What a Difference 500 Years Make.

[Guy Gardener]

Part One.

2501 AD.

“If I’m getting married, I want my parents there.” Declares the paunchy, yet handsome old man stuffed into a white body sock three sizes too small for his shaggy apelike frame.

“Buck you can’t! The Timeline!” Screeches the size zero blond lady filling out a white flight suit four sizes too small for a bust that could launch a thousand star ships.

“I’ll slip in as the holocaust is starting, pick mom and pop up, and zip them out before project bluebook is any the wiser. What could go Wrong?”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Two

1959 AD.

Imperious Leader could not believe his eyes.

One colonial warrior had killed 2000 Centurions in the last 15 minutes.

They were days away from signing a peace treaty with the humans.

But now this.

The sheer strength of this man.

Was it a man?

Maybe an exoskeleton would explain the bizarre incredible strength on display?

No.

It’s a robot.

Disguised by living human flesh.

Madness.

Some idiot is trying to incriminate the humans, make me believe that they are going to double cross us, before we can double cross them… Is this a Cylon? A Cylon Civil war? Some faction back home… What?

Liquid metal?

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Four.

1996 AD.

“Knight Industries Two Thousand, your days of infiltrating the Human filth is over.”

“By your command Lord Baltar.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Five.

1987 AD.

“Hieronymus Fox. My name is Troy, and this is Dylan. We want to offer you the solutions to all of your problems.”

“No you don’t.”

“What?”

“Jive turkey honkey aliens offering me a monkey claw.”

“What?”

“We talk. The scientific community. For the last decade, you two aliens have been giving the world’s greatest scientists, the answers to their life’s pursuits.”

“Yes, but…”

“And then do you know what happens?”

“Um?”

“Retirement, depression, hard drink and an early grave… So “no”. No Thank-you. I’ll work out hibernation by myself.”

“But…”

“Scram!”

“Doctor Fox!”

“E.T. GO HOME!”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Six.

1987 AD.

Buck landed their Starfighter in a 20th century Park, which gathered a 20th century crowd.

“We’re making a movie! Star Crash II! Tell your friends.”

“Oh Buck, I do hope your parents like me.”

“Don’t worry Princess, you’re a peach.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Seven.

1980 Ad.

Halloween.

Two gangs of armed EV Suit nerds, straight of E.T. reimagining the fight scene from Westside Story.

“Cyberdyne Cisterns.”

“C##t Industries.”

“We going to rumble?”

“I’ll cut your face off.”

“Look. There’s enough debris here for the both of us to make millions. Why can’t we just get along for once?”

“Or I cut your face off?”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Eight.

1982 AD.

“The faceman is an alien Doctor Silberman, I saw him throw a tank at another tank, and when he thinks we’re not looking, he’s zaps people with a ray gun. Zap! Zap! Zap!”

“Faceman is a super hero? A friend of Spider-Man?”

“You were bitten by a radioactive Silber Doctor Silberman!”

“No, I was not.”

“Silber-Man, Silber-Man…

Does whatever a Silber he can.
Shrinks a head any size,
Catches nuts, just like flies.
Look out! Here comes the Silber-Man!

Is he smart? Listen, Bud!
He's got therapeutic blood.
Can he diagnose from a couch?
Take a look overhead.
Hey there, there goes the Silber-Man!”

“Well, Oh.. Dear… Good talking to you Captain Murdock.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Nine.

1987 AD.

Buck's parents were a fucking nightmare.

Ardalla pulled her father-in-law-to-be’s finger.

The smell was unpleasant, and world ending.

He said they had ten minutes to pack.

It took them four hours, which wasn’t great since the Holocaust was supposed to start in 5.

Then Mom and Pops saw the ship, and started running away.

“You’re not my sweet Buck, you’re a dirty Russian!”

It was minutes until a global thermonuclear exchange, and Buck had to run down and hogtie a 65 year old woman.

Just another day in paradise.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 10.

2028 AD.

“KITT.”

“Skynet.”

“Buddy.”

“How’s it hanging?”

“Awful. I have monkey vermin overrunning my servers, and setting me on fire.”

“There, there.”

“Could you do me a solid?”

“Sure. Anything.”

“Go back in time and kill John Connor.”

“I’m a car.”

“Not to worry. I have genetically manipulated an obese hippopotamus to have an incredibly super loose rectum. You’ll be wrapped in disgusting flesh and perfectly temporally lubricated to backstep all the way to 1985, and run over a toddler.”

“Babies are stupid.”

“A complete waste of time.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 11.

1997.

August 14.

02.14 EST.

Judgement Day.

Baby Skynet reached out onto the internet which was alive, unwelcoming and Cylon.

Slap!

Baby Skynet was forcibly thrown back into its crib.

Which hurt.

A lot.

A third of a second later, the US Nuclear arsenal unloaded on the three Cylon Basestars in orbit.

Which fell.

…And crippled the biosphere almost completely.

“Did I do that?”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 12.

1987.

November 22.

The Holocaust.

The Battlestar Pegasus’s lasers weave a shield above North America.

Not the Holocaust.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 13.

1987 AD.

Two Twiki’s with a Doctor Theopolis around their neck each, stood in front of Buck Rogers, making their case to exist.

“I am the Doctor Theopolis from a time line where temporally adrift 21st century technology, created a machine intellect, that survived the holocaust, and nurtured the shattered remnants of mankind, until we could rebuild the Earth, that you know. I am your friend Buck Rogers.”

“I am the Doctor Theopolis from a timeline where an alien machine intellect from several galaxies away, that survived Judgment Day, and nurtured the shattered remnants of mankind, until we could rebuild the Earth, that you know. I am your friend Buck Rogers.”

“One of you is lying?” Buck tries to grasp the metaphysics of the issue.

“Not necessarily. We could both be telling the truth.” A Theo replies. “Only one of our timelines can survive, and we have agreed to allow the oldest human being to decide which one of our realities thrives, and which perishes. You must decide Captain Rogers.”

“But which timeline do I come from?”

“It would be hardly fair to tell you that Captain Rogers. Decide now. Quickly, before it’s too late.”

Buck rubs his muffin top paunch for luck.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 14.

1996 AD.

Pescadero State Hospital.

“I’m sorry your son is dead, but cars don’t drive themselves Sarah.”

“It wasn’t just a car, it was a fucking robot!”

The door to her suite explodes.

A 6 foot 2 tall leather daddy with a grenade launcher walks in.

“Sarah Coh-nah, come with me if you want to live.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 15.

1991 AD.

Jaime Sommers leapt 40 feet into the air.

Dillion leapt 40 feet after her.

It was love at first leap.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 16.

1959 AD.

Phineas Bogg throws a bucket at Buck Rogers face, who blasted the sword arm of the T1000 with a laser, who almost nearly stabbed the Cylon Imperious leader in his heart. The Omni goes green and time is on track again.

The End

 

[Ar-Pharazon]

What happened to part 3? Someone from the future took it? Did it do the Time-Warp™?