Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Moments

[cultcross]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I used to get the "I know the owner\manager!" or "The owner\manager is my neighbor\friend!" thing all the time. I'd always respond with "You know David?" they'd respond with "Yes, he's my neighbor\friend!", me "OK, well his name isn't David, it's John, so I guess you don't know him." It's was amazing how angry they would get after that.

I get variations on that all the time. Seems most of Bristol is a close personal friend of the Chief Constable. Thing is, they'll never admit to claiming that in a complaint, so you can say absolutely anything back to them.
Carjacker Joe: "do you know who I am?"
Me: "No sir, that's one of the reasons I'm now walking you to the back seat of my car"
CJ: "I'm a very good friend of your chief constable"
Me: "Well I'm sure he'll be delighted to get your phone call when we get you back to the cells"
CJ: "Do you value your job? He won't like this!"
Me:"He's also not fond of people jacking cars in his city, I'm surprised he never mentioned that"
CJ: "I pay your ******* salary, you pig!"
Me: "Well, seeing as I'm a volunteer, I don't think I've left you too out of pocket, sir - mind your head on the car there"

Difference between that and my day job - I can tell people when they're being an idiot.
Well, crooks anyway. our "victims" less so:
Razza: "Shazzas bin textin us like 'die bitch' an' 'i hope you die' that liek assault or whatever innit, i wont 'er nicked"
Me: ~internally~ohforgodssake ~outloud~ "Well, Threats to Kill is an offence we take very seriously, madam, woudl you like to take a seat and I'll take some details"
....

 

[Mitty]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I support a cost accounting package in which you can create multiple cost centre structures up to 15 levels deep to allocate charges to. When you are creating and editing cost centres and cost centre structures you do it from a single menu. If you are deleteing a cost centre you select "delete cost centre", but there is also a "delete cost centre structure" option, which if selected and confirmed will delete ALL the cost centres. Once they are gone there's no getting them back. It happens with monotonous regularity even though there are multiple warning messages telling people what they will be doing.

I hate to say it but there is one sex in particular who are very good at doing this. I won't say which one.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

This isn't mine, I'm just passing along the link for y'all to enjoy...

It's the Vinegar Boy Saga!

 

[thestrangequark]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

And a tie with that one: Bookstore, a customer returned a King-James Bible for being ~wait for it~....

... Being to religious.

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

I worked at a Ben and Jerry's during college. I recall a woman coming in and asking if we had bacon and eggs. Which is funny not only because it was an ice cream shop, but because it was a kosher ice cream shop.

 

[daeana]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

i had a similar moment with one of my students recently.

her: when's the make-up exam?
me: during the next class, so be sure to come to class.
her: i'll be in class, but i have stuff right after class. is it after class?
me: no, it's during class.......

 

[Rincewiend]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I don't know why, but I'm endlessly surprised at the idiocy of people.

I'm not...

 

[Smiley]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

This isn't mine, I'm just passing along the link for y'all to enjoy...

It's the Vinegar Boy Saga!

I could only make it to Page 3 of 7 before giving up in despair. Some people really ought not get a job that requires them to work with people. At least one person in the story should not have reproduced.

 

[MetalPants]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

Any of you get "I know the owner" at an employee-owned store or a mega-corporate entity like Wal-Mart?

At Wal-Mart, it's "I know your store manager."

A conversation I had this morning...

ME-Good morning sir, can I help you?
Customer-Yeah, looking for some of those Gorton fish packs.
Me-Yes sir, let me bring them right out, I'm in the middle of moving them, so I'll be right back.
Customer-The door is completely empty and I didn't see any.
Me-Yes sir, I'm moving them. Let me bring them out to you.
Customer-Are you moving them or are you bringing them out?
Me-Yes sir, I'm moving them, so they are in my freezer right now. Let me go get them and I'll be right back.
Customer-You're... moving.... them??????

(before he says another word, I turn around and go to my freezer)

So I bring them out. The customer has vanished. After a few minutes, a coworker and I find him, and take the different varieties of fish over to him.

Customer-Yeah, I was looking for those fill-its. (Yes, that is how he said it.)
Me-Yes sir, I have lemon and herb fillets, garlic and butter fillets, tilapia fillets, lemon and herb tilapia fillets, beer battered fillets, crunchy fillets, crunchy potatoe covered fillets, gilled fillets, grilled filets with butter sauce...

He grabs a package and walks off.

 

[SinglePurpose]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

One time I told a woman that we couldn't activate a prepaid cellphone for her and she would have to go to the company's website to do so. She told me she couldn't do that because she didn't have transportation.

 

[Trekker4747]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I still don't think anything beats the "kosher pork" guy.

But here's one. Lady came in on Easter Sunday at around 8 or 9 AM.

Asked where our frozen turkeys were. Umm, OK. So I showed her them.

She then asked if the turkey could be thawed and cooked in time for her Easter Dinner that night.



"Erm. No."

"Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes, ma'am. It'd take two days to thaw this out, at least."
"Oh. Wow. What should I do then? My whole family is coming to dinner tonight!"
"Well, I have fresh turkeys over here."
"Really? I didn't know you could sell them like that."

You know. I pretty sure no turnip trucks came through town that weekend, obviously I was mistaken.

 

[Holoaddict]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I work as a customer service representative for perhaps the most hated government agengy in America. Oh the stories I could tell, if I have not mentally blocked them out. I really get a thrill out of some of the "Where's my refund?" calls. The customers we deal with should get down on their knees and thank God that their calls are being recorded and monitored. This keeps most of us CSRs from giving in to the temptation to tell people what we really think of them.

 

[Trekker4747]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I work as a customer service representative for perhaps the most hated government agengy in America.

So, pretty much, you work for the Government.

 

[D Man]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

The standard "are you SERIOUS!?!?!??!" call I got quite often working at a pizza place went something like,

"Thank you for calling Pizza Pie-er, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, can I get a pizza?"
"Sure thing, what would you like on it?"
"I don't know."
My head explodes, and then they have me read basically the whole menu to them. Fun every time!

 

[Trekker4747]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

The standard "are you SERIOUS!?!?!??!" call I got quite often working at a pizza place went something like,

"Thank you for calling Pizza Pie-er, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, can I get a pizza?"
"Sure thing, what would you like on it?"
"I don't know."
My head explodes, and then they have me read basically the whole menu to them. Fun every time!

I get people like this all of the time. I ask people if they need help, they say yes, which pretty much means the "help" they need is for me to stand there and watch them hem and haw for 5 minutes before, maybe knowing what they want only to change there mind half-way through the order.

God I'll be glad when my time there is over and I go on to my own shop where I can hide in the office and do "paperwork" all day.

Related to reading the menu off, we've got an old lady who calls us every Wednesday afternoon and wants someone to read all of our new specials too her in the department, pretty much read the ad to her.

Lady, just go buy a paper and get the damn ad yourself!

 

[mimic]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I work as a customer service representative for perhaps the most hated government agengy in America. Oh the stories I could tell, if I have not mentally blocked them out. I really get a thrill out of some of the "Where's my refund?" calls.

Last year my Dad screwed up my taxes and had me overpay by about $400. The IRS was lovely and told me I'd be getting money back - but as of August it hadn't come. I had to call for them to release it. You jerks had me on hold for a good 40 minutes!

 

[Trekker4747]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I work as a customer service representative for perhaps the most hated government agengy in America. Oh the stories I could tell, if I have not mentally blocked them out. I really get a thrill out of some of the "Where's my refund?" calls.

Last year my Dad screwed up my taxes and had me overpay by about $400. The IRS was lovely and told me I'd be getting money back - but as of August it hadn't come. I had to call for them to release it. You jerks had me on hold for a good 40 minutes!

The irony is that if you owed *them* money they'd want it right away.

 

[freak]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

This is like Bill Engvall's Here's Your Sign jokes..I hate stupid people..especially at grocery stores and such.

Here's a good example. I went into a gas station this morning cause I had to go to the bathroom really bad. Anyway, got a drink and went up to the cash register. The lady looked me right in the eye and said: "is that a drink??" I almost said: "no, princess it's freaky phenomenon made of styrofoam!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Anyway, I can't stand people like that.

 

[Trekker4747]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

"Here's you sign."

 

[Eratta]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I work at a wine shop/bar. A few months ago, I had this lovely exchange with a woman probably in her 30's.

Me: Good afternoon, can I help you?
Customer: Do you carry non-alcoholic wine?
Me...No, I'm afraid we don't.
Customer: Why not? You should carry it for people who are allergic to alcohol.
Me: Well, non-alcoholic wine would be grape juice, which isn't generally carried in a wine shop.

 

[26138]

Re: Your "I Won't Say Anything, but this Customer Needs a Brain" Momen

I had a lady get a meatloaf dinner from me and then ask if she could have more of the sauce that was on top. What sauce was that? It was the red "sauce" on top of the meatloaf, which as I hope most of you should know, is ketchup. She didn't talk much through the rest of the transaction after I told her what our special meatloaf sauce was.

I've got dozens more but if I post them, it'll just bring up horrible anger-filled memories. I think everyone should have to work in a grocery store for a year, minimum. That way they know how stupid people are.