TOS Caption Contest #210: Hole in the Wall

[Rat Boy]

I shall consider it, since it's time for another caption contest. First, let's beam up...

The better question is why?

Kirk: "Just great. One of us has an erection, and I can't tell which one."

Certainly easier than just strangling him...

BEARDED SPOCK: Oops...I accidentally beamed our returning Captain and his party into a wall.
MARLENA: Gosh. What were the odds?

Starfleet Fashion Police to the rescue!

Kirk: "Uhura, it was immediately clear that you're in grave danger. OK, my hazmat is suit on now and I'm ready to rescue you from that dress."

What's worse than the Bizarros? The Groovies:

HOLLYWOOD SPOCK: Jimmy, sweetie boobala! I love the work your doing with the Halkans.

KIRK: What new hell is this?

Congratulations to the winners. This week, we have Kirk and Spock calmly washing their hands of the mess they've made, Apollo channeling his inner Apache Chief, and just another day at the Enterprise's red shirt crematorium. Have fun:

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "All right, super-computer's dead. Let's go home."

Spock: "Uh, Captain, shouldn't we do something to help these people recover?"

Kirk: "Spock, I blow stuff up, I don't nation-build."

Apollo: "This has gone on long enough! Is Rat Boy trying to get songs stuck in our heads with these caption titles?!"

Kirk (on intercom): "It's been over a year. Any trace of Shatmandu?"

Scotty: "Still working, sir. Borgas frat bag of cats."

 

[jep]

Scotty: "Keep your knickers on lass. I can see up the lad's skirt, and I'm not impressed."

Apollo: "Silence mortal!!!! I was swimming shortly before you arrived!! It's just shrinkage!!!"


.

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: And another supermegacomputer is destroyed.

Spock: Captain, you just connected Doctor McCoys iPod to it and played country songs.

Kirk: I know, it's like I don't even need to try anymore.

Chekov: And I am the Czar of all the R-

Apollo stomps Chekov

Kirk: Thank god.

Apollo: You're welcome.

Scotty:Whoa, how am I all of a sudden wearing an athletic cup?

 

[Gil T.Azell]

SulU:(hiding under the table looking up) "Oh My!!!"

Red Shirt:(on left) "I don't know giving Scotty a swirly, I've got a bad feeling about our next away mission"

Red Shirt:(on right) "Shut up it'll go fine"

 

[jep]

McCoy: "Jim, you invited me to 'Showtime at the Apollo', and I expected hip, urban music. So where's my hip urban music, Jim? This asshole isn't even black, let alone a musician."



.

 

[Rat Boy]

McCoy: "Well, I guess I better rethink the formula. Everything else got bigger on him instead of the organ I intended."

 

[Maurice]

Thanks for the win!

SPOCK: I believe we have stepped into an episode of The Wild Wild West.
KIRK: Yeah, titled, "Night of the Gene Coon's Running Out of Ideas".

APOLLO: I am, Apollo!
CHEKOV: Vhere is Starbuck?
KIRK: Infidel!

CREWMAN: See, I told you the Enterprise gave Scotty a full body stiffy.

 

[jep]

The chef learns that Kirk doesn't like it when his risotto is over-cooked. Now, about that pissy maitre d.



.

 

[Rat Boy]

McCoy: "Jim, you invited me to 'Showtime at the Apollo', and I expected hip, urban music. So where's my hip urban music, Jim? This asshole isn't even black, let alone a musician."



.

Spock: "Did you say something about black assholes, Doctor?"

Kirk: "Not now, Spock!"

 

[Gil T.Azell]

SPOCK: "I believe they call it a Chappa'ai"
KIRK: "A what?"
Col O'Neil(O/S) "A Stargate, and who the hell are you?"

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win!

Jules: "I can't believe you phasered Marvin in the face, man!"
Vincent: "The phaser just went off man, you must have taken the shuttle over a gravitic mine or something."
Jules: "I didn't fly the shuttle over no fucking mine."
Vincent: "And this is the Enterprise. There's never any room in Dead Redshirt Storage on this ship. We are so busted."
Jules: "I ain't the one who phasered Marvin. This is pissing me off. Every fucking time."
Vincent: "Calm down, man."
Jules: "Don't tell me to calm down. This is not a situation to be calm. We have a dead Ensign here, and no way of disposing of him, and once more, it's down to your poor fucking impulse control. If there ever was a situation for me not to be calm, this would be it."
Vincent: "I'm saying chill, man. I've called Carl Spock. He's on the motherfucker."
Jules: "You've called Carl Spock?"
Vincent: "I've called Carl Spock."
Jules: "Shit man, that was all you had to say."

 

[Isis]

Chekov: "Gee, zat toga vould go wery vell vith my vig."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Apollo: "Well, hello there, little lady!"

In order to maintain a stable population of redshirts during peaceful periods relatively free of dangerous missions, starship crews often had to resort to manually discarding a few from time to time.

 

[ItsGreen]

Harlan Ellison awaits the cast after screwing with his screenplay once again!

 

[Gary7]

Kirk: "I knew it. A cafeteria kitchen. No wonder why the food in this place sucks. Spock, we're out of here."

Apollo: "Mortals, do you think you can defy me? I am Apollo!"
Scotty: "You're also a bleedin' idiot. Ya enlarged yerself right in the middle of the table."
Apollo: (embarrassed) "What the... oh man, this doesn't bode well for my game."

Redshirt 1: "I can't believe it--he really fell asleep?"
Redshirt 2: "Yep, dead as a doornail. Quick, let's slide him into this storage locker and then we'll have the day off."
Redshirt 1: "Oh man, great idea as long as he doesn't wake up."
Scotty: (groggy) "Oooohhhh... Mira... that feels... great..."
Redshirt 2: "Hey lookout, you grabbed him in the crotch!"

 

[Rat Boy]

Thanks for the win!

Jules: "I can't believe you phasered Marvin in the face, man!"
Vincent: "The phaser just went off man, you must have taken the shuttle over a gravitic mine or something."
Jules: "I didn't fly the shuttle over no fucking mine."
Vincent: "And this is the Enterprise. There's never any room in Dead Redshirt Storage on this ship. We are so busted."
Jules: "I ain't the one who phasered Marvin. This is pissing me off. Every fucking time."
Vincent: "Calm down, man."
Jules: "Don't tell me to calm down. This is not a situation to be calm. We have a dead Ensign here, and no way of disposing of him, and once more, it's down to your poor fucking impulse control. If there ever was a situation for me not to be calm, this would be it."
Vincent: "I'm saying chill, man. I've called Carl Spock. He's on the motherfucker."
Jules: "You've called Carl Spock?"
Vincent: "I've called Carl Spock."
Jules: "Shit man, that was all you had to say."

Apollo: "Did you see a sign in orbit that says 'Dead Ensign Storage?'"

 

[jep]

Scotty: "Ohhhh shit."

Carolyn: "What's wrong Scotty?"

Scotty: I just noticed... I'm tha' only one who be wearing a red shirt!"

Carolyn (Backing away): "Ohhhh shit.... uh... I'm sorry Scotty, but I'm going to stand over there by the Tsar of all the Russias, so that the lightning strike won't kill me when it hits you."


.

 

[jep]

McCoy: "And behold, a great beast arose... "

Kirk: "I don't believe it."

McCoy: "What, you didn't know I am something of a poet?"

Kirk: "Huh? Poet? No, no... I just cannot believe that we've actually found something that not even I would have sex with."

McCoy: "My God, Jim, you mean that beast is female?"

Kirk: "I'm afraid so."

Chekov: "(Snort) And I am the Tsar of all the Russias."


.

 

[Rat Boy]

Redshirt: "I hate it when we run out of torpedoes."