TOS Temporary Caption Contest #10: The Big Three

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "You want water, you pay the guy with the phaser. That's me."

Chekov: "I had sex with her, back in the old days."
Spock: "I would like to mind-meld with your penis."

Spock: "There's nothing in here but dogs playing poker."

Kirk: "Wait, why did you assume we were homosexuals?"
Spock: "Was it my hair? Because I can change it <pulls out comb, feathers hair back>."

Chekov: "Ugh. She got a Tramp Stamp."
Spock: "Skank Tag."
Chekov: "Skeet Target."
Spock: "... Flawlessly logical. I'm putting you in for promotion."

 

[Gertch]

McCoy: "You like my bush?"

Spock: "One BEELLION dollars. One beellion dollars."
Kirk: *sigh*

Kirk: "Your.wife?"

 

[Shatmandu]

Sandoval: "Wanna play 'Human Thermometer' again, Lenny?"

Spock: "He uses Ragu? All the lies ..."

Spock: "But Uhura said I was the first to do that ..."

Spock: "He's gay?"
McCoy: "I suppose our first clue should have been that sculpture behind him ..."

 

[Santa Kang]

KIRK: As you can see, my friend is Chinese.

OFFICER: Buddy, I pounded a beat in Chinatown for five years. If He's Chinese, I'm Eleanor Roosevelt!

 

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "I just took a dump in the lake. Might want to wait a few ..."

Cop: "Horseshit. My boyfriend's Chinese."

 

[Gertch]

McCoy: "Gotta love these crotchless uniforms."

 

[Alrik]

McCoy: "Plans? My plans are to finish this here drink. Then I'm going to get up and kick your ass. In that order."

 

[Gorn Captain]

McCoy: "70 something Goddamn episodes and six movies... and this is my first chance to kick someone ass. You don't want none of this."

Chekov: "See, from this angle, she looks good."
Spock: "If her face is not pleasing to you, Mr. Chekov, I suggest that you 'put a bag over her head and do your business' to use an Earth colloquiallism."

Kirk: "I'm sorry, I confused this alley with the one from Return of the Archons."

 

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "Actually, I washed off the spore influence several hours ago. I just want kick back a bit, drink my drink, and watch Spock beef that blonde."

Spock: "I checked 'her' medical records. I suppose the reach-around was inwented in Russia too, huh?"

Spock: "The things he does with the sculpture behind him ... fascinating ..."

Chekov: "Too bad you only do it once every seven years."
Spock: "You misinterpret: I only have to return to Vulcan to do it once every seven years. I can, and do, engage in vigorous sexual intercourse whenever I feel like it."
Chekov: "Oh."
Spock: "And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a sex date with your former lover."
<Spock enters elevator, licks finger, smoothes eyebrow.>

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

McCoy: Sandoval, you sure gots a pretty mouth. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.

 

[Rat Boy]

McCoy: "Get my medical kit. I think I'm allergic to whatever this weed is."

 

[Santa Kang]

MCCOY: If I wasn't so drunk right now, I'd stand up and kick your ass. As it is, I might just throw up on you.

 

[Hambone]

CHEKOV: Nice dress.

SPOCK: Yeah...who shot the couch?

 

[Triskelion]

Spock: The carpet, indeed, matches the drapes.
Chekov: In Russia, the drapes vear you!
Spock: What does that even mean?

 

[Santa Kang]

Spock: The carpet, indeed, matches the drapes.
Chekov: In Russia, the drapes vear you!
Spock: What does that even mean?

Actually had drapes with that pattern. Looks better on her than the window.

 

[Rat Boy]

Chekov: "I tink it moved."

*Spock backs away slowly*

 

[Triskelion]

Spock: The carpet, indeed, matches the drapes.
Chekov: In Russia, the drapes vear you!
Spock: What does that even mean?

Actually had drapes with that pattern. Looks better on her than the window.

ha ha. I'm sorry.

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock, sighing: "I suppose I should return her undergarments ..."
<Chekov blinks rapidly.>

Spock: "Does she have a brother?"
Chekov, rocking on heels: "You're looking at 'im."

Spock: "I would like to make tea with her panties."
Chekov: "Vhat?"
Spock, after reaching for his face: "Forget ..."

 

[Santa Kang]

Spock: "Does she have a brother?"
Chekov, rocking on heels: "You're looking at 'im."

Spock: "Arkansasistan?"

Chekov: "How did you know?"

 

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "Sasparilla. Got a problem wi' that?"

Spock: "I thought that outfit would be right up his street, but Mr. Sulu, our resident botanist, didn't make a move on her."

Spock: "Man, he thinks about butts a lot ..."

Chekov, extending arm toward turbolift: "Yes, I'm sure. Russians inwented sloppy seconds ..."

***Not a caption, but I just noticed: is Spock sporting a chub?