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What happens after you get your first novel published?

Joe Washington

Fleet Captain
Fleet Captain
To those of you who have their own novels published:

What happens after you get your first novel published? Do you wait around for the reviews to hear what people think of it? Do you get through a series of interviews about the book? What stuff do you go through?
 
Hoards of groupie fans immediately come banging on your door, desperate for a slice of your new found fame.

News reporters and film crews camp out on your lawn, following your around everywhere you go: the grocery store, the barber, theme parks, the bathroom--everywhere!

Your publisher and agent will arrange much of the promotion and press appearances, having you travel by four-inch thick armoured car from event to event, accompanied by your two fem-bots--each with 85 points of articulation and machine gun retractable tits.

Food is scarce in many of the cities you will travel to, so a steady diet of cocaine and vodka will be administered nasally and orally to keep you healthy and nourished.

On occasion, your vehicle will be forced to run over "street people" or "vermin" or what they have been more recently referred to, 'the 99.99999999999999%.' When this happens, the black helicopters following you--yes, the ones you didn't know existed until now--will appear out of nowhere, shoot grapple-hooks that attach to the roof of your car and lift you the fuck outta' there. Don't panic, they've done this thousands of times for the hundreds of authors who write the millions of books under different pseudonyms.

Your new life will take some getting use to on the island of Ryhoram, roughly 400km southwest of the Baja peninsula. It's a secret island that roughly 200 people worldwide know about, and to speak of it with the other 99.9etc% brings harsh penalties such as being thrown in a cage with hungry velociraptors. Yes, velociraptors do exist . . . there's so much you don't yet know, grasshopper.

Once you are drafted into the ranks of Authorianhood, you will be faced with arduous tasks required for you to gain research and knowledge for future works. FBI? Made up of Authors and ex-authors. CIA? Anagram for AIC: "Authors in Command," a shadow organization that operates in the political structures of every nation on earth; their insidious purpose known to only three men on earth.

When you are "researching" you might have to, say, mingle with world leaders of third world countries. Tease them, taunt them, remind them who is in charge: "Would you like some fresh water, Colonel Mugabu? Oh that's right, you don't have water in your country. You will construct a 36000 sqft book store if you want to receive a single drop of water from us this year." And pour your glass of water on the floor in front of him. That's how we keep people reading.

I'm not gonna lie, it's not a profession for everyone. On your days off, you will be responsible for being caught up on every piece of literature in existence. Penalties for not keeping up to date are, again, harsh: ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? That's not just a line from Batman . . . think about that for a second.

In the event you want to cease being a writer, there are retirement programs available after the age 95.

You will not receive 80% dental coverage during your time as an author, and you will be eligible for reimbursement on pencils and paper-if you keep have the receipts. Lost the receipt? Punishable by boo boo box. Hook: Look it up.
 
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I have two books in the works. One is probably going to be a graphic novel and the other is biography about my experiences. I'm not actually writing the biography directly. I'm being interviewed by a friend and he will be talking to family, friends and doctors and will be writing it for me.

I wonder how the graphic novel will do.
 
I have two books in the works. One is probably going to be a graphic novel and the other is biography about my experiences. I'm not actually writing the biography directly. I'm being interviewed by a friend and he will be talking to family, friends and doctors and will be writing it for me.

Isn't that sort-of how a biography works?
 
You shouldn't even notice what happens- too busy writing the second one.

This seems most accurate.

I have a friend who got his first novel published last year, and his second is about to come out. His first was sold to a small publisher as the first part of a trilogy, and after it came out, he continued to submit short stories and work on the second novel in his trilogy. He also started working on a novel not related to the first and preparing queries for it, and looking for an agent.

So sitting back and waiting doesn't seem like an option if you want writing to be what you do.
 
What happens after you get your first novel published?

I haven't published a novel, but I did recently publish a history book. So, for what it's worth:

Do you wait around for the reviews to hear what people think of it?

If you're anything like me, you'll be scouring the internet every day looking for reviews, while keeping an eye on your book's sales rank on amazon, trying to get a sense of how well it's selling.

In my case, I've received a handful of reviews in the press--mostly good--but I'm still waiting to read reviews from academic journals.

I think the number of reviews you receive will depend on how heavily your publisher promotes your work, how well it sells, and how widely it is read. If your book "falls dead-born from the press," as David Hume put it, you may receive no reviews at all. If it's a bestseller, you should receive several.

If it's a work of category fiction, though, my sense is that it will probably not be reviewed widely.

Do you get through a series of interviews about the book? What stuff do you go through?

Once again, this seems to depend on how well it sells, or is expected to sell, and your publisher's willingness to promote your work.

In my case, my publisher seemed confident that my book would sell pretty well (for an academic monograph) and promoted it extensively. As a result, I've done three short radio interviews, and turned down a fourth. In each case, the station contacted the publisher, who forwarded their interview request to me.

And all this publicity seems to have paid off: my book has already been reprinted twice, which is unusual. The press has even submitted my book for a few awards, but I seriously doubt that it will win anything.

But as above--my sense is that, if you're writing a work of category fiction, you won't receive much attention, unless your novel catches the reading public's fancy.

So, write good.
 
^^ I'm glad it's doing well. I have to admit that I haven't read all of Black and Tans yet-- I'm sort of a browser with stuff like that and I'm also working on The Famine Ships-- but I do like it.

I haven't published a novel either, but I've published a couple of short story anthologies and a poetry collection. My experience is that you wait a few months, get a check in the mail and use it to buy a Hungry Man TV dinner.
 
^^ I'm glad it's doing well. I have to admit that I haven't read all of Black and Tans yet-- I'm sort of a browser with stuff like that and I'm also working on The Famine Ships-- but I do like it.

You actually bought it? :confused:

Well, thanks! :)
 
I just park my car in the sun and put it under the back window for a while.
 
And just when I was gonna give up my career as a locomotive engineer and write full-time and make oodles of money. Thanks for the inspiration, guys.
 
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