AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following story should be considered humor, a la the "Lower Decks" series. If you take your Trek super-seriously, you probably want to stop reading now.
Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, thousands of light years from Federation space. The USS Voyager continues its very long homeward journey.
The turbolift opens. Tom Paris enters the bridge. Chakotay and Tuvok exchange glances as he passes them.
JANEWAY (brusquely): "You're late, Mr. Paris."
PARIS: "Ma'am?"
TUVOK: "According to the chip's chronometer, by 22 seconds."
PARIS (surprised at everyone's coolness): "I'll make it up at the end of my shift."
CHAKOTAY: "See that you do."
JANEWAY: "Take your station."
Tom looks at B'Elanna, but she says nothing. Thoroughly confused, Tom goes to his station and finds a small wooden box on his seat.
CHAKOTAY: "Open it. that's an order."
Tom opens the box, and finds a black rank pip, identical to the one he lost in "Thirty Days". He smiles and relaxes, realizing what his shipmates were up to.
CHAKOTAY: "Not only late, but improperly dressed. That belongs on your collar, Mr. Paris."
Janeway, who has been smiling behind his back, approaches him.
JANEWAY: "Allow me." (pins the pip to Tom's collar) "As ship's captain, I hereby reinstate you to the tank of lieutenent, with all the privileges and responsibilities therein. Your performance over this past year has been exemplary. I expect more of the same."
TOM: "You won't be disappointed."
B'ELANNA (approaches): "Congratulations, lieutenant."
She and Tom kiss. Then, Harry (over at his station) speaks up.
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A brief awkward silence. Before anyone can say anything, however, there is an alert signal from one of the consoles. And so, despite the fact that Harry has brought up a completely legitimate grievance, nothing comes of it.
However... what if that convenient bridge alert had not happened? What if Janeway had actually had to explain an action that had no rational explanation, to defend a personnel decision for which there was no coherent defense? What might have happened then?
Obviously, if the writers of Voyager had wanted to answer that question, they would have made the convenient bridge alert occur later, or not at all. Luckily for you, I have seen fit to provide five possibilities on what might have happened next. Let us rewind time by just a few seconds, and see where this could have gone...
ENDING #1
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A long and rather awkward silence. Everyone exchanges glances.
CHAKOTAY: "I guess that is kind of odd, isn't it?"
TUVOK: "Indeed. Despite uniformly excellent performance of his duties, Mr. Kim has been an ensign for five years, eleven months, and four days. Given that even mediocre Starfleet ensigns are typically promoted to lieutenant within three years, his lack of advancement is quite anomalous."
PARIS: "Captain, how do you choose who gets promoted and who doesn't?"
JANEWAY: "I read the personnel reviews that the computer sends to my padd every morning, same as any captain does. Computer, why was Ensign Harry Kim never listed as due for promotion?"
COMPUTER: "Ensign Harry Kim died on Stardate 49548, due to a fatal decompression accident."
PARIS: "Oh, yeah, the thing with that duplicate Voyager and those Vidiians."
JANEWAY: "That's right, I remember now." (addresses Harry) "Your counterpart died, and I never got around to telling the computer that you came over to replace him."
PARIS (pats Harry on the shoulder): "Congratulations, Harry. You've been dead for over four years."
HARRY: "Wait a minute... if the computer thinks I'm dead, how come I still have assigned shifts? Why do I have replicator rations?"
JANEWAY: "Commander Chakotay is responsible for the duty roster, and Mr. Neelix oversees replicator rations. The computer tracks officer seniority."
HARRY: "Left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing?"
JANEWAY: "Even 70,000 light years from home, you can't escape from bureaucracy."
HARRY: "Right."
ENDING 2
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A long and awkward silence, then the first officer responds with a tiny hint of exasperation.
CHAKOTAY: "Well, Mr. Kim, have you tried looking under it?"
Harry looks under his console, has to crawl around a bit. At length, he comes up with a small wooden box. It's covered with dust, grime, and mold; it's obviously not been touched in some time. He opens it, and yes, there's a black pip inside.
HARRY: "How long ago..."
We get the sense that Harry probably doesn't want to know the answer to this. Nonetheless, Tuvok provides it with typical Vulcan precision.
TUVOK: "Captain Janeway placed the container at your workstation on Stardate 50313.1."
JANEWAY: "Indeed. Given how well you handled your first time at the conn, I felt that it was appropriate."
TUVOK: "Presumably, you inadvertently knocked the box onto the floor when you assumed your station the following morning."
HARRY (calculates in his head): "Over three years ago... and no one told me?"
The bridge crew exchange glances.
PARIS: "We wanted to see how long it would take you to figure it out yourself."
Harry sits heavily down in his chair and begins repeatedly beating his head against the console.
ENDING 3
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
JANEWAY: "Oh, that, right. Sorry. Lieutenant Paris told me to make sure you were never promoted above him. He said it would just be too embarassing."
HARRY: "And why are you so determined to do what Tom wants?"
Jameway pulls out her wallet and produces a snapshot of three bright orange salamanders.
JANEWAY: "Well, he is the father of my kids."
HARRY: "Story of my life. Even as a giant newt, he got laid more than I did."
ENDING 4
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
JANEWAY: "Do you remember when we first met?"
HARRY: "Uh... yeah, I think so."
JANEWAY: "You called me 'sir'. I really don't like being called 'sir'."
HARRY: "Oh, come on! That was six years ago! And I was right out of the academy! Besides, I was supposed to call you that, it's Starfleet regulations!"
JANEWAY: "Well, I still hate it. Now shut the hell up and get back to your station before I beam your skinny little token minority one-pip hind end directly into space."
HARRY: "I don't think the whole crew would just stand by while you did something like that, Captain."
PARIS: "I don't know about that, Harry. Remember Tuvix?
HARRY: "Uhh... right."
He quickly returns to his workstation.
ENDING 5
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
Janeway fixes the young officer with a glare that would punch a hole through a Borg cube.
JANEWAY (icily): "And why should I put a little box on your chair, ensign?"
Harry whips out a hand phaser. It's making a scary buzzing noise.
CHAKOTAY: "Because he's holding a phaser on overload!"
TOM: "A phaser on overload. Really, Harry?"
HARRY: "Yeah, give me a break, Tom. I didn't have enough replicator rations to produce a thermal detonator."
JANEWAY: "You know, I'm pretty easy to get along with. But I don't like bullies. I don't like threats. And I don't like y..."
PFOOOOOM!! The phaser explodes. Harry is vaporized on the spot, of course. Most of the others on the bridge suffer varying degrees of burn damage and wind up looking like oven-roasted luau pigs in scorched Starfleet uniforms.
CHAKOTAY: "Wow, captain... you sure told... him." (dies of his injuries)
JANEWAY: "Oh, shut up." (dies of her injuries)
Tom and Tuvok both survived the blast relatively intact. The former stares down at the remains for a long moment. Then, he addresses the Vulcan.
TOM: "Well, I guess we're promoted again."
Feel free to comment, come up with endings of your own, or tell me that I might benefit from counseling.
Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, thousands of light years from Federation space. The USS Voyager continues its very long homeward journey.
The turbolift opens. Tom Paris enters the bridge. Chakotay and Tuvok exchange glances as he passes them.
JANEWAY (brusquely): "You're late, Mr. Paris."
PARIS: "Ma'am?"
TUVOK: "According to the chip's chronometer, by 22 seconds."
PARIS (surprised at everyone's coolness): "I'll make it up at the end of my shift."
CHAKOTAY: "See that you do."
JANEWAY: "Take your station."
Tom looks at B'Elanna, but she says nothing. Thoroughly confused, Tom goes to his station and finds a small wooden box on his seat.
CHAKOTAY: "Open it. that's an order."
Tom opens the box, and finds a black rank pip, identical to the one he lost in "Thirty Days". He smiles and relaxes, realizing what his shipmates were up to.
CHAKOTAY: "Not only late, but improperly dressed. That belongs on your collar, Mr. Paris."
Janeway, who has been smiling behind his back, approaches him.
JANEWAY: "Allow me." (pins the pip to Tom's collar) "As ship's captain, I hereby reinstate you to the tank of lieutenent, with all the privileges and responsibilities therein. Your performance over this past year has been exemplary. I expect more of the same."
TOM: "You won't be disappointed."
B'ELANNA (approaches): "Congratulations, lieutenant."
She and Tom kiss. Then, Harry (over at his station) speaks up.
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A brief awkward silence. Before anyone can say anything, however, there is an alert signal from one of the consoles. And so, despite the fact that Harry has brought up a completely legitimate grievance, nothing comes of it.
However... what if that convenient bridge alert had not happened? What if Janeway had actually had to explain an action that had no rational explanation, to defend a personnel decision for which there was no coherent defense? What might have happened then?
Obviously, if the writers of Voyager had wanted to answer that question, they would have made the convenient bridge alert occur later, or not at all. Luckily for you, I have seen fit to provide five possibilities on what might have happened next. Let us rewind time by just a few seconds, and see where this could have gone...
ENDING #1
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A long and rather awkward silence. Everyone exchanges glances.
CHAKOTAY: "I guess that is kind of odd, isn't it?"
TUVOK: "Indeed. Despite uniformly excellent performance of his duties, Mr. Kim has been an ensign for five years, eleven months, and four days. Given that even mediocre Starfleet ensigns are typically promoted to lieutenant within three years, his lack of advancement is quite anomalous."
PARIS: "Captain, how do you choose who gets promoted and who doesn't?"
JANEWAY: "I read the personnel reviews that the computer sends to my padd every morning, same as any captain does. Computer, why was Ensign Harry Kim never listed as due for promotion?"
COMPUTER: "Ensign Harry Kim died on Stardate 49548, due to a fatal decompression accident."
PARIS: "Oh, yeah, the thing with that duplicate Voyager and those Vidiians."
JANEWAY: "That's right, I remember now." (addresses Harry) "Your counterpart died, and I never got around to telling the computer that you came over to replace him."
PARIS (pats Harry on the shoulder): "Congratulations, Harry. You've been dead for over four years."
HARRY: "Wait a minute... if the computer thinks I'm dead, how come I still have assigned shifts? Why do I have replicator rations?"
JANEWAY: "Commander Chakotay is responsible for the duty roster, and Mr. Neelix oversees replicator rations. The computer tracks officer seniority."
HARRY: "Left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing?"
JANEWAY: "Even 70,000 light years from home, you can't escape from bureaucracy."
HARRY: "Right."
ENDING 2
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
A long and awkward silence, then the first officer responds with a tiny hint of exasperation.
CHAKOTAY: "Well, Mr. Kim, have you tried looking under it?"
Harry looks under his console, has to crawl around a bit. At length, he comes up with a small wooden box. It's covered with dust, grime, and mold; it's obviously not been touched in some time. He opens it, and yes, there's a black pip inside.
HARRY: "How long ago..."
We get the sense that Harry probably doesn't want to know the answer to this. Nonetheless, Tuvok provides it with typical Vulcan precision.
TUVOK: "Captain Janeway placed the container at your workstation on Stardate 50313.1."
JANEWAY: "Indeed. Given how well you handled your first time at the conn, I felt that it was appropriate."
TUVOK: "Presumably, you inadvertently knocked the box onto the floor when you assumed your station the following morning."
HARRY (calculates in his head): "Over three years ago... and no one told me?"
The bridge crew exchange glances.
PARIS: "We wanted to see how long it would take you to figure it out yourself."
Harry sits heavily down in his chair and begins repeatedly beating his head against the console.
ENDING 3
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
JANEWAY: "Oh, that, right. Sorry. Lieutenant Paris told me to make sure you were never promoted above him. He said it would just be too embarassing."
HARRY: "And why are you so determined to do what Tom wants?"
Jameway pulls out her wallet and produces a snapshot of three bright orange salamanders.
JANEWAY: "Well, he is the father of my kids."
HARRY: "Story of my life. Even as a giant newt, he got laid more than I did."
ENDING 4
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
JANEWAY: "Do you remember when we first met?"
HARRY: "Uh... yeah, I think so."
JANEWAY: "You called me 'sir'. I really don't like being called 'sir'."
HARRY: "Oh, come on! That was six years ago! And I was right out of the academy! Besides, I was supposed to call you that, it's Starfleet regulations!"
JANEWAY: "Well, I still hate it. Now shut the hell up and get back to your station before I beam your skinny little token minority one-pip hind end directly into space."
HARRY: "I don't think the whole crew would just stand by while you did something like that, Captain."
PARIS: "I don't know about that, Harry. Remember Tuvix?
HARRY: "Uhh... right."
He quickly returns to his workstation.
ENDING 5
HARRY: "I didn't notice a little box on my chair."
Janeway fixes the young officer with a glare that would punch a hole through a Borg cube.
JANEWAY (icily): "And why should I put a little box on your chair, ensign?"
Harry whips out a hand phaser. It's making a scary buzzing noise.
CHAKOTAY: "Because he's holding a phaser on overload!"
TOM: "A phaser on overload. Really, Harry?"
HARRY: "Yeah, give me a break, Tom. I didn't have enough replicator rations to produce a thermal detonator."
JANEWAY: "You know, I'm pretty easy to get along with. But I don't like bullies. I don't like threats. And I don't like y..."
PFOOOOOM!! The phaser explodes. Harry is vaporized on the spot, of course. Most of the others on the bridge suffer varying degrees of burn damage and wind up looking like oven-roasted luau pigs in scorched Starfleet uniforms.
CHAKOTAY: "Wow, captain... you sure told... him." (dies of his injuries)
JANEWAY: "Oh, shut up." (dies of her injuries)
Tom and Tuvok both survived the blast relatively intact. The former stares down at the remains for a long moment. Then, he addresses the Vulcan.
TOM: "Well, I guess we're promoted again."
Feel free to comment, come up with endings of your own, or tell me that I might benefit from counseling.
