Sir, just a few more questions about humanity. Why do females like bad boys?
Don't know.
When do children pick up racism?
Don't know.
What makes a female fall in love with you?
Don't know.
How do the worst asshats get into positions of authority?
Erm...Don't know.
Why do universities offer majors with no possible hope of employment?
Don't know.
Do dogs believe in anything?
Don't know.
Why do condoms come in packs of 12, but tissue in boxes of 200?
Don't know.
Why did people believe every election was going to bring about all the changes none had ever brought up to that point?
Don't know.
Why do certain females belittle guys who treat them with respect?
Don't know.
Why do people think it's ok to involve you in their belittlement of others?
Don't know.
If you bludgeon a syphilitic tramp with a sewer pipe, does it make a sound?
Yes. A wet, snapping, gooey sort of sound.
Thank you sir. You've been very helpful.
Oh and Mister Data -
Yes sir?
Check his pockets for cigarettes.
Yes sir.
Gomez: I've quaffed all over the place, Captain! And somehow gotten your chest all fizzy! With your permission, I will lap it clean immediately, sir!
Picard: Geordi, I know we already have someone who just states the obvious - but this one is more interesting, somehow.
Data: Van Dykes are gay.
Worf: Are not.
Data: Are too.
Worf: Are not.
Data: Are too.
Worf: Are not.
Data: Are too. Sir, would you please tell him?
Picard: I'm afraid he's right, Mister Worf. Van Dykes are so gay they are named after lesbian hippies.
Worf: But
you wear them too! Robin Hood?! Future Imperfect?!
Picard: So?? Lots of greats wore Van Dykes. Vladimir Lenin. Johnny Depp. Colonel Sanders.... Besides, technically as Robin Hood it was a Handlebar and Goatee! Ha HA! Not gay at all!
Data: Strictly speaking, sir,
your Robin Hood sported a Painter's Brush and Chin Puff. So - gay.
Worf: At least it wasn't a Riker Short Box that looked more like a cross between a Hollywoodian and a Balbo!
Picard: I called it the "Chin Vag."
Data: I am partial to " The 'Bone Catcher".
Worf: Besides - mine is not a Van Dyke, it is a Fu Manchu!
Picard: Oh well that's not gay at all! Fu Fu!
Worf: You jest, but
none of you had a Doctor McCoy beard!
Data: Now
that was a beard among beards. All hail the "Beaver Trapper."
Picard: A moment of silence, please.
...
Data: So...you just woke up one morning and said, "My silver pageant ribbon isn't gay enough, I know, I'll grow an Old Dutch Fu Manchu!"
Worf: IF YOU WERE ANY OTHER MAN I WOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!
Picard: I suggested a Copstash. Wouldn't have it.
Worf & Data: GAY.
Picard:
Sigh, that's why I never suggested the truly great NAPOLEON III IMPERIAL. One day, though...ADMIRAL PICARD will turn all the heads, mm?
Worf: Where, on Planet Gaydar?
Data: Fire the torpedoes, boys! Full spread!
Picard: This is becoming offensive.
Data: You know what's truly offensive?
...Wesley's dusty Pencil.
All: OH IT'S JUST THE WORST...
Picard: ...So then we all made fun of Wesley's pencil.
Vash: Gay.
Picard: No, not his pencil, his pencil mustache! It's - a guy thing.
Vash: Oh, I stand corrected. MEGA SUPER SPATIAL VORTEX GAY.
Picard: It's not gay!
Vash: Eat your croissant. Or should I call it, YOUR SURROGATE PHALLUS PROTEIN DELIVERY SYSTEM?
Picard: You know, this kind of thing is probably quite offensive.
Vash: To gay people?
Picard: Porcelain...smiths, I guess?
Vash: Porcelain smiths.
Picard: From Ancient Porcela, I guess?
Vash: I take it back. You're not gay. You're an idiot.
Admiral: Good tea. Nice house.
Picard: Why thank you, wildebeest at a trough.
Picard: Two lumps in me tea and one in me trousers!
Countess Regina Bartholomew-Moriarty: Oh,
super.
