Placed Fixtures" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Detective: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO HUNG THAT LIGHT SO LOW! I KEEP HURTING MY HEAD!



Our Photoshop Award goes to jep for:

Picard: "Stand back everyone, he's brought a knife to a phaser fight. Giggle."



A special award for excellent use of multiple images, going to Avro Arrow for:

Data: You stole a d'k tahg? You realize that knife technology existed well before the twenty-second century, don't you?
Rasmussen: Perhaps, but never underestimate the power of good marketing!

Picard: Stand back, everyone! He's got a rasmussen!

The log entry award this week goes to The Laughing Vulcan for:

Captain's Personal log: "Following our recent misadventure on the holodeck, the systems were repaired and I attempted the Dixon Hill program once more. It was following the body cavity search that I realised the engineers had forgotten to re-engage the safety protocols."

This weeks KBL goes to shivkala for:

Man #1: What a strange person.

Man #2: *getting mad* Now look here, my good ma--

Captain Picard: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and
your father smelt of elderberries!

Man #1: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

Captain Picard: No! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


Many thanks to all who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, lets set some diabolical plans in order...

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Crusher: So after you approve my shore leave, I'd like to requisition some Saurian brandy for sickbay.

Picard: Yeah, yeah.

Riker: Why do these corridors look like they're from a Borg ship?

Q: I have just performed the marriage ceremony for Romeo & Juliet, turns out it was a true story.

Picard: No, Mister Worf. She's obviously a trustworthy Vulcan Ambassador. We should let her into all of your prototype phaser plans.

Riker: Now the ship is mine. Klag, activate the monitoring device in Geordi's VISOR. Time to make Picard surrender.

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log:. Beverly has been following me like a sick puppy, from breakfast in my quarters and now in my ready room. I'm sending a message to the console in the transporter room asking O'Brien to spend more time kayaking on the holodeck today. I'm pretty sure he will dislocate a shoulder within the hour.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Who put that camera there?

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the log entry win!

Picard: "Hold on a second, I've nearly figured out which season hairstyle this is."
Crusher "Oh Jean Luc, that's so 2007."
Picard: "This is the updated Janeway version, decidedly more fiendish."

Data: "There is something very important I forgot to tell you."
Riker: "What?"
Data: "Do not cross the streams."
Riker: "Why?"
Data: "It would be bad."
Riker: "I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean bad?"
Data: "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."
Ishara: "Total protonic reversal!"
Riker: "Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Data."

Worf: "Every single away mission with this crap. I need a transfer to a space station or something!"

Q: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life."

Worf muttering: "Do you think he's offered her some of his 'finest vintage'?"
Riker muttering: "He'll probably pull out that 'Do you have any French in you?' line again..."
Worf muttering: "Every single female ambassador, it's like he thinks he's Kirk or something."
Riker muttering: "He could just use the holodeck like everyone else."
Picard: "Gentlemen!"

Riker: "See, a true warrior uses the transporter to exfoliate!"

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Crusher: Are you alright, Captain?

Picard: What? Oh yes, Doctor... I'm just trying to make sense of this lawsuit from centuries ago that archeologists have uncovered. Did you know, for example, that the evil warlord Al'ec Peetars tried to take the property of a large corporation and pass it off as his own?

Production crew from off camera: Denise was hotter

Frakes: Say what, now?

Q: I, your Lord and Saviour have brought you tidings of joy and terror

Picard: Oh?

Q: The good news is that you have been renewed for a second season

Picard: And the bad news?"

Q: We're replacing Crusher with Pulaski

"Mr Worf, I think we can trust a Federation Ambassador with the knowledge to all of our weapon and shield designs... I mean it's not as if she is a Romulan in disguise"

Riker: Say, Captain, Kling-on to this, would you?

 

[Triskelion]

T4TW, Leadhead!

Beverly, I'm filling out my log and I need a good name for our last mission involving Q.
How about, "Q Encounter, Stardate 55555.5"?
No no, Starfleet regulations require a pun.

Ishara: If a rape gang comes we're in big trouble.
Riker: You're telling me! I've been hitting my glutes extra this week.

Q: Ten Forward. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Geordi: He's gonna tell me "my eyes can deceive me and not to trust them," isn't he.

Science Officer: Oh crap is it "potatoes" or "potatos"

Klag: On Klingon ships it may not be a violation to fart in the matter stream, but we do still consider it in poor taste, Commander.
Riker: Torpedoes away! Full spread!

 

[jep]

"The dark side shall never prevail, Lord Vad... oh, sorry, wrong universe."

.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: You could just use the voice command feature.
PICARD: Shut up and tell me how to spell muti-phasic.
CRUSHER: There's also spell check.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Thanks for le win!

Monk: Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requi- ... oh, dear. Jumped universes again.

Science Officer: Am I the only one who notices this woman mutters under her breath in Romulan?

Picard: You know, I think someone has purpously sabotaged my AutoCorrect. Every time I punch in Nechayev, it replaces it with 'Buttface'.

 

[Nerys Myk]

T'PEL: Why is this man just staring at the controls?
PICARD: This station doesn't get much use. In fact, until today, I had forgotten we even had a Science Officer.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Q: Stop calling me 'Lawgiver'!!!

 

[Finn]

T'Pel: Curious, why didn't you select Lt. Commander Chakotay as a first officer?

Picard: Please. He's so thick he would think there was no spy around in a Bond holonovel.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Crusher: Jean-Luc, you promised me dinner.

Picard: Hold on Beverly, I've almost figured out how to set the clock on my VCR so it's not blinking 12:00 all the time.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, digital has replaced cassettes, we don't use that archaic means of telling the time. I'm beginning to think you don't want to eat dinner with me.

Picard: Nonsense, Beverly. Now, hold on, I just need to set this thing to record Seinfeld.

Riker: Nobody move! I, yeah, it's a spider. Phasers to "kill!"

Geordi: So, what kind of monk are you? The kind that spends their whole lives transcribing? The ones who brew beer? The ones who know kung-fu? The ones who chant? The ones who take a vow of silence?

Q: Oh, for the love of...It's a bathrobe, you nitwit!

Picard: Truthfully, this station is just for show. Lt. Reiss here is what we call "an extra."

Riker: Technically, you die and are reassembled every time you transport, so, "Today is a good day to die!" is especially relevant.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the award, LeadHead!

Crusher: Captain, I was really hoping you could authorize those Rigellian fever inoculations now...
Picard: Yes, yes, doctor. I'll get to it. These candies aren't going to crush themselves, you know!

Riker: The government in shambles, people living in squalid conditions, rape gangs roaming the streets... what the hell happened here, anyway?!
Yar: Well, we elected this guy named Trump as colonial governor, and it all kinda went downhill from there.

Science Officer: Captain, the internal sensors are picking up a Romulan life sign! The signal is really strong; the Romulan must be close by!
Picard: Yes, I'm sure that's fascinating, lieutenant. Crewman Jenkins, what's the hold-up with my tea?

Picard: Quickly, someone go hide Commander Data!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Why does no one like my posts?
CRUSHER: Because they're orders, not posts.

 

[Triskelion]

Q: Check it out. I'm Darius. Who wants to play Highlander?
Picard: Dibs on Duncan!
Beverly: I got Connor!
Geordi: DAMMIT! If anybody Captain, you should be Juan-Sánchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, metallurgist to the King of Spain. And you, Doctor, should be Tessa! Whoever heard of Connor Macleod being played by a chick!
Picard: You can be Richie, Geordi. Richie LaRyan.
Geordi: KUNTA KINTE AIN'T NEVER PLAYING NOBODY NAMED RICHIE RYAN!
Beverly: Take it easy, Geordi, you can be Xavier St. Cloud.
Geordi: Oh sure, the black guy.
Beverly: No, that's not why!
...
- He's no-hand guy.
Geordi: That sounds like a fun change of pace for me!
Q: Let's go, I've already died like six times during this conversation!
Wesley: I call the Kurgan!
Geordi: DAMMIT!

Ambassador: A blueshirt at the science station? Who does he think he is, Spock?
Picard: Well we tried a Scot but he kept knocking himself out on the overhead bin.

Klag: Wait - did you set me on Interlace or Progressive scan?
Riker: Interlace. Why?
Klag: Oh, no reason. Just wondering why I still seem to be standing here five minutes after you activated the transporter. Did you at least use a PNG format? Or was it a jpeg.
Riker: You specifically asked me not to use jpeg, so I used RAW.
Klag: ...It's just that the system is using a 56k modem. On a dialup modem.
Riker: Is that why we're able to have this conversation while you transport?
Klag: It would seem so, yes. So. Kind of an awkward silence to fill.
...
...
...
You might have at least zipped the file.
Riker: If that's anything like attaching these celebrity nude pictures I got from some anonymous sender - already taken care of. I even changed the link title to "Urgent Notice about your account" so they are sure to click on it.
Klag: Yes, of course you did. Oh look, it's down past my nickle-plated belt buckle already.
Riker: Listen, I'm gonna take off....
Klag: But how -
Riker: My shuttle's parked in the bay. I thought you knew that? I'll call you from Enterprise, see how it's going.
Klag: You do that, Commander. I'll just be here reciting my vow of honor and thinking of you.
Riker: What a nice guy!

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Thanks for le win!

Monk: Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requi- ... oh, dear. Jumped universes again.

Our lord jesus, let them rest?

You been watching Monty Python recently?

 

[Smellincoffee]

Our lord jesus, let them rest?

You been watching Monty Python recently?

Not recently, but I've watched that film so many times I don't need to.

 

[Leviathan]

Kargan: You figured out my real identity! I must escape! I'll get you next time GI Joe...er...Megatron...er RIKER!