Work Anxiety/Depression

[Seven of Five]

I'm not too sure what I'm trying to say in all of this, so if it comes out in an incoherant babble, just carry on! Or just carry on anyway since this is all just a self-indulgent ranty-type thing.

I've been a supervisor at work now for 16 months, and whilst the job has one or two perks, generally, it's been a massive pain in the arse. I work in a supermarket, where the work ethic is to squeeze the last drop of work out of employees with the least possible pay. I get shot at from all directions, which I understand is fair enough, I'm running a department at the end of the day.

The thing is I kind of fell into the job when my supervisor stepped down 16 months ago. I was always happy being a step below her - I had her back, and helped out as much as I could, without being totally responsible for anything. Being in a secondary role is where I excelled. Moving up the ladder, I thought back then, would be a good learning experience, especially because I suffer from anxiety. I thought it would develop my skills with staff and management, and make me more competant as a person in general!

I'm totally crap though. I do well when it comes to writing rotas, training staff and doing paperwork. When it comes to dealing with managment though I always buckle, and have never had a good working relationship with them. If a manager comes and complains about something hasn't been done, I often find I can't speak properly, or at all, and just kind of take whatever they say onboard. I can never stick up for myself, or the department, and in general I feel very negative about the job. I never take being a supervisor seriously anymore; it definately feels like 'us' (the department) vs. 'them' (the management) at the moment.

The past few months have been quite hard. I had massive energy bills after Christmas, leaving me quite broke. This managed to coincide with some total shitness that I'd never experienced in a job till now. We had a girl transferred onto our department because she was dating her supervisor on her old department. They had to be split up because the supervisor was giving her girlfriend special treatment - they took holidays together, leaving the department in a mess, and would work late/early shifts together.

These two are very good friends with my line manager. A couple of weeks into this girl being put on my department, she asks for a day off, just two days before the actual day she asked for. I'd looked into it but letting her have it off would mess my department up that day, so I said no. She then goes to her friend, the line manager, out of work, saying how she can't get this day off. Next morning, the line manager calls me to her office, asking me to sort her shift out! I end up doing it, she has her day off (to get a fucking tattoo!), the department ends up fucked. Yet it was me that got it in the fucking neck from the deputy manager.

Bullshit. And what do I do? Besides get upset and say nothing? Seriously, I'm a total dipshit. How have I let myself get into a position where I'm getting myself into shit that I can't deal with? And ever since this whole thing happened, the line manager's attitude towards me has changed. I've found working there really upsetting, and my anxiety about the job now comes home with me. I spend various amounts of time worried about things at work, and my time leading up to before I go to bed is also anxious. I struggle getting off to sleep sometimes, often obsessing about health and death - which links back to when I've been depressed.

Luckily for me, my situation has changed. I've had a tax rebate, so I can pay off a loan that was soaking up money every month. I'm in a position now where I can step down from being a punching bag, and go back to being a lower-level pleb, and afford to stay alive. It really is good timing because like I say, for months I've been struggling. On Thursday I'm back in work and I plan to talk to personnel and management. I'm doing it for my health, and I hope it will give me a kick up the arse and make me take better care of myself at home with less crap to worry about. I don't eat properly, and my social life is pretty low-key.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety to varying degrees for years now. I've been on and off anti-depressants throughout life. I was most recently on them for nearly a year, which was about six or seven months ago now. I think generally depression rears its head if something negative happens, whereas anxiety is something I've struggled with since I was very young. It's something I've always had, and is something I'm used to having.

I thought I'd pop into the doctors today to try and start sorting myself out (this usually happens once a year, so it must be that time again!). I'm back on tablets again, and I'm seeing the cognetive-behaviour therapist who I've seen before. The doctor I saw gave me some 'great' advice - chill out and stop thinking about work. Why didn't I think of that? I just hope I'm a bit more useful in therapy this time. Usually I just like to wallow in self-pity, but a change in job role might shake me up a bit.

So that's it really. Anxiety is bad, and makes you feel bad in social situations (I had a meeting the other day in which I felt so embarressed and stupid, I just couldn't talk properly), yet it's taken me years to actually see the negative effect it has on my life. I'm just so used to the way I am that it's taken me a while to see things properly.

Thanks for reading, if you have. Comments, pity, laughter, whatever.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Alright, I read it all. I suffer from anxiety as well, so I know how you feel. And let me tell you, working in a grocery store was about the worst possible place for someone with anxiety issues. I worked in one last year for a couple of months and it was honestly the worst time in my life. Before I started the job I felt good, I felt happy and as confident as an anxiety-ridden person can be. Just a couple of weeks after starting the job I felt like absolute shit. It seems like no matter what level you are at in a supermarket, the management is always trying to make you feel like an insignificant incompetent loser. Maybe it was just the store I was at, or the people I was working with, but it was awful.

I hadn't worked for a few months before that, so I thought, maybe I just need to get used to working again, being told what to do and such. But now that I have had a different job for about six months I realize that I was wrong. It wasn't working that made me feel so depressed and horrible about myself, it was THAT job, and THAT environment. From what I observed of my co-workers, bosses, friends who've worked at such places, etc. is that to work in a grocery store and actually be happy, you must MUST be a social person. Someone who can strike up a casual conversation with anyone and who is willing to be fake and play the petty little games that go on. Now there may be some positions that don't require this, like maybe cutting meat or something, but even the baggers had to play into it. It was all incredibly shitty and I dreaded coming into work every day. That job made me hate myself and my life.

So I guess my point is that maybe working in a grocery store isn't the best environment for you. Especially not the one you are currently working at. It sounds like even if you go back to your old position things will still be strained because of the experiences you've had in the last few months. Your relationship will management will likely not improve, and even if you don't have to deal with them as often, the strained relationships will still cause a negative work environment. If you don't think this is the case, then don't listen to me. You would know better than anyone else what things will be like when you go back to your old position.

But if you think this might be the case, that things still aren't going so well and you are still feeling anxiety about going to work every day, please try to find another job. It may take a while but it will be worth it just to start fresh, with new people who don't have personal grudges against you. If I were you I would move to a different area of retail and avoid grocery stores entirely, but if you like working in one then try another branch or another chain. Then again, maybe all you need is some more meds. I don't know, only you can know that kind of stuff.

 

[RJDiogenes]

It's good that you're looking for a new position; it might also be a good idea to look for a new company. Being middle management is tough. When I was a manager, toward the end, I was getting headaches, a stiff neck and a cramp in my side nearly every day; and my insomnia was far worse than it is now. The extra money is definitely not worth ill health.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

I think you're doing the best you can, and making some good steps.

Two things I saw there though, your original manager left (wonder why?), you had been a good assistant, "had their back". You need someone as a dependable assisstant to have your back, some one who can actually assist you. If you get some pain in the ass needing a day off and you have to rewrite the schedule, instead of feeling anxiety over it all, just delegate the schedule to your assisstant. Also, someone you can bitch to about upper management and get it off your chest and laugh about it.

Second, and I realize you have money problems, but you should look into some kind of management training if you are going to be a manager. Check out local social agencies or churches and see if there are short career skills courses available. This will help you to anticipate that things like this come up, how to deal with them, how to deal with upper management putting things on your shoulders, etc. If nothing else, taking a course and meeting people in similiar situations will be like group therapy.

You may not be happy at this job with this company, but you should see this as a stepping stone, a job you can move on from to something better. You will apply for a job as manager at a decent firm, and use this as the related experience on your resume. This isn't shit you have to live with for the rest of your life, it's something you can use to build into something better.