Voyager - Time of Mystery

[USS Fardell]

Star Trek: Voyager: Time of Mystery
Prologue
10 July 2374
Voyager was flying along at Warp 7 when in Astrometrics Seven of Nine picked up what appeared to be a weird phenomenon. "Seven of Nine to the Bridge"
"Report" Captain Janeway said from the Captains chair.
"I have picked up what appears to be a wormhole 1.56 light years away" Seven said.
"I'll be right there, Mr Paris set a course for that wormhole" Janeway said. She turned control of the Bridge over to Chakotay and went to the turbo lift. She headed down to the Astrometrics lab.


"What do the sensors detect Seven?" Janeway asked as she entered Astrometrics.
"It is definitely a wormhole, however I have not been able to determine whether or not it leads to the Alpha Quadrant" Seven said.
"Keep on scanning" Janeway said.
"Yes Captain" Seven said.
"Janeway to Bridge"
"Bridge here" Chakotay said.
"Increase speed to Warp 9.2, we need to get to that wormhole to determine whether it leads to the Alpha Quadrant" Janeway said.
"Affirmative" Chakotay said. Voyager increased its speed. She speed on towards the suspected wormhole.


Voyager dropped out of warp near the suspected wormhole.
"Report" Janeway said.
"Scanning, it appears to be collapsing, and I am also detecting a small vessel near the anomaly" Ensign Harry Kim said.
"Interesting" Janeway said.
"Astrometrics to the Bridge" Seven said.
"Yes Seven?" Janeway asked.
"It is a wormhole, however, I am unable to determine the status of the other end of it" Seven said.
Then the wormhole simply collapsed.
"It appears it might have been an artificially produced wormhole" Harry Kim said.
"Really, maybe that small ship can tell us something about it, Harry run a scan on it" Janeway said.
"I am picking 2 life signs, they are human but they are unconscious, and there are no warp engines or at least none that we can recognise" Kim said.
"Beam the 2 humans to sickbay and tractor the vessel into our shuttle bay" Janeway said.

 

[Mistral]

Not enough here to get a bite into. Needs expansion. Watch the run-on sentences-they detract from the story. I'd like to see more. What are humans doing in the Delta Quadrant?

 

[USS Fardell]

Here is some more

The EMH was scanning the 2 humans as Janeway entered Sickbay…
"Report Doctor" Janeway said.
"They are both healthy, although they are both from the 20th century" the EMH said.
"Interesting" Janeway said, thinking how 2 humans from the 20th century could end up in the Delta Quadrant.


“So, are they asleep?” Janeway asked.
“They are at the moment Captain” The Doctor said.
“Can you wake them?” Janeway asked.
“I can” the Doctor said. He then used a hypospray to inject a stimulant into them. They began to stir.


They soon woke up.
“]Where am I, I mean we” the male said, correcting after seeing his companion.
“You are on the Federation Starship Voyager” Janeway said.
“Ok…” he said.
“]Can you explain more than just this ‘Starship’” the female said.
“That is a good point” The Doctor said acerbically. Janeway spoke again.
“I am Captain Kathryn Janeway. We found you in a ship, after we, the USS Voyager detected a wormhole, which could have possibly got this ship home, we are currently over 60 thousand light years away from Earth, it is also the year 2374 by your calendar, the Federation is an interstellar nation that includes Earth”


“Something must have gone wrong after we entered the wormhole” the male said to his companion.
“You think? We have ended up hundreds of years into the future!” the female said.
“Ok, something definitely has had gone wrong with the wormhole” the male said


“So, what may I ask, were 2 young adults from 20th or 21st Century Earth doing with a ship that is centuries beyond the level of technology of that time?” Janeway asked.
“You have the ship, you can check its database, you will soon find out soon about how we came about the ship” the female said.
“Kathleen! You don't have to be so rude to the captain, anyway, it is a long story, we will elaborate after you have checked the ship's database” the male said.
“Alright, we will check your ships, but we still don't know your names” Janeway said.
“My name is Daniel Howarth, and my friend here is Kathleen Collins” Daniel Howarth said.


“For 2 people from the turn of the millenium, you have a remarkably clean bill of health, despite some allergies, you can leave sickbay once the Captain gives you permission” the Doctor said.
“You can help us with the ship, Mr Howarth, and Ms Collins” Janeway said.
“Certainly Captain” Daniel said. Kathleen agreed with her friend.

 

[Mistral]

Hmm......Your physical structure is painful to read-take a look at Zephram Cochrane or Xeris's writing to see how they format things-it makes it easier on the eyes. That having been said-as long as you aren't pulling a "Mary Sue" I'll keep reading just to find out where you are going.

 

[McCovey Cove]

Hmm......Your physical structure is painful to read-take a look at Zephram Cochrane or Xeris's writing to see how they format things-it makes it easier on the eyes. That having been said-as long as you aren't pulling a "Mary Sue" I'll keep reading just to find out where you are going.

LOL. does everyone misspell my name or is it just me?

-- ZC

 

[Gibraltar]

^ Well, it's like making your screen name James T. Kark. People are going to misspell it.

 

[Mistral]

If you know who I meant then mission accomplished. You should see what my stuff would look like if WORD didn't put a little red line under mis-spelled words!

 

[DonIago]

I don't know how to put this more politely than to say that I'd recommend you have someone edit your work as well, preferably a fellow Trek fan. If nothing else, it guarantees you another opinion, but I'm also seeing enough grammatical issues with your work that, bluntly, I think you could benefit from having someone to look it over.

My apologies for my lack of tact.

 

[BrotherBenny]

Alright, I will keep reading, like the others to see where this goes, but as Mistral said, it is quite painful to read. You do seem to have an interesting story here, but here are some tips to help make the story a little less stilted.

"Separate each line of dialogue and after each paragraph, like I'm doing here."

It would be helpful if you included some description about the ship, like where in the Delta Quadrant they are; and the crew, such as whether they are in civilian clothing having been caught off duty in the holodeck or in uniform and tired after the end of a shift.

Also, a description of the visitors from the past. What are they wearing? Does this reveal the century/decade they are from? What do they look like, do they remind you of a particular actor or actress that you could describe without outright stating it?

These things will help your story run more smoothly and get you more readers, which we all want, after all.

Hope this helps you, USS Fardell