Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #530: Transporter Room 3

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

I'm sorry but there was no opportunity to judge winners this weekend.

I'd like to say that winners will be posted in this post sometime in the next couple of days, but I'm really not sure. So I'll say it's probable that next contest will have a LOT of winners in the first 2 posts.

And now, lets head down to deck 6 and hang out with O'Brien in his favorite Transporter Room.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Picard to Bridge, that was an awesome Away mission. I''m going again! So long suckers!

Worf: These phasers have been re-tuned. Each will stun Borg until the plot requires us to retreat.

Picard: *Sigh* Couldn't you have just handled this Worf?

Worf: Do you really want me handling diplomatic greetings, Captain?

Picard: Point taken.

O'Brien: Commander, I'm reading over 200 boxes of chocolate at the beam-up site.

Riker: Troi has another secret admirer. Time for a transporter malfunction, O'Brien.

Picard: What if, you beamed down some Ensigns to the dangerous planet INSTEAD of us?

 

[Orac]

Picard: Pull my finger Mister OBrien. That's an order!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Jesus Christ, Riker! You almost gave me a heart attack! Since when do you have a beard?

PICARD: Weren't you my Conn Officer?
O'BRIEN: Nope. Been running this transporter since launch. And I'm an enlisted man not an officer.
PICARD: But...I'm sure...
DATA: Time for your medication, sir.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Are you still playing that Pledge of Allegiance transporter regulation gag, Chief?
O'Brien: Well most people don't fall for it, sir.

Worf: If your aim is not true, I will kill you where you stand.
Shelby: Oh. What if I'm kneeling down?
Worf: WHY WOULD YOU BE KNEELING DOWN???
Shelby: I might be, I don't know, ducking a pole axe. Or a halberd.
Crusher: Or a flaming tribble.
Shelby: Or a flaming tribble.
Worf: YOUR WILES HAVE NO HONOR!!!
Shelby: They're not supposed to. They're wiles.
Data: She does have a point, Lieutenant.
Worf: ANYWAY BORG DO NOT USE POLE AXES!!! LET ALONE FLAMING TRIBBLE PROJECTILES!!!!
Crusher: They might have adapted. You don't know.
WORF: YES I DO KNOW!!!!
Shelby: Doesn't sound very wily.

Picard: Anything unusul in the Dauphin's transport data, Chief?
O'Brien: Nope. Well, nothing unusual for an allaso-
Picard: Yes, she is quite a lass, Irish drinky drinky. Go sleep that whiskey stupor off, Ginger boy.
O'Brien: OK. Good luck Captain Crunch.
Picard: Oh, the drunken Irish, always good for a laugh.

Riker: You...ahh..ever think about swapping?
O'Brien: What? For who?
Riker: Well, How about Minuet?
O'Brien: Deal. I'll be on Holodeck two.
Riker: All riiiight! <to transporter station> How YOU doin'?

Picard: When one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like... like old leather. And finally... becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way. But enough about marriage.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: I solemnly swear to stay out of danger. Now, may I beam down, Commander?

Worf: Here you go, Shelby-comin'-round-the-mountain

Crusher: I hate these nicknames.

Worf: Is there a problem Doctor Crusher-crush-'em-all?

O'Brien: Personal Log--To alleviate the boredom, I like to play transporter roulette. I just set the coordinates and see who comes on-board. It's spread and now even the Captain will come down to bet on the species.

Riker: So, 5 bars of gold pressed latinum?

O'Brien: And the Captain need not materialize in one piece, sir. Deal!

Data: Sir, you know the rules. If you launch into a Shakespearean monologue, Mr. O'Brien is under orders to beam you to the nearest uninhabited planet.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard: "Unlike certain rabble rousers, I stand for the Pledge of Allegiance and the national anthem, number one."

 

[Leviathan]

Picard: I *swear* I am not beaming to safety after acidentally setting the self destruct.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Riker: Captain???

Picard: Just checking that my heart is in the right place.

O'Brien: Why wouldn't it be?

 

[Mr Soak]

Worf: Commander, this is The Next Generation, NOT the Original Series. We do not allow Red Shirts into dangerous situations.
Shelby: I'm a guest star.
Worf: Oh... In that case, here's a phaser.

 

[Finn]

First Officer's Log: Adding "One Federation under Earl Grey" to the Federation anthem is crossing the line. I'm having Beverly talk to the Captain.

Worf: When the rotating frequencies become ineffective, put it in overload and throw the phaser at them.

Picard: *mutters* Please be Vash. Please be Vash

Transporter Chief's Log: I just programmed the transporter to leave his underwear behind per Troi's request. She'll have to write a note to the Captain saying I need a week of kayaking for my mental health.

Picard: That accent...are you from Germany?

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Ooh, la la!
Riker: Someone's starting his exploratory away mission early, I see.

 

[Jedman67]

PICARD: "Picard to Bridge; please remove the containment forcefield from the Transporter Room!"
COMPUTER: "Comm Access denied, rerouted to Transporter Room 3"
RIKER: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU CAPTAIN, WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE SURFACE??"
PICARD: "WILL! Lower the goddamn forcefield!!
RIKER: "Energize, Mr. O'Brien!"
O'BRIEN: "Aye aye, sir! Energizing the Captain!"

Worf: Remember, only one of these phasers works properly. The rest will kill whoever fires it. May the best man survive!
Crusher: Worf!
Worf: Resistance is futile.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Picard: "What do you mean, this isn't auditions for Enterprise Idol?"
Riker: "Riker to sickbay. Dr. Crusher, you're needed in transporter room 3. The captain's confusing daydreams with reality again."
Picard: "Ahem! Alouette, gentil alouette..."
Crusher: "Is he singing?"
Riker: "Yes."
Crusher: "On my way."

Even Worf wasn't immune when Beverly gave him her best "mom" stare...
Worf: "All right, you can borrow my favorite one..."

Picard: "Follow the finger, back and forth, back and forth....that's it, Chief..."
Data: "Query: just what are you attempting to hypnotize Mr. O'Brien into doing, sir?"

 

[Leviathan]

Worf: Die well, new-to-the-ship red shirt.
Shelby: Good luck, guy who gets his ass kicked every week.

 

[tharpdevenport]

"Chief, did you just say you're going off duty right now and the great grandson of James T. Kirk is taking over and he learned how to operate a transporter from Kirk?"

 

[Qonundrum]

"Mr. O'Brien, please transport the photographic blow-up of the Captain back to Wesley's quarters before Darth slices it. And kindly remind Action Ensign Vader that Okona is not outrageous..."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Picard: This transport is taking an usually long time, chief.
O'Brien: It's complete, sir. These are the ambassadors from Staticon. They're energy beings.
Picard: ...so we've been awkwardly staring at them for the last three minutes?
O'Brien: Yep.
Picard: <sigh>

O'Brien: Our signal is being interfered with from the ground. We're receiving a message..hm.
Riker: What does it say, chief?
O'Brien: "You'll never take me alive".
Riker: Fair enough. Bridge! Fire photon torpedos at the following coordinates-

Picard: Miles, you're a splendid fellow. Salt of the earth. Have I ever told you Paris was robbed when the 2012 Olympics were <hic> awarded to London?
Data: Fascinating. And this happens on a regular basis?
O'Brien: At least one time a year. We just call it transporter-drunk.

Picard: I'll....be.....right....hee-eeeere.

Worf: This is a phaser. There are many like it, but this one is yours.
Shelby: ...okay.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Yes Number One, I know you were lying that Spock led all the away messages, I'm going this time and *I'm* going to get the girl.

WORF: Don't worry, regardless of what happens here you'll be a Captain long before before Riker.
SHELBY: Yes, that's pretty obvious.

PICARD: By the way, nobody mention the absurdity of the idea that a single girl nobly bred in total isolation could somehow be the only hope to negotiate peace, it'll make them REALLY defensive.

RIKER: About that transfer request, Mr O'Brien, we really need you in the transporter room.
O'BRIEN: But, perhaps we could rotate among the engineering staff who has to do the transporter room?
RIKER: Nope, I'm afraid nobody is as good as you as working the transporters.
O'BRIEN: Then, what if I died? If nobody else can run the transporters, the Enterprise would be in trouble. Shouldn't we let other officers get a turn learning the transporter chief position?
RIKER: Nope, too big a responsibility. We'll have to risk it.
O'BRIEN: You know you suck right?
RIKER: If it were anyone else, I'd send you to the brig for that, but then that would leave the transporter room completely unsupervised!

PICARD: Oh, by the way, take this shift off and come to my ready room. I would like to talk about the latest trends model naval ships.
O'BRIEN: I'll take it!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: I'm the Captain. Why must I go through the polyalloy detector?
O'Brien: Homeland Security.
Picard: But why did you check my service record with Starflleet, Pfizer and the Vatican archives?
O'Brien: Homeland Security.
Picard: But why did you put on finger condoms to frisk my bald head?
O'Brien: Homeland Security.
Picard: Why did you bombard my sphincter with Krieger waves?
O'Brien: Homeland Security.
Picard: Why did you use a microcaliper to measure the diameter of my testicles?
O'Brien: Homeland Security.
Picard: Why did you post it to Instagram?
O'Brien: Homegland Security.
Picard: Why did you hose me down with a baryon sweep?
O'Brien: Homeland Security. Energizing.
...
Picard: Wait, what?