Transporter Officer: "Oh, crap! I just accidentally wiped out everybody's Frequent Transporter Miles!"
TNG Caption This! #377: Future Starts Slow
- Thread starter LeadHead
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Transporter Officer: "Oh, crap! I just accidentally wiped out everybody's Frequent Transporter Miles!"
Transporter: It's asking for a User Login ID.
Picard: Just enter your email.
Transporter: Wait, is my email address my Login ID? Or is it my User ID?
Data: Your Login ID is the same as your User ID, which is based on your email address.
Transporter: But my User Name is TinglyPsychosis83. Is that one word or three, or do I use underscores?
Data: You are confusing your Login ID with your Screen Name, which is your User Profile ID that you enter into your membership page. Metathesis is -
Transporter: Wait, now it says I didn't activate Flash.
Worf: Oh for Feklar's sake! I will disembowel Adobe!
Troi: You can't "disembowel Adobe," you lumbering malignant neoplasm.
Riker: Just push the Flash icon on that panel. Chief O'Brien installed an add-on so you wouldn't have to drill down into the options submenus. The...blinky orange light. No, the orange one. The orange one that says "FLASH" on it. No, that one is sepia, and it's not blinking, and it says "PURGE BIOFILTERS" on it.
Transporter: Thanks, that...should...do...it. Oh, now it's telling me I have to upgrade to the latest version of Real Player.
Picard: You know what? Screw those space orphans. Bridge, set course for the next fresh hell.
RIKER: Sir, what are you wasting your time to figure how look her butt?
RIKER: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
TROI: WILL!
RIKER: Well, it's a talking shrubbery, but it has BOOOOBS!
TROI: What are you re-remastering this scene? And why do I sense horniness? Are you trying to make my butt more ap...
ENSIGN: God bless the mute button!
GEORDI: This is red there because Data made Monty Python references before you sir.
PICARMORED SAINT: But why this is so red?
GEORDI: One of them was about the knights who say NI.
LWAXANA: Oh, Jean-Luc, you don't have to drink to forget your Chief of Operations has already made a references about the knights who say NI ten hours before you did.
ENSIGN: Everything is ready sir...but why do you want to be beamed in that temporal anomaly, it'll only bring you 12 hours earlier?
TROI: The Captain needs to fix something, Ensign, it's very important for him.
ENSIGN: Ok..but why does he want to have Lieutenant Commander Data beamed into the black hole instead of the temporal anomaly?
Alien (whispers): "Pinhead, Captain Picard."
Picard: "Uh...excuse me?"
Alien: "Is that not the traditional greeting of your species? I kept hearing your crew members whispering it to each other as I passed them in your corridors."
Transporter Operator: Oh my God, the command staff! I actually get to transport you somewhere? I've dreamed about this day since I was first posted to the Enterprise! This is literally the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!
Picard: Um... actually, crewman, we were heading for Transporter Room *Three*.
Transporter Operator: Uh, O'Brien's room? Of course. It's, um, across the corridor.
Picard: Yes, I believe we accidentally turned left instead of right...
Transporter Operator: Um, no problem, sir. I'll just power down the console...
All: <uncomfortable silence>
.
.
.
Troi: I sense awkwardness!
Riker: "Excuse me Ensign, your arm is in the way of me being able to prop my leg up on your console and sticking my crotch in your face."
Picard Thinking: "I wish the replicator was fixed so I could have had a nice steak..... instead I'm stuck with this tiny plate of Tofu & Cucumber Ration #82"
Picard: "Geordi, I know your visor gives you some screwy vision but..... DOWN IN FRONT!!!"
Crewmen: "I'm sorry Captain.... I uh... I'm not sure what's wrong. There was this blue screen with some error codes on it, then it rebooted. It then loaded back up, but now it's asking me to 'Insert Floppy Disc A'..... "
*Picard Looks to Data*
Data: "..... Sir... It would be more efficient to replicate the original floppy disc rather than me repeating this process again. I find this is inappropriate."
Musketeer: "SET SABRES TO RUN..... THROUGH!"
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"CAPTAIN'S PERSONAL LOG: Ambassador Troi has invited me to dinner, which honour and duty demand that I accept. However, she has offered me an apéritif from a glass which she, herself, has only just tasted it from. Other people's backwash is repugnant to me and I must confess that I am at a loss, as how to ... There she goes, again: encouraging me to drink and drink deeply. Just the thought of it and I'm finding the gag reflex is difficult to supress. Whilst I sit here ... staring into this drink. A drink pregnant with backwash ... in a glass with Broadway Red lipstick on its rim."
Riker: Captain Picard is the Federation's leading expert at reading dignitaries for starship diplomacy.
Picard: So, Ambassador, a Vulcan, a hipster and a half-naked man walk into a bar....
Picard: A mind reader with no boundaries, great....
Lwaxana: So who's this...Batanides, and why do you need to drink until I look like her?
LaForge: Captain, we found a point four variance in muon emission from the starboard impulse reactor filter. An anion sweep might tell us if he used a phasing cloak to infiltrate this deck.
Troi: 24th century Where's Waldo is fucking hard.
Transporter: All set to go. Now, did you want me to rematerialize you individually or do a selective body swap?
Picard: What the...
Transporter: Just kidding. Body swaps are totally random.
3 Mustketeers: We fight so we can get honor!
Riker: Hey, there's no need for violence, she's totally easy.
ALL: I want to swap my body with Troi!
Transporter: All set to go. Now, did you want me to rematerialize you individually or do a selective body swap?
PICARD: Sorry Ambassador, I forgot not everybody keeps their genitals in the same place.
Geordi: The red represents the area over which we found the remains of Leyland T. Lynch.
Picard: And no one knows who pushed him into the giant meat grinder?
Geordi: Complete mystery sir.
Commander's Personal Log: The one piece uniform worn by the lower ranks is much more flattering on the old belly, I wonder if I could sneakily slip back into one...
Picard: Thinking: Oh crap, which knife do I use for which course? I can never remember.
Ensign: I'm ready to beam you all down, but Commander Riker Sir... don't you want to stop the Captain going on this mission as his place in on the bridge?
Riker: No, apparently Captain Slaphead here has a better agent than me, so he's now getting to do all the action plot stuff originally intended for my character whilst I'm basically going to become dead weight.
Riker: Computer, we asked for Dogtanian and the Three Muskerhounds!
RIKER: The Captain decide to put his cool jacket, to bring a phasers and to go with Data and Worf, but it's just gonna be a boring walk in the desert. Now excuse me, I've to win a space battle again a smuggler and to beat up some space gangsters into a bar.
TROI: No Will, this time we have to carry "things" to a Pakhled orphanage.
Picard and Riker start to sobb.
Transporter: Listen, are you quite sure you had penises when you beamed down?
All: YES!
LaForge: No, no, no. This is how you moonwalk.
ENSIGN: This week, you get a Kahless figurine if you take an Happy Meal.
WORF: I will take 60 Rokeg blood pie Happy Meal!
Thank you!
LaForge: ``And … uhm … sorry, I can't quite make out the text here.''
Picard: ``You can't read that? Mister LaForge, I think you need glasses.''
Riker: ``Well, here's hoping the Captain can talk the ambassador into helping us punch holes in our biggest oil cans.''
Picard hated when the menu included Seattle Space Needle Salad.
Picard: ``Maybe if you tried using both hands?''
Riker: ``Well, of course. Time-travelling hologram alien robot musketeers testing humanity's virtues. You know, I hear there are starships that have freaking normal things happen for whole days in a freaking row.''
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