TOS Caption Contest #215: The Grind

[Rat Boy]

Someone better call a medic for Redshirt Ron, because it's time for another caption contest. Let's scoff at...

I think we've all been that distracted at one point or another...

The influence of Mudd's Women was so powerful, Scotty never realized Mudd was peeing on him.

Everybody loves steak knives...

Kirk: Grant! You win! You died the fastest of any redshirt! We all get a set of steak knives!

McCoy: He's not dead, Jim. It missed the vital organs. He'll live.

Kirk: "Do something Bones!!!"

(McCoy pushes the frisbee knife deeper into Dead Red's chest.)

McCoy: "You mean like that?"

Kirk: "Excellent... now where are my steak knives?"


.

Miss the point much?

Kirk:"But your hair...what's the relevance of the brown?"

Bele: "None. Now, as I was saying. I am black on--"

Kirk: "But the brown, what's the symbolism there?"

Bele (angry): "Forget the brown! Focus on the black and white!!"

Now this is an episode I would watch...

KIRK: Still can't decide. Meet me in my quarters for some one on one discussion.

Congratulation to the winners. This week, Spock tries to keep Kirk from noticing the porn playing in his scope, Gold Shirt George is about to get it, and McCoy won't take no for an answer. Have fun:

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Readings, Spock?"

Spock: "Unchanged. Natalie Portman continues to appear in ever major Hollywood movie."

Kirk: "How does she do it?"

Gold Shirt George: "Wait, I'm a junior officer. Hot women only barge in if they want to..."

*ZAP!*

McCoy: "I know you had sex with Janice in this bed."

Kirk: "Oh yeah, prove it!"

McCoy: "Nurse?"

*lights go out, black light comes on, bed starts to glow*

 

[Captain Crow]

Woman: Help me take over the ship or I shall kill you!

Goldshirt Guss: You can't kill me! I'm not wearing a red shirt!

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: Its my sickbay, so I get to decide what constitutes a threesome!

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

Kirk: What is it?

Spock: Despite the face we were near ROmulan Territory in the last episode, somehow we are clear across the Federation in this one.

Goldshirt: Fashion Week is being held on Deck 5.

Woman: Thanks.

McCoy: His BRAIN is gone! Also, the rest of his body.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: May I remind you that sexual harassment is not within your purview as my commanding officer.

 

[ToMaHaKeR]

Goldshirt: ''Do you know how to hack into these things? I was sure it was Red-White-Blue, but nothing happens, it just beeps in different tones...''

 

[Isis]

Shatner (to self): "Len is so gullible. He left his bike unlocked...again."

Woman: "I didn't know Fisher-Price was one of Starfleet's preferred computer vendors."

McCoy: "No, we don't have a sperm bank in this sick bay. Don't they need you on the bridge?"

 

[Isis]

Spock: "Sir, it would be prudent if you would not move."

Kirk: "Why?"

Spock: "The situation begs for much more study on my part. That mole on your left cheek is growing at a rate of 100 nanometers per second and is irregular enough that it may be malignant. Fascinating."

The goldshirt found his tenure on the Enterprise very profitable once he hit upon the idea of opening a tanning salon.

McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker. I can't make that toupee look like your real hair."

 

[Isis]

Spock: May I remind you that sexual harassment is not within you purview as my commanding officer.

Kirk: "Spock, aren't you being a little too sensitive about my asking whether you've ever seen a grown Earth man naked? I was just trying to start the type of objective, scholarly discussion you complain you've missed since you left Vulcan."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: I'm out of quarters.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: My hair is as real as your nurse's, Bones.
McCoy: So your carpet doesn't match your drapes either, huh?

 

[Isis]

Goldshirt (to self): "Huh?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

GOLDSHIRT GEORGE: New uniforms again? I aint wear that! I'd wear a skirt first!!!

 

[jep]

Kirk: "Bones..."

McCoy: "I'm telling you Jim, I did!!! I nailed Christine right here on this bed!"

Kirk: "BONES!!"

McCoy: "Oh man, she's right behind me isn't she?"


.

 

[jep]

Kirk's skills as a starship captain and male whore were exceeded only by his absolute mastery of the staring contest.


.

 

[Finn]

Bones: Damn it, Jim! Nobody's dead! Look, nobody's laying there.

Kirk: But you aren't on the bridge. Why else would you be here?

 

[PikeFan]

KIRK: Readings Mister Spock.
SPOCK: No, pictures.
KIRK: Let me see.
SPOCK: No. It would be illogical.
UHURA (offscreen): Ya damn right you can't see Captain!
KIRK:

GOLDSHIRT: Damn, don't sneak up on me like that! I used to be a redshirt!

MCCOY: So I had Christine's legs spread wide open.
KIRK: Bones.
MCCOY: And she was all, Yeah Doctor McCoy.
KIRK: Bones!
MCCOY: I whisper, Darlin' just call me Len.
KIRK: BONES!
MCCOY: Damn you wanna share any other time!
KIRK: Not right now. *gestures with his eyes to Chapel*
MCCOY: Shit Chris is behind me, ain't she?

 

[Nerys Myk]

BONES: Now up here for your exam before I have Christine force you!

Kirk looks at Chapel and then back at McCoy

BONES:Yes, she used to be a pro wrestler...

Kirk looks at Chapel again.

BONES:...And a man.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

McCoy: "Yes, I know you requested your massage from Nurse Chapel, but she's not licensed to administer massage therapy. I am. Now hop up on the table!" *grins* "You really hoisted yourself on your own petard this time, didn't ya!"