Depression/Suicide (This May Get Very Personal)
- Thread starter Brie
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For what it's worth, I understand. My way of pushing my feelings back has been with food.
A
Amaris
Guest
This. It takes a strong person to recognize addiction, and then to act on moving away from it.
Even recognizing it is a major step. Some people never even make it that far.
This can't be overstated.
I think that's what a lot of people don't quite understand: Once a depression takes hold, there's nothing rational about it, and even seemingly positive factors can easily be viewed negatively.
Thanks. The view was, indeed, beautiful - worth coming back to see:
I definitely appreciate the advice ... unfortunately, the one experience I had with medication was very ... difficult. I found that the price for medically curbing my anxiety was also curbing my creativity and passion and so on. So I've tried some other methods - meditation being one of them. It's not always effective in difficult circumstances, but it's been enough (so far) as a regular activity.There is absolutely a relationship between them. I am on effexor which works on both depression and anxiety I would look into that!
Wow beauiful!
Oh I definitely understand. Meditating works wonders. I have used that quite a lot.
Indeed. And given your previous post about how habit forming medications can be, finding alternative means to achieving a peace of mind can be very important. That's not to say all medications are to be avoided, of course. They can (and do) have an important role to play. But one has to be keenly aware of their side effects - physically and mentally. That you're aware of how they affect you (like me, you have an addictive personality), is very important. Hopefully that foresight can help you balance the benefits of meds and their potential detriments.
A
Amaris
Guest
There are often times when I feel life is meaningless, and I want to give up hope. It's this feeling of being lost in the woods, with no indication of which way will lead back to the path you started on. There's a race against time as the Sun gets lower and lower in the sky, and you know that once it's dark your life is over. So you panic; you cry, you scream, you search desperately for any sign of where to go, what to do.
When I was younger, and still in school, I was certain that my path lay before me. My grades were excellent. My scores were consistently off the charts in terms of academic skill and achievement. So it was without any doubt whatsoever that I would graduate high school, go to college, experience freedom for the first time, hopefully find someone and start a relationship, graduate college and get a decent job (nothing fancy, just a place to start), and just work hard to build my life into something to be proud of.
I knew that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be setbacks. I had made certain to inculcate that awareness into my way of thinking. So, I graduated high school.
That's it.
From that point forward, I had a couple of low paying jobs, as I struggled to help my parents keep their heads above water. My father, while a decent person in most ways, was a terrible manager of money. My mother became deathly ill, and while she recovered, her quality of life was significantly altered. So I managed the money, and took care of my mom. It was around then (21), and I think the stress of dealing with so much is what lead to my high blood pressure. It was one more thing to worry about.
So all of that went on for the first few years out of high school. After a time, she got a bit better, at least enough for me to find another job, and so I started working again in order to save money. I badly wanted to get out of the house and start my life. I was a few years late, but that wasn't a major setback, I was still very young, and knew I could bounce back and catch up with some hard work.
It was around this time that my brother moved out and went to live with his then girlfriend (who would later become his wife). Shortly after, my dad lost his job. So I picked up the slack, and used my income to keep us going for about a year. You can imagine that an entry level job isn't going to pay for a family of 3, and so I ate right into my savings until nothing was left. I was 26 and growing increasingly concerned about what was happening. I mean, metaphorically speaking, it wasn't just a bump on the road, it was a massive rock slide that pushed me into a ditch, down into a river, and flipped the car.
After that year, he found steady employment again. I started saving again as fast as I could, while still contributing toward the family so that we could get back on our feet.
Around that time, the economic collapse happened, and I became unemployed for more than a year. I was 28, and was feeling the panic of still sitting at the starting line while everyone else had already been running for almost a decade. It didn't help that during this time, I was diagnosed with diabetes. So I had another health problem to eat up my resources.
So at the age of 30, I was unemployed, dealing with some significant health issues, and unable to get anything rolling so that I could push forward and get my life started. I was in major distress. I was 30, and nothing had been accomplished. Out of sheer desperation, I applied for an online college, hoping to accomplish at least something until I could do better, and was accepted (no surprise), but even that turned sour a few months later when we moved to a new apartment, and the online college program fell through, which left me with a pile of money to be paid back to the U.S. government.
In 2010, Mom had to be taken to the hospital. The resulting surgery, and month of recovery, made it nearly impossible for her to walk. I had to stop searching for work, and start taking care of her 24/7. Despite intermittent (but mostly useless) help from insurance regarding rehab, and the efforts of some very dear friends who did their damndest to pay for rehab when the insurance company decided not to spend another dime, she still can't walk and requires my constant care, my father still can't manage money, and we're still struggling to keep our heads above water. I haven't had a break since then. No daily life of any kind that may be considered social. It has all been this constant care. 24/7.
Now I'm 35, and absolutely nothing, nothing of my hopes and dreams in life, have been accomplished. No education, no career, no relationship. Hell, I never even knew the touch of a woman until I was 30 (sorry if that's a bit TMI, but it ties into my depression most strongly), and even that didn't go very well because of the obvious difficulties involved in the issues that present themselves for a 30 year old virgin.
I think all of this impacts me like it does because I was an overachiever in school. I was very goal oriented. I was used to getting things right the first time. I studied, learned what I needed to do in order to succeed, planned it out, and acted on it, and my success rate was very high.
I had strong academic skills, I had close friends, and I had a very strong, rock solid faith. The first has been eroding over the years from lack of use, the second group has slowly dispersed, and the third is gone entirely.
I've never known the freedom of being independent. I've never known the love and life changing joy of being in a relationship, I've never had that sense of accomplishment in successfully jumping a hurdle and racing onward toward the next. My life is one dull, dreary, stress filled lonely moment that moves at a plodding pace, as the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades of my life are eaten away.
If I had to describe my life in just a few words, those words would be "lacking stability". If I have learned anything, it is that personal success often requires stability, and I have not had that. I love my parents, but I also hate them with the fire of a star prepared to go supernova, just one contained so deep down that its destruction would only cause me harm, rather than anyone else.
I'm sure some of you have had experiences where you can empathize with that feeling. It's not that they did anything bad to me directly, but their inaction and inability to handle their own lives has lead to the destruction of my own, for I do feel that my life has all but ended. What joy is there for me in the years ahead? I will have to fight tooth and claw just to survive, let alone thrive.
What business needs a chronically unemployed and underemployed man who is in his 30s and only has his high school educational experience under his belt? There are plenty of teens and 20-somethings who will do the work without any excess baggage.
Who looks for a 35+ year old man who has no redeeming quality? I can love, but so what? Anyone can love. There are billions of people on this planet who easily fit that simple requirement. Plenty of funny, silly lovable people who also have decent jobs, can satisfy someone sexually, isn't significantly overweight, and doesn't have a financially crippling past.
I'm simply not needed by anyone who could want to have me.
This is why life has become meaningless, why sight, sound, and taste has become dulled, and why there is nothing to be seen anyway other than the oncoming specter of death that awaits every one of us.
I fight it. I fight it every day. Deep down, deep in my heart I'm still an optimist, gods knows how. So I fight, and once in a great while I'll laugh or smile at something, or I'll forget for a second or two just what predicament I'm in, but I do not sleep much, so my mind is always awake and aware. It is getting ever so hard to distract it. I think about my lost youth, the loss of my body's vitality due to the constant stress, the lack of free will, and the issues I face with the high blood pressure, and diabetes.
Every day I feel my heart getting heavier, along with an increasing desire to just stop. Stop fighting, stop hoping, stop feeling, and just succumb. But I can't stop. I have never stopped entirely, even if I have slowed to such a crawl as to be seen almost standing still. I keep trying every day. When I wake up in the morning, I know that the day will be one more wasted, because my situation does not, and will not change in the foreseeable future, but I get up anyway, and get to the drudgery because it has to be done. Because it has to be done; whatever it is, and whatever it will entail that day.
Mick Jagger once said, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."
He was grossly mistaken about the timeliness and frequency of getting what one needs.
So if you've read this far, now you have an idea of what's behind my constant depression. I have never attempted to commit suicide, but it has been on my mind quite often, and sometimes I can almost gather up the energy to do it, but the very same reason that I'm in this place, is also the reason why I can never go through with the act. I do it for my mother, who has no one else in the world, aside from myself, to help her.
My father is a bumbling loudmouth in such instances, and usually causes more harm than help by his sheer inability to listen to what needs to be done. My family? They don't do anything more than give up (they've "accepted her inability to walk", they say. Well I'm glad they finally worked it all out).
She is all I have, and even she doesn't make it easy at times, but I persevere. It has to be done. She is the only reason I have neither walked away, or ended it all.
Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry if it made you feel bad.
When I was younger, and still in school, I was certain that my path lay before me. My grades were excellent. My scores were consistently off the charts in terms of academic skill and achievement. So it was without any doubt whatsoever that I would graduate high school, go to college, experience freedom for the first time, hopefully find someone and start a relationship, graduate college and get a decent job (nothing fancy, just a place to start), and just work hard to build my life into something to be proud of.
I knew that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be setbacks. I had made certain to inculcate that awareness into my way of thinking. So, I graduated high school.
That's it.
From that point forward, I had a couple of low paying jobs, as I struggled to help my parents keep their heads above water. My father, while a decent person in most ways, was a terrible manager of money. My mother became deathly ill, and while she recovered, her quality of life was significantly altered. So I managed the money, and took care of my mom. It was around then (21), and I think the stress of dealing with so much is what lead to my high blood pressure. It was one more thing to worry about.
So all of that went on for the first few years out of high school. After a time, she got a bit better, at least enough for me to find another job, and so I started working again in order to save money. I badly wanted to get out of the house and start my life. I was a few years late, but that wasn't a major setback, I was still very young, and knew I could bounce back and catch up with some hard work.
It was around this time that my brother moved out and went to live with his then girlfriend (who would later become his wife). Shortly after, my dad lost his job. So I picked up the slack, and used my income to keep us going for about a year. You can imagine that an entry level job isn't going to pay for a family of 3, and so I ate right into my savings until nothing was left. I was 26 and growing increasingly concerned about what was happening. I mean, metaphorically speaking, it wasn't just a bump on the road, it was a massive rock slide that pushed me into a ditch, down into a river, and flipped the car.
After that year, he found steady employment again. I started saving again as fast as I could, while still contributing toward the family so that we could get back on our feet.
Around that time, the economic collapse happened, and I became unemployed for more than a year. I was 28, and was feeling the panic of still sitting at the starting line while everyone else had already been running for almost a decade. It didn't help that during this time, I was diagnosed with diabetes. So I had another health problem to eat up my resources.
So at the age of 30, I was unemployed, dealing with some significant health issues, and unable to get anything rolling so that I could push forward and get my life started. I was in major distress. I was 30, and nothing had been accomplished. Out of sheer desperation, I applied for an online college, hoping to accomplish at least something until I could do better, and was accepted (no surprise), but even that turned sour a few months later when we moved to a new apartment, and the online college program fell through, which left me with a pile of money to be paid back to the U.S. government.
In 2010, Mom had to be taken to the hospital. The resulting surgery, and month of recovery, made it nearly impossible for her to walk. I had to stop searching for work, and start taking care of her 24/7. Despite intermittent (but mostly useless) help from insurance regarding rehab, and the efforts of some very dear friends who did their damndest to pay for rehab when the insurance company decided not to spend another dime, she still can't walk and requires my constant care, my father still can't manage money, and we're still struggling to keep our heads above water. I haven't had a break since then. No daily life of any kind that may be considered social. It has all been this constant care. 24/7.
Now I'm 35, and absolutely nothing, nothing of my hopes and dreams in life, have been accomplished. No education, no career, no relationship. Hell, I never even knew the touch of a woman until I was 30 (sorry if that's a bit TMI, but it ties into my depression most strongly), and even that didn't go very well because of the obvious difficulties involved in the issues that present themselves for a 30 year old virgin.
I think all of this impacts me like it does because I was an overachiever in school. I was very goal oriented. I was used to getting things right the first time. I studied, learned what I needed to do in order to succeed, planned it out, and acted on it, and my success rate was very high.
I had strong academic skills, I had close friends, and I had a very strong, rock solid faith. The first has been eroding over the years from lack of use, the second group has slowly dispersed, and the third is gone entirely.
I've never known the freedom of being independent. I've never known the love and life changing joy of being in a relationship, I've never had that sense of accomplishment in successfully jumping a hurdle and racing onward toward the next. My life is one dull, dreary, stress filled lonely moment that moves at a plodding pace, as the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades of my life are eaten away.
If I had to describe my life in just a few words, those words would be "lacking stability". If I have learned anything, it is that personal success often requires stability, and I have not had that. I love my parents, but I also hate them with the fire of a star prepared to go supernova, just one contained so deep down that its destruction would only cause me harm, rather than anyone else.
I'm sure some of you have had experiences where you can empathize with that feeling. It's not that they did anything bad to me directly, but their inaction and inability to handle their own lives has lead to the destruction of my own, for I do feel that my life has all but ended. What joy is there for me in the years ahead? I will have to fight tooth and claw just to survive, let alone thrive.
What business needs a chronically unemployed and underemployed man who is in his 30s and only has his high school educational experience under his belt? There are plenty of teens and 20-somethings who will do the work without any excess baggage.
Who looks for a 35+ year old man who has no redeeming quality? I can love, but so what? Anyone can love. There are billions of people on this planet who easily fit that simple requirement. Plenty of funny, silly lovable people who also have decent jobs, can satisfy someone sexually, isn't significantly overweight, and doesn't have a financially crippling past.
I'm simply not needed by anyone who could want to have me.
This is why life has become meaningless, why sight, sound, and taste has become dulled, and why there is nothing to be seen anyway other than the oncoming specter of death that awaits every one of us.
I fight it. I fight it every day. Deep down, deep in my heart I'm still an optimist, gods knows how. So I fight, and once in a great while I'll laugh or smile at something, or I'll forget for a second or two just what predicament I'm in, but I do not sleep much, so my mind is always awake and aware. It is getting ever so hard to distract it. I think about my lost youth, the loss of my body's vitality due to the constant stress, the lack of free will, and the issues I face with the high blood pressure, and diabetes.
Every day I feel my heart getting heavier, along with an increasing desire to just stop. Stop fighting, stop hoping, stop feeling, and just succumb. But I can't stop. I have never stopped entirely, even if I have slowed to such a crawl as to be seen almost standing still. I keep trying every day. When I wake up in the morning, I know that the day will be one more wasted, because my situation does not, and will not change in the foreseeable future, but I get up anyway, and get to the drudgery because it has to be done. Because it has to be done; whatever it is, and whatever it will entail that day.
Mick Jagger once said, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."
He was grossly mistaken about the timeliness and frequency of getting what one needs.
So if you've read this far, now you have an idea of what's behind my constant depression. I have never attempted to commit suicide, but it has been on my mind quite often, and sometimes I can almost gather up the energy to do it, but the very same reason that I'm in this place, is also the reason why I can never go through with the act. I do it for my mother, who has no one else in the world, aside from myself, to help her.
My father is a bumbling loudmouth in such instances, and usually causes more harm than help by his sheer inability to listen to what needs to be done. My family? They don't do anything more than give up (they've "accepted her inability to walk", they say. Well I'm glad they finally worked it all out).
She is all I have, and even she doesn't make it easy at times, but I persevere. It has to be done. She is the only reason I have neither walked away, or ended it all.
Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry if it made you feel bad.
For what it's worth, I'm usually happier when I have more money.
J. Allen:
I know this may be overstepping, I'm sorry, I am given to practical prodding.
It seems to me you are a person who naturally cares for others and naturally takes on responsibilities, you are capable and willing and you enjoy being needed and providing real care for people. These are all good things but when I read your post I see something missing that is a common problem for people who are geared towards caring about others and helping. That something is boundaries.
Just because you are (I assume) much better at taking care of your mom than your dad is doesn't mean you should be the carer 24/7. Is your dad going to let your mom die if he comes home from work and then you are out of the house for 3 hours working a part time job? It seems that would only improve everyone's life, financially, socially, self esteem, stress. Reading your post it feels like at some point it was just easier to do everything because other people sucked at it. But people have no reason to step up if you are there doing it all for them.
You may feel unemployable but you're young (yes you are) and smart and have many more years left than your dad does. You could wait for him to be too old to work and then try and get a job or you could start easing yourself and him into you being the primary income source now. Because that is what you are facing eventually, him not working and.. what?
I know this may be overstepping, I'm sorry, I am given to practical prodding.
It seems to me you are a person who naturally cares for others and naturally takes on responsibilities, you are capable and willing and you enjoy being needed and providing real care for people. These are all good things but when I read your post I see something missing that is a common problem for people who are geared towards caring about others and helping. That something is boundaries.
Just because you are (I assume) much better at taking care of your mom than your dad is doesn't mean you should be the carer 24/7. Is your dad going to let your mom die if he comes home from work and then you are out of the house for 3 hours working a part time job? It seems that would only improve everyone's life, financially, socially, self esteem, stress. Reading your post it feels like at some point it was just easier to do everything because other people sucked at it. But people have no reason to step up if you are there doing it all for them.
You may feel unemployable but you're young (yes you are) and smart and have many more years left than your dad does. You could wait for him to be too old to work and then try and get a job or you could start easing yourself and him into you being the primary income source now. Because that is what you are facing eventually, him not working and.. what?
A
Amaris
Guest
Firstly, I don't think you're overstepping. Secondly, you're right in that I did it because everyone else sucked at it. From the very beginning I was the one taking care of her. I don't want this responsibility, and I didn't then, but we were too poor to get help, so I did what had to be done.
Now it's to the point where the rest of the family just doesn't care (they say they love her and are praying for her, and I say whoop-de-fucking-do) and they say that they have accepted her inability to walk (again, thanks for the consideration folks), and no help comes from them.
My dad can't do it. He really can't. I have tried to teach him over and over how to dress wounds, how to take care of other needs she has, how to monitor her blood sugar and other readings, and he's just awful. To be blunt, I don't trust that he could anyway. He has behavioral issues, and while I stand by the notion that he's generally a decent person, entrusting him to take care of my mother, even for a few hours, is not something I am really willing to do. It's not a control issue, it's a trust issue, and believe me when I say it is well-founded.
So, yes, I have two parents, one of whom is disabled, the other whom suffers from crippling depression and is on medication for it, and the quicksand just keeps getting higher.
I'm not sure how it works where you live, but where I live there is nothing to help. No assistance, no state programs to ease the financial, or emotional, burden. Where I live I'm on my own in terms of this responsibility. It's the perfect blend of family not caring, the state not helping, insurance not giving a shit, and me being the perpetual "only available starship within range".
As for the rest, I guess it's more a general feeling of exhaustion, and an ever-present lack of self-esteem. I meant it when I said what I did about my career chances, and relationship outlook. I don't really care about money all that much, even though I have ulcers from handling the family finances. I could be poor, but if I had a companion, someone to share my life with, it would be tolerable. Not to sound too schmaltzy, but love means far, far more to me than money.
It's just a shame that I have to be impoverished on every level.
I can relate to most of what J. Allen said. 
It seemed when things were turning around for me things with my parents got worse and then I just wanted to give up & did for the most part. When I was cutting myself and thinking about dying I called the suicide number and then they got me in touch with someone locally. I met with the therapist and then a doctor and got on meds and continue with therapy. I feel better mentally and emotionally but my situation is still the same with my family. Talking with my therapist the best solution for me is to move away from my family because even though they talk about being helpless, they aren't and I finally realize that.
HUGS
to all those that shared. I also finally realized I wasn't alone.
It seemed when things were turning around for me things with my parents got worse and then I just wanted to give up & did for the most part. When I was cutting myself and thinking about dying I called the suicide number and then they got me in touch with someone locally. I met with the therapist and then a doctor and got on meds and continue with therapy. I feel better mentally and emotionally but my situation is still the same with my family. Talking with my therapist the best solution for me is to move away from my family because even though they talk about being helpless, they aren't and I finally realize that.HUGS
to all those that shared. I also finally realized I wasn't alone.
I'm very glad things are better for you TayLa.
J. Allen I have known a couple situations where people did not get help until they forced a crisis, or had one forced upon them. In one situation there was one person doing full time care of a relative who had quite extreme medical needs. It wasn't until the relative ended up hospitalized that the government was forced to provide home care because legally the hospital was not allowed to release the person until adequate physical care was available in the home. Unfortunately people have been known to actually leave a relative at the hospital in order to get them into the system. The hospital can't just wheel you out into the street and leave you there.
I realize you're not going to want to do that, but it seems that forcing family may be necessary. You may need to get demanding, there is no reason family and friends of your parents can't roster themselves on to cover a few days a week. You may find there are volunteer organizations as well, or church groups that can show up even a couple times a month. Asking does squat, I think presenting a CRISIS gets attention.
Call a meeting, send emails every single day, make phone calls every single day to family and be clear about what small thing you are asking of them. Tell them if you are so burned out you just leave your mom will die and tell them you leaving is a real possibility. Frighten the crap out of them, be loud and vocal and embarrassing. Make doing something easier on them than not doing something. Threaten to drop your mom off at someone else's place. Tell them there is a real possibility that this will happen. Make them shit themselves, make your personal crisis THEIRS.
People react to crisis, not the status quo. Frankly these relatives have a lot of nerve. If they had ZERO ability to commit to one day a month they could each surely commit to getting together and paying for home care a couple days a week. That's what you do when you have family with needs. It is bullshit to say you care about people and love them if you are not willing to give your time or money when the need is there.
Anyway I think you should try making your crisis their crisis. Don't worry that they will hate you and think you are horrible.
J. Allen I have known a couple situations where people did not get help until they forced a crisis, or had one forced upon them. In one situation there was one person doing full time care of a relative who had quite extreme medical needs. It wasn't until the relative ended up hospitalized that the government was forced to provide home care because legally the hospital was not allowed to release the person until adequate physical care was available in the home. Unfortunately people have been known to actually leave a relative at the hospital in order to get them into the system. The hospital can't just wheel you out into the street and leave you there.
I realize you're not going to want to do that, but it seems that forcing family may be necessary. You may need to get demanding, there is no reason family and friends of your parents can't roster themselves on to cover a few days a week. You may find there are volunteer organizations as well, or church groups that can show up even a couple times a month. Asking does squat, I think presenting a CRISIS gets attention.
Call a meeting, send emails every single day, make phone calls every single day to family and be clear about what small thing you are asking of them. Tell them if you are so burned out you just leave your mom will die and tell them you leaving is a real possibility. Frighten the crap out of them, be loud and vocal and embarrassing. Make doing something easier on them than not doing something. Threaten to drop your mom off at someone else's place. Tell them there is a real possibility that this will happen. Make them shit themselves, make your personal crisis THEIRS.
People react to crisis, not the status quo. Frankly these relatives have a lot of nerve. If they had ZERO ability to commit to one day a month they could each surely commit to getting together and paying for home care a couple days a week. That's what you do when you have family with needs. It is bullshit to say you care about people and love them if you are not willing to give your time or money when the need is there.
Anyway I think you should try making your crisis their crisis. Don't worry that they will hate you and think you are horrible.
A
Amaris
Guest
I can relate to most of what J. Allen said.
HUGS
*hugs*
Oh, many of them don't like me anyway, because I do put the screws to them, because I am desperate and they know it. I have several family members who are overflowing with wealth. She has 14 living brothers and sisters, 4 of them who live within 10 miles of her, and not a one to lift a finger. Is that not pathetic?
As I'm sure you are aware, from what you've posted, I've cajoled, I've begged, I've become angry, and they ignore it. The biggest concern I have is that I can't continue. I really am the type of person who will give and give and give until it not only hurts, but starts killing me.
Upsetting the status quo, however, is the problem. See, if I did this, my family wouldn't step in at all. They've essentially washed their hands of her. She, who used to babysit their kids, who would go to their houses and nurse their kids back to health when they were sick (because quite a few of them are lazy), can't even get help from her sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews whom she cared for back when she was still hale and healthy. Not a one of them has even offered to help, at least not without significant cash incentive.
Yeah, that's the kind of family I'm dealing with. The threat of leaving wouldn't faze them. Plus, Ohio doesn't really have a safety net for people like my mom. Insurance won't help her, the state has no programs to protect her, and if I did give her up, they would likely put her in an assisted care facility run by the state (poorly run by the state, I should add), and that final indignity would kill her.
I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't, and doubly damned the longer I take to decide, so I just keep doing. It's a good plan, on your part, it really is, but it relies on our family giving a damn, and they just don't. That's why I'm still here after all of these years. It's killing me, but the alternative is that it kills her, and that's just unacceptable. I realize I can't win in such a situation, but if I'm going down, I'm doing it with my principles intact.
Also, thank you.
I think teacake was talking about upright making it a crisis though, not asking people to replace you. I'm not going to tell you that's the best route, I just felt like you were talking about different things.
Normally I'd never suggest this but I feel like you're in a place where you are desperate and it is killing you. So in terms of making it everyone's crisis, I think publicizing the issue could be another way to go. Maybe people don't respond to appeals to their goodness, but maybe they respond to shame.
In regards to this, I can see your reasoning but that's not how love works. You have redeeming qualities beyond your ability to love and your popularity here demonstrates that. And finding a partner or even someone to spend the night with isn't about some checklist. After the divorce I dated a few guys and one of them was really forthcoming about his financial irresponsibility in the past. He was doing better now, but obviously wasn't top of the line if I was looking for $$$$. But he was funny and intelligent and we had a good time together.
Yes there are people out there who would tick off everything on a checklist but I think you underestimate how many of us don't.
Normally I'd never suggest this but I feel like you're in a place where you are desperate and it is killing you. So in terms of making it everyone's crisis, I think publicizing the issue could be another way to go. Maybe people don't respond to appeals to their goodness, but maybe they respond to shame.
In regards to this, I can see your reasoning but that's not how love works. You have redeeming qualities beyond your ability to love and your popularity here demonstrates that. And finding a partner or even someone to spend the night with isn't about some checklist. After the divorce I dated a few guys and one of them was really forthcoming about his financial irresponsibility in the past. He was doing better now, but obviously wasn't top of the line if I was looking for $$$$. But he was funny and intelligent and we had a good time together.
Yes there are people out there who would tick off everything on a checklist but I think you underestimate how many of us don't.
I think I've shared my story on here before, but it's been a long while and things are a whole lot better for me now, In some respects. I'm not great at putting things into words so this might be a bit brief and disjointed.
The story for me starts about 5 ish years ago, I'm really awful at keeping track of the years so it's all a guess really. But this was before I went to uni. I'm transgender and at the time I'd only come out to my mum, the great plan was to transition before I went to uni, hoping that it'd all work out, with new people and all that. But it never happened. Moving away to uni was really difficult, it was the first time I'd been away from home. I did make friends pretty quickly, had some great times and all that, and I suppose had the freedom to be myself some of the time. But being away from home was getting to me, uni wasn't going so well. I was always a shy person, but I found even going out would cause me real anxiety problems. I couldn't face getting up and going into uni, and the longer I left it the worse it got. I was so depressed I'd be sleeping most of the day, and the few hours I was awake it would be the early hours of the morning. I just didn't care. I started to drink every day, sacrificed buying food for drink, then I started cutting myself. That's when I really scared myself.
I went home for christmas 2013, and before new year I'd told everyone else and started my transition. The depression had slowly got better, still now I don't really feel totally better. I know I'm spending the time I should be having a good time and living my life while I'm free still trying to recover from the depression and mostly the anxiety. There's a certain feeling of hopelessness as I've not really got any idea of what my future will be. I just know it likely won't be anything like I wanted it to be. I can't go outside alone, not even to the shop or anything like that. So my life is totally reliant on other people. I'm currently at counselling for the anxiety, we'll see how that goes.
I am as a whole so much happier than I ever was. I thought that no one could ever be attracted to me, that people would be really mean towards me. But the past year has proven both of those wrong. So it's getting better.
And to anyone else who's suffering depression and anxiety, it does get better.
The story for me starts about 5 ish years ago, I'm really awful at keeping track of the years so it's all a guess really. But this was before I went to uni. I'm transgender and at the time I'd only come out to my mum, the great plan was to transition before I went to uni, hoping that it'd all work out, with new people and all that. But it never happened. Moving away to uni was really difficult, it was the first time I'd been away from home. I did make friends pretty quickly, had some great times and all that, and I suppose had the freedom to be myself some of the time. But being away from home was getting to me, uni wasn't going so well. I was always a shy person, but I found even going out would cause me real anxiety problems. I couldn't face getting up and going into uni, and the longer I left it the worse it got. I was so depressed I'd be sleeping most of the day, and the few hours I was awake it would be the early hours of the morning. I just didn't care. I started to drink every day, sacrificed buying food for drink, then I started cutting myself. That's when I really scared myself.
I went home for christmas 2013, and before new year I'd told everyone else and started my transition. The depression had slowly got better, still now I don't really feel totally better. I know I'm spending the time I should be having a good time and living my life while I'm free still trying to recover from the depression and mostly the anxiety. There's a certain feeling of hopelessness as I've not really got any idea of what my future will be. I just know it likely won't be anything like I wanted it to be. I can't go outside alone, not even to the shop or anything like that. So my life is totally reliant on other people. I'm currently at counselling for the anxiety, we'll see how that goes.
I am as a whole so much happier than I ever was. I thought that no one could ever be attracted to me, that people would be really mean towards me. But the past year has proven both of those wrong. So it's getting better.
And to anyone else who's suffering depression and anxiety, it does get better.
A
Amaris
Guest
I'll try the shame approach, I will. That said, I expect nothing of it, because my family doesn't possess the quality of having shame. Still, it's worth a shot.
You know, what's funny is that I don't have any kind of list for anyone, just myself.
Thank you for the kind words, Kestra.
I read this thread earlier today and I was thinking a similar thing. Guilt trip them if you can. I'd never usually suggest it but in your situation it may be necessary. If they tell you they love her or whatever, question it. Say if they really did they'd spent time with her, help her out, give you - her son a much needed respite. Show them up and like Kestra says, shame them.
Also, forgive me if I'm making assumptions here but I'm guessing that some of them are Christian since you mentioned they said they'd pray for her- drag their so called faith into it. They're not practicing what they claim to preach.
Maybe even use that quote if you think it'll be effective.James 2:14-17 said:
As a Christian myself (as a decent fucking human being for that matter) I know I'd never be able to live with myself if any of my close family were in a situation like yours, I had the opportunity to help directly and I did nothing.
