Worst-Ever Fan Fic Challenge

[Trelane]

Just an idea here. I saw the thread in Trek Movies about the ideas no-one wants to see in the Nu movies and I just got this huge grin on my face, thinking "Hmm.., what if?"

I want the Mods & Members to consider the possibility in the next few months about a "Godawful Fanfic Challenge". Just to be silly and go in an entirely new direction than we usually go in.

The oddest possible characters on freighters, cruisers, and on colonies. Ships like Kaiser's overkill vessels in the Trek Art thread. Again, just to be silly and stupid than worry about continuity, etc.

 

[KHAAAN]

The Romulan warbird was larger and more heavily armed than anything in the Starfleet database. Five kilometres in length, it bristled with spikes, blades, extra warp nacelles and torpedo tubes.

"Mr Spock, report," ordered the Captain.

Spock managed to tear himself away from making out with Uhura in the back row of bridge seating and, reigning in his blazing fury at Kirk's remarks, managed to look at the sensor readout:

"Sensors indicate that the enemy vessel is powering up its Genesis Torpedo launcher, and is currently targeting the planet Earth..."

"Good God, man!" exclaimed Dr McCoy, hanging out on the bridge for no good reason. "If it destroys Earth..."

"Yes," Kirk agreed, thoughtfully resting his chin on his hand. "The consequences would be catastrophic. I mean, it's not like it's one of those two-bit planets it's already destroyed - Andor, Tellar, Vulcan - it's Earth!"

Spock once again resisted the urge to snap the Captain's neck like a twig, deciding to start massaging Uhura's feet instead. The communications officer, however, was distracted from this important business by an incoming communication:

"They're hailing us, Captain."

"On screen."

The image that appeared before the appalled bridge crew was that of a scarred, demonic visage, twisted by hatred and the thirst for revenge. The demon in humanoid shape narrowed its single eye, spitting its declaration through filed, yellow teeth:

"From Hell's heart I stab at thee, Jim boy!" growled Mudd. "For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!"

 

[TheLoneRedshirt]

Almost perfect. The Enterprise just needs a Sombrero and a Pez dispenser.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

Someone find a link to the Robert Scorpio Star Trek 24 stories!77777797979999999999997+77+797

 

[KHAAAN]

My nam iz Q'art'xma. I am a telleright/human/vulcan/borg and i am an offercer on the uss entreprise. i am also totaly goffick and i ware all blak and cut myself and if you dont lik it, go fukk the f off!!

You put my paltry effort to shame with that -- honestly, you are Il Maestro...!

 

[Broccoli]

Someone find a link to the Robert Scorpio Star Trek 24 stories!77777797979999999999997+77+797

Captain Kirk, Jack Bauer, and............INDIANA JONES?!!? How are they going to save the Death Star??? Find out in--------------->Star Trek: The Temple of 24 Strikes Back!!!!

My nam iz Q'art'xma. I am a telleright/human/vulcan/borg and i am an offercer on the uss entreprise. i am also totaly goffick and i ware all blak and cut myself and if you dont lik it, go fukk the f off!!

You put my paltry effort to shame with that -- honestly, you are Il Maestro...!

I aim to please, but I can't take all the credit. I had inspiration.

 

[KHAAAN]

I aim to please, but I can't take all the credit. I had inspiration.

To be honest, the distinctive use of the word "thingy" did tip me off...

 

[Trelane]

Actually, I was thinking of fics involving Wesley Crusher (tempted to screw with his mother's destiny/fate as the future "Mrs. Jean Luc Picard," aboard the Enterprise-E,) after he returns from traveling abroad right before / during / right after "Nemesis" or bringing back characters like Kyle Riker in a 'shipper story with Katherine Pulaski, & dealing with the sudden appearance of Thomas Riker.

What Ship's Counselor wants to get stuck with these assignments?

Perhaps a day in the life of the (future) twenty-eight year old Natasha Miana Troi-Riker.

 

[JarodRussell]

 

[TheLoneRedshirt]

^ I sit in awe, dumbstruck by the sheer . . . awfulness.

 

[Timewalker]

Actually, I was thinking of fics involving Wesley Crusher (tempted to screw with his mother's destiny/fate as the future "Mrs. Jean Luc Picard," aboard the Enterprise-E,) after he returns from traveling abroad right before / during / right after "Nemesis" or bringing back characters like Kyle Riker in a 'shipper story with Katherine Pulaski, & dealing with the sudden appearance of Thomas Riker.

What Ship's Counselor wants to get stuck with these assignments?

Perhaps a day in the life of the (future) twenty-eight year old Natasha Miana Troi-Riker.

Damn, I wish I could find my old copies of Thataway!. Back in the late '80s-early '90s, my local Star Trek club did a multi-chapter Next Gen soap opera parody in our club fanzine, and the primary author decided to have Wesley do some kind of experiment that resulted in bringing Jack Crusher back from the dead 'cause he didn't like his mom getting involved with Picard.

And just to cause more confusion, at Christmastime, Darth Vader showed up with a very-much-alive Tasha Yar (much to Data's great delight).

As much as we didn't care for Wesley, we couldn't stand Riker even more, so we made him the dumbest, most inept jerk ever (come to think of it, that's not too much of a stretch... ).

 

[Ziriath]

Its not how it seems to be!!! sade Jim. NO! I know pretty well wut u vere doin here!!!!! I thougt yu are my t hyla, and you cheatin me, right on teh brige !!!!!!! Spahk began to cry, tears shed all over his face, flowin away his rainbow eyeshadows. Jim said, I thought you are in love with Uhuru now! No, Im a pansexual,, as all teh vulkanz, replayd Spahk bethween sobs, but you not! I still wuv you the most, but you betrayed me!!!
I couldnt beliv meh pointy ears, det i wuz only Jims side intrerest! HE DIdnt rilly luv me! I couldnt see thru the tears of blad shedding from my turquise blue eyes and flowing over my pail white face. I got into turbolift and in tears walked into my room decorated in pink and blak and fell on the bed. Then i took a ancient vulcan knife with gems and ormaments on it, and then i done slit muh wrists.

 

[TheLoneRedshirt]

My eyes just started bleeding.

 

[ToddPence]

Does anyone on this thread really think that they can outdo Stephen Ratliff's "Time Speeder" or "Premier Maquis"?

 

[KHAAAN]

Does anyone on this thread really think that they can outdo Stephen Ratliff's "Time Speeder" or "Premier Maquis"?

Good point.

 

[Ziriath]

I am slash intolerant. So all the Spirk stories are the worst.

 

[kes7]

This thread is hilarious.

 

[Mistral]

My eyes just started bleeding.

Is that what's dripping on my shirt? I thought it was Tears of Ultimate Sadness. My bad.

 

[Broccoli]

Spork thew kirk acros the brige room. "Oh nos!" i screemed at the tip top of my lung (you see, I hav only 1 lugn bcuz I gave teh othre 1 too the Gorn (who's name is Gorny becuz he likes teh sex all teh time (hehehe.....get it???? It's a pun, cuz it is funny -- Don't wory, Gorny will com latter in dis stori)

Anyways, Spok yelled out "FUK YOU!, youo Goths!" See, spok hates on gothes, becuz he was a preppy in starfeet skool. he and I wuz in classes togeher and we was sexy togeher wen we went to skool. But when I went gothik, he hatted my new purlpe tips and fish net stokings (theys are stafreet stokings). Kirk, bxus he is smartted, yelled to me to, "Ativate.......................................OMEGERA BOMBOM!"

-------WARnbING! DIS PART IZ SCAREY!------------

I pressed the buton cuz I am teh olny 1 whow can worked the machne cuz that is my speliaty in starfeet (bsidz teh engines). The bredge got all gothixy dark blue and pruple and spok was SHOTTEED out into space.

then! a WOMRHOLE! opened up and the entreprize was suckked through!

WOOSHEY!!!!

Whened we gotted thru teh othre side, we gots a cal frm some shp. On the viewscene, it was....................................................CAPTAN PICARDY!

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I am slash intolerant. So all the Spirk stories are the worst.

Surely you mean "Spork?"