TNG Caption This! #425: A Good Read

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New Contest time!

First up to the plate, we have the "Special Programming" Award, going to:

DATA: Captain, I have discovered a disturbing bug in the replicator software. Whenever the Captain says the words "Tea, Earl Gray, Hot" in that order, the replicator actually produces an alcoholic beverage with a scent not dissimilar to earl gray tea."
PICARD: That is very disturbing Data. Let's consider this low priority. *urp*

Next, we have "The Holy Picard" Award, going to:

Saint Picard: I baptize thee by the holy order of the grey, earl of earls, lemon to honey <splash> Do you disavow the use of all other false caffine prophets and artificial sweetners?

GoGo Gomez: I do!

<splash>

Next, we have the "Conversations of Honor" Award, going to:

Data: Sir, if I may...

Worf: You may not. Talking to the Captain before his first cup of Earl Grey is not honorable.

Next, we have the "Complete Honesty" Award, going to:

Picard: "You're imagining things! Of course I'm not embarrassed by your being here! I'm delighted that you decided to drop in for a surprise visit! Incidentally, if any of my crew ask, you're a Starfleet courier here to pick up some top secret dispatches."

Next, we have the "Secret Ingredient" Award, going to:

Kennelly: "Good god, what the hell is this?"

Picard: "It's my Aunt Adelle's recipe."

Kennelly: "What did she do for a living? This tastes like motor oil."

Picard: "...she was a mechanic."

Next, we have the "Good News?" Award, going to:

Riker: So I've rejected their offer and decided to stay on as your number one.

Captain's Log: Some days I really do regret not putting in that extra splash of vodka

Vash: Is that really true, what they say about Beverly's pronunciation?
Picard: I'm afraid so. I assume I don't need to worry about that with you?
Vash: Of course not. How hard is it to pronounce "crescent pastry" anyway?
Picard: ... I think we're done here.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to our winners!

So here's the plan for this contest: depending on time, it will either end Thursday night/Friday morning or next Tuesday. I'm gonna try to aim for Thursday night, but no guarantees.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Our new orders, Number One.

Riker: (reading) Travel to edge of Neutral Zone. Wait for Interstellar intrigue to find us.

Troi: ...And with these cranial monitors, I can track how many emotions you feel.

Data: Counselor..... never mind.

Riker: Low battery again?!

Worf: It is a small freighter, armed with limited weapons.

Picard: Leave it be.

Worf: Registry indicates, it is Captain Okona's ship.

Picard: Load Photon Torpedoes, prepare to fire.

La Forge: Here's your problem, the labels on these circuits say NOT to expose them to air. Why did you remove them from their systems?

Pakled: We look for things.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Picard: Porn.

Troi:Porn

Riker: Porn?

Worf: Porn!!!!.

Pakleds: Porn

 

[Nebusj]

Riker: ``Um ... it must have been someone impersonating me that signed up to Ashley Madison.''

Troi: ``I was wrong to doubt your face-planting into the pile of SD cards.''

LaForge: ``Wait ... if these readings are correct, this is the same cave we find in every planet we ever visit! Even caves in the Delta Quadrant are the same cave! How can this happen?''

Worf: ``Ready to fire primary cooling, soothing ointments. Unguent teams, stand by.''

LaForge: ``So the core problem is you're all kind of a bunch of bros here.''
Pakled: ``DOOO00ODE!!1!''

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "It's called 'Time Cube'."

Troi: "Troi to Geordi. Data's hard drive is making that funny grinding sound again."

Geordi: "I'm reading absolute zero moisture. Fossilized remains of surfboards and burritos with french fries in them."

Riker: "This must be 'California', from ancient Earth history."

Worf: "Vectrex graphics are without honor."

Geordi: "I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, to see if I can track down an IP address."

Pakled: "Wow, that's dumb. And I'm a Pakled."

 

[Vanyel]

Riker: Two girls and a cup. No I haven't seen that one.

Troi: There that should help you stop smoking.

Geordi: It's called Candy Crush. You should try it.

Worf: Please. It's been three whole days since I blew something up.

Geordi: Here's your problem. It says do not remove from computer.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: What do you think of my poetry, Number One?
RIKER: Needs more sex appeal.

DATA: There's electrodes on my head. I'm about to be hacked by an alien intelligence again aren't I?

GEORDI: That's odd. The layout of this cave seems to be completely identical to the last cave we were in. And the walls look nearly identical!

WORF: I'm detecting a small microorganism gradually eating a hole in the ship. I recommend we go berserker mode and randomly attack the nearest ship even if they are our allies.
RIKER: Lieutenant?
WORF: Sorry, that's my Klingon side coming out.

PAK'LED: No, no Geordi. She won't like that. Just get her a nice gift and take her to Ten Forward where you can talk with her and get to know her over drinks!
GEORDI: You are smart.

 

[JesterFace]

PICARD: Check this out, good thing that alien entity occupied Deanna's mind so we had an excuse to install security cameras to her quarters. She looks nice in her undies...

RIKER: Seen it and more, but was it absolutely necessary to install cameras also in the sonic shower booth, on every possible angle?

PICARD: Dude, no wonder you don't have a ship of your own, you're missing all the great points of being a captain, you can do whatever you want under the camouflage of "safety". If you hang around much longer I might have to replace you as first officer with someone... more attractive.

 

[Hutchy01]

DATA: Commander as much as I am fully functional I am trying to work ... Maybe Riker would appreciate a handjob more!

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: Troi to bridge, Operation Fliptop is a success.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Stewart: So basically the email says I am getting the fighting and screwing I wanted, which means you're going to be reduced to sitting there getting fat as I take more and more of your role.

Data: My Borg disguise will fool drones completely.

Geordi: It must be the last episode of the season, I detect cliffhanger!

Worf: Pac Man is without honour!

Geordi: The mirror's not broken, you're just ugly.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "It's a photoshop I made of our ship's counselor's head on an Orion slave girl's body. What do you think?"
Grebnedlog: "Those are things that make us go!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

LAFORGE: See you need to reroute the plasma through the port EPS conduits and create a tachyon burst from the main sensor array to counter chronoton particles in the gravimetric field.

PAKLED: We may be idiots, but come on, that's just a load of gobbledygook.

 

[Hutchy01]

Geordi: Data's Dick camera confirms it ... Deanna is having an affair.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

@Nebusj

BTW, I didn't read your captions before I made mine. So I didn't copy you, we came up with the same joke.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: I finished reviewing the sleeper ship from 21st Century Earth's logs. Apparently everything we've heard about them is true, it's all cat videos. See for yourself, I particularly like this one playing the keyboard.

Data: Are you sure Geordi is not available to help me with the security flaws found in positronic brains? I am positive this is not what they meant by, "Apply the patches," to fix the bugs.

Geordi: According to this, I'm the only sign of intelligence on this planet. Isn't that funny, Commander?

Riker: I like when the lights go, "blink, blink, blink!"

Geordi: On second thought, maybe it's more accurate than I thought.

Worf: Damn it, my console is infected with a virus that only displays wire-frame models of Klingon phalluses. I blame Wesley!

Geordi: Pick a circuit board, any circuit board. Okay not place it back into the deck. Is this your circuit board?

Pakled: Human is witch! Burn at stake, burn at stake!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Worf: "Captain, this caption is firm and upright. clearly it is with honor."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Worf: Ensign, not only have you been using on-duty time to pursue your hobby of 3D modeling, but this is not even a very good model. If you insist on wasting ship resources, do so in a manner that commands respect!

LaForge: So this is what the kid was doing with his tricorder.
Riker: She's a...six, at best. Swipe left!

Picard answers the question, 'What on Earth does the captain see in that Vash woman?'
Riker: Wow, she swiped that relic and replaced it with a weight in the blink of an eye! And is that a fedora? That is a sweet fedora.
Picard: You should see the boots. And the whip.
Riker: TMI, captain.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Wow, that puppy sure can't reach the ball on the chair...now about the Romulan ship....

Data: But I am an android, Counselor. I do not require Mary Kay anti-wrinkle technology.
Troi: Sure, Brent.

Geordi: According to my readings, we're not in a holographic representation of Wesley's love life at all - but Tin Man's anal cavity!
Riker: Oh well, after a few dozen missions these space caverns all start to look alike.

Worf: Dammit K'ehleyr, how'm I supposed to compete with that??

Geordi: - and every time you touch it, it's her. See?
Pakled: You're smart.

 

[JesterFace]

@Nebusj

BTW, I didn't read your captions before I made mine. So I didn't copy you, we came up with the same joke.

I'm not being copied here but just a thought: Great minds think alike?

 

[Drob]

TFTW Leadhead :-)

Geordi: The problem is your circuit boards here and here, are made from macaroni and crackers.

 

[Drob]

Troi: Screw all that tender councelling crap, it's good ol' electro-shock for everybody from now on!

Riker: You spent the last 40 hours locked up in here making ANSI art logos for the ships login screens?
Picard: Yep.
Riker: Sweet!

Worf: Detecting errors in their UVW maps!