Unwanted gifts

[JustKate]

What's the etiquette for unwanted gifts? Do you keep it for a certain time before passing it on to someone who you know would like it, or donating to charity? Are you okay to toss it in the trash the moment you've been given it? Should you politely thank the gift giver but hand it back (for example, if the gift has obviously been costly?) Should you never refuse a gift because that's bad manners?

I'd be interested to know your thoughts. Last weekend I was cleaning and tossed out some clothes and accessories I'd been given but had never used and didn't want.

Once I even threw away a gift unopened because I loathed the person who gave it to me.

What's your etiquette on gifts you've been given but don't want?

I don't think there's a polite way to say "This very expensive gift you got me? I don't like it." Your instinct - to avoid wasting the giver's money - is an excellent one, of course, but I think saving feelings is more important than saving money. So assuming this is someone you care about, you either exchange it, give it to someone else, or hide it until you find out they are coming to your house at which time you display it until they're gone - whatever you can get away with.

It does depend on who gave it, of course - if your beloved grandma or adorable niece or treasured husband gave it to you, you pretty much have to keep it if there's any chance they'll find out you didn't. But if it's someone who has no chance of finding out that you didn't keep it, you can just say "Thanks!" with enormous enthusiasm and then find a home for it.

The person you loathe? Eh, that doesn't bother me so much!

 

[Jenee]

I said "It lovely. Gail will love it".

I wasn't going to give my mother-in-law the satisfaction of seeing that she upset me.

Probably the best way to go.

Me? I've never been tactful - hense the accumulation of gifts I'd never use. Therefore, I probably would have asked her why she felt this son (the father of my child) didn't deserve the same consderation as her other son. "I'll have to tell him how much you hate him ... Humpf." With raised eyebrows and walked away.

 

[Bears Discover Fire]

When I was a kid, I went to a sleepover that included a gift exchange. Rather than going out and buying a gift, my mother made me give up my beloved sticker collection for the occasion. The girl who received my sticker collection threw it in the trash upon receipt and dumped her can of pepsi over it to ruin it so I couldn't take it back, and then called me retarded in front of the other partygoers for giving her something she didn't want. I was a shy, unpopular girl so the other kids were quick to join in the heckling. She gave me a used pad of paper and a chewed up ink pen in return. 20 years later, even reminiscing about the incident still brings back feelings of anger and hurt, so I never give back or refuse to accept anything short of blood money. I also swore off sleepovers forever.

Why on earth would your mother do that? I mean, even if the gift had been received well, what on earth was she going to make you give up next time you were invited to a sleep-over?

If she didn't want to spend money then why not go the route so beloved of children's TV shows and get you to make something. Sure the ridicule would have been the same but at least you wouldn't have lost something precious to you.

Giving away something 'nice' that I already had on hand and paid for with my own money was a more efficient, attractive alternative for my mom than taking the time and expense to buy/make something. It was a very misplaced lesson on paying one's own way and giving gifts that meant something.

She forgot that children and adults have the same feelings of attachment and accomplishment toward objects; it is only the objects themselves that differ. Just because the sticker collection was silly and inconsequential to her, and the sleepover was an ideal opportunity rid herself of its nuisance, didn't mean that I felt the same. Unfortunately she failed to take my feelings about this item and what it represented to me seriously. (over a year of acquiring fancy, artful stickers from various, interesting sources one at a time with my own money and painstakingly caring for them in a special box) This particular incident was a learning experience for her as much as it was for me.

She knew she fucked this one up when she got a clandestine phone call from her bawling 8 year old, and had to get out of bed at midnight to drive across town to pick me up.

 

[auntiehill]

I think my best in-law gift story was last Christmas. My mother-in-law gave me a piece of used wrapping paper that said, on the back, "I.O.U one Christmas Present."

I looked up at her and she laughed. "I was going to go shopping, but I just couldn't be bothered."

This, after I bought her a lovely shawl from Coldwater Creek, and bought gifts for her loser-daughter and horrible grandkids. Not to mention the fact that we take her out to dinner every other week. And that I'm the one who ends up buying her birthday and Mother's Day gifts, because my husband is the one who can't be bothered.

She never did get me anything, either. A not-so-subtle "screw you" if there ever was one.

 

[Rii]

A gift can be unwanted for various reasons:the recipient may already have one or may hate the choice of gift, the recipient may not actually find a use for it, or thinks the gift may be better off remaining in the giver's hands, or the recipient may simply hate the giver's guts and toss it back at him.

To this I'll add that the giver can be using the "gift" to hurt the recipient also.

When I was expecting my first child my mother-in-law bought me a bath set (baby bath, nappy bucket etc). I was appreciative but than she said to me "come and see what I have bought for Gail in case she ever has a child". Gail was my mother-in-law's favorite daighter-in-law. My mother-in-law took me into the spare room and showed me a beautiful cradle that must have cost her hundreds of dollars.

I am quite sure my mother-in-law only gave my the bath set so that she would have a reason to show me the cradle and hurt my feelings .

That's horrible.

My mother once received a $1.50 soap set from her estranged boyfriend with the price tag still attached; she broke down in tears. I was only six or seven at the time but I still remember that.

 

[WillsBabe]

I don't think there's a polite way to say "This very expensive gift you got me? I don't like it." Your instinct - to avoid wasting the giver's money - is an excellent one, of course, but I think saving feelings is more important than saving money.

I absolutely agree. Which is why .....

hide it until you find out they are coming to your house at which time you display it until they're gone -

I have so done this in the past! Everytime that person comes to the house, it's second nature to get out the awful gift.

 

[wew]

When I was in Europe with my nephew he decided to get his two brothers a gift. We were in Prague and and he saw two pieces of loose cobblestone, he picked them up and started to put them in his bag. I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to give the two rocks to his brothers.

I told him he was stealing from the city and made him put them back. He ended up "getting" them some of the spare change he received when he bought other items for himself.

Personally, when I get a gift I don't want I usually give it away quickly. One exception, was my sister bought an uglyshirt for me that she actually wanted. She figured I'd thank here then give her the shirt. I realized what she was doing so the shirt remained in my dresser drawer for years.